meded Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 (edited) I recently found out that the guy i've been dating (not in a relationship but have been going on dates/hanging out throughout the week) has recently reconnected with his ex girlfriend who cheated on him in the past and they have also begun to hangout again. As of today I noticed that he re-followed her on instagram as well.. This is despite him telling me that he hadn't seen her in months, and had no plans of dealing with her again. I went to her instagram page and saw she posted a video of herself at his place this weekend when he told me he was busy with work related things.. I understand we are not officially in a relationship but I really really like him and am just afraid of what may happen should they continue to progress..It is also worth mentioning that I happened to see a number in his phone saved as "I hate you but I love you" which i presume to be his ex (i didnt go through his phone but the notification popped up while he was right next to me)...As I stated before, I really like him but i wonder if it'd be best for me to just discontinue seeing him now..I've been in a situation where a guy I was seeing rekindled with his ex and it is very painful... What should I do? I am in medical school and thinking about this has become a bit of a distraction for the last couple of days.. This week is the anniversary of the death of my boyfriend (2 years to date) so I realize that those feelings that are resurfacing make this situation even more difficult.. Just need to know if/how i should let this go? Thanks. Edited August 30, 2019 by meded Link to post Share on other sites
Flame Aura Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 How long ago did they break up and how long were they together? How long have you been dating? What did he say when you spoke to him about him reconnecting with his ex? Link to post Share on other sites
Author meded Posted August 30, 2019 Author Share Posted August 30, 2019 They broke up 3 months ago (in between she got a new boyfriend) and were together for 8 months; she lived with him for half of that time. When i mention her to him he downplays the situation and says they dont still talk but i know this to be different. Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 This has disaster written all over it. No doubt about it, you need to cut your losses now and end it, regardless of whether he denies it or offers to cut her off again. He clearly hasn't moved on, and you don't need to waste your energy dealing with any of it. There are more important things going on in your life that require you're focus. Medical school needs to be the priority, for the sake of your future and long term happiness. That aside, I'm sorry for your loss. Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 Sorry I dont think he is over her. He is not ready to date Link to post Share on other sites
Flame Aura Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 They broke up 3 months ago (in between she got a new boyfriend) and were together for 8 months; she lived with him for half of that time. When i mention her to him he downplays the situation and says they dont still talk but i know this to be different. He is not over her. He is not ready for a new relationship. You will end up getting hurt the deeper you fall for him. You are wasting your time with him. Find someone that is emotionally ready to be in a relationship. It's not him. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 He isn't over her, OP. You know this now. It also sounds like he is rather impulsive, if they dated only 8 months and lived together for half that time. I tend to side-eye those who rush into relationships like that. In my experience, it speaks to a lack of sound judgment and mature decision-making skills. All around verdict? I wouldn't continue seeing him. He's got too much unfinished emotional business with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Maggiemay1 Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 So you only see him on weekdays??? Not weekends? How many dates have you been on? Obviously not many since 12 weeks ago he was still with his ex? And what do you mean by “hanging” out with him? How do you even know who is ex is to look her up on instagram? And why are you mentioning her to him??!! Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 I agree with the others. He definitely is not over her and clearly they are on the road to reconciliation. He's very dishonest with you too. I think you should walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 Dump him...he's not interested in making you a priority. BTW don't date guys that fresh out of a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Silver_star Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 Sorry OP, but if you were to re-read your post as if you were reading a strangers post, or a friends post, then it's easy to remove emotions and say the obvious. He is not over his ex, and continuing to hang out with him will lead to you getting hurt. Since you are not officially in a relationship I would just stop being available to him, both in person and by text. Don't ghost him, but he is obviously not being honest with you anyways about his ex, but just back off from texts, keep it short and be too busy to hang out. You will quickly see where you stand with him. Sorry to hear about the death of your ex boyfriend, I cannot imagine the hurt and grief of going through that, and I hope you seek comfort with your close friends and family instead of him during this difficult time. He doesnt deserve your time and attention, because he is only giving you the time his ex is not available for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 I've been that guy before. I can tell you with 110% certainty that he's not only not over her but will run to her like a puppy the first opening she gives him. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 Guy I'm dating still hanging out with ex That means he's really not serious about you. He's giving her an audience in his intimacy. If they were really done, he'd be doing this with you. I wouldn't waste a second of my youth in this. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 (edited) Sorry for the loss of your prior BF. While you don't have a right to expect him not to see others at this stage, the fact that he's being dishonest about it speaks volumes. IMO you should bail. Edited August 30, 2019 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyHonesty Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 I recently found out that the guy i've been dating (not in a relationship but have been going on dates/hanging out throughout the week) has recently reconnected with his ex girlfriend who cheated on him in the past and they have also begun to hangout again. As of today I noticed that he re-followed her on instagram as well.. This is despite him telling me that he hadn't seen her in months, and had no plans of dealing with her again. I went to her instagram page and saw she posted a video of herself at his place this weekend when he told me he was busy with work related things.. You've barely begun dating this guy and already he's lied to you, showed that he does not mean what he says, and invited someone back into his life that cheated. You say that you 'really really like him' but you barely know him, therefore what you like is merely a combination of first impressions, your own desires, lust, projections, fantasy and a little but of who he is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ana1234 Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I understand how frustrating this must be for you. I admire your courage to reach out for advice. Is there anyone in your family or group of friends you trust who you can talk to about this? Maybe they have gone through something similar and can give you advice. Psalm 147:3 always encourages me, which says "God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." I hope this encourages you and reminds you that you're not alone in this struggle. I am praying for you, friend. Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 Even if it does become official, you will never fully trust him. If there's an ex in the picture, there really isn't a chance of a relationship. Let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
emeraldgreen Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 Ghost him. Ghost him hard. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 you're a med school student, concentrate on that. there is plenty of time later on for you to date once you graduate and go on to do your residency and fellowship Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 Pull back. Only casual dating from now on. Disengage your feelings. If he notices - tell him why. Don't change the menu until he convinces you they are done. Meanwhile a nice dinner or movie once in a while isn't too much to put up with. Link to post Share on other sites
Maggiemay1 Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 you're a med school student, concentrate on that. there is plenty of time later on for you to date once you graduate and go on to do your residency and fellowship I agree with this!!! I work in the medical field and anyone serious about excelling and those that do , do NOT get distracted by dating. Etc . If this is a bump in the road for you , you will at best end up a GP. IMO someone that failed medicine but gained a licence to prescribe drugs only. Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 I recently found out that the guy i've been dating (not in a relationship but have been going on dates/hanging out throughout the week) has recently reconnected with his ex girlfriend who cheated on him in the past and they have also begun to hangout again. As of today I noticed that he re-followed her on instagram as well.. This is despite him telling me that he hadn't seen her in months, and had no plans of dealing with her again. I went to her instagram page and saw she posted a video of herself at his place this weekend when he told me he was busy with work related things.. I understand we are not officially in a relationship but I really really like him and am just afraid of what may happen should they continue to progress..It is also worth mentioning that I happened to see a number in his phone saved as "I hate you but I love you" which i presume to be his ex (i didnt go through his phone but the notification popped up while he was right next to me)...As I stated before, I really like him but i wonder if it'd be best for me to just discontinue seeing him now..I've been in a situation where a guy I was seeing rekindled with his ex and it is very painful... What should I do? I am in medical school and thinking about this has become a bit of a distraction for the last couple of days.. This week is the anniversary of the death of my boyfriend (2 years to date) so I realize that those feelings that are resurfacing make this situation even more difficult.. Just need to know if/how i should let this go? Thanks. Yes let him go. He lied to you about where he was. Whether w/his ex or not, lying is a huge red flag. As for the ex situation Not a good one at all. I've dated guys who were still friends w/their ex and that didn't end well (one who even lived w/his ex). There were situations that I didn't like, him watching movies w/her and stuff, but I really had no say. Personally for me, unless he has kids w/an ex, there should be no contact between them. I cut off all the guys I dated and I am strongly against any relations w/an ex. I'm sorry you are going through a hard time. There will be a guy who will want only you and this isn't the guy. Tell him it isn't working out, that being so close to his ex is a deal breaker and let them have each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Meetup Posted September 1, 2019 Share Posted September 1, 2019 I talked to my boyfriend recently and let him know I felt the relationship was inappropriate and was making me uncomfortable. We’ve been together almost a year and his ex who he was friends with but still intimate up until he and I started didn’t want to meet me because it would be weird. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted September 1, 2019 Share Posted September 1, 2019 What should I do? I am in medical school and thinking about this has become a bit of a distraction for the last couple of days.. This week is the anniversary of the death of my boyfriend (2 years to date) so I realize that those feelings that are resurfacing make this situation even more difficult.. Just need to know if/how i should let this go? Thanks. Yes, let him go. He's still not over his ex-g/f and he lied to you about spending time with her at his place because he DOES NOT respect your feelings enough to tell you the truth. He's trying to have his cake (spend time with his ex-g/f) and eat it too (string you along). Since you are in medical school, your studies should come first. Do not let bozos like this guy, distract your mind from becoming a great doctor. I think you are conflating your feelings for your dead boyfriend with this new guy who is a far cry from a stand-up guy, far cry from it. Who does that to their current girlfriend - lies about where he is, so he can sneak behind your back and spend time with his ex-g/f. Grief can cloud our judgment and I think that's what's happening in your case. I'd dump this guy. He's playing games with you already and doesn't respect your feelings at all, or he wouldn't have lied to you. And fyi, guys like him, will deflect and gaslight you, if you try to hold them accountable. They'll deflect any guilt and responsibility back to you, by focusing on how you found out their lie, so that they never have to feel guilty for lying or feel guilty for not apologizing. Focus on your studies. Focus on your friends. Dump this loser. There are better men out there who will respect your feelings, who won't sneak behind your back to hang out with their exes and lie to you about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 1, 2019 Share Posted September 1, 2019 I've been in a situation where a guy I was seeing rekindled with his ex and it is very painful.... Well, you already know how this ends. You have more than enough info to tell you your spidey senses are correct, try not to repeat history. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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