We started living together but are very different.

[miss2017]

Me and my boyfriend have been together nearly a year and decided to start living together. But I'm finding out we are fundamentally different. I need lots of alone time to be with myself and recharge, and he doesn't. He thrives on always being together. This have been bringing some issues between us.

 

For example, the other day I woke up earlier than usual, and went downstairs to have some coffee and quiet time before he wakes up, because he usually wakes up later. So he woke up too and followed me downstairs, and sat next to me in the living room looking at me and expecting attention, when he could clearly see I was reading a book with my coffee. I was honest and told him I didn't want to wake him up and just wanted to come downstairs for some quiet me time.

 

He felt rejected and hurt and went back upstairs. This type of thing has been happening often. For example, we spent lots of time together on holidays and I was eager to have some alone time during the day when he goes back to work and he wanted to work from home to be with me. Again, I was honest in telling him I need my alone time to recharge.

 

Very often this alone time I need is just a couple of hours by myself and I'll be fine. I just can't be together 24/7 and I told him that many times. It's like we have two different natures, I need my alone time as a self-care thing, and he wants to be together all the time because that's his nature. Then he feels rejected when I am honest and I don't want to feel bad about myself for being honest. I think he should understand.

 

For example, why does he need to follow me to the kitchen so early in the morning when he usually stays in bed until later? And seeing I'm reading a book and standing there waiting for attention? It's annoying having to explain the same over and over again. It's like he's only concerned about his needs. If we're going to have the whole day together, is it so hard to understand I want some quiet time for me so early in the morning? Since he'll already gonna have the rest of the day with me?

 

I don't understand the feeling hurt and feeling rejected for this when we'll be together for the rest of the day?? I'm questioning this whole living together thing and our relationship. Because I don't want to feel bad for being honest about who I am and having to explain myself all the time.

 

Any advice? Thank you.

Edited September 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PegNosePete]

My advice would be to explain to him everything you have written here. Otherwise this will get worse and worse, and eventually explode.

 

Maybe you can both find a way to compromise, or maybe you are just too different to have a full time relationship. Dating, and especially living together, is a test run for spending a life together, and it sounds like your test is showing that you're simply not compatible.

[miss2017]

@PegNosePete...

 

 

That's the thing, I have already explained to him everything I have written here. Also emphasised that is nothing about him, is just the way I am, always have been and will always be. It just seems he doesn't understand it because his nature is different. I think it's pretty obvious if I am downstairs having a coffee and reading a book, that I want to do that.

 

Instead of acknowledging that and respect my space, he just sits next to me waiting for attention and gets resentful when I say out loud what I am doing and want. It's like he expects me to ignore my needs in order to accommodate his needs of attention. I just think he is being selfish. I think we are very different, but that doesn't have to be a problem per se.

 

If he knows we're going to be together all day, why can't he just back off and let me have my coffee and read my book without sitting there like a dog waiting for attention? THAT is what the problem is to me. I am already taking time of my life to be with him, he needs to understand I need my alone time too. And it seems that when I tell him what I want out loud, instead of understanding he just feels hurt and resentful.

 

I have no patience for this.

Edited September 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PegNosePete]

I think we are very different, but that doesn't have to be a problem per se.

No, it doesn't have to be a problem, if you're both willing to compromise.

 

I would suggest you talk to him and let him know how much this means to you and that the future of your relationship is at stake here. And if he still won't budge, then as you say, you're just too different.

 

Hope you didn't sign a long lease together.

[chillii]

Oh yes it does .

A non space person rarely understands a spacey person, she's explained already till she's blue in the face. You end up having to practically map out for them times and reasons and literally make arrangements and justify it every 5mins. And they still won't understand it and without that they have no idea why they're doing it so as soon as you stop they're in your face again..

But the spacey person can't function like that , we not only need it at certain times , like the morning but we also just need it when we need it too.

My ex w had no idea how to give me space or why l needed it, must've went over it 100s of times in 19yrs

 

My gf now was a lot like your bf to start thought we were doomed drove me crazy and she just couldn't understand.

Luckily though she just fell into her own spacey needs later on , took about 6mths , so we're actually very good with it these days and either can disappear for hours on end no prob. She also picked up how to read me very fast too, no ones ever understood that before, and now that she just gets it and wonders off and does something else, knows l'll be fine later.

She's also worked out l don't mind a visit too which is pretty cool, so she'll blow in give me a kiss then just go back to her thing.

 

Anyway , all l can say is good luck op , and if ya really lucky maybe he'll settle down later on and also learn how to read you too, it's rare but l can say these days now it is possible though.

Edited September 2, 2019 by chillii

[elaine567]

As you said it is his nature and in order to accommodate you he will have to go against his nature and I guess that is not a good thing long term.

In the same way if you decided to forget the 2 hour book reading/recharging to accommodate him. No big deal surely?

But it is important to you.

He does not want to feel neglected, hurt and left out by you any more than you want to forego your "space".

 

Some people can compromise and work it out, but at what expense?

He feels obliged to leave you alone and you take all the space you need and he feels growing resentment...

or you forgo your space, he is happy and you feel growing resentment...

 

You seem to want to dictate that he leaves you alone, but he doesn't want to do that and that is the fundamental disconnect here.

It is not that he doesn't understand, it is just that he doesn't agree.

You are spoiling the closeness, the intimacy for him and he wants you to realise that, he doesn't want to bend to accept your position.

 

Question: Morning sex, does it happen or are you usually away reading a book?

[chillii]

Can't agree l don't think he understands it at all, l recognize it been there that many times.

And l dunno about op , but l can't forgo space when l need it, now and then maybe but no way can l make a habit of it it'll come back to bite me.

And yeah it can certainly build resentment from both very very big time.

Gf and l have this uncanny likeness in many many ways though and through that she's the only one that's ever just naturally understood in time, and read it and thus use it and learnt to enjoy it herself, plus that she is highly intelligent.

Edited September 2, 2019 by chillii

[schlumpy]

You and I are kindred spirits. I also need alone time and my wife is the type of person that values togetherness. She's told me over and over that she doesn't like it that I resist letting her fuss over me. It's something she needs to do.

 

We compromise. I get my alone time and she gets special attention at some other point during the day. At night, when she wants to fuss over whether I'm under a blanket or not - I just let it be.

 

It's actually a very good thing that you will value more as you grow older. It's how your SO shows his appreciation and love for you. No wonder that your intransience causes feelings of rejection.

 

So compromise. You get your two hours in the morning and he gets his two hours in the afternoon and whatever else during the day.

 

If you put some effort into it he should be able to get by his feelings of rejection.

 

Living together is a lot tougher then just dating.

[miss2017]

Can't agree l don't think he understands it at all, l recognize it been there that many times.

And l dunno about op , but l can't forgo space when l need it, now and then maybe but no way can l make a habit of it it'll come back to bite me.

And yeah it can certainly build resentment from both very very big time.

Gf and l have this uncanny likeness in many many ways though and through that she's the only one that's ever just naturally understood in time, and read it and thus use it and learnt to enjoy it herself, plus that she is highly intelligent.

 

This has been going on for quite some time, but to me yesterday was enough. I have been unwell with a bacterial infection and taking antibiotics, and yesterday I was really unwell and not my normal self, so I wasn't giving him the 'usual" romantic attention he likes. He asked how I was feeling and I said I feel exhausted. Because I did and drained too.

 

So he basically started withdrawing and changing and I could see he was hurt and resentful. It was only when I went to bed to have a 2h nap after lunch that he GOT IT that I was really tired. He said he was worried about me and that I changed my behaviour because he did something wrong. I told him he wasn't worried about me, he was worried about himself. I also told him that not everything is about him, and that if I say I am exhausted, he has to believe me and still support me without all the usual romantic enchilada and not feel resentful.

 

I mean, I was unwell! I got to a point where I'm so fed up of him and this dynamic I just want him to go away!

Edited September 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[miss2017]

So compromise. You get your two hours in the morning and he gets his two hours in the afternoon and whatever else during the day. If you put some effort into it he should be able to get by his feelings of rejection. Living together is a lot tougher then just dating.

 

I get that. The difference between us is that if I have my 2h of alone time during the day is enough and I am fine, but he needs wayyyyy more than just 2h of attention during the day. Basically he wants it ALL the time. For example if I sit down doing something on my laptop, he just sits there looking at me and waiting like a dog, which interferes with what I am doing and is annoying.

 

Then has to be always kissing and touching and etc all the time. I can't do this.

Edited September 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[miss2017]

He does not want to feel neglected, hurt and left out by you any more than you want to forego your "space". Some people can compromise and work it out, but at what expense? He feels obliged to leave you alone and you take all the space you need and he feels growing resentment...

Question: Morning sex, does it happen or are you usually away reading a book?

 

You are completely right. The way he gets hurt and resentful is in a way like I am being wrong and a bad person and spoiling the intimacy FOR HIM. For me, intimacy is not just about being together all the time, giving attention to the other all the time and kissing and touching all the time, is also understanding how the other is.

 

So basically if I play along with his idea of intimacy and give him attention all the time, all is well and he is thriving. If I put my boundaries and want to be alone, he gets hurt and resentful. It's DRAINING!

 

It's like in order for him to be happy I get exhausted, in order for me to be happy, he gets hurt and resentful. Not healthy at all! And he does things like taking the day off from work to be with me without even asking me first if it's ok to do so. It's like all he cares is his needs.

 

I get to a point I just want him far far away.

Edited September 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[miss2017]

A non space person rarely understands a spacey person, she's explained already till she's blue in the face. You end up having to practically map out for them times and reasons and literally make arrangements and justify it every 5mins. And they still won't understand it and without that they have no idea why they're doing it so as soon as you stop they're in your face again..

But the spacey person can't function like that , we not only need it at certain times , like the morning but we also just need it when we need it too...

 

I don't explain it anymore. All the explanations I have done and refuse to explain myself anymore and waste my energy like that. I'm getting to a point where I realise that the reason why he doesn't understand is not because he is stupid, but because he just doesn't really care.

 

He says he cares to make me happy and for me to believe it, but then he just shows over and over again that he really doesn't. It's like he wants to feed on my energy all the time, which lets me drained. And I'm FED UP of his hurt and resentfulness when I am honest and say out loud I need alone time. I am the way I am and will not apologise or feel bad for it.

Edited September 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Google articles like this one. Maybe if he hears it from a "source" other than you he won't feel so hurt. (I'm exactly like you, by the way. I totally get it).

 

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-love-an-introvert_n_58ade64de4b0d0a6ef476aa3

[miss2017]

Google articles like this one. Maybe if he hears it from a "source" other than you he won't feel so hurt. (I'm exactly like you, by the way. I totally get it).

 

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-love-an-introvert_n_58ade64de4b0d0a6ef476aa3

 

Thank you. Maybe I need a partner who just gets it too. Life is too short and our energy is too precious to explain ourselves over and over to someone who does not understand you (or wants too).

 

He doesn't seem to want to understand I need alone time, he just wants me to be a certain way the whole time to please him and feed on that energy, if something is different for some reason he gets hurt and resentful. I don't need that in my life.

Edited September 2, 2019 by miss2017

[chillii]

You and I are kindred spirits. I also need alone time and my wife is the type of person that values togetherness. She's told me over and over that she doesn't like it that I resist letting her fuss over me. It's something she needs to do.

 

We compromise. I get my alone time and she gets special attention at some other point during the day. At night, when she wants to fuss over whether I'm under a blanket or not - I just let it be.

 

It's actually a very good thing that you will value more as you grow older. It's how your SO shows his appreciation and love for you. No wonder that your intransience causes feelings of rejection.

 

So compromise. You get your two hours in the morning and he gets his two hours in the afternoon and whatever else during the day.

 

If you put some effort into it he should be able to get by his feelings of rejection.

 

Living together is a lot tougher then just dating.

 

 

 

 

Ahh that's funny , she sounds a bit like my lady in her needs , loves checkin l'm all covered up too and fussing.

We sorta too have unspoken understandings now on my ways which has helped a lot , she can read now when l'll enjoy some fussing or attention or when it's just gonna be poking the bear.

[schlumpy]

If you are looking for permission to dump him - go ahead.

 

It appears you have already run through the gamut of what I would suggest and you comparing him to a dog waiting for attention pretty much says everything.

 

Try not to be cruel.

[d0nnivain]

When you 1st move in, there is an adjustment. Everybody has hiccups at 1st

 

I need space. My husband needs more space. I was not used to being the "clingy" one.

 

Let me tell you 2 stories.

 

1. I was living with a BF. His mom got diagnosed with cancer & they had to relocate back to the northeast from Florida because they had no support down there. They moved in with us. When it was just me & the BF, I'd get home from work about 1 hour before him & that was my alone time. Now I came home to his parents who were all over me when I walked in the door. It was hell.

 

We came to a compromise. I would get home & exchange pleasantries with them. Then I would go in the bedroom to change & close the door. They weren't to knock or disturb me until I was really to come back out. It helped.

 

 

2. Married to DH. He needs way more space then I do. He hides in his man / cave office a lot. I try not to disturb him in there. If I need him to talk, I ask him to come out to the living room / kitchen & he does. He also goes to sleep hours after I do but if I need to fall asleep in his arms because I had a bad day he comes up to bed with me & then goes back to his cave when I fall asleep.

 

 

Another thing with DH, He didn't know how to deal when I would get upset. I told him to hug me. He asked why that would help. I couldn't explain. But now he hugs me because he knows it helps me, not because he gets it.

 

So try this. You have told your BF you need space & he's not giving it to you. Give him a timer. For example, would you be OK with a 1/2 hour in the morning? If so get up, write the time on a post it; stick somewhere he will see it & make him agree to leave you alone until at least that 1/2 hour is up. Explain to him that it's not about him understanding why you need this but loving you enough to give it to you. Reframe this issue. You are not rejecting him when you ask for space but he is affirmatively hurting you by depriving you of your alone time. If you can make it about him showing his love to you by giving you what you want / need, that should make it more palatable to him to give it to you.

[miss2017]

Well guys we had a phone conversation where I was trying to explain to him how I am (about the alone time), and he hang up the phone on me.

 

Then he came to mine to get his laptop and we ended up having an argument where he said is not normal to wanting alone time like I need, and that I am pushing him away asking for it.

 

He also said he is very insecure and needs constant validation and attention from me.

 

So basically this is a total lack of compatibility.

 

Then things escalated to a point where he said he's leaving and giving me alone time, and then looked at me saying "I love you" and expecting me to say back to get his validation and making me pressure.

 

I didn't say it back because I felt what he was doing was ridiculous.

 

He got really piss** off and ended things on the spot, took all his stuff from my house and left.

 

I told him when he was taking all his stuff for him to really realise what he is doing, because I only asked for some alone time, not to break up. And there will be no coming back after this.

 

It's like our relationship is hanging by a wire and anything that disturbs the normal "script" of things, is going to end up in a break up.

 

I cannot function with someone like this, that needs constant attention and validation and doesn't understand and respects my need for alone time.

 

He is like a toddler needing attention all the time.

 

I'm glad is over.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Life is too short and our energy is too precious to explain ourselves over and over to someone who does not understand you (or wants too).

 

 

Relationships involve compromise, and I agree that if he doesn't want to understand, you will have an uphill battle.

[d0nnivain]

What a dramatic way to have it end but it is probably for the best.

[preraph]

You're not a good match and you definitely should NOT be living together. He's making you feel guilty for having a moment to yourself! Normal people NEED some alone time. He's the one that's got a problem that he can't be alone. You're not his mother. It's for the best. Can't even imagine raising a family with someone like that.

 

He'll have a hard time finding someone who can stand that long enough to stay long-term. It's smothering. And it's his insecurity and he knows it but thinks that's okay. I'm glad you spoke up and stopped putting up with it.

Edited September 2, 2019 by preraph

[miss2017]

You're not a good match and you definitely should NOT be living together. He's making you feel guilty for having a moment to yourself! Normal people NEED some alone time. He's the one that's got a problem that he can't be alone. You're not his mother. It's for the best. Can't even imagine raising a family with someone like that.

 

He'll have a hard time finding someone who can stand that long enough to stay long-term. It's smothering. And it's his insecurity and he knows it but thinks that's okay. I'm glad you spoke up and stopped putting up with it.

 

Yes, we have been on holidays and have been together for weeks 24/7. As soon as I say I want a day on my own, he reacts like this. Feels like a toddler who someone took away his favourite toy.

 

Yes I did speak up and he didn't like it. It's over.

[elaine567]

I get compatibility, but what Chilli and Schlumpy are describing is acquiescence.

Neither women is naturally agreeable to the situation but both have learned to comply.

When faced with an immovable object you either move away or you put up with it. Both women decided to put up with it. They learned to live with it.

Even d0nnivain is also describing acquiescence, her husband is the immovable object requiring loads of excess space and she accepts it...

Seems to me women are usually better at complying to keep the peace than men.

 

OP

He didn't want to acquiesce or compromise, he wanted you to comply to his demands, he, wasn't listening to you, he was the immovable object, he wasn't changing that was your job.

Getting no leeway from you, he is thus leaving.

[miss2017]

What a dramatic way to have it end but it is probably for the best.

 

He doesn't know how to have a discussion and talk openly and honestly. Everything is a personal attack for him and this is how he reacts.

 

He has done it before and I took him back. This time I told him (when he was taking his stuff from my house) to really realise what he is doing because there will be no coming back again this time.

 

He actually asked me to marry him whilst we were on holidays a few weeks ago and gave me an engagement ring. So you can imagine how I am feeling now, but is better if we end it as I don't trust him now.

[miss2017]

He didn't want to acquiesce or compromise, he wanted you to comply to his demands, he, wasn't listening to you, he was the immovable object, he wasn't changing that was your job.

Getting no leeway from you, he is thus leaving.

 

Yes that is what was happening. As long as I "behave" the way he likes and makes him happy, and follow the script, all is well.

 

As soon as I act different and say my needs out loud, he is not getting what he wants from me, so he leaves.

 

Is this love? I seriously doubt it.

 

Anyway, I was thinking about moving back to my country and leaving the country I have been living for many years, and my relationship with him was the only thing keeping me here. Now I have an open road to move.