WHY are You FAT?

[Big Aus]

I'm severely overweight and unfit.

And I know why. For most of my adult life, I've eaten poorly, eaten too much, and not exercised enough.

I am trying to do something about that now, and its working very slowly, but its a struggle.

 

The sad fact is that my marriage was extremely destructive. My ex mostly refused to exercise. She was never interested in anything remotely strenuous or sporting, most I could ever get her to do was walk, and even then. We would resolve to go walking "every evening" and that would last for about 2 days, and then she would make excuses and I would be on my own.

 

Everytime I would try to instigate some healthy eating in our family, she would sabotage it, usually by going "shopping" and buying nothing but icecreams, coke, and chocolate biscuits.

 

Now don't get me wrong, I don't blame my ex. Our marriage was screwed up in multiple ways. I'm just saying that it was an unhealthy environment and it has left me with a legacy.

 

And I'll be honest, I guess it has left me a little scarred, and apprehensive.

 

I don't want to go back to living like that, and I don't want a relationship that's going to drag us back down that path.

 

So yeah, I'm scared when I see a potential date who clearly doesn't give a rats about her health.

[Fair]

Well, I'm not sure what your question is but I suggest listening to Marisa Peer on youtube. She's a psychologist who has some interesting videos up about weight … both how to manage it and why people overeat.

 

Something she said the other night made me sit up and take notice and I suddenly thought... WHY am I eating so unhealthy? What am I DOING? Suddenly, almost overnight I came to realize I never want to ever pick up a bag of chips again.

 

I'm not obese but I could stand to lose a few pounds and be healthier. Eating bad is LITERALLY suicide.

[Kitty Tantrum]

I've got a bunch of small reasons that kinda add up.

 

I was skinny when I was little, and then when my parents split up, my dad latched onto my skinny-ness as something he could use to claim that my mother was neglecting me/not feeding me properly (not true). Then he proceeded to encourage me to eat more than I should (pizza for daaaays). Then when I started getting a little bit OVERweight, he went too hard in the other direction and suddenly everything was about watching what I ate, low fat/fat free everything, etc. - which really just made me want to eat MORE, and made me desperate to cram fatty foods in my face whenever I could. It really didn't help that the restrictions were exclusive to ME. Like, I could have a maximum of two Oreos and my brother could have basically as many as he wanted because he was skinny.

 

I came away from that with some issues RE: nutrition and eating habits and was heavy for quite a while, but I managed to overcome eventually and was in great shape for several years.

 

Then I got really sick and couldn't be physically active, gained back about half of what I lost before, and have hovered around the kinda-sorta-fatty range for a couple years (though I lost about half of that half again, the rest is still clinging).

 

I STILL get those desperate urges to just absolutely hoover up ALL THE FATS like I might never see a stick of butter again. Add to that the fact that I learned to be a VERY good cook/baker, and it can be hard sometimes to exercise self control. I tend to comfort eat, which I know is related to the food restrictions I faced in childhood. I HAVE to get active again to lose the weight, I'm not good at being super strict with my diet. I'm highly emotionally resistant to food restrictions, self-imposed or otherwise. I eat mostly healthy food. I just have never been able to pare my intake down enough to lose weight through diet alone. I need the exercise.

 

Having been through the whole substantial weight loss thing before, I can say pretty confidently from experience that AT THIS POINT, where I don't have an illness holding me back anymore, the biggest factor for me is actually footwear - or the lack thereof. I have an incredibly hard-to-fit foot, just not proportioned AT ALL like anything that's commercially available. They're also really bendy/flexible which doesn't help.

 

All of my favorite calorie-burning physical activities (walking, running, hiking, climbing, etc. and basic exercises that involve the lower half of the body) absolutely depend on having footwear that fits well and flexes properly with my feet when I move.

 

The only thing I've found that works kinda well for me is those stupid toe-shoes. They're ugly as sin, but they actually mostly kinda fit my foot and don't cause problems. They're also $50+ per pair and I can literally wear the soles off within a few weeks.

 

I sunk hundreds of dollars into footwear the first time I buckled down and got in shape. I don't really have the money now to do that again. It sucks to sit at home and look out the window and imagine that I could be out walking for 10-15 miles nearly every day (something I love to do), except for the fact that every shoe I own that I was ever able to really walk in (half a dozen pairs or so) now has an actual hole worn all the way through the rubber sole. And they're not really re-soleable.

 

So I'm working on making shoes, but I'm still a ways out from having anything that is suitable for athletic use. Siiiigh.

[Mrin]

Also not exactly sure what your question is but try this on.

 

Start living a healthy lifestyle. Right now.

1. Throw out any empty calories you have at home. Soda. Pasta. Chips. Desserts. Anything. Get rid of it.

2. Pick a decent meal plan. Probably something in the Keto variety. Big on protein, moderate on fats, low/no on carbs. Learn some easy "go to" meals to prepare.

3. Stop eating out. Seriously. Like declare a 30 day moratorium. And then when you do eat out start making healthier choices. Avoid fried foods. Breads. Pastas.

4. Pick an exercise routine and stick with it. I'd honestly suggest avoiding cardio initially. Let's face it, cardio is rarely fun. Instead, try some strength training. Google 5x5 and start going to the gym 5 days a week. Should only take you 30-45 minutes to start.

5. Get 8 hours sleep a night.

6. Cut down or eliminate alcohol. If you are still going to partake go with spirits like vodka, whiskey or tequila over beer. No mixers. Even wine is better than beer.

 

HINT: When I really want to make sure I do something I make a deal with myself. If I don't do it then I have to do something I find completely horrific. For instance - I can't stand Donald Trump. So I use that to my advantage like, "I must do XX pushups a day or I will donate $10 to his reelection campaign for every day I miss". Something like that.

 

Why do this? You'll lose some weight for sure. You'll feel better and get stronger. Your confidence will improve. Overall you will be healthier.

 

But... those are just all tangible results. The real reason is that you'll start to create healthy habits and a healthy lifestyle for yourself. You will attract and be attracted to people with similar habits and lifestyles. Also, when you meet someone who doesn't share your habits and lifestyle, you will be more incompatible with them and less likely to get pulled back into being unhealthy in the future.

 

Anyhow, I hope that helps.

 

Mrin

[Blanco]

I put on a ton of weight over a year and a half about five years ago, after being a pretty active guy throughout my twenties. I had moved in with my girlfriend at the time and her young children. Lots of stress for various reasons, and I basically stopped weight training, or even getting much physical activity. Took to really poor eating, and bam, 50 pounds in 18 months.

 

Got out of the relationship, dropped most of the weight, then spent the next few years putting on and taking off anywhere from 20 to 30 pounds. Most of the time, it was just poor eating habits, despite me being pretty knowledgeable about nutrition. I would just binge too much, whether I was doing well or not, so I can't even really blame life circumstances. I just wasn't intentional enough in my food choices.

 

Recently got back down to my lowest weight since 2013 with an intentionally slower approach (about .5 to 1 pound of weight loss a week) to preserve muscle and not just end up as a smaller version of my chubby self. Still have probably 20ish pounds I'm aiming to lose by next spring just because I'm curious what I'd look like really leaned out.

 

But yeah, for me, it's all about being more mindful of my food choices. I still have pizza and some takeout pretty much every week, but it's done in a way where those are aberrations to my overall diet. I think what helps is focusing on foods that will keep you feeling full. I don't really feel like I'm dieting, because I rarely feel hungry unless I haven't eaten in a while. I log what I eat with a mobile app, which I recommend anyone do for a while, just because most people really have no idea how much (or little) they actually eat.

[RecentChange]

I really recommend the Noom app.

 

It's psychology based, it helps you identify why you over eat, and then gives you a bunch of behavior modification tools to help you break bad habits and develop healthier ones.

 

It breaks things down into tiny steps so that you aren't overwhelmed with a bunch of change at once.

 

If you want it, if you are ready to make some life style changes - it's a great system.

[Mr. Lucky]

The sad fact is that my marriage was extremely destructive. My ex mostly refused to exercise. She was never interested in anything remotely strenuous or sporting, most I could ever get her to do was walk, and even then. We would resolve to go walking "every evening" and that would last for about 2 days, and then she would make excuses and I would be on my own.

 

Everytime I would try to instigate some healthy eating in our family, she would sabotage it, usually by going "shopping" and buying nothing but icecreams, coke, and chocolate biscuits.

 

Big Aus, have you ever spoken to a therapist or counselor, especially one specializing in food issues, about this?

 

Lots of blame-shifting in your post. Helping you find clarity in those issues might really set you up for weight-loss success...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Big Aus]

No, there's a big difference between acknowledging reality, and "blame-shifting."

As I said, I take 100% ownership of my health issues.

 

But I guess my question(s) are this:

1. Is it wrong to be looking for a partner who prioritises healthy eating and exercise, in the hopes she will help keep me inline?

2. Am I being too judgemental to be scared off by a woman who I feel has treated her health really badly?

[d0nnivain]

I'm fat because I drink too much & I like sugared soda. When I manage to cut back, the pounds fall off.

 

The secret is to make lifestyle changes in small increments.

 

1). Is it wrong to be looking for a partner who prioritises healthy eating and exercise, in the hopes she will help keep me inline?

 

2. Am I being too judgemental to be scared off by a woman who I feel has treated her health really badly?

 

It's not wrong to want a healthy partner but it's unfair & unrealistic. You are solely responsible for your health & your consumption. If you want a weight loss coach, hire one. Do not expect your partner to be that for you. You can expect your partner won't sabotage you.

 

You are not being judgmental to want to avoid people who will drag you down rather then lift you up.

[gaius]

It's also probably somewhat unrealistic to hope for a woman who's very health conscious when you're still morbidly obese yourself. I don't think most women who are into jogging and carrot sticks are going to be attracted to a huge fixer upper.

 

If you manage to make those changes on your own and shed a ton of weight then yeah, it would be good to find someone who won't encourage you back down that path. But good luck right now.

[Watercolors]

Big Aus, focus on your own health right now. A romantic partner's not responsible for your health choices. What you sound like you need, is a fitness trainer or health coach.

 

Fitness trainers/health coaches' roles are to motivate and inspire and help their clients stay on track to eat healthy, and track their own weight loss journey at the gym and at home.

 

To expect a girlfriend to do that for you? Nah. That's not her job. That's your job. Once you get back into your fitness and nutrition routine, and you're ready to date then you should seek out women who share your love for fitness and nutrition, so that you two compliment each other's lives, not complicate it with mismanaged expectations.

[salparadise]

But I guess my question(s) are this:

1. Is it wrong to be looking for a partner who prioritises healthy eating and exercise, in the hopes she will help keep me inline?

2. Am I being too judgemental to be scared off by a woman who I feel has treated her health really badly?

 

No, it's not wrong at all. I think the best relationships are often when people complement each other in some ways, while having similar values. I want the same for myself, although I don't care to date vegans/vegetarians.

 

I'd suggest making the lifestyle an actual priority (as opposed to wishful thinking) before getting involved with someone who is all about healthy lifestyles. Such folks are probably looking for the same in a partner, not a project. And, you really should take responsibility for it and supply your motivation and discipline. Respect could hinge on this for some of dedicated types.

[jah526]

I lost about 35 lbs a few years ago. Still have 5-10 lbs to go. This is what worked for me. I cut out all soft drinks and replaced them with tea or coffee. I started cooking at home. I keep track of calories. Often I’ll have a surplus at the end of the day, so I can have a bit of dessert or cereal. I walk about an hour a day. I haven’t cut out anything from my diet other than soft drinks. I’ve just reduced the amount. Even dessert is fine - either I’ll have a small amount or I’ll move it to breakfast. Cake for breakfast is delicious. Eating out is ok too - I just cut the meal in half or thirds.

[major_merrick]

For me, the extra weight is all pizza, pralines, pilsner, and pregnancies. I am almost back to my pre-baby weight, which I think is damn good since I just gave birth in July.

[amaysngrace]

Save yourself, don’t leave it up to somebody else to be doing for you what you can do for yourself.

 

Being that way isn’t attractive at all.

[Geraltt]

If possible, try to get a referral to a professional dietitian.

 

Not a nutritionist. A dietitian.

 

Anyone can call themselves a nutritionist. A dietitian is a profession, with required certifications.

 

He/she (most of them are female) will likely be able to give you a personalized plan to help you lose weight and even avoid diabetes.

 

And do this for you. Not for anyone else.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Personally, I recommend that you make your diet/lifestyle change a priority over dating for the moment.

 

Unless you meet someone at the gym who is on the same path as you, it will be difficult.

 

Once you have some time under your belt after establishing a healthy routine where it's second nature, then you can think about adding someone new into your life.

 

Losing a ton of weight and changing your whole mindset from an unhealthy one to a healthy one is a lot like going to rehab - you have to make it your priority and sole focus otherwise you're too vulnerable to pitfalls and sabotage. You also can't rely on anyone else to get you there or keep you there - starts and ends with YOU.

 

It takes 21 days to make or break a habit. Find a program, however simple like walking for 30 minutes 5 times a week and commit to it for at least 21 days. Once you achieve that benchmark, aim for another realistic goal and strive for that for 21 days and on and on it goes.

 

I too am a big believer in therapy. Often weight is a result of psychological issues that stem from past trauma from childhood or a past relationship etc. The best way to fight those demons is to address them head on and conquer them once and for all and that is best done with the help of a professional.

 

Good luck.

[Ruby Slippers]

We tend to attract partners of a similar mindset, including with similar health and fitness habits. So you're much more likely to meet health- and fitness-minded women as you become more healthy and fit yourself.

[basil67]

But I guess my question(s) are this:

1. Is it wrong to be looking for a partner who prioritises healthy eating and exercise, in the hopes she will help keep me inline?

2. Am I being too judgemental to be scared off by a woman who I feel has treated her health really badly?

 

1. Yes it's wrong. Pay for a life coach or personal trainer....don't expect freebies from your gf.

2. Pot calling the kettle black? You tell us.

[basil67]

We tend to attract partners of a similar mindset, including with similar health and fitness habits.

 

So at this stage, someone who's obese and who can't fix it without support.

[crispytoast]

It's spelled phat and I can't really explain it but it's quite mesmerizing.