You've probably never heard anything this ridiculous before

[alwaysunsure222222]

I know this is going to be long winded and confusing. I know I will probably be judged harshly for what I'm about to write, but please try to find it in yourselves to have some understanding. This is a terrible mess and I don’t know anyone who can relate to what I’m going through. I am a very broken person and I need to get this out. I can’t talk about this to friends or family. I need help figuring out what to do. This is going to be a very long post so please bear with me. I don’t even know where to begin, but let me start by saying that I am a 29 year old female and my husband is a 31 year old male named Mike. Mike and I just got married a month ago. When we met, I was 18 and he was 20. Here we go…

 

So, I’ve basically had crippling low self-esteem my whole life. When I went away to college, my husband (boyfriend at the time) was basically the first and only guy to give me any sort of attention and treat me nicely. We met in class. We both went away from home for college and both were lonely and shy and had trouble making friends. I don’t remember ever feeling a strong romantic or physical attraction to him at all. I was attracted to the idea of being in a relationship and not being alone. Nevertheless, I did love him. We became close and we leaned on each other through a lot of hard times. I trusted him like a best friend. However, I always felt that there was SOMETHING missing. I could never put my finger on it though. We didn’t have much in common. He’s not really a big talker or a deep thinker. Often things would feel mundane and passionless with him, but at the time, I swept it under the rug thinking I was being overly critical because he was such a nice guy. I would, however, see friends and family members getting into relationships and they would seem so head over heels in love. I wondered why I never felt that for Mike. I would often catch myself fantasizing about other men, but would never, ever even THINK to act on it. I was solely focused on Mike. Despite how dull I found him to be, I still loved and respected him. My family liked him and considered him to be a safe bet. He’s always been very cautious and quiet or some would say boring. At the time, I was just so happy to have someone by my side who actually wanted me too, that I didn’t even think too deeply about our compatibility or lack thereof.

 

I would consider myself to be a complex, multilayered person (in good ways and in bad ways). I love outer space and talking about the possibility of life on other planets. I love music and art and discussing it. But my biggest passion is my career field: medicine. I am a dreamer and I love to dream BIG. I love to fantasize about an incredible future and an incredible life. Mike is a very practical type A person. He rarely indulges me in my fantastical ideas. He says a normal life working 9-5 making $60k a year is good enough for him and he won’t actively seek more out of life than that. Maybe I can be idealistic sometimes, but I get so bored of his pragmatism. It seems like his only interest is sports, which I am completely uninterested in at all. He is just so one-dimensional to me. I’ve known all this since the beginning, but I still continued the relationship because it seemed like he loved me and I didn’t know if there was better out there for me. My 18 and 19 year old lack of self-esteem convinced me that no one else could possibly ever love me and that I needed to hang on to someone who I wasn’t 100% into. At the time, I didn’t think too much of it, but now looking back years later, I can see that this lack of compatibility is the root of our major problems.

 

Fast forward 3 years and I am now 21 and Mike is 23. Everything up until that point was fine. I wasn’t head over heels in passionate romance, but I did love him and felt that our relationship was solid. If nothing else, he was my best friend and I couldn’t picture us being apart. However, my world shattered when he broke up with me for the first time. He told me he just didn’t want to be in a relationship. He wanted time to himself to be a single guy. Fair enough. Although I was devastated at the time, I can now see why a male who’s been in a long term relationship from age 20 to age 23 might want to experience single college life. It makes sense to me now, but at the time I was BEYOND devastated. I begged him to work it out with me to no avail. Then a few days later, he came back asking to work it out and I took him back immediately. No questions asked. That was my first huge mistake. We then went through a long cycle of him breaking up with me and trying to get back with me. This took such an emotional toll on me, but my self-esteem was so incredibly low at this time that I kept going back. Eventually I started to demand answers and he finally admitted that he had been seeing someone else and going back and forth between us. The other girl was pretty fickle too. Apparently she would break up with him often as well. Every time she broke up with him, that’s when he would come running back to me. This affair he had with her lasted for three years. He also gave me cold sores during this time, but claims It was something he’s had since childhood. I was so ashamed. I didn’t tell anyone about any of this and just suffered in silence for three years.

 

After three years of the back and forth, the other girl broke it off with Mike for good and I was finishing up grad school. At this time, I was 24 and Mike was 26. I left the country for a few months to study abroad and we reconnected through social media. He begged me to give him another chance and pleaded with me that cheating on me was the worst mistake of his life. I don’t know why I was stupid enough to try again with him, but I did. I came home and we reconciled, but the breaking up and making up continued for about another year before we got really steady again. However, this time I was starting to get fed up. By the time I reached age 25, I was a different person then I was at 18. I had a bachelor’s degree and a master’s degree and was in the process of applying to medical school. I lost weight and started to feel healthy and confident. I travelled and studied a lot and started to explore myself and develop a new sense of self-worth and purpose. I hardly even recognized the scared, insecure 18 year old little girl that I was when I met Mike. Because of this, when Mike broke up with me for the 10th time, I finally decided I was going to take a page out of his book and start exploring other options. During this time, I ended up meeting Nathan.

 

Nathan and Mike could not possibly more starkly opposite. Nathan is a dreamer like me. His personality is extreme and intense. He too has MANY faults and personality flaws, but I was NEVER bored with him and I liked that. Nathan was also in a professional field, which he was very passionate about. We could talk all night about anything and everything, which was so refreshing in comparison to the constant silence and lack of enthusiasm I got from Mike. Nathan was just fun and exciting, but I didn’t see much of a future with him due to his unpredictable nature and volatile lifestyle. I didn’t take my relationship with him seriously and thought of him as more of a rebound. Because of this, I never bothered to tell any of my friends or family about Nathan. My ridiculously stupid thought process was that I would just do to Mike what he had done to me for three years. I figured when Mike was ready to come back, I would just leave Nathan. But it wasn’t that simple. Eventually Mike did come back as usual, but I had a lot more trouble leaving Nathan than I thought. He introduced me to something that I didn’t know existed and I could never feel the same way towards Mike again after that.

 

I would like to add an important note here that none of my family or friends knew how unhealthy and unstable my relationship with Mike was. Because of the fact that we broke up and got back together so often, I stopped telling people when we would break up because I was sure the separation wouldn’t last and I didn’t want to look like a complete idiot going back and forth a million times. So most people in my life (even those closest to me) thought we had a good, solid relationship for the past 7 years. I am very good at putting on a front like everything is fine. My parents adored Mike and naturally people eventually started to ask us when we would finally get married. As many of you know, once a women gets to be in her mid 20s, we start feeling the pressure to get married. Many of my friends and female family members in my age group were getting engaged at that point and although I was happy for them, I couldn’t help but feel jealous and bitter about it. I started to deeply resent Mike for taking my best years, making me miserable and being so uncommitted to me.

 

Skip forward to me being 27 and Mike is now 29. At this point, I think he is starting to feel the marriage pressure too. He started acting different. He stopped breaking up with me and started to talk about long term commitment. At this point I had been seeing Nathan for a few months and hadn’t stopped. I was essentially dating both of them and neither of them knew about it. About 6 months after I met Nathan, Mike decided to propose to me. He got my whole family involved and did it so publicly that I couldn’t say no. And at the time, I didn’t want to say no. I consider myself an intelligent person, but I am also very stupid sometimes. I thought of getting engaged as a status symbol. I thought it meant I was worth something now. I wanted to join the club of everyone around me who were becoming wives. I thought something was wrong with me and that having a wife title would make me alright. These feelings of happiness lasted for about a week after the engagement before I started having serious and intense doubts.

 

We were engaged for a year and a half and the whole time, I knew I wasn’t in love with him. The whole time, I was still seeing Nathan on the side. Wedding planning gave me so much anxiety. The more money were spent, the more stuck I felt, and the deeper my depression got. I felt like I had no way out. Save the dates and invitations started going out and I felt like I couldn’t turn back. Everyone was excited and making travel plans. I felt like I had to go through with it. Eventually I finally confided in my parents that I had so many doubts and wasn’t sure that I wanted to marry this person. They claimed they would support any decision I made, but I knew they would be disappointed if I called it off. That’s because they had no idea of the depth of our dysfunction. But they were paying for everything and nothing was refundable. I felt so guilty putting my parents out of all that money for no reason. Everyone told me it was just cold feet and everything would be fine.

 

So I went through with the wedding a month ago. I was so happy right after the wedding because we had a great time. It was a fun, expensive party and I had a blast. But I felt like I had more fun with my friends and family on the night of the wedding than I did with my husband. I didn’t even want to sleep with him on the night of! And once the high of the wedding festivities wore off, I realized that I still wasn’t happy. It has only been one month of marriage and I am already miserable. I didn’t change my last name and we didn’t merge our bank accounts because I feared it wouldn’t last and I wanted to make the divorce easier. We’ve never lived together before now, but I have realized that I have absolutely no connection left with this guy anymore. We are SUCH different people I can’t picture living the rest of my life like this. I am starting medical school next year in a different city far away and Mike refuses to move with me. He has a practical degree and could get a decent job anywhere, but he doesn’t want to move with his wife so that she can start medical school. He says he’d rather just be long distance until I’m done and can come home. I seriously don’t see our marriage surviving a separation like that for 4 years. I am already so checked out of the relationship that I fear I won’t make the necessary effort to sustain a long distance marriage, especially as a busy medical student. I believe it is possible if the couple is truly in love and committed to each other, but I feel that we are not. On top of it all, I still talk to Nathan occasionally on the phone. I am not in love with him, but he gives me something that my husband doesn’t give me: company and conversation. I am so bored and depressed and I don’t see a way out of this. I am 29 years old now and I feel like I’ve wasted so much time. I want kids, but if I divorce Mike, realistically speaking it will take forever for the divorce to be finalized, to move on, meet someone else, date, and get married again. I’m afraid I’ll be 40 by then and well beyond my child bearing years. I’m just so upset that this is the state of my life right now. I’ve made so many stupid decisions and now I am paying for it. The shame of divorcing after less than a year gives me so much anxiety. The fear of never finding someone else is keeping me stuck. This is such a mess and I have no idea what to do. If you read all of this, you deserve an award. I really just needed to vent and hopefully someone out there can offer me a word. Thanks for taking the time to listen.

 

TLDR: I am a 29 year old female who made a mistake getting married to her long time on and off boyfriend. I don’t have any kids and now I fear I am too old to start all over and have a family with someone I truly love. I fear the shame of divorcing after such a short marriage, but I also deeply fear wasting more time in an unhappy situation. I need advice or at least for someone to tell me they understand. Have any of you been in situation like this? Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Were you able to divorce and quickly meet your soulmate and remarry? I want to be married with kids, just not to Mike.

[Mr. Lucky]

I’ve made so many stupid decisions and now I am paying for it.

 

Hard to argue with this. You're a classic example of making "right" decisions for very wrong reasons, including letting the "shame of divorcing after less than a year" keep you in a relationship that seemingly died a long time ago.

 

Were I you, I'd get myself post haste into the office of a good therapist or IC. Reevaluating your preconceived notions of what love, marriage and commitment mean might bring you some clarity as you move forward in - or from - your relationship.

 

Your present situation clearly doesn't seem sustainable. Welcome to LoveShack...

 

Mr. Lucky

[amaysngrace]

Don’t fear the unknown when the known already sucks. Yea, it might suck there too (life w/o him) but it just might be better.

 

It’s worth the chance since you only have one life and you shouldn’t have to live it miserably.

 

It’s the same as if you had children too. Two happy homes is better than one unhappy home. You should give yourself the same consideration.

 

Good luck! Change is exciting!!

[FMW]

You seem to be very self aware as to your motivations, so that's a good thing that will help you moving forward. Unfortunately just knowing what got you where you are doesn't help you stop making the same bad choices.

 

Definitely invest in counseling to help you gain clarity and to stop making those bad choices.

 

I think you're right, your marriage won't survive a physical separation, and honestly, probably just won't survive period.

 

Don't waste any more of your time or your husband's time. End the marriage and free both of you up to pursue more satisfying relationships. I'm sure you're not the only one feeling the dissatisfaction.

 

And considering staying just because you want children (if you are) would demonstrate even worse decision making.

 

I stayed in a dead marriage for far, far too long. Eventually even the friendship and family bonds are destroyed. Of course ending the relationship and divorce will be difficult in many different ways, but it can't be avoided if you want a happier life. You will get over it and move on, but you have to make the hard decisions first.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

First, know that I do not judge, only offer my opinion to be helpful.

 

You are letting fear run your life. What happens when you let fear run your life?

You think yourself as a helpless victim of circumstance and you live a life of regret. I can tell that you regret a lot of the actions or non-actions that got you where you are.

 

Life is short and you only have the one life to live. Don’t waste it and then regret it.

 

Truth is mistakes can always be corrected or fixed. And if not then they have to be accepted and forgiven. (Can you forgive yourself?)

 

You need to find the courage in yourself to overcome the fear. Do the emotional work on yourself. It is so worth it. The journey is hard but so rewarding. You deserve happiness. Only you can give you this happiness.

[Blind-Sided]

I'm right there with the guys above. Fear is running your life, and it's time that stops.

 

 

You know that you really didn't want to marry him, and you had a long history. OK... you made that mistake... but breaking it off now is (legally) easier than 5 years down the road when you have a house, kids, joint financials... and so on. Heck... you don't even need lawyers involved most likely. Not to mention... if you are going to med school, and don't have kids... you will find someone new... I'm sure of it.

 

 

Good luck.

[DKT3]

Life is not short especially when one is prone to make bad decisions.

 

I can't imagine being in a 11 year relationship with someone I'm not attracted to and honestly it doesn't even sound like you two even like one another.

 

You can't allow fear to waste two lives being unhappy, I confident your husband is just as unhappy as you, pull the plug.

[alwaysunsure222222]

Life is not short especially when one is prone to make bad decisions.

 

I can't imagine being in a 11 year relationship with someone I'm not attracted to and honestly it doesn't even sound like you two even like one another.

 

You can't allow fear to waste two lives being unhappy, I confident your husband is just as unhappy as you, pull the plug.

 

Thanks for your response. Shockingly enough, my husband says this is the happiest he's ever been and he does NOT want to separate. Honestly I wish he weren't holding on so tight because it would make it so much easier for me to leave. Right before we got married, I confessed to him that I wasn't IN love with him and he still didn't want to call off the wedding and pleaded with me that things would be better once we got down the aisle. He was so wrong and I was so stupid. Life with him isn't horrible I guess. He's not abusive, we don't fight, and he's no longer cheating as far as I know. I just feel so unfulfilled and bored. I don't have romantic feelings for him. As time goes on, I'm less and less attracted to him. Even his little mannerisms and gestures that I never cared about before just annoy me now!

[alwaysunsure222222]

I'm right there with the guys above. Fear is running your life, and it's time that stops.

 

 

You know that you really didn't want to marry him, and you had a long history. OK... you made that mistake... but breaking it off now is (legally) easier than 5 years down the road when you have a house, kids, joint financials... and so on. Heck... you don't even need lawyers involved most likely. Not to mention... if you are going to med school, and don't have kids... you will find someone new... I'm sure of it.

 

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks for your response! This is exactly why I didn't change my name, didn't merge my finances, and avoiding pregnancy. I know all that stuff will just make it more difficult to divorce down the line. But who gets married with thoughts of how to make the inevitable divorce easier?? Most brides can't wait to change their name, buy property together and have babies with their husbands! That's how I know this is all wrong. I definitely don't want to bring kids into this situation. I want a clean break and a fresh start. I'm just sooooo embarrassed to divorce after such a short time when we just had this big beautiful white wedding. I fear no one will ever take me seriously again, including potential future partners.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I fear no one will ever take me seriously again, including potential future partners.

 

Is that a reason to be miserable for this one and only shot you have at life?

 

If it's mostly pride and fear keeping you where you are, you should "get over yourself" (I mean that in the nicest way possible lol). FYI, there is shame in divorce no matter how long you've been married, especially if kids are involved. It's not a feeling you can really avoid.

[alwaysunsure222222]

You are letting fear run your life. What happens when you let fear run your life?

You think yourself as a helpless victim of circumstance and you live a life of regret. I can tell that you regret a lot of the actions or non-actions that got you where you are.

 

Thank you so much for this. I absolutely do let fear rule my life and it's starting to make me miserable! Fear of the unknown, fear of what my family will think, fear of what HIS family will think. Fear of never finding love again or finding it too late to start a family. Fear that no one in my community will take me seriously. As a physician in training, I find it important to maintain a good reputation. Divorcing so soon makes me look like a fickle and immature person who doesn't understand the gravity of my own major life decisions. Why would patients trust me with THEIR major life decisions when I can't handle my own? Maybe I'm taking it too far, but these are the things that keep running through my head... I'm disappointed by how easily influenced I was and how much of a push over I continue to be

Edited August 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[alwaysunsure222222]

Were I you, I'd get myself post haste into the office of a good therapist or IC. Reevaluating your preconceived notions of what love, marriage and commitment mean might bring you some clarity as you move forward in - or from - your relationship.

 

This genuinely made me feel better so thank you. I've been dying to see a therapist for a while now, but could never afford it. Ironically enough, now that I'm married, I can afford it since I am under my husband's insurance now, which will cover it.

Edited August 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[alwaysunsure222222]

 

And considering staying just because you want children (if you are) would demonstrate even worse decision making.

 

Oh I definitely don't plan on having kids with him. That would be absolutely stupid. I am many things, and I've made some bad choices, but I am no dummy. I know kids will only complicate an already complicated situation even further. Thanks for your response!

Edited August 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[alwaysunsure222222]

Don’t fear the unknown when the known already sucks. Yea, it might suck there too (life w/o him) but it just might be better

 

I like your positivity! Change can be exciting, but right now this just feels so hard :/

Edited August 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Flame Aura]

You already know you have made many mistakes over the years. Are you prepared to NOT make another? Staying married with Mike would be your next big mistake.

 

 

Get a divorce, live your life and find someone else you are happy with.

 

 

Stop caring so much about what other people think. Shame of divorcing after a year? Who really cares?! This is your life, you live it how you want.

 

 

Stop being so scared to make difficult decision. Carry on like this and when you are 99 on your deathbed you will look back and regret so much.

 

 

We only have one life, start taking control of it. You will find someone else FOR SURE.

[DKT3]

Thanks for your response. Shockingly enough, my husband says this is the happiest he's ever been and he does NOT want to separate. Honestly I wish he weren't holding on so tight because it would make it so much easier for me to leave. Right before we got married, I confessed to him that I wasn't IN love with him and he still didn't want to call off the wedding and pleaded with me that things would be better once we got down the aisle. He was so wrong and I was so stupid. Life with him isn't horrible I guess. He's not abusive, we don't fight, and he's no longer cheating as far as I know. I just feel so unfulfilled and bored. I don't have romantic feelings for him. As time goes on, I'm less and less attracted to him. Even his little mannerisms and gestures that I never cared about before just annoy me now!

 

I believe its foolish to believe you told this man you dont love him, he is a serial cheater and you believe he is happy. Like you, he has his reason for wanting to stay married doubtful it has anything to do with him being happy with you.

 

Divorce is hard, the fear can be crippling and keep you in suspended. Truth me, you haven't cornered the market in unhappy with in your marriage.

[healing light]

Half of everyone gets a divorce if you live in the US. It's hard for people to play Snow White when they've been there themselves.

 

Don't waste any more of your youth on this situation, it will just prolong the process and make it more painful for everyone.

 

Who cares what other people think? They're not the ones married to someone they can hardly tolerate. At most some people will talk about it in a conversation or two and then that will be it. Is that worth staying miserable for?

[Mr. Lucky]

Fear of never finding love again

 

You're in love now? Sure doesn't sound like it...

 

Divorcing so soon makes me look like a fickle and immature person who doesn't understand the gravity of my own major life decisions.

 

I don't think projecting your life circumstances out before a board of hypothetical Puritan opinion makers is a sound basis for decision making. As your road here proves.

 

alwaysunsure222222, truth be told, you have been a "fickle and immature person". Owning in is the first step towards fixing it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

I've made some bad choices

 

Reading back through your post, it's amazing how many choices you've made from the "don't" side -

 

- you get with a BF you're not really attracted to because you DON'T think anyone else would want to be with you

 

- you stay with him even though he's not committed to - and cheats on - you because you DON'T want to be alone

 

- you accept his public proposal because you DON'T want to be embarrassed in front of friends and family.

 

- you go through with a marriage you have no interest in because you DON'T want to back out

 

- you stay married even though you don't love your husband because you DON't want to divorce right after the wedding

 

Most people make decisions based on the potential upside. Your life to this point has been dedicated to limiting the downside. Not a very rewarding way to live...

 

Mr. Lucky

[FMW]

Shockingly enough, my husband says this is the happiest he's ever been and he does NOT want to separate.

 

My xH was adamant that he loved me, I was his life and he wanted to stay married, even after he had been unfaithful for years with different women. The truth was he didn't want to lose the stability and security of having a wife and financial partnership.

 

People hold on tightly to marriages for many reasons. Do you think your husband knows all the feelings you've written about here? Don't assume you know what's going on in his head and heart either.

[alwaysunsure222222]

My xH was adamant that he loved me, I was his life and he wanted to stay married, even after he had been unfaithful for years with different women. The truth was he didn't want to lose the stability and security of having a wife and financial partnership.

 

People hold on tightly to marriages for many reasons. Do you think your husband knows all the feelings you've written about here? Don't assume you know what's going on in his head and heart either.

 

I'm not making assumptions. I'm going based off of what he told me directly. He PROBABLY does love the security of having me around because he feels like I'll never leave. It's possible that he's mistaking being in love with me for being in love with the stability of having a wife like you said.

[alwaysunsure222222]

Reading back through your post, it's amazing how many choices you've made from the "don't" side -

 

- you get with a BF you're not really attracted to because you DON'T think anyone else would want to be with you

 

- you stay with him even though he's not committed to - and cheats on - you because you DON'T want to be alone

 

- you accept his public proposal because you DON'T want to be embarrassed in front of friends and family.

 

- you go through with a marriage you have no interest in because you DON'T want to back out

 

- you stay married even though you don't love your husband because you DON't want to divorce right after the wedding

 

Most people make decisions based on the potential upside. Your life to this point has been dedicated to limiting the downside. Not a very rewarding way to live...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Was this supposed to be helpful? I'm pretty sure I'm already well aware of all the bad decisions I made and I'm clearly suffering for it now. I never denied that fact.

[d0nnivain]

OMG. What a story.

 

Have you ever had individual therapy? Get some. You are going to need it for a lot of reason but especially to get through medical school & practice.

 

Second if you really want a divorce apply sooner rather than later. If you are religious you can get this annulled. You weren't in the right frame of mind to get married / didn't have the proper mental capacity (which is different from legal capacity). You don't want kids which is a reason every religion will let you out. He's refusing to live with you which is marital abandonment.

 

All that said, the idea of being married of having this be permanent is terrifying & overwhelming. I was in my 40s when I married for the 1st & only time. I was so freaked out I called one of my BFF's a Divorce Lawyer from my Honeymoon & begged her to start proceedings. The 1st year of being married was so hard. I had no idea how to function as a couple. Everything was a struggle. It was awful but I am so glad we got through it. DH is amazing even through the bad stuff now.

 

If you think you might want to stay or you at least want to be able to say you tried, get marriage counseling. If any couple needs it you two do. For an educated person you have very poor communications skills in your personal life & no boundaries. You are like a leaf blowing in the wind. It actually frightens me that you will be going to medical school; it's one of those physician heal thyself things.

[DKT3]

I'm not making assumptions. I'm going based off of what he told me directly. He PROBABLY does love the security of having me around because he feels like I'll never leave. It's possible that he's mistaking being in love with me for being in love with the stability of having a wife like you said.

 

Everyone has a different perspective of what love is. I believe that its unlikely that you dont love your husband and he you.

 

The problem is you both believe you can do better In a partner, because of that neither of you have ever been committed to the relationship.

 

Years ago we had a woman here much like you, she was never committed to her husband or marriage. She never cheated but her husband and marriage was never a priority. He felt that, so he went out looking for something in other women. She wanted a divorce he didn't. Once they were divorced he quickly moved on and she got stuck wondering if she actually ever tried. Now she regrets that. I'm not saying you don't have issues in your marriage, what I'm saying is you never had a marriage. You've never been invested. Do you believe you will regret that in the years to come? If you think yes or maybe, then you should make an honest effort. If not move on and stop wasting your time.

[alwaysunsure222222]

OMG. What a story.

 

Have you ever had individual therapy? Get some. You are going to need it for a lot of reason but especially to get through medical school & practice.

 

Second if you really want a divorce apply sooner rather than later. If you are religious you can get this annulled. You weren't in the right frame of mind to get married / didn't have the proper mental capacity (which is different from legal capacity). You don't want kids which is a reason every religion will let you out. He's refusing to live with you which is marital abandonment.

 

All that said, the idea of being married of having this be permanent is terrifying & overwhelming. I was in my 40s when I married for the 1st & only time. I was so freaked out I called one of my BFF's a Divorce Lawyer from my Honeymoon & begged her to start proceedings. The 1st year of being married was so hard. I had no idea how to function as a couple. Everything was a struggle. It was awful but I am so glad we got through it. DH is amazing even through the bad stuff now.

 

If you think you might want to stay or you at least want to be able to say you tried, get marriage counseling. If any couple needs it you two do. For an educated person you have very poor communications skills in your personal life & no boundaries. You are like a leaf blowing in the wind. It actually frightens me that you will be going to medical school; it's one of those physician heal thyself things.

 

I'm sorry, but I had to comment on this. Why would it frighten you that I am going to medical school? Clearly the admissions committee deemed me worthy and intelligent enough. And being admitted to med school is no small feat. I made a series of personal mistakes in my late teens and early 20s which resulted in me being stuck in a bad marriage. This means I won't be a good doctor now? That is exactly how I feared people would perceive me, but it's not right. Are you a doctor? Medical/educational intellect and emotional intellect are two very different things. Believe it or not, most doctors have TERRIBLE personal lives and don't interact well with people in general. School is where I've always thrived and in that aspect I am VERY confident in my capabilities. I only lose my senses when it comes to romantic relationships, probably because my parents had a VERY unhealthy and abusive marriage as I was growing up and my dad cheated constantly. I used to think it was normal.

 

Anyway, about having poor communications skills in my personal life, I really can't argue with that. When you say I have no boundaries, can you elaborate? Not offended, just genuinely curious what you mean by that. Thanks for your response.