BWFMT Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 Hi All! How do you dump a friend? In the last 12 months or so I have begun referring to my best friend as my 'oldest' friend. This is probably as I do not feel so close to her anymore. We have known each other a long times but of late I just do not feel like I can even talk to her on a friendly level without facing extreme scrutiny. We have known each other 14 years or so, there have been periods where we stopped speaking all together. These periods were usually instigated by me in retaliation to hurtful acts by her however we always reconciled, This time... there has been no real hurtful act on her part. I just feel disinterested in her. She is something of a 'humblebrag', has a minor superiority complex and is forever telling me how 'This relationship wont last', or 'You're rich, you should pay for me' and recently told me I should give a surprise small windfall to her and her baby as they needed it more. BUT just recently she made a great song and dance about how her new job love her so much and were going to promote her and QUOTE: "I'LL BE EARNING SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU" I found out from a mutual friend recently that when I was on a (well deserved) break recently she did nothing but bitch about me while I was away. She slates my lifestyle. She slates my choice in men. She slates my taste in music. She basically has nothing good to say about anything I do. Whenever we spend time together she expects me to pay for everything. I know right...none of this is remotely healthy, and is DOWNRIGHT TOXIC. I have felt myself pulling away much more, and just recently I bailed on her birthday to spend time with other friends as the very thought of a night out with her filled me with dread. When she is drunk she is an aggressive, argumentative nightmare who even less fun to be around. I guess this is why one person showed out of the twelve invited to her birthday... I don't have any desire to fix the friendship, and right now have taken to ignoring her (I have cited 'mental health' as to why I might be silent for a bit but this is an outright lie. The reality is I have been having a lovely time catching up with friends whose company I do enjoy...) How do I approach this? I know she will be hurt whichever way but I want friends who build me up and support me; not make me feel like absolute kaka and fill me with dread at the thought of even spending an afternoon with them. Just because we have been friends for 14 years is not reason enough to cling onto something toxic...right? Link to post Share on other sites
D0nna Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 That's not your friend or never been! Cut her off! Quick! Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 perhaps continue to ignore her and she will get the message, it is possible she will then be confrontational and ask you for a explanation be honest with her at that point, and outline to her in person, your problems with her, also be open to reconciliation if she is remorseful of her previous ways at any stage in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 She was only your friend (if at all) when it benefited her. It happens and it's happened to me. But the most effective and self explanatory way to rid yourself of her is to simply ignore her. She'll get the picture but I'd wager she'd whine some more. She sounds jealous anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BWFMT Posted August 29, 2019 Author Share Posted August 29, 2019 Thanks Guys... I think there probably was a good friendship when we were young, self centred and somewhat egocentric. Of course most people grow out of that well before they reach their mid 20s but she still has a very 'ME' attitue. Just recently when I told her I was not feeling her birthday drinks, her response to not going to her birthday celebration: "You think EVERYTHING is how YOU feel/ how you're doing. You always do because you can't imagine anything else." Well... yes, it is. We live in seperate towns; I ALWAYS seem to be the one visiting her (admittedly I would rather not have her grubby, wild 2 year old running amok in my home as she has little to no control over him...) and when I do visit she seems to expect me to pay for her groceries, takeout food or drinks at the pub - despite her being in a pretty well paid job! For the record the vast majority of my close friends would likely describe me as the type to put everyone before myself, and I feel a little taken advantage of. Yet according to the friend in question I'M SELFISH. I actually feel quite angry to be honest; she wont back down if I keep ignoring her, but also I kinda wanna just have it out with her... give her a few home truths and let her know EXACTLY how I feel. Probably should stop over analysing things although I think everything points to a dying friendship Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 I haven't had much luck in the friendship department myself so I understand how hard it is to let one go. I am sorry that this person has proven to not be a friend. IMO it would be best to just go NC and block her just like you would with any other relationship gone bad. I really think it's not worth the trouble to have it out with her. You will only feel horrible latter because that is not the type of person you are. If you go NC... maybe after a decade or two you can reconnect. I hope it all works out for you... wishing you peace. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BWFMT Posted August 29, 2019 Author Share Posted August 29, 2019 I haven't had much luck in the friendship department myself so I understand how hard it is to let one go. I am sorry that this person has proven to not be a friend. IMO it would be best to just go NC and block her just like you would with any other relationship gone bad. I really think it's not worth the trouble to have it out with her. You will only feel horrible latter because that is not the type of person you are. If you go NC... maybe after a decade or two you can reconnect. I hope it all works out for you... wishing you peace. Thank you ... I guess it is one of those friendships where I now consistently find myself excusing her behaviour, explaining that we are only really friends because we have known each other so long or that if we met now, not knowing each other, then probably we would not so much as look at each other let alone be friends! I do have this odd sense of loyalty, but a friendship should not be draining and tiring... I certainly should not feel exhausted after time together. I thought she would get better once she was back into work after having her baby, but it has only served to make her more egocentric. I guess it has been a week since we last spoke and honestly, I have NOT missed her in the slightest... I guess that speaks volumes. Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 (edited) Friendships are like that... people come and go in our lives. I totally get the loyalties thing especially with childhood friends. I am loyal to fault... I have a hard time giving up. I can walk away for a long time and come back without a grudge… I have a xfriend that I have known all my life and every time I let her back into my life I only regret it. This last time there was a 30 year break in-between and once again I regretted. Some people are just not worth it. The last time this xfriend and I talked on the phone she was going on and on about some cliché … it goes long the lines that if someone does something to you once... blah blah… if they do it to you twich blah blah… but if they do it to you three time... then blah blah… lol funny... I think she is now on her third time and this time I doubt we will ever reconnect again... like I said some friendships are just like that. That xfriend of mine doesn't give up either. I haven't talked to her in almost a year now. About 6 months ago she sent me an email which I never read... but replied back that I was all the horrible things she was saying and I regretted letting her back into my life to leave me alone but just this week... she added me to snapchat. I only use that app to take selfies. lol... so now I've blocked her on that too. Edited August 29, 2019 by Rayce Link to post Share on other sites
Author BWFMT Posted August 29, 2019 Author Share Posted August 29, 2019 Friendships are like that... people come and go in our lives. I totally get the loyalties thing especially with childhood friends. I am loyal to fault... I have a hard time giving up. I can walk away for a long time and come back without a grudge… I have a xfriend that I have known all my life and every time I let her back into my life I only regret it. This last time there was a 30 year break in-between and once again I regretted. Some people are just not worth it. The last time this xfriend and I talked on the phone she was going on and on about some cliché … it goes long the lines that if someone does something to you once... blah blah… if they do it to you twich blah blah… but if they do it to you three time... then blah blah… lol funny... I think she is now on her third time and this time I doubt we will ever reconnect again... like I said some friendships are just like that. That xfriend of mine doesn't give up either. I haven't talked to her in almost a year now. About 6 months ago she sent me an email which I never read... but replied back that I was all the horrible things she was saying and I regretted letting her back into my life to leave me alone but just this week... she added me to snapchat. I only use that app to take selfies. lol... so now I've blocked her on that too. Sounds quite familiar. This is the longest her and I have been without any kind of falling out HOWEVER, I think that is because I have become somewhat submissive to her and instead of calling her out on her BS have just rolled my eyes and let her do it. The truth is she really is not a pleasant person to be around, and if I keep allowing it actually I guess I only have myself to blame... It's such a shame that friendships turn out this way. When they are the ones we expect to support us through tough times, and you suddenly realise that they have actually made tough times harder and it may have been easier without their toxicity and negative influence! Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 I have never dumped a friend. It was more like a mutually recognized process that we were moving in different directions and it happened without either of us making any open declaration. We just stopped hanging out together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 I have ditched friends and complete groups of friends for various reasons...grew apart, out grown them, and some were going down a road of drug abuse I didn't want to be a part of. I simply stopped talking to them, made excuses not to hang out, did the slow fade. Link to post Share on other sites
Geraltt Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 Friendships are like that... people come and go in our lives. This is very true and has actually been studied academically. A Dutch researcher (or perhaps team of researchers), studying a large population base, has concluded that people lose about 50% of their friendships over seven years and replace them with another set. No joke... Half of All Friends Replaced Every 7 Years My own experience tends to mirror this finding. Smackie9 summed it up nicely: people drift apart. Sometimes there are reasons for it, other times the friendship simply reaches its natural end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 I'd have said something so rude she'd have never spoken to me again as soon as she made that comment about you should give your windfall to her and her baby who need it worse. I'd have said something about her having kids she can't afford and expecting other people to support her. I guess you're a lot nicer than me. So I guess avoidance is your best bet. I assume you have some common friends so that it can get awkward or you could just block her. In lieu of that, do the slow fade and don't let her corner you when you're around mutual friends, just leave the room or whatever to get away. Hopefully now she has a baby, she won't be out and about as much, which is probably exactly what she's got a bug up about and taking it out on everyone else. Just politely decline invitations, "Sorry, busy." I'm sure her schedule isn't very open anyway, so this shouldn't be that hard. At this point, if you were a more direct person, you could just start telling her exactly what you think of her rude comments, but that doesn't sound like you, so just avoid and tell her too busy and STOP telling her anything at all personal about yourself because if you're going to put her behind you, she doesn't need to have any info about you to use against you. Link to post Share on other sites
MetallicHue Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 Avoidance will get the message across. Some call it the “slow fade”. In some ways it can occur naturally or you can do it on purpose. Personally I would tell said person to go fly a kite and never see them again. If you’re less confrontational just avoid or slow fade them. I’ve never purposely avoided friends just naturally faded out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 I ended a friendship with a friend I've know 30 years about a year ago. I just stopped returning her calls and was never available for her anymore. Pretty soon she got the message. I feel so much better that she's gone. Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 She sounds like a nasty person. I would just cut her off! Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 I have never dumped a friend. It was more like a mutually recognized process that we were moving in different directions and it happened without either of us making any open declaration. We just stopped hanging out together. Ah, but men and women are different when it comes to friendships schlumpy. Men's friendships are more perfunctory and less emotional. Whereas, women are more social and emotional. Men's friendships are based on shared activities. Women's friendships are based on shared feelings. Women invest more in their friendship maintenance, whereas men don't view staying in touch as a high priority. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 Probably should stop over analysing things although I think everything points to a dying friendship You're not over-analyzing this. I think you are processing the entirity of the friendship's duration, to decide if this is something you need in your life and want to continue dealing with. It makes sense that you would think about it. I think this friendship was based on what you could do for her. She sounds very entitled and well, frankly, very mean. 12 years is a long time. Friendships change with time and this one seems to have grown more toxic with time. She's like a very toxic mold to your psyche, polluting it with her passive-aggressive treatment and gaslighting and manipulation. If you want to end this friendship, I think that would be the best thing to do. She never had your best interest at heart, I feel, from what you've posted about her. She is not someone who puts others' needs before her own. No one needs someone like that in their life, who is that self-centered. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 Ah, but men and women are different when it comes to friendships schlumpy. Men's friendships are more perfunctory and less emotional. Whereas, women are more social and emotional. Men's friendships are based on shared activities. Women's friendships are based on shared feelings. Women invest more in their friendship maintenance, whereas men don't view staying in touch as a high priority. thank you for the insight Link to post Share on other sites
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