Short term affair vs long term affair

[Diggity11]

Some of my friends and I were having a debate to see which is worst as one of my co workers share their story.

 

Here you go

 

The wife had a Long term affair - emotional (assuming she was emotionally attached and feelings was involved due to the length ) and physical (number of sexual encounters 50-60) for little over 2 years with one guy.

 

The husband affair - was only physical (number of sexual encounters 3-4 combined) for about a month with 2 girls.

 

Your thoughts on Which is worst and why? I know they both cheated and cheating is wrong but does it matter the number of sexual encounters and length of affair? Which is easier to forgive?

[Maddie82]

Cheating is cheating, whether its emotional or physical its still cheating. The amount of times and length of time doesn't matter. It's cheating. It's wrong and unforgivable.

[schlumpy]

Sounds like he went after a revenge affair?

[DKT3]

I believe in some situations it depends on which gender had which kind.

 

Example, women would be more likely to forgive a purely physical affair while many men will forgive a purely emotional affair.

 

The woman in your scenario had a full blown affair, really a second relationship while the man was hooking up.

 

As stand alones both are horrible.

 

Ultimately it really just depends on the people involved, how remorseful they are after cheating and what they are willing to do to fix it.

[smackie9]

The husband obviously.

[RecentChange]

I think it's an individual thing as for which is worse.

 

Both my husband and I have cheated (mine was 4 years ago, his 13 years ago).

 

Both were brief, numbered in months, not years and were not emotionally involved - they were sexual encounters, not "relationships".

 

I can fathom, and have forgiven something like that.

 

For me? Emotional connection, and something lasting years, I don't think that is something I could forgive. That's not coming off the rails for a moment, that's living a double life.

 

To me, sex is cheap, but love, real intimacy are rare jewels and I value them much more.

 

I can work though "I had sex with someone else" - "I fell in love with someone else" is a different story.

[oldtruck]

Some of my friends and I were having a debate to see which is worst as one of my co workers share their story.

 

Here you go

 

The wife had a Long term affair - emotional (assuming she was emotionally attached and feelings was involved due to the length ) and physical (number of sexual encounters 50-60) for little over 2 years with one guy.

 

The husband affair - was only physical (number of sexual encounters 3-4 combined) for about a month with 2 girls.

 

Your thoughts on Which is worst and why? I know they both cheated and cheating is wrong but does it matter the number of sexual encounters and length of affair? Which is easier to forgive?

 

 

Based on what you posted the wife did more damage.

 

However that does not make the husbands affair less bad.

[oldlion]

The question is "does the length of the affair and the number of sexual interactions matter?"

 

Having been career military I'll put it this way. Had you rather be shot one time or five times? Had you rather trip and fall down the stairs or trip and fall over a cliff? Unless both sides are equal then it matters. Yes they are both cheating but one is walking away with a lot more experience and past action than the other. It is only human nature to feel that one affair, of a longer length with more sex, is not equal to a shorter affair with less sex.

 

I also have a thought about a "revenge affair". Once cheating has entered into a relationship then that relationship is basically dead until the two in the relationship either revive it or start a whole new relationship . So if the one cheated on has an affair it is just an affair. They may do it for revenge but it is still just an affair as the former relationship is dead. Yes it may cause more damage to the dead relationship but the one, first cheated on, didn't start this train of relationship destruction. If it helps to get past the hurt and pain and they feel it levels the playing field, then so be it. During my career I once knew a soldier whose wife had an affair for six months while he was deployed. When he discovered the affair his wife cried, begged, and made promises for him not to leave her. Here was his answer to her. He told her she owed him a six month sexual affair with another woman of his choosing. He may collect on that debt in a year, or five years or maybe never. It all depended on her and her future actions. Last I heard he had never collected on the debt and they were still married. To me, anything, that doesn't require physical violence, that pulls you out of that deep dark hole of hurt, pain, and infidelity is justified. My view is tainted because of all the infidelity I saw in relationships in the unit I was assigned (Special Forces). Divorce was very common. And to be fair, the men were just a guilty as the wives that were left behind. Just my two cents. I do wish you well.

[schlumpy]

When he discovered the affair his wife cried, begged, and made promises for him not to leave her. Here was his answer to her. He told her she owed him a six month sexual affair with another woman of his choosing. He may collect on that debt in a year, or five years or maybe never. It all depended on her and her future actions. Last I heard he had never collected on the debt and they were still married.

 

Thank you. Interesting story.

[carhill]

It's not a contest to determine who blew up the marriage more. It's exploded.

 

Every person assigns their unique perspective to their relationship boundaries and responsibility. IMO there are no generalities. Also, where humans are involved, there can be and often is hypocrisy, e.g. rules for thee and not for me. Life is short. Perhaps if one is a behavioral scientist figuring this stuff out is time well spent. For the rest of us, eh, life goes on. However, as man and husband, smelling another guy's spunk on one's wife can cause thoughts

[Gaeta]

I could not forgive an affair with feelings involved.

[Flame Aura]

Affair with emotions and feelings as opposed to just physical is definitely a lot worse.

[mark clemson]

Everyone's a bit different; there's no one rule.

 

To some an extended pure EA means more than a short ONS or similar PA. Others would feel the opposite.

 

So, which is "worse" is purely in the eyes of the beholder (i.e. the BP).

[Mr. Lucky]

Affair with emotions and feelings as opposed to just physical is definitely a lot worse.

 

If my spouse wasn't emotionally invested in either myself or her AP, have to wonder about her ability to commit or connect with anyone.

 

I'd be sleeping with one eye open for a long time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Diggity11]

Good story old lion. My opinion I think they both are in the wrong . However I think the wife did more damage due to the length and encounters. I think it would be harder to forgive the wife due to her being emotionally connected . I don’t know if she loved the other guy or not as that was never mention but I can assume the length of the affair and her being a woman (usually for women it’s more than just sex) she may has emotional connection/attachment or strong feelings. With the husband short term affair I am not sure if feelings was in love but I doubt it.

[Diggity11]

@recent change

How many sexual encounters did you have with AP? What about your husbands if he shared that information ?

[elaine567]

Is this to be taken as a sequence of events or as two scenarios to be considered separately?

 

If separately then it could be said that the wife had an "excuse" in that her feelings got involved and a relationship developed.

The husband on the other hand actively sought out other women to cheat with and found not only one partner but two.

Both scenarios may be deal breakers to the BS.

 

However, going forward, without the "love interest" the wife may not cheat again, the husband is more of an unknown quantity.

A "love interest" is usually harder to find than someone who is merely up for NSA sex...

But both may indeed have the potential to cheat again.

 

If "love" is all-important then the wife would be hard to forgive.

If sexual fidelity is paramount then the husband would be hard to forgive.

 

Seems to me most married people do a cost benefit analysis and when faced with cheating they tend to go with what is ultimately best for themselves and sometimes staying is the option chosen whatever the transgressions may be.

Divorce is hard on everyone and blowing up a marriage may at the end of the day not be considered "worth it".

Especially when there are kids and sizeable assets involved...

[pepperbird]

During my career I once knew a soldier whose wife had an affair for six months while he was deployed. When he discovered the affair his wife cried, begged, and made promises for him not to leave her. Here was his answer to her. He told her she owed him a six month sexual affair with another woman of his choosing. He may collect on that debt in a year, or five years or maybe never. It all depended on her and her future actions. Last I heard he had never collected on the debt and they were still married.

 

 

Why either the husband or wife would choose to stay in that sort marriage is beyond me.

[Mr. Lucky]

However I think the wife did more damage due to the length and encounters. I think it would be harder to forgive the wife due to her being emotionally connected .

 

That somehow presumes you'd take comfort in the fact your spouse was cold-hearted and narcissistic enough to sell out your marriage for a physical encounter with someone, no feelings involved? Pennies on the dollar?

 

That isn't the person I'd want to spend the rest of my life with...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lana-banana]

I could forgive a physical affair. I'd hate it, but I'd get over it, I think. If my husband had an emotional affair I'd go full-on scorched earth. How DARE he talk about his feelings with some trollop.

[somanymistakes]

obviously everyone is entitled to their personal feelings, but I can't help but fall over laughing at the idea of "Well, sticking his d!ck in anything that moves is fine, but how dare my husband have a CONVERSATION with anyone but me???"

[lana-banana]

obviously everyone is entitled to their personal feelings, but I can't help but fall over laughing at the idea of "Well, sticking his d!ck in anything that moves is fine, but how dare my husband have a CONVERSATION with anyone but me???"

 

It's called exaggerating for comic effect! Nobody is seriously saying that. I assure you, friendships are well and good. And if my husband was having affairs right and left or even a repetitive cheater, that would be completely unacceptable. But emotional involvement feels like much more of a betrayal than physical infidelity.

[Timshel]

obviously everyone is entitled to their personal feelings, but I can't help but fall over laughing at the idea of "Well, sticking his d!ck in anything that moves is fine, but how dare my husband have a CONVERSATION with anyone but me???"

 

 

MMKAY then.

 

I vote both are indicative of an unhealthy marriage.