Confusion of identity stopping me from having romantic relationships

[Gagis]

@lana-banana,

 

sorry didn't see your post, you're right a Google search of the words Scottish and Cypriot has about 22,000,000 results when I searched for it, even more than your search, but a search for the exact phrase "Scottish Cypriot" yields only about 300 results.

 

That's not really the point though, and I do accept that it is my fixation on this that is the problem.

 

Thank you.

[Sunlight72]

Basically, I am perceived to be from a particular ethnic group but the only way I relate to that group is politically, how do I proceed?

Well, the genders are reversed, but I am an American - grew up white in a white town in a white state. My ex-fiancée is Armenian by old heritage, grew up in Uzbekistan, which was part of the Soviet Union for her first 6 years, immigrated with her family to the middle of the US when she was 10 to a large American city that has a sizeable Russian immigrant community where she made her closest friends. So - depending on who asks and what day it is, she is Uzbek, Armenian, Russian, or American. She literally keeps copies of the US Constitution near her front door to hand out when a new person comes to her house for the first time, and speaks English better than most Americans I've met, and has worked in the Library of Congress and several US congress people's offices. So unless she chose to mention her overseas history, no one would guess.

 

I found her history (as complex and unclear as it is) to be terribly attractive.

 

On our first date she went on at some length about the Armenian genocide, and as I was interested to learn more about it she asked if I'd like to go visit the memorial to the genocide, which I did, so we went. At other times, she would show me videos of the American pop music she liked in middle school, and we would sing the songs together.

 

She is proud of who she is, even though different parts of her history contribute more or contribute less to her life choices & personality.

 

I would encourage you to be proud of who you are - there are women who will be charmed that you are not 'just one more pasty Scotsman'. You are actually exotic, with a very interesting genealogy and ancestral history as a part of your personal story. You are also a unique person who is not defined by your genetic ties to other Cypriots. You are also Scottish.

 

If you know who you are today, be that. If you feel you are a bit different mix of history and personal choice tomorrow, be that. It makes you intriguing

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

Edited September 4, 2019 by Sunlight72

[Mr. Lucky]

Thus it is not simply a question of having mixed heritage, it is a question of how history affects the present as well.

 

Thank you.

 

Gagis, I have a friend who accepted a transfer to New York a couple years ago and has become a huge Yankee’s fan. Talking to him, you’d think he played catch with Babe Ruth, taught Mantle to hit and Jeter to field ground balls. Obviously, he was around for none of this.

 

You remind me a little of him, trying on an identity you seem somewhat distanced from. The obvious question is why?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gagis]

@Mr. Lucky

 

I think there are two issues, one is trying to be something I'm not and the other is not being who I am. This is why I phrased it as a confusion.

 

In fact I no longer believe this is the main thing stopping me from having romantic relationships. I used to for many years, when in fact it was my psychosis that was preventing me, but I used to blame my psychosis on this confusion.

 

Nowadays I pretty much ignore the issue. I don't know why I raised it again.

 

I think there is still an issue for me of wanting to be "something", something that other people, particularly women, can find attractive.

 

My recent forays into dating has reminded me that my appearance is of a minority.

 

I also noticed that the few Cypriot girls I saw on the dating website, classified themselves as "other" under ethnicity, as I do, and this got me thinking of "otherness" again.

 

There is the question of not being "White" enough, not being "Black" enough or "Asian" enough, or anything else. Cyprus has a tiny population, but quite a big footprint in the UK.

 

I am Cypriot, I can't get away from that, but I am not typical, and the way I relate to Cyprus is dysfunctional.

 

I think that if I was like a typical Cypriot then I would be at ease, but then I wouldn't be who I am.

 

Trying to position myself ethnically is not really a good way to proceed in terms of seeking a romantic relationship, as I think you said, it is somewhat "iffy".

 

I wouldn't want someone to go out with me for the sole reason of my ethnicity.

 

On the other hand, it is the first thing women see, and I have always wanted women to make the first move.

 

In fact I think this is the real issue that is stopping me from forming romantic relationships, wanting women to approach me rather than the other way around.

 

But to approach women confidently, you need to be confident in who you are, I think.

 

And that is why I returned to this issue.

 

I think my primary aim should be to get into a position where I am no longer defined as paranoid schizophrenic, to develop some sort of life that doesn't revolve around this.

 

For a long time I tried to define myself as a mathematician which is the career I pursued academically, but I was never successful at it career wise, largely due to my mental health condition.

 

I was obsessed with paradoxes in mathematics, which led my PhD supervisor to say I should be doing philosophy instead.

 

Anyway, I am staying sane, the other day was the worst in almost six months, and I managed to avoid relapsing fully.

 

In summary, I think the issue of how you look does affect how women relate to you, that is obvious, but the real issue for me is how to make moves that are attractive, rather than allowing myself to be judged.

 

Thank you.

[spiderowl]

As far as I am concerned, you are a person who has feelings and needs like the rest of us. I think you are focusing too much on your hereditary. Can you not feel proud that you have such an interesting background? I don't see why this should go against you in any way.

 

What are your interests? These are what often unite people and make them feel part of a family. Follow your interests. What kind of personality do you have? There is no definitive 'personality' of course, but I am sure you can think about this and decide whether you are an extrovert/introvert/somewhere in between?

 

What good qualities do you feel you have? They are what will draw women to you. Are you thoughtful, romantic, intelligent? Those kinds of things matter to women. Are you generous, protective, passionate?

 

These are all things that are separate from race, ancestry, nationality, but I feel are more important.

 

If you are having problems forging relationships with women, I am pretty sure it has nothing to do with your nationality or mixed background. It might have something to do with your focus on that. What about focusing on your potential girlfriend? Ask her what is important to her, what she wants to do with her life, etc.

 

I suppose underlying this, you seem to feel there is something wrong with you because you have mixed ancestry. We all have mixed ancestry in the past. It happened because people travelled or invaded other countries. It is something that happens as a result of trade, need for new sources of food, adventurism (including invasion) and many things that are out of the control of most of us. There is no point focusing on that. Look at the unique talents you have, your uniqueness generally and be proud of it.