Should I give this friend another chance or move on?

[josi334]

Hi all

I have a little bit hard time being direct and clear but here I go:

How to do proceed with a friend who keeps changing plans often and cancels last minute. I have this friend I met few years back and we are not super close but we hang out often. She lives close by me and we are similar age. I enjoy hanging with her and she is a good company. The only things that bugs me about her is that every time we make plans she often cancels and sometimes last minute, like today, or she is often late or she wants to change the original plans after we meet.

So this month was my bday and she sent me a happy bday email and asked me to hang out that she wanted to treat me for my bday. I thanked her and asked what day day and time she had in mind - she asked" how about Monday" and I said of that works for me. So Monday came and around midday I messaged her to confirm our plans and she told me" I cant today but I thought I said next Wednesday - but she had written Monday, so I said ok,no problem lets do next Wednesday then - but few days later I had to schedule a medical procedure and the only sooner day I could do was that Wednesday so I immediately wrote to her asking to for us to change the plans and explaining the real reasons. She said ok, lets do Friday (today) and I said ok, that works for me. So today came and around 1pm I messaged her asking if we were still on for today - two hours had passed and she seemed not have been off line from WhatsApp, where we usually communicate. Then I sent her an email asking the same thing - she replied few minutes later and says this: sorry we didn't confirm so I cant today, I am already busy. So I said " ok, I didn't I had to confirm, I thought we had set plans". She then replies" I am very sorry, it is my fault, I have a lot on my plate lately. Can we do next week? I have not replied to this message yet but I feel like letting her go and just say" thanks for offering but don't worry about it". I was very annoyed because I could not plan anything since it was later in the day and my few friends already had their plans and for her not cancelling on me earlier.

What would you all do?

 

I feel like I am at my wit ends with her and trying to make plans - I feel like lately every time it is like that and often she does not cancel on me or just changes last minute. I feel like she does not value my time.

[Foxhall]

Id give her another chance, at least she said she was sorry which is something.

 

thats just the way I look at things- I dont get annoyed because it was disruptive for me- I think well perhaps this person has a lot on their plate and deserves my understanding!

[josi334]

Thanks for advice.

I understand and try to be sympathetic about her having a lot on her plate but the thing is that she does it too often. There were several occasions I made plans with her and she kept changing or cancelled last minute.

To be honest, I have a lot on my plate too but when I make plans with someone, I only change if I am sick or something serious and let them know the real reason I cant make it. In her case, she just says" I cant or I am busy". I value people's time but with her I don't feel she values my time.

 

The first time yesterday she only said "sorry, I cant make. I am busy". She only said she was very sorry and offered for next week after I said that I didn't know I was suppose to confirm. We never said in our messages that "we would confirm" the plans.

[d0nnivain]

Stop making one on one plans with her. Only do group things so if she bails you have options.

[preraph]

I would just quit making plans with her. I'd tell her why. I'd say, I'm going to have to stop making plans with you because you're not dependable and it messes up MY schedule. If you can ever get it together to do something on time, feel free to ask.

 

There are people who can't do anything except impulsively last minute. I end up stopping making plans with them eventually. It's not worth it. And there are people who can't commit to something even a day ahead and just put you on hold and I've stopped agreeing to that as well. These are people who are only thinking of themselves and aren't going to be a great friend in any capacity going forward anyway.

[josi334]

d0nnivain:

Including her on my plans with my other friends is not possible since she told me that has anxiety with groups and she has declined some other times I ask her to do something with my friends and I.

 

Preraph,

Thanks your suggestion was very useful.

I am thinking in saying something like this: "Thanks for offering and I am not sorry to hear you have a lot to deal with but at this time I made the decision to stop making plans with you because of the of lack of reliability and consistency from your part to keep the plans which many times messes up with my time leaves me feeling my time is not being valued. When you can get it together to do something on time, feel free to ask me"

[Mr. Lucky]

So she can’t be part of a group of friends and she won’t honor her commitments one-on-one?

 

And you want to keep her as a friend because....?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mysterio]

She sounds like an aquaintance. You get her on the phone. Make plans for a Weekend get together. 2 weeks from now. If she bails. Don't talk to her or make plans with her.

 

Just be chill and go about your life.

[spiderowl]

This is happening because you are putting up with it. Instead of telling her, 'I won't make plans with you any more because you keep changing them at the last minute', you are just letting her run circles round you.

 

Yes, you risk losing her as a friend, but what kind of friend messes you about like this anyway? If you don't draw a line under this behaviour, she will carry on with it. She is more likely to respect you for calling her out on it than not.

[preraph]

Preraph,

Thanks your suggestion was very useful.

I am thinking in saying something like this: "Thanks for offering and I am not sorry to hear you have a lot to deal with but at this time I made the decision to stop making plans with you because of the of lack of reliability and consistency from your part to keep the plans which many times messes up with my time leaves me feeling my time is not being valued. When you can get it together to do something on time, feel free to ask me"

 

That's perfectly reasonable. I'm sure it's not the first time she's heard something similar.

[preraph]

This is happening because you are putting up with it. Instead of telling her, 'I won't make plans with you any more because you keep changing them at the last minute', you are just letting her run circles round you.

 

Yes, you risk losing her as a friend, but what kind of friend messes you about like this anyway? If you don't draw a line under this behaviour, she will carry on with it. She is more likely to respect you for calling her out on it than not.

 

I will say just from my own personal experience you can reason with them, but it won't change them. Eventually, they get back to who they are and attract people who are loser enough to put up with them. And that's the truth.

[The Outlaw]

I'd just cut my ties and move on. If she were really a friend, she'd find the time to make to spend with you instead of canceling at the last minute each and every time.