You've probably never heard anything this ridiculous before

[alwaysunsure222222]

Everyone has a different perspective of what love is. I believe that its unlikely that you dont love your husband and he you.

 

The problem is you both believe you can do better In a partner, because of that neither of you have ever been committed to the relationship.

 

Years ago we had a woman here much like you, she was never committed to her husband or marriage. She never cheated but her husband and marriage was never a priority. He felt that, so he went out looking for something in other women. She wanted a divorce he didn't. Once they were divorced he quickly moved on and she got stuck wondering if she actually ever tried. Now she regrets that. I'm not saying you don't have issues in your marriage, what I'm saying is you never had a marriage. You've never been invested. Do you believe you will regret that in the years to come? If you think yes or maybe, then you should make an honest effort. If not move on and stop wasting your time.

 

Wow, this is probably the most accurate description I've seen about my relationship with my husband. You are absolutely right. I think deep down we probably BOTH felt something was missing. We both thought we could find someone more compatible so neither of us have ever been fully committed. It's like we were both just biding time with each other waiting for something better to come along. He wasn't committed to me physically and I wasn't committed to him emotionally. I believe I was never able to stimulate him enough physically and he has never been able to stimulate me enough mentally or emotionally. We stuck together because we had history and it was just easier to settle, especially with all the outside pressure to do so.

 

Thanks for including the example about the woman not being fully committed to her marriage. That helped me put things into perspective. You are absolutely right in that this doesn't truly feel like a marriage. We live together, but I don't feel like he's my HUSBAND. There's a lot of "I" and "me" and very little "we" when we speak. I honestly feel more committed to my career than I do to my marriage. I know this because I wouldn't hesitate to leave my husband to attend medical school, but I would not be willing to give up medical school just to stay married. In an ideal world, I wouldn't have to choose, but there is no medical school close to where my husband and I live and it is so competitive to get accepted that you kind just gotta go to whichever school is willing to take you.

[DKT3]

I think what she is getting at is you make poor decisions and cant seem to figure your way out. That is a scary idea when it comes to being a physician. My little brother is a physician and since we were little dudes he was always decisive and confident in his decisions. He always thought though his options. I dont see that in you

[d0nnivain]

I'm not a doctor but I am a licensed professional in another area -- high stress, required to absorb other people's drama, long hours etc. I can relate. I also have a number of friends who are doctors & we were friends when they were in med school so I have seen some of this from as close to the inside as you can get without being a med student.

 

My comment about your lack of boundaries is part of a sense that for whatever reason you lack self esteem. That I understand because my self esteem can tank horribly at times, despite what other people see as my success & prestige of career. Mine stems from perfectionism which is generally what plagues most academic high achievers; we fear somebody else is smarter, better etc. However, when you are doing that you can't be any good to your patients.

 

As much as you hated Mr. Lucky's response, his bullet points highlighted the specifics. You make decisions for the wrong reasons, not based on a choice that will maximize your happiness. This will be an imperfect example but let's say you decide to study to be a heart surgeon. There is some complicated long surgery that if done correctly will completely cure your patient & restore them to full health but you are not fully familiar with it. When it works it's great but it has a serious failure rate. Then there is another surgery that will save the patient's life but maybe only get them 80% functioning but otherwise has a high success rate & low risk. Apply the decision making you have exhibited in your personal life, if the patient asked for the riskier surgery, you'd give it to them even though the other choice was superior.

 

You need to take everybody else's needs & expectations out of this equation. What do you want? Why do you want it? How can you achieve that? You don't have to answer here publicly but you need to address these questions. More importantly the answers can't be couched in the negative. I don't want a divorce because I am afraid I can't do better or I fear being alone is a lousy answer. You need to be heading toward something not fleeing some fear.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Medical/educational intellect and emotional intellect are two very different things. Believe it or not, most doctors have TERRIBLE personal lives and don't interact well with people in general. School is where I've always thrived and in that aspect I am VERY confident in my capabilities.

 

I don't know if this is true or not but I will say I dated a psychologist for many years who told me that many Drs. (MDs) are social dwarfs since they've spent so much time studying while others were getting social experience. Obviously this doesn't pertain to all MDs. Interesting that you posted that.

 

I do think you need to get into therapy ASAP. It sounds to me from what you've written that neither you nor your husband are happily married.

 

My first inclination after reading your post was to recommend starting divorce proceedings right away. But, my concern is that though you're unhappily married you may really love your H and end up regretting the divorce later on down the line.

 

Definitely get into therapy and for sure protect yourself from becoming pregnant.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm pretty sure I'm already well aware of all the bad decisions I made and I'm clearly suffering for it now. I never denied that fact.

 

OP, simply trying to get you to be proactive about breaking the chain.

 

You’re obviously very intelligent. Yet some of the smartest people I know have the most dysfunctional personal lives. You’ll deal in your practice someday with people “well aware of all the bad decisions” they’ve made health-wise.

 

I wonder what advice you’ll give them ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[alwaysunsure222222]

I think what she is getting at is you make poor decisions and cant seem to figure your way out. That is a scary idea when it comes to being a physician. My little brother is a physician and since we were little dudes he was always decisive and confident in his decisions. He always thought though his options. I dont see that in you

 

Well thank God you don't sit on the admissions board for my medical school.

[alwaysunsure222222]

I don't know if this is true or not but I will say I dated a psychologist for many years who told me that many Drs. (MDs) are social dwarfs since they've spent so much time studying while others were getting social experience. Obviously this doesn't pertain to all MDs. Interesting that you posted that.

 

I do think you need to get into therapy ASAP. It sounds to me from what you've written that neither you nor your husband are happily married.

 

My first inclination after reading your post was to recommend starting divorce proceedings right away. But, my concern is that though you're unhappily married you may really love your H and end up regretting the divorce later on down the line.

 

Definitely get into therapy and for sure protect yourself from becoming pregnant.

 

What can I say, it's true. Learning how to save lives is hard and time consuming work. When you're as goal oriented as we are, social and relational aptitude tends to get put to the back burner, I guess (obviously not in the case of every doctor, but many). I think it could also have something to do with the types of personalities that are drawn to medicine in the first place. Usually we are obsessive perfectionist types who are hyper-focused on a single goal or task. Again, this is obviously not true for every single case, but I've met many students like this along my journey.

 

I do love my husband, but as more of a friend than a lover. Despite how everything sounds, I KNOW he will be hurt if I file for divorce and I don't want to hurt him, but it might be for the best. But I think I will heed some of the advice I got here and get into individual counseling as well as marriage counseling. Hopefully this can help us to better navigate the situation and develop the best solution for everyone involved.

[alwaysunsure222222]

OP, simply trying to get you to be proactive about breaking the chain.

 

You’re obviously very intelligent. Yet some of the smartest people I know have the most dysfunctional personal lives. You’ll deal in your practice someday with people “well aware of all the bad decisions” they’ve made health-wise.

 

I wonder what advice you’ll give them ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

My aunt is also a physician. A very highly specialized physician at that. She is EXTREMELY intelligent, very successful in her career, and well respected in her community. And she's been married 4 different times to 4 different men. I definitely don't want to repeat her cycle and I do want to break the chain of bad decision making in my personal life. If I do divorce and remarry one day, I want it to be the LAST time. I want to improve myself and do this right.

 

To answer your hypothetical, I would work to find a SOLUTION for my patient and work with them to get on the path to optimal health.

Edited September 2, 2019 by alwaysunsure222222

[Mr. Lucky]

To answer your hypothetical, I would work to find a SOLUTION for my patient and work with them to get on the path to optimal health.

 

I don't think it's enough to get them on the path, you'll have to teach them a new form of navigation. There's no single wrong turn that leads one to obesity, substance abuse or lifestyle-caused cancer, it's the mindset that's flawed.

 

To me, your approach has been similarly problematic. At least in your personal life, you look to avoid mistakes, not the same thing as creating success. I'd guess your professional demeanor - and results - are quite different...

 

Mr. Lucky

[AMarriedMan]

Were I you, I'd get myself post haste into the office of a good therapist or IC. Reevaluating your preconceived notions of what love, marriage and commitment mean might bring you some clarity as you move forward in - or from - your relationship.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr. Lucky nailed it.

 

What a horrible relationship. It clearly died years ago. Your family members were extraordinarily stupid to pressure you into marriage despite knowing your relationship with Mike was very dysfunctional. Please do go and talk to a professional about situation.

 

Thank goodness, you have no children. A short marriage like that should be relatively easy to dissolve as you don't have children or any property together. You are not even living together.

 

Since you first got together with Mike you have grown up quite a lot. It is perfectly natural for people to change in their twenties. Just being with anyone out of a fear of being alone is no basis at all for a healthy relationship. Your decade of agony is a consequence of this fact. I think Mike's desire to step out on your relationship in college was partly a result of him sensing the relationship between the two of you wasn't right.

 

You need to work on your issues on your own. Eventually, you will meet someone who you can have genuine feelings for and who will have those feelings for you too. Take good care of yourself and remember you're worth loving.

[AMarriedMan]

School is where I've always thrived and in that aspect I am VERY confident in my capabilities. I only lose my senses when it comes to romantic relationships, probably because my parents had a VERY unhealthy and abusive marriage as I was growing up and my dad cheated constantly. I used to think it was normal.

 

Anyway, about having poor communications skills in my personal life, I really can't argue with that. When you say I have no boundaries, can you elaborate? Not offended, just genuinely curious what you mean by that. Thanks for your response.

 

I agree with you. It was completely out of line on part of the other commentator to question your professional capabilities because of your personal problems. She knows absolutely nothing about how you have done in your medical studies.

 

It's not that uncommon for people to handle different aspects of their lives differently. To question someone's professionalism because of issues in their personal lives in contexts like this is not helpful at all. What that does here is only add to the pressure to do nothing about the personal problems.

[AMarriedMan]

Most people make decisions based on the potential upside. Your life to this point has been dedicated to limiting the downside. Not a very rewarding way to live...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Limiting what downside? A wholly imaginary one, in my opinion. OP has identified the root cause of her bad relationship choices in her youth and that is believing herself to be incapable of ever attracting a man she can be attracted to herself. At 20, it is way too early to believe that. Young adults in their 20's are quite malleable.

[mark clemson]

I fear I am too old to start all over and have a family with someone I truly love.

 

Probably not.

 

Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

 

Sometimes, unfortunately, one has to blast a hole first before one can see that light. "Blasts" do tend to cause damage, but - does one wish to stay stuck in the tunnel forever?

 

Your career move may be a logical time to end the marriage if that's what you decide. I think the advice above to consider re-investing fully was worth considering; however being LD for an extended period is not a good circumstance for that, particularly with a husband who cheats.

 

Were you able to divorce and quickly meet your soulmate and remarry? I want to be married with kids, just not to Mike.

 

I can't speak from experience, but I suspect this will take some time. "Soulmates" (meaning a really really great marriage with few "rough patches" or other significant issues) are quite rare I believe and probably too high a standard to set. My understanding is that many people "settle" for pretty good instead and that is often how families get made. (Note: I wouldn't consider what you describe in your post as "pretty good").

 

Haste makes waste, but I understand you are on a bio timeline. Sometimes there are no easy choices.

 

It's worth noting that as a doctor, you will very likely have a good income. Assuming this is true, it means that having kids via in vitro and raising them with the help of nannies, etc may be a plausible approach for you if absolutely necessary. If you end up in that situation, your dating can focus on divorced fathers with partial custody of their kids who like being dads. You will probably bring much to the table for these men, esp. with a doctor's income.

[alwaysunsure222222]

I agree with you. It was completely out of line on part of the other commentator to question your professional capabilities because of your personal problems. She knows absolutely nothing about how you have done in your medical studies.

 

It's not that uncommon for people to handle different aspects of their lives differently. To question someone's professionalism because of issues in their personal lives in contexts like this is not helpful at all. What that does here is only add to the pressure to do nothing about the personal problems.

 

EXACTLY! Thank you so much for understanding. I am on a forum about love and relationships to seek help and advice with my personal life, which I am clearly and admittedly failing in. I'm not here to be told that I'm going to make an awful doctor. It didn't insult me too badly since I was already accepted to med school and I know what I am capable of academically, but I just found it utterly unhelpful and irrelevant.

[alwaysunsure222222]

Mr. Lucky nailed it.

 

What a horrible relationship. It clearly died years ago. Your family members were extraordinarily stupid to pressure you into marriage despite knowing your relationship with Mike was very dysfunctional. Please do go and talk to a professional about situation.

 

Thank goodness, you have no children. A short marriage like that should be relatively easy to dissolve as you don't have children or any property together. You are not even living together.

 

Since you first got together with Mike you have grown up quite a lot. It is perfectly natural for people to change in their twenties. Just being with anyone out of a fear of being alone is no basis at all for a healthy relationship. Your decade of agony is a consequence of this fact. I think Mike's desire to step out on your relationship in college was partly a result of him sensing the relationship between the two of you wasn't right.

 

You need to work on your issues on your own. Eventually, you will meet someone who you can have genuine feelings for and who will have those feelings for you too. Take good care of yourself and remember you're worth loving.

 

Thank you for your kindness and honesty. I have made an appointment for therapy. "Heal thyself," right? I am excited about it. I want to do better and be better.

[alwaysunsure222222]

Probably not.

 

 

 

Sometimes, unfortunately, one has to blast a hole first before one can see that light. "Blasts" do tend to cause damage, but - does one wish to stay stuck in the tunnel forever?

 

Your career move may be a logical time to end the marriage if that's what you decide. I think the advice above to consider re-investing fully was worth considering; however being LD for an extended period is not a good circumstance for that, particularly with a husband who cheats.

 

 

 

I can't speak from experience, but I suspect this will take some time. "Soulmates" (meaning a really really great marriage with few "rough patches" or other significant issues) are quite rare I believe and probably too high a standard to set. My understanding is that many people "settle" for pretty good instead and that is often how families get made. (Note: I wouldn't consider what you describe in your post as "pretty good").

 

Haste makes waste, but I understand you are on a bio timeline. Sometimes there are no easy choices.

 

It's worth noting that as a doctor, you will very likely have a good income. Assuming this is true, it means that having kids via in vitro and raising them with the help of nannies, etc may be a plausible approach for you if absolutely necessary. If you end up in that situation, your dating can focus on divorced fathers with partial custody of their kids who like being dads. You will probably bring much to the table for these men, esp. with a doctor's income.

 

 

Blasting a hole in the tunnel to see the light. That was such a fantastic analogy. I think you're absolutely right. I really can't disagree with anything you said.