PhoenixRising8 Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 (edited) Many of you will remember my thread and story. Near the end of my thread I said that I dream of revenge but never thought that my dream revenge would have the possibility of becoming reality. Certainly not only 4 months after the fact. Today, my dream came true. No I haven't done anything ... yet. I likely won't but the thought that I can gives me great joy and glee. Before I go into that, just a bit of an update on me. We have now been NC for exactly 16 weeks today. After 6 weeks of wallowing and self introspection, the last 10, the real me has come out. I started a new job I really like and is a much better fit than the one I lost just a few weeks before the end of the affair. Through meet up, I have met people that I now socialize with and I have been out every weekend dining and dancing. I'm having a much better summer than I thought I would at the beginning of May and I can honestly say that it has been a good summer. Although I think about him (and I have no idea why I do), it isn't with longing or pining, more like what the hell was I thinking? Despite NC, I will admit to lurking BS's FB weekly, but it's done to reinforce that who I think he is, is who he is, and he isn't who I initially thought he was. It reinforces, just on the off chance he calls, that ending it and keeping it ended is the right thing. I deserve SOOOO much better. Seeing them together on their anniversary, proudly showing off home improvements, pictures of the happy family on vacation and photos from his last marathon reinforces how he can lie to her face and go on as if he hasn't betrayed her in the worst ways possible. I could have been in her shoes had he left. That poor woman he is married to deserves so much better too. After today, I can honestly say, there is NO love for him, not that I felt that in the last 2 months anyway. So here's what happened. Just after we broke up, I created a hidden profile on AM and checked it out every week or so, wondering if he will go back there. Today, guess who popped up in my search? Yup! My sweet, loving, first time cheating xMM!! Well according to him anyway. And it only took him 4 months! I so want to send anonymous screen caps to BS. I haven't done that but she deserves to now what a complete scumbag she is married to. The moral family man she thinks she is married to is playing her for a fool. IF I do send them, I will wait a while, but I likely won't. But boy does he deserve to get found out! I guess my text diatribe has thankfully made him uninterested in reaching out to me now that he has the itch again. I'm pretty sure that subconsciously I threw all my anger and disgust out on him via text so he would never be tempted to contact me again. I am now confident he won't. It also occurs to me that if he can go only 4 months without, it's hard to believe he spent 3 years before me living like a monk as he said. He told me he was a first time cheater, I was his soulmate, he had a connection with me like no one else ever, I was the love of his life. Until October of last year that was true for me also but slowly his 'waffling' killed it for me. I still believe a part of him wanted to leave as he actually took the step of telling her. But my prognostication came true: he will cheat time and again to fill the void in his life because he can and because he hasn't the balls to deal with his marriage either way. I told him this directly, face to face and over text. That is what I would have found myself with when at some point he was dissatisfied. NO THANK YOU! So to all you others who can not get over your xMAP, think about that. They can seem so sincere and in love but is what you want for yourself someone like that? Seriously ... what is there to love? Someone who avoids dealing with issues? Who will find someone else behind your back? Who will lie to your face and not bat an eye? Being alone is better than being with someone like that. And if you think your MAP is different, think again. We all think they are different until we find out they really aren't. Also, don't think you are the only other because you may very well not be. Now off to enjoy my long weekend :-) Edited August 30, 2019 by LilKatKat 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 Wow Kat, I am so happy to read this update. Not necessarily for reinforcement that he is a loser and you so correctly did dodge a massive bullet,, but to see all the growth you’ve had. I can hear the real you coming out and that is so great. My best wishes on your continued road of peace and happiness!! Just ick ick ick!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted August 30, 2019 Author Share Posted August 30, 2019 (edited) Thank you Abetterme :-) I've come to realize that love and respect for myself was never the issue. About 20 years ago, I was in IC because of my abandonment issues and feeling like I wasn't good enough. Through the IC, I recognized that the abandonment and lack of love from my father was due to HIS failings and flaws, which had nothing to do with me. Unfortunately, the desire to change history in new male relationships was left unexplored because at that time, it wasn't happening. I now realize that although my greatest strengths have always been that I never give up and I'm a fighter, I overdo it and it becomes a weakness so that I hang in long past the shelf life of the relationship because I keep trying to make it work, like I couldn't with my father. But I also through this realized that I could and did turn my back on my father and didn't even see him on his deathbed after cutting ties with him 10 years earlier, so if I could do it there, I can do it anywhere. For the first time in my life I can say I am stress and drama free and damned it feels good! Maybe I was also addicted to the emotional intensity of drama having lived it daily my entire life but I'm not anymore. It feels good to be calm and at peace. In some ways, I don't regret the affair because it gave me the push I needed to end my marriage, something I should have done years earlier. And I did it fairly soon after the affair began. In that sense I am comfortable that I was being true to me. But I got swept up in the "love" and lost all sense of reason. That will not happen again. To all those still suffering through the end, you really do need to understand why you did this. And trust me, it has little to do with falling in love and everything to do with old hurts and wounds and brokenness. The longer you allow yourself to feel the love and avoid the reality (of who you are, what's broken and who the AP is), the longer you will suffer. You have to really want to fix yourself. And you have to force your brain to rule you heart. It really is mind over matter and it can be done. Edited August 30, 2019 by LilKatKat 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 Just after we broke up, I created a hidden profile on AM and checked it out every week or so, wondering if he will go back there. Today, guess who popped up in my search? Yup! My sweet, loving, first time cheating xMM!! Well according to him anyway. And it only took him 4 months! I so want to send anonymous screen caps to BS. I haven't done that but she deserves to now what a complete scumbag she is married to. What is AM? Ashley Madison? Is that where you met him in the first place? I think I'd be careful about sending screenshots to the betrayed wife unless you want it exposed that you were also using Ashley Madison. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted August 31, 2019 Author Share Posted August 31, 2019 (edited) Yes Ashley Madison. No I'm not really on there. As I said I created the profile 4 months ago and check my notifications in my email every week or so. Today, he was one of my matches. Too funny. I guess he got over the love of his life pretty quickly. I'm shocked ... not. It reinforces the fact that ending it was the right thing to do, if I ever had any doubt, which I don't. Why did I do it? At the time, I needed things to remind me of why I needed to break the addiction because by the time it ended, that's all it was. I knew I didn't really love him. Will I send the info to BS? Most likely not but it sure is tempting. Poor woman has no idea what she is married to but I suppose in the long haul, that's her problem, not mine. I posted the update merely to illustrate to all those still suffering through endings or still on the roller coaster thinking they may want to get off that the APs they are so in love with are not worth the angst we put ourselves through. Mine was with me 3-6 times a week, overnights, constant messaging and calls. Promises he was leaving and never wavering he intended to but one thing or another always came up to defer it. He was always loving, supportive and attentive. Never disparaging or disrespectful, not in words anyway. Initially I felt like I'd died and went to heaven, until I tired of the excuses. I now read the threads of those who suffer through walking away from their great love and wonder how do we not see the reality? It's so obvious. Why do we put lying cheaters above ourselves? It's frustrating to read some of the stories and know that in the midst of the affair (and even after) we can't see what everyone else does. I've gone about my recovery in a way that goes against conventional wisdom and advice given here but I'm ok with that because 16 weeks later, I'm over it. I'm living my life and enjoying it and that's what matters to me. I know that without FB and AM I might have been susceptible. Had he come back like he did in March I might have thought he did so because he loved me and didn't want to be without me. But there is no doubt in my mind if he ever did reach out it's because it's easier to resurrect an affair than groom a new OW. I see our last 6 weeks a whole lot differently than I would have without that added information. And my advice to those still pushing through is do what you need to do to see them for who they really are rather than the illusion you're stuck on. He's the guy that's been romancing you while going on vacations with his BS and enjoying them, despite what he says. He is nowhere near as miserable as he makes out. If he were, he wouldn't stay, especially when he has that "special connection" and "love of his life" to provide a soft landing. No, the MM is a lying, selfish cheater thinking only of himself, not his BS, his family and definitely not you. Despite his loving behaviour and words, he doesn't care enough to end your pain and stop hurting you. That isn't love. It's just an act so he continues to feed his ego and get what he wants. Collateral damage is inconsequential. Edited August 31, 2019 by LilKatKat 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddieandtae Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 I think he's making a fool.out of.himself, not his wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 ...And my advice to those still pushing through is do what you need to do to see them for who they really are rather than the illusion you're stuck on. He's the guy that's been romancing you while going on vacations with his BS and enjoying them, despite what he says. He is nowhere near as miserable as he makes out. If he were, he wouldn't stay, especially when he has that "special connection" and "love of his life" to provide a soft landing. No, the MM is a lying, selfish cheater thinking only of himself, not his BS, his family and definitely not you. Despite his loving behaviour and words, he doesn't care enough to end your pain and stop hurting you. That isn't love. It's just an act so he continues to feed his ego and get what he wants. Collateral damage is inconsequential. ^^^Repeated for truth. Too many tend to get stuck on "He loved/loves me", when the reality is so obvious to anyone not involved. The problem is really ego on the part of the OW. She NEEDS that validation. To admit it wasn't really love, is hard. She has to admit she is not his "love interest", she is just the other woman he is having sex with... the other woman he is leaning on emotionally... the other woman he is using to prop up his marriage to make it more bearable... She has to admit there is no future, she has to admit that the relationship is not "special" or "unique", she has to admit there is no real justification for messing around with some other woman's husband. With "love" involved the affair takes on a magical quality, without "love" it is just acts of deceit piled up upon more acts of deceit... She needs the "love", else who is she? What kind of woman would want to deliberately disrupt a marriage and a family? Not a very nice one surely? That's her dilemma. Is she basically a decent person passively consumed by "love" or is she just at heart a selfish person actively determined to get the MM all to herself and who cares about the consequences as long as she gets what she wants? Most "choose" the former and deny the latter to all including themselves. To let go of the "love" is thus not in her best interests. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted August 31, 2019 Author Share Posted August 31, 2019 I think he's making a fool.out of.himself, not his wife. He may be making a fool of himself but he's making a mockery of her and their marriage. He isn't committed to her in any meaningful way or he wouldn't be on AM. He has given her just enough kibble to keep her engaged and thinking she has a true husband and life partner. She has shown she wants their marriage but rather than him making an effort to nurture the union he's out trolling for another affair. If that isn't making a fool of her, I don't know what is. She may not know it but that doesn't matter. To those of you who are crediting your MMs with working on their marriage and that's why they aren't with you, take heed. It may very well be yet another lie. They're letting you go in a way that makes them appear honourable so you don't see them for what they really. In reality, you are becoming a liability wanting too much. They want their comfy cozy married life to keep up appearances and someone who will give them the fun and excitement they crave on the side. They know long term you won't give them both, that the fun and excitement fades in a primary relationship and they lose too much in the meantime. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MysteryLuvsCompany8 Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 I’m glad you are saying you are moving on however I also am wondering if you are truly over it, why are you still putting energy into it? Delete & block him on every platform to where he’d have a means of contacting you & just act like he never existed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 Gently, I think you need to stop snooping on the BS' FB and remove yourself from AM, lest you find yourself tempted to entertain another MM. It's such a seedy, disgusting underbelly of society that you really want no part of - it landed you in a world of hurt. This isn't NC in the truest sense. I know you feel "enlightened" now but I feel that all of this information is somehow allowing you to obsess about the actual state of their marriage, which honestly, you can only really speculate about. The fact that you met him on AM in the first place searching for an affair is a pretty good indicator of what he's made of and you've known this all along, regardless of what he said during your romance. I hope now that you can begin moving forward without feeling you need to see what he's up to to do so. It's all within yourself. You are so much better than all of this needless drama swirling around your head. You're four months out now - forget about them. Apart from all of that, I'm glad your story is here to serve as a cautionary tale for other people entertaining an affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted August 31, 2019 Author Share Posted August 31, 2019 Thanks for your concern but one size doesn't fit all. I posted my update precisely to serve as a cautionary tale and hopefully help others, not because I need a wake up call. Like Elaine said, we get wrapped up in the "love" and our egos prevent us from seeing or accepting reality. That's what keeps us stuck. I know what I am like and what I need to to to move forward. For me, the FB lurking (and AM) has helped to solidify what it was and who he is so I am not tempted and never will be. Not like in March when he came back in tears and with sappy love songs saying he realized I was the one he wanted to be with the rest of his life and I bought into it. Were he to do that again, I would not fall for it. If I were the one, he wouldn't be on AM, would he? He just wants his fun. That's it. I went on last year because I was desperate and lost. I didn't think it through. When I met him, we just seemed to be on the same page. He was like me, except he wasn't. Just to be clear, I don't sit there obsessively lurking FB. I have done it occasionally when I've known something was going on. As for AM, I'm not actually on trolling. I do get emails from them with so called matches which I delete. Yesterday I got a match. It was the same picture and caption. I checked out the profile and it was the exact same one he had active previously. Too lazy to even change it a bit. My life is full and busy. I do think about him but he isn't on my mind 24/7. Far from. But I am a thinker and analyser. It's why I tend to not make the same mistake over and over. It's why after 16 weeks, I can say I know what kept me in the affair the last few months when I knew I should exit. And no, never another affair or even someone with a lot of baggage. I've recently declined someone who is part of one of my social groups because despite the fact I find him engaging, his life is too complicated. But I can do that now because I am no longer vulnerable. AND THAT IS THEY KEY: I am not vulnerable. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 I don't understand why you are still on AM if you are committed to no more affairs. Isn't that what the site is for? Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 Maybe it's not "one-size-fits-all" but as you've discovered for yourself affairs follow a very predictable pattern, which is why the advice here tends to be linear. In my humble opinion putting the focus entirely on oneself during such a time is more effective in the long run. Regardless, I'm glad you're in a much better place. I've always enjoyed reading your threads. You're a great writer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 Also I say this because I have a dear friend whose husband was caught cheating. Long term affair, he was in love, the whole nine. Her parents hired a PI to catch him in the act. He broke, begged her and her family for forgiveness, they've gone to therapy, etc. Since that time he has made it his mission to repair his marriage and recommit himself to his family. I imagine it would be really hurtful for his ex-OW to watch it play out all over social media - and trust me he does a very intentional job of trying to appear remorseful on there as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddieandtae Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 He is making a mockery of committment and himself. Not his wife. Regardless it isn't your business. Your business is your self reflection, values and moral compass. Look I've been on both sides of the affair and the devastation that occurs to everyone is long lasting. It has taken me YEARS to process and heal from being an BS then a WS. Forgiving oneselve is not easy without coming up with justifications. I made extremely crappy choices and I was an extremely crappy person with no morals or values for a long time. Move forward and focus within is my two cents. ☺️ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted August 31, 2019 Author Share Posted August 31, 2019 Also I say this because I have a dear friend whose husband was caught cheating. Long term affair, he was in love, the whole nine. Her parents hired a PI to catch him in the act. He broke, begged her and her family for forgiveness, they've gone to therapy, etc. Since that time he has made it his mission to repair his marriage and recommit himself to his family. I imagine it would be really hurtful for his ex-OW to watch it play out all over social media - and trust me he does a very intentional job of trying to appear remorseful on there as well. Yes, it would be painful to watch it unfold. But the truth is, the OW is in pain often stuck in the "he loves me" head space and can't seem to move beyond that place. It isn't for everyone but for me, I need to look the truth straight on. It's what gets me unstuck and moves me past it. His popping up on AM was the final brick in the perimeter wall I've erected to guard against him. When I saw it, it didn't hurt. I actually laughed. My approach works for me. It always has. It isn't right for everyone. I've done many personality profiles and whether it's Myers Briggs, Facets 5, DISC, true colours whatever, the result is always the same. I am an uncommon profile which represents about 5% of the population. Add to that the fact that I am equally left brain and right brain dominant so I really do process things differently. As I said, I am sharing my findings in the hope that others will learn. You may be the love of their life in the moment but you aren't really. You may have an amazing connection but the foundation is weak. And he may be "working on his marriage" but likely it's just an excuse because you're too hot to handle. There are few exceptions. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 he will cheat time and again to fill the void in his life because he can and because he hasn't the balls to deal with his marriage either way. I think this is it in a nutshell. I bet he hopes he finds another you. That's not actually possible, but I bet it's what he wants. Someone sentimental with the "words of affirmation" love language or similar. He's like an emotional parasite. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted August 31, 2019 Author Share Posted August 31, 2019 I’m not sure why you think it isn’t possible Mark. While each of us are unique it seems that OW have common characteristics MM recognize and use to their advantage two key ones being neglected and vulnerable. I have no doubt he will find someone that suits him equally well, someone who will also be the love of his life he has this amazing connection with lol Link to post Share on other sites
MetallicHue Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 I wouldn’t postulate about what is going to happen to him. Put him behind you now and never look back. I’m really glad that you were able to get the closure you need. I think it’s great to hear stories about how people are moving on and there’s light at the end of the tunnel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 1, 2019 Share Posted September 1, 2019 I actually meant another YOU (more fully). Think you are correct, though. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted September 1, 2019 Share Posted September 1, 2019 It's great that you are doing so well and building a life with real prospects of meeting someone who is available and has good intentions. It might be a mistake to assume a married man is genuinely unhappy in a marriage. He might want the fun of an affair and the admiration of another woman, but grumbles about marriage do not necessarily mean he would want to give up on it. In his mind, he might have nothing 'to sort out' about his marriage. You did the right thing getting out of his fantasy world. Now you have the chance of a real love life. Link to post Share on other sites
BlindsidedTwice Posted September 1, 2019 Share Posted September 1, 2019 With "love" involved the affair takes on a magical quality, without "love" it is just acts of deceit piled up upon more acts of deceit... She needs the "love", else who is she? Elaine- I have thought about this nearly all day. Your post really resonates. During my A, I needed it to be “love” so badly to somehow justify my actions. Something about “the heart wants want it wants” or “love conquers all” or whatever other cliche romatic crap I could think of to not have to face the fact that I was just being a really bad person. Admitting that it wasn’t love means admitting it was nothing but greed, selfishness, deceit, disrespect, and choosing the wrong decision over and over again. But I did not love him and he did not love me. So now I face all those really bad person characteristics, and that I broke my life for nothing. (LKK- I am so inspired by your NC, your progress, and your perspective. Thank you for posting your story here so others can know there is hope/relief.) Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted September 1, 2019 Share Posted September 1, 2019 I think your message is powerful because only one who has walked down the road can speak convincingly to those still on it. I'm not asking you to perform an exercise in self-blame, but I do think that finding each other on AM removes a layer of naivety. What made you think a man seeking an affair could have good intentions and be relationship material in the first place? Wouldn't feeling like you've fallen in love and fantasizing about a future together be part of the perks of an affair that you were both seeking and signing up for? Though I do still think all the same lessons apply. "It just happened" versus "we found each other on AM" . . . they both involve a willingness to lie, hide, deceive, self-delude, use, etc. Any major life change or trauma will take a long time to get over. Don't be surprised if you cycle back through grief, anger, etc. Use the feelings you have today as a touchstone when that happens. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted September 1, 2019 Author Share Posted September 1, 2019 I think you hit the nail on the head heartwhole. I did meet him on AM but he certainly did everything in his power to lead me to the conclusion he was much like me - very unhappy and looking for something better in life. I had been in a deep depression for a couple of years. Truly rock bottom. I hated coming home from work. As soon as I got in my car to go home, the anxiety would hit and I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I disagree with your comment about naivity though. I was very naive. I didn't think it through, at all. I was looking for a lifeline, any lifeline and he was it. He started the whole us forever as life partners conversation and I bought into it hook line and sinker. Not having had an affair previously, I had no clue about the fantasy factor. I am over him. I am over the roller coaster and the drama. What I realized with this whole AM from yesterday is that I am not over the anger and disappointment in myself. I have not forgiven myself for believing in a lying, cheating scumbag. That's something I still have to work on. Had he truly been the person he presented the first 6 or 7 months, things might have been different. He put me first always. I was his priority. But after his birthday it started to change slowly and subtly. When we broke up end of February I was mostly OK having come to the conclusion that this was going nowhere. But he came back professing his love, I was who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, crying and listening to sappy love songs. I thought he would not have done that if he didn't mean it. But he did it because he could. All this to say, I wouldn't see that my judgement had been poor because I'm not known for bad judgement. But my judgement could not have been worse where he was concerned. So my final phase is to work on forgiving myself. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 1, 2019 Share Posted September 1, 2019 Seems to me like so many MW in affairs, you were in an unsatisfying marriage. Women in general need attention and need to feel loved. They wither and die under neglect. Bad marriages are pretty common but many women find "solutions". Some women throw themselves into their kids, into work and their career, into hobbies, into volunteering, into causes and politics, into friends , colleagues and neighbours, into pets... anything to fill the void and get some interest, love and attention into their lives. Some women also go down darker paths, depression, alcoholism and addiction... Some women have affairs... You were in a bad marriage and in a bad way, you sought a solution, it was not a good solution, but you survived. No need to beat yourself up. I think there is a tendency to minimise the harm bad marriages do to women. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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