Confusion of identity stopping me from having romantic relationships

[Gagis]

So I don't know if I'll get any good advice here.

 

This issue used to go to the heart of my psychosis when one of my biggest issues was being a virgin into my early thirties.

 

I still think there is some truck in it, although these days I simply try to ignore it so that it becomes a non-issue, which I think is the best policy.

 

The therapist I went to see said it stood to reason that if you didn't have a clear sense of who you are you couldn't form a romantic relationship because you needed to also have a clear sense of what the other person saw in you.

 

Basically I'm half-Cypriot, half-Scottish. There must be fewer than a hundred people in the world with my particular ethnic mix.

 

I don't think many Americans are aware of the whole Cypriot identity thing, or at least not as much as Brits.

 

Cyprus is a Middle-Eastern country that has only just recently formally aligned itself politically with Europe by joining the European Union.

 

Before that it was aligned with the NAM third world block, to which it still has observer status.

 

Before that it was a British colony and its inhabitants weren't considered to be "White" by the colonial masters.

 

Indeed, if you hold any stock by genetics, Cypriots are closer to Arabs than mainland Greeks.

 

Cyprus is still a member of the Afro-Asian Peoples' Liberation Organisation.

 

There independence leader, Archbishop Makarios, was known by many as the Fidel Castro of the East, and they have strong ties with Russia, both through the Orthodox Church and by virtue of their largest or second largest political party being the Communist Party.

 

Before Britain, they were under the Ottomans, and of course Turkey still illegally occupies just over a third of the island.

 

The race war in Cyprus which led to that, and which was stoked by the big powers of the globe only adds to the confusion.

 

Besides Britain and the Ottomans, Cyprus has been under the control of the Venetians, French and Egyptians to name but a few.

 

So all this is what I have learned about the Cyprus identity which is very close nit.

 

The trouble is, I never grew up amongst Cypriots much other than my father, so I don't really fit into the stereotype mold, from non-Cypriot women's perceptions, or the community mold from Cypriot women's perceptions.

 

I am really very English apart from my looks, and isolated knowledge of my roots.

 

Cypriots remain just on the boundary of "Whites", like Arabs, or Latinos, indeed I have heard them referred to as the Latinos of Europe.

 

For the most part they firmly believe in being European now, having failed to achieve prosperity when aligned with the third world block, and try to keep Turkey as Asian, despite their being little geographical difference.

 

As I said, all of this is intellectual knowledge that I have about my roots. I'm writing it to show how confused I am. I haven't even touched on my Scottish roots.

 

Being a minority should be an advantage in some circumstances, though obviously it is a disadvantage in others.

 

The problem is I am basically British with a lot of baggage about my roots that makes me uncertain of where to place myself, and I don't look "English", or "Scottish" for that matter.

 

Nobody wants to hear a long speel about how I am different, but I'm not really Cypriot despite my appearance.

 

In the past I have really blamed this for my lack of romantic encounters, because if I can't place myself, then women certainly can't.

 

Other than being more comfortable with myself there really isn't much I can do, but it's not easy to separate completely from ones genes.

 

Ignoring the cultural differences is easy, ignoring the expectations which go with my appearance is far harder.

 

There is definitely a Cypriot stereotype in Britain, indeed comedians have been known to ape it in various ways, and Cypriots are by and large a very close nit community, which I have never been part of.

 

So this is just a general moan, Cypriots are different to other groups in so many ways, but I am different from most Cypriots.

 

As I said, I am confused, and it doesn't help with finding a lover.

 

The strange thing is my brother has never seen this as a difficulty, but he has carved an identity for himself as a political activist by joining various groups, and most of his girlfriends have come from that circle.

 

This is not something I have been able to do, despite sharing similar politics, probably because my breakdown occurred around the time I would be expected to join such groups.

 

Anyway, moan over.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

Thinking about what I have just written it occurs to me that the way I relate to my Cypriotness is through politics.

 

Again this doesn't help with romance, meeting positive expectations, etc.

 

"Never discuss politics or religion on a date" I believe is the saying.

[alphamale]

could you summarize your main post and question?

[Gagis]

@Alphamale

 

Basically, I am perceived to be from a particular ethnic group but the only way I relate to that group is politically, how do I proceed?

[5x5]

"how do I proceed?"

 

Preferably by deciding to stop worrying about it.

[Gagis]

@5x5

 

That I have done, but there is an element of what you see is what you get that I need to work on, it's no good saying don't judge a book by its cover, the cover is part of the book and whilst it might not be the best part, it is the first part you see. In my case it may even be the other way around

[somanymistakes]

There is definitely a Cypriot stereotype in Britain, indeed comedians have been known to ape it in various ways, and Cypriots are by and large a very close nit community, which I have never been part of.

 

I have never heard of a Cypriot stereotype and have literally no idea what a Cypriot looks like, despite spending years in the UK.

 

I assume they look a little bit Mediterranean? Kind of Greek? (I'm pretty sure there's far more Greek/Italian stereotype)

 

Wracking my brain here and the most I can think of as a Cypriot "stereotype" is that they're fighting over whether they should be more aligned with Greece or Turkey. That's it.

 

Now, I totally believe you that some people have strong opinions and stereotypes about Cyprus and will tell you all about them as soon as they get the chance. But unless you're hanging around with a crowd of people who are already involved in that sort of politics, or you have a really strongly suggestive name that makes everyone immediately ask "Where is your family from?", I can't really see why most people would ever make the connection or care.

 

Knowing "where you came from" is sometimes overrated. It doesn't really matter whether my great-great-grandfather was from Germany or France if I've never been to either country, does it? I could decide that I care a lot about that. I could do a bunch of research and find out what side of every war my ancestors were on, and feel all guilty or patriotic about it depending on whether I approve or not. But I don't think I should have to. It doesn't have anything to do with my personal life. Nobody I go on a date with is going to ask me about it.

 

YOU get to determine how much it matters TO YOU. If it doesn't matter, then why bring it up?

[Gagis]

@somanymistakes

 

Good point. On the other hand, I get asked where I'm from all the time, and not just where I'm from, but where I'm really from.

 

Since it seems to me that Cypriots don't even know the answer to that, how am I supposed to know without making something up.

 

In fact as far as I can see my name comes from what is now a region of Turkey inhabited by a specific Turkish ethnic group with its own language, and most likely my ancestor was taken at birth as a child to be made into an imperial soldier, before rebelling and becoming Cypriot Greek. I always thought it was a great story, but I never got any positive responses

 

But otherwise, good point, as you say, I get to decide what matters to me.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

It is interesting, I remember the first time I asked out an African girl and her White friend who saw us together told me how dark I looked.

 

That was around the time I started to get paranoid about hidden meanings.

 

I guess perhaps I was just too sensitive to her choice of innuendo, or maybe I am actually dark.

 

I know if she had said great tan I would have been equally offended.

 

Maybe more so.

 

The point is I can't even place myself.

 

By the way somanymistakes, where are you from?

Edited August 31, 2019 by Gagis

[preraph]

To begin with, the answer should just be "I grew up here," if that is the case. I'm wondering if your brother's politics aren't one influence on you that is making you feel separatist.

 

Don't separate yourself. If you came from there, own it. If you grew up here (where you are), I hardly see why you'd want to act like you're from there.

 

I grew up in Oklahoma where there are many Native Americans because they were relocated to there through not choice of their own, but my whole identity was never being Native American. I grew up with the same advantages as everyone else and the people on the Air Force base and surrounding community. Was a browner than a lot of people (especially in the summer being an outdoor child who got very tanned)? Yes, but I was just fine with that. No one really ever slung mud at me for being part Native American because I wasn't vulnerable to that since I was proud enough to have it in me.

 

I have a friend who is half Syrian and she looks it. But she's never even been to Syria. She's as American as apple pie. Her last name is Haddad, which honestly, I'd have changed it if I had been her because she had fears of it holding her back especially for job interviews. And maybe it did at times, but we've all got something holding us back, ways we trip ourselves up.

 

I had a best friend who was 100% Hispanic. She grew up in a border town in the US. She didn't want that life, and she followed a dream career and succeeded in it, but her family were traditional and also greedy, and they disowned her for it. Her low-life brother would show up from time to time to try to guilt her into giving him money as if she owed it to the family since she didn't stay there and support them all and pop out babies like she was expected to. She was a little bitty beautiful woman and she was very brave to stick to the choices she made and live for herself.

 

All these things can be overcome. We all pay a price for some of our choices, but if you stay true to yourself and do what YOU want to do and follow your own path and not let people talk you off it, you won't have regrets and you'll form your own identity.

 

I wouldn't say staying focused on your heredity is a good thing for you. It isn't relevant to most people out there and doesn't sound all the relevant to you. It's nice to know where you came from, but that doesn't have to determine your fate. Someone asks you where you're from, say "Here."

[alphamale]

@Alphamale

 

Basically, I am perceived to be from a particular ethnic group but the only way I relate to that group is politically, how do I proceed?

 

proceed regarding what??

[Rayce]

Cypriot...wow that is fascinating! A new term to me. Have you ever considered doing a DNA test through ancestry.com and looking into your family history?

[Gagis]

It is interesting, I don't think DNA is a valid theory for the phenotypes of Cypriots, indeed I've often wondered if just as chickens kept in the dark give birth to chicks that get blinded by sunlight, Cypriots change their DNA by some process of miraculous non-linear conception. It's just a theory, after all.

[Gagis]

I am being serious, faith in DNA tests can give comfort, but as they say, there are lies, damn lies and statistics.

[schlumpy]

It is interesting, I don't think DNA is a valid theory for the phenotypes of Cypriots, indeed I've often wondered if just as chickens kept in the dark give birth to chicks that get blinded by sunlight, Cypriots change their DNA by some process of miraculous non-linear conception. It's just a theory, after all.

 

Non-linear for sure but not miraculous. The people of Cyprus have been genetically modified for hundreds of years every time a new occupation arrived to inject foreign genes into the local populous. It's a common practice in world history then and is still is going on today.

 

I won't pretend I understand your interest in your heritage. I've never bothered to find out when my ancestors go off the boat here in America. I don't see anything harmful about it except that it's going to narrow down your list of friends.

[Foxhall]

You can surely play this to your advantage,

 

it is good to be different, why would you prefer to be like everyone else,

 

you can spiel on about Cypriot history and the ladies will be lapping it up,

 

this will give you an edge on most of your compatriots:cool:

[Mr. Lucky]

The point is I can't even place myself.

 

Your whole position regarding heritage simply comes off as an excuse.

 

If something’s held you back in life, it hasn’t been racially mixed genetics.

 

Do you still see your therapist?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gagis]

Thank you Mr Lucky,

 

It is not my heritage that has held me back it is the way I relate to it or have related to it in the past.

 

There is no reason why I shouldn't have lost my virginity much earlier than I did, or had lots of girlfriends, or the like, it is all a state of mind.

 

As I said in my journal, ultimately you are on your own and manifest your own reality.

 

The therapist I saw said that given my condition I would need to see him weekly which I couldn't afford. I think this was out of genuine concern that any therapy he gave me would be appropriate.

 

He said he could see me monthly, but not deal with my psychosis, only relationship issues.

 

I can afford that and may still take him up on the offer, especially as I have been doing so well sanity wise, barring yesterday.

 

My father always tells me not to define myself by my heritage, and I think he is right.

 

However, as the therapist said, you need to have a sense of who you are in order to know what your romantic partner sees in you.

 

We are all unique, it doesn't matter if I don't match a particular stereotype, indeed it could even be refreshing.

 

We also all have our individual challenges in life, and to some extent I agree that my feeling persecuted by racism is an excuse.

 

The last president of Cyprus made a comment "we allow these things to happen to us", referring to imperialism and the like.

 

However, my point remains, how should I view myself in line with my heritage, to get the best out of life? How should I craft my identity?

 

I think the biggest issue is stepping away from my mother and father and growing up.

 

Thank you.

[schlumpy]

However, my point remains, how should I view myself in line with my heritage, to get the best out of life? How should I craft my identity?

 

First you should learn the history of your ancestry down to every intimate detail. Then you should attempt to extract the best of that society and integrate it into your daily life.

 

If you can interweave Cypriot values into the values of England, that would be good, but you must abandon English values in favor of your genetically determined historical values so as to create your core identity.

 

I suggest you don't do this. I recommend you adopt the values you are familiar with and will give the best chance at success in the society you are living in and those are the values of the UK.

[Mr. Lucky]

However, as the therapist said, you need to have a sense of who you are in order to know what your romantic partner sees in you.

 

I would guess this refers to your personality, intellect and emotional make-up, not your genetic composition.

 

Had you grown up immersed in Cypriot culture, then those values would help define you. But otherwise counting on genes to offer your direction seems an iffy proposition at best.

 

YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SolG]

Hi OP

 

I have a mixed heritage as well. My adoptive heritage is grandparents from four different continents, and my biological heritage is grandparents from three.

 

I personally find it glorious to have so many roots to draw on. All of them mean something to me. I don't identify with any of them exclusively, but with the total exotic tapestry they make in totality. I am not of one race - I am many. That's me!

 

I don't know why you feel you must limit yourself to Cypriot or Scottish. Why not revel in both parts of your heritage? They are equally valid components of your identity, why not embrace them both?

[lana-banana]

The phrase "Scottish Cypriot" has 19,500,000 Google search results. Your ancestry isn't that unique at all, but frankly it's not the point here. Your insistence that your ancestry has anything whatsoever to do with your (in)ability to form relationships is the problem. As Mr. Lucky has said, you're fixated on genes as an explanation because actual introspection doesn't seem to be working. You need to keep seeing a therapist and I strongly encourage you to drop any mention of your ancestry whatsoever. When you think about it, force yourself to think about something else. It's not a useful or valuable path for you.

[Gagis]

@SolG,

 

It is not the fact that I have multiple heritage that is the problem per se,

 

Everyone has multiple heritage,

 

It is an interesting fact that there is no such thing as a dominant gene, this is an antiquated idea stemming from a lack of full understanding of Mendel's initial experiment on peas.

 

Light colouration is the absence of pigment, thus dark colouration doesn't dominate, it simply adds something to the absence that is provided by the other.

 

All genes do their thing in equal measures.

 

But this isn't about how I look so much as how I relate to how I look, labelling it in a specific way.

 

As you say, you don't need to label it in any way other than to say that you have mixed heritage.

 

This is definitely the way forward, however in so far as I do relate to the label of Cypriotness, there are problems.

 

I went on a date with a Spanish lady the other day, and said that I was really very English, to which she replied, "but you don't look English".

 

I guess it was my fault for bringing up a label, in this case "English".

 

Anyway, a lot of people who haven't really heard of Cyprus simply make the association with being "Greek", which is ok, but doesn't chime with my politics.

 

Cyprus is a post-colonial country that has been illegally occupied by Turkey for the past forty five years. Most of my family on my father's side are refugees from this occupation or left under British colonialism.

 

Greece has a different history.

 

I went on one date where I tried to explain my difficulties with relating to being Cypriot, after being asked about it, and the girl said that I wasn't like most Cypriots who she thought of as course and vulgar.

 

The majority of Cypriots lived a peasant lifestyle until recently, subsistence farming and with little education. My father's family home was built of mud bricks.

 

This is clearly not me.

 

Cyprus has definitely evolved, and Cypriot youth are also much further removed from life even a decade ago, but I didn't grow up in Cyprus or visit there much. Most British-Cypriots on the other hand do keep strong ties with Cyprus, and though they are markedly different from those who grew up on the island, their relationship is more connected to the current climate.

 

My point is that there are traumas in my heritage that go back only one generation.

 

My only point of reference to these is my father, but my own life has been radically different, growing up relatively comfortably in the UK.

 

Added to this that my father himself is quite an unusual Cypriot, being a child prodigy who really stepped out of many of the confines of the past by his own doing, and my way of relating to the label I attach to my appearance becomes even more confused.

 

I think the key issue here is how I relate to my father and the traumas he experienced.

 

My father's experience doesn't really prepare me for my reality but for a radically different reality.

 

My mother's experience on the other hand prepares me for my reality much better, but it doesn't fit with what I look like.

 

Why does it matter, as I said, I think I just need to become my own man, and forget the traumas of the past. But as I said, these traumas are only one generation old, and in fact as far as the occupation goes, still on-going.

 

Technically I have refugee status in Cyprus myself, which I inherit from my father, should I choose to sign certain documents.

 

So to sum up, my heritage comes with life challenges that are difficult to negotiate and quite extreme, just like someone coming from a warzone, or out of apartheid and further back slavery.

 

Thus it is not simply a question of having mixed heritage, it is a question of how history affects the present as well.

 

Thank you.

[schlumpy]

I thought you stated you wanted to form your identity? How are you doing this by adopting political dogma? (Turkish Occupation, Refugee status, just like coming from slavery) It will just a make slave or useful idiot of you. No thinking person shouts slogans about past wrongs that they never experienced except in some fantasy world in their own mind.

 

It's possible that if I were to trace my ancestry I would discover many unsavory relatives that were involved horrible acts against society.

 

How does their decisions, actions or experiences affect the choices I make now? There is no such things as sins of the father. Western societies no longer try to collect debt from relatives after the debtor has died.

 

You get to make your own choices and it looks like to me that you have chosen to allow others to set the tenets of your life.

 

Read Rene Descartes First Meditations on Philosophy. He was responsible for the famous quote, " I think, therefore I am." He also puts together a rational and intellectual approach to the existence of God.

 

Free your mind.

[chillii]

Funny , but mud brick is very trendy here , not that many around this is mainly out on bush blocks and stuff but very popular and can be absolutely beautiful homes. l realize you'll be talking about a different type of place but just sayin.

 

 

As far as identity and women , when you meet can you just say your such and such heritage but grew up there , that's all l'd say unless she wanted to know more.