alwayswondering Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 One minute I am happy with fiance and one minute I don't even want to look at him. How do I know what is right and how I really feel? I am 30 years old, I should be old enough to figure this out. I don't want to make a mistake either way. He has no clue about this and I can't tell him, it would kill him. I keep thinking about past relationships and the one that got away that I thought was the one (he is married with kids now). It has been years and I still long for him. What am I gonna do? Maybe I am just supposed to be single. HOw do I figure out what I want and what is right for me? One minute I think I am sure and then it changes again. I know I am the only one that can figure this out but any advice would be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Chigirl Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 I'm not married or engaged, nor have I ever been. But, my guess would be if you're questioning the relationship this much, it must not be the right one. I was in a relationship where I told the guy I could see myself with him for the rest of my life. But, I had a gut feeling when I said those words that it wasn't right and he wasn't the one. Yet, for some reason I still said those words and wanted to believe them. I wanted him to be the one. You just listen to your gut and your head. Your heart can play tricks on you! Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 You know when you want to be with someone, so do him a favor and end it, unless you wish to settle for less. He can treat you like gold, but if he doesn't do it for you, he doesn't do it for you. Tough luck. Stop fooling yourself... Link to post Share on other sites
Firebird Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 Always wondering, I'm in the same boat!! I am weeks away from getting married and I feel the same way although I have told my fiance and he's been trying to coach me thought it but it's not helping. I find myself thinking if he is the one and for some reason in my heart and in my head it feels like he's not the one but I am so scared of making that choice of not getting married and making this huge mistake?? I have no idea what to do?? I need some help too before I met my fiance I used to be a huge party girl and now I don't leave home but to go to work and it's weird but I feel like all I want to do is go back to the way it was which is to be single I think if we don't get married then we'll never know how it feels. I keep telling myself fine I won't get married I'll just be single for the rest of my life and that's ok but I say that now I'm not sure if I'll be ok in 5,10 years from now. Just curious??? have you met someone new are you recently actractive to other men?? Link to post Share on other sites
Chigirl Posted September 29, 2005 Share Posted September 29, 2005 Do you guys want to go through a divorce? B/c it sounds like that's where you'll be headed if either of you marry your fiances. You have to go into a marriage with 100% desire and commitment. If you're having any doubts at all, that's not good and it's not going to get any better. Just tell yourself that this is the person you're going to be with for the next 50+ years. If that sounds appealing, then go through with the wedding. If it doesn't sound appealing, then break it off now. Many people worry about letting their family down or their wedding guests down, but in reality those people realize what a huge decision it is to get married. They'll respect you more for calling the wedding off. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted September 29, 2005 Share Posted September 29, 2005 Please don't go through with it. Pre-wedding jitters are normal, but you're saying that you really can't stand the sight of him 50% of the time... and that you're still stuck on somebody else who's long since moved on. None of your feelings are your fault. But you clearly have some massive misgivings about what you're about to do. Your fiance deserves somebody who wants, more than anything, to spend the rest of her life with him. And that's not you. (I hope that doesn't sound harsh because it's not meant that way... you know what I mean.) By marrying him, based on what you've said you'll be marrying him because you figure you SHOULD be happy with him. That's exactly what my ex-wife did, and I didn't find out the truth for seven years, during which time she secretly cheated and lied continually. The result of all of that was that she was miserable for seven years and I've been on-and-off miserable since her revelations two years ago. Don't put yourself, or him, through it. My hunch is, if you feel this way now, and call it off, you'll look back and realize it was the best thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Firebird Posted September 29, 2005 Share Posted September 29, 2005 I have been engaged for almost 7 months now and so far it's been great but I recently met someone at work and it worries me that I'm so attracted to this new guy that it makes me question my commitment to my marriage. Now I'm wondering if my fiance is the right guy and if he will always have my interest I don't want to be at the alter thinking what "If" it's so scary to me and the at the same time I love my fiance so much. Maybe this might help any advice you can give me my fiance and I have not been together he believe that sex should only be between a man and his wife and I'm putting alot of weight on that when we were finally able to be with each other that it will put all the finishing extras to our relationship?? let me know what you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted September 29, 2005 Share Posted September 29, 2005 Okay, that last part sealed it for me. He may have many good, principled reasons for not being intimate, but for most modern people, unless you have a really good substitute, you cannot establish the feelings necessary for marriage without that. Put the brakes on or you'll be here in 24 months (or your husband will be) with some story about this coworker and the parking lot of the 7-11. Link to post Share on other sites
basscatcher Posted September 29, 2005 Share Posted September 29, 2005 One minute I am happy with fiance and one minute I don't even want to look at him. How do I know what is right and how I really feel? I am 30 years old, I should be old enough to figure this out. I don't want to make a mistake either way. He has no clue about this and I can't tell him, it would kill him. I keep thinking about past relationships and the one that got away that I thought was the one (he is married with kids now). It has been years and I still long for him. What am I gonna do? Maybe I am just supposed to be single. HOw do I figure out what I want and what is right for me? One minute I think I am sure and then it changes again. I know I am the only one that can figure this out but any advice would be appreciated. Here we go. Repeat of my life. I'll try make this short. You need to make your own decisions. I'm just going to give you my story. I met my (Ex)husband a few months after graduating from High School. I was still in love with my High School sweetheart. He was (I thought) the man I wanted to be with. Only I couldnt be with him. He was persuing his dream - college and stability before getting married and having children. I wanted to get married and start having children with him. Anyway, I met this man who was tall, dark and handsome. WOW. knocked my socks off. Blew me away. I was so in awe of him. He also lived a few blocks away from me and seemed to have lots of time for me. He even skipped classes at college to spend time with me. We moved in together 4 months later. During this whole whirlwind my HS sweetheart was always in my mind. I wanted him so much and he didn't have the time for me so I continued to live my life full of attention from this man and lived for fun with him. Then we got pg and miscarried. then I got pg again and we had a baby boy. Six weeks before our son was born my HS sweet heart found out where I lived from my mother and he paid me a visit. I was 6 weeks before delivery. Upon seeing him I felt so ashamed for the what I had chosen my life to be. Becaused I had wished the child I was carrying was his. (I got pg on his birthday!! guess who I was fantasizing about??) We'll that was the last time I seen him. He was very nice to me during that visit and he told me if I ever needed anything to get ahold of him. I wanted to cry when he left. I felt my heart rip because I chose a different path and I wasn't on the one with him. 1 1/2 years later I got married by the insistance of my family and friends. Coming from a STRONG Catholic family I was constantly badgered to get married. To correct the situation. We weren't suppose to be living together and having children unless we were marrid. So guess what we got married. I dreaded it... I felt a pang in me that something wasn't right. I knew by my Catholic upbringing what I was doing was right. But my heart was screaming out NO... I went ahead and it was agony making all the plans and all the while dreaming I wish I was marrying my HS sweetheart.. The night before the big day I had a dream. I woke up in a sweat.. I dreamt when the preist said "If anyone knows why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace." I dreamt HE (HS sweetheart) burst through the back door of the church and said "she cannot marry this man, I know she is still in love with me." I woke up in a bolt sweating. I cried myself back to sleep. I proceeded through the wedding. I remember constantly looking around hoping he would show up for me. I made sure we announced the engagement in every newspaper in the territory.. I prayed he would come find me and talk to me about what I was doing. I wanted him to be my Romeo, my night in shining armour... *I see now I was trying to play the lost, helpless, weak damsel. I couldn't make my own decisions based on what was good for me.* 7 1/2 years later-I was a wife who was being physcially, mentally, emotionally, and verbally abused. I was neglected and degraded. I was cheated on with 7 different women. Drugs, porn, and alcohol played a large role in all these factors. I walked out and divorced him 4 months later. I got help before I committed suicide or one of us killed the other. My son witnessed most of the abuse. I had to make long term manipulative plans to move to a bigger city in order to get the help I needed to make the move. I couldnt do it on my own. (financial) I had to get different organizations to help me. I also got intensive theraphy from professionals as well as developed a strong support system of people including my mother who have lived through abuse. I found a local Preist I felt comfortable with also to help me. I needed to forgive myself for not being true to myself. I have come a long way and the scares are not as visiable. If I would have listened to myself I would not have put myself through all the hell and anguish. I spent 11 1/2 years with my exhusband. I lost any chance with my High School sweetheart. I have come to accept that he is married and his his own children. I pray for him when he comes to mind instead of desiring him. Sincerely.. A councelor asked me once "Do you think you are using your HS sweetheart as an excuse, and making up over exagerated feelings for him, because you are afraid to admit you did not want to marry your exh?" I think she is right. I was also told I had "Cinderella Complex!!" Instead of being honest with myself and what I wanted. I used someone else as my escape goat.. *+*+ Advice to you: Be HONEST and TRUE to yourself; then you will be able to be HONEST and TRUE to others. Especially the man you are planning to marry. Get some premarital counceling!!!*+*+*+* Link to post Share on other sites
Firebird Posted September 29, 2005 Share Posted September 29, 2005 Do you think because we haven't been together I have found myself very atracted to other men it's been weird because now I feel like I always want to know if there looking at me?? If other men are interested in me. Link to post Share on other sites
basscatcher Posted September 29, 2005 Share Posted September 29, 2005 Do you think because we haven't been together I have found myself very atracted to other men it's been weird because now I feel like I always want to know if there looking at me?? If other men are interested in me. IMO--Your not ready to settle down. You have too much curiosity and you desire to explore.. Its better to end the engagement; then to get married and you cheat later on once the novelty of being a wifey wears off... Link to post Share on other sites
Firebird Posted September 29, 2005 Share Posted September 29, 2005 I feel really bad about the fact that all I want right now is to have sex. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted September 30, 2005 Share Posted September 30, 2005 I feel really bad about the fact that all I want right now is to have sex. Well, it's about time you started feeling good. When I say good, I mean... Link to post Share on other sites
Firebird Posted September 30, 2005 Share Posted September 30, 2005 I felt like a totally guy when I said that about just wanting to have sex but it's true. Link to post Share on other sites
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