We started living together but are very different.

[d0nnivain]

hugs miss2017

 

As much as this sucks, better now then after you were married.

[miss2017]

hugs miss2017

 

As much as this sucks, better now then after you were married.

 

Yes agree and thank you. The thing is, with this guy things never get to the getting married part, because any argument we have he breaks up.

[Mr. Lucky]

He got really piss** off and ended things on the spot, took all his stuff from my house and left.

 

Honestly, he sounds needy, annoying and drama-prone. Someone like that would drive me crazy.

 

Judging compatibility and ensuring similar goals is the purpose of dating. Based on your outcome, I'd say the system works...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

He does just sound like someone forgot to wean him.

 

Where are you thinking about moving back to? Don't tell me if you really don't want to, I get being anonymous online.

[miss2017]

Honestly, he sounds needy, annoying and drama-prone. Someone like that would drive me crazy.

 

Judging compatibility and ensuring similar goals is the purpose of dating. Based on your outcome, I'd say the system works...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes he is. And he likes to turn things around when he doesn't like something.

 

He lacks emotional intelligence too, because otherwise he would realise it would be much better to just be fine with me having my alone time to recharge and then come back to him recharged and happy, rather than keep trying to get more of my energy where there's nothing left.

 

It surely does work.

[miss2017]

He does just sound like someone forgot to wean him.

 

Where are you thinking about moving back to? Don't tell me if you really don't want to, I get being anonymous online.

 

That's fine, going back to sunny south of Spain from the UK.

[miss2017]

Hi guys, I have posted about this earlier on today in another thread but wasn't expecting things to escalate the way they did, so just want some advice on moving on from this, which is now basically a break-up.

 

So me and my boyfriend were together for nearly a year and decided to live together (as in moving in with me). We went on holidays abroad for a few weeks and he asked me to marry him and gave me an engagement ring.

 

We came back and I got sick with an infection and got really unwell. So basically because now we are living together we were spending more time together, and some things came out to the surface.

 

Especially how insecure he is and needs my attention and validation ALL the time. I need alone time to recharge and with the holidays and being sick I got really drained and exhausted and wasn't giving him the attention and validation he needs all the time.

 

So I told him I want alone time to recharge and be with myself, and he didn't take it well. Especially when he went back to his house to do some stuff and I asked him if he could sleep there that night so I can have some quiet me time on my own. He hang up the phone on me.

 

He got hurt and resentful, saying he doesn't understand my need to have alone time.

 

He got back to mine and we had a bad argument about it. He admitted to be very insecure and needing the constant attention and validation and I said to him I cannot do that ALL the time! It's draining! I'm his fiancé and girlfriend, not his mom!

 

So he got really angry, and decided to pick up all of his stuff from my house and break up.

 

When he was picking up his stuff I told him to realise seriously what he is doing, because I only wanted a night on my own, not to break-up, and if he leaves, that's it, there's no coming back this time (he has broken up with me before after an argument).

 

He then as he was taking his stuff decided to stop and say "I love you" and stood there making pressure for me to say it back. I didn't say it back because I don't like to be pressured that way and found the situation ridiculous, like our relationship is hanging by a fine line and decided in a moment, like everything else doesn't matter.

 

So he got really piss** off I didn't say it back, took all of his things and left.

 

I was shocked after all this. Weeks ago he proposed to me, two days ago we were making plans to buy a house together and other stuff.

 

Then we have an argument and he just breaks up like that and I'm all alone.

 

I don't think he is normal to be honest. I don't think this is normal.

 

I just wanted some space and alone time to recharge and come back to him with my normal self, which he didn't respect and understand, acting like a toddler doing a tantrum.

 

To me there's really no going back and I completely lost trust in him and this is not the partner I want to marry.

 

It's like things are great on his own terms and when I follow his "script", as soon something changes, he just cannot accept it.

 

I feel heartbroken and have been crying my eyes out. How can someone say you are the love of their life and next minute leave you because of an argument? Does he think that happy married people live in perfect harmony all the time? No, they solve their issues together instead of leaving!

 

Can you please give me some advice? Deep down I know this is for the best, but this morning I was engaged and planning a life together and now I'm alone.

 

Having a hard time with this. Thank you.

Edited September 2, 2019 by miss2017

[chillii]

Honestly, he sounds needy, annoying and drama-prone. Someone like that would drive me crazy.

 

Judging compatibility and ensuring similar goals is the purpose of dating. Based on your outcome, I'd say the system works...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah l agree, sounds way way over board in his needyness. People will have trouble with this stuff if they aren't like that , yeah , but he does sound like a toddler.

[preraph]

I bet you won't be sorry! I guess you have friends and/or family there? That will be nice. Hope you meet a nice guy there.

[chillii]

Yes he is. And he likes to turn things around when he doesn't like something.

 

He lacks emotional intelligence too, because otherwise he would realise it would be much better to just be fine with me having my alone time to recharge and then come back to him recharged and happy, rather than keep trying to get more of my energy where there's nothing left.

 

It surely does work.

 

 

 

 

Oh yeah it's not only you don't worry, if l don't take it when l need it and push myself at times like that to give more, it just bites me worse later and l'll then need double or triple than what l needed the first time anyway.

So lf l'm just left to do my thing when l need it, all will be well with the world , once my gf figured that out everything in that departments been no problem since.

 

Sorry it blew up like that. but if it sticks maybe it's for the best by the sounds of him, and exiting stuff for you too in finally going back to your country if you haven't been happy there, maybe if it goes that way it all turns out a blessing.

Had a friend like me and she married a guy sounds a lot like him actually , he was extreme.

She'd try to escape but he'd come back checking on her even standing at the door,or sit in the lounge waiting watching the clock, or as soon as she'd reappear he'd be all over her, l'm cringing, she'd blow up at him in the end, many times over a few years but he was like a confused child, never got it and unfortunately they parted ways in the end, or maybe fortunately.

Edited September 2, 2019 by chillii

[basil67]

I'm sorry you're hurting. However I think you have no concept of the role you played in this. It is not normal or OK to ask your partner to not come home for a night because you need space. As you say, married people solve their issues together - under the same roof. Yes, I get that that his behaviour was draining you and a whole lot of work needed to be done, but it's not his fault that you left it so long to address that it required him to be asked to not come home.

 

If you think his needy behaviour can be overcome, you need to apologise for asking him to not come home. If he accepts your apology, discuss better ways to manage your relationship so that you don't feel overwhelmed by him.

[healing light]

I think you guys are incompatible if he can't understand your need for space. Some people have avoidant attachment styles, others secure, and some anxious. He sounds like the latter and it would be exhausting to have to be "on" all the time to soothe someone else's insecurities. You didn't break him, and you can't fix him.

 

Upon first read, I didn't think it was a big deal that you asked for a night on your own knowing there were alternate accommodations--maybe in hindsight you could have been the one to take a night away to recharge (so he didn't feel kicked out of his own home)...or been more consistent about taking afternoons for yourself so it didn't reach a climax.

 

I don't think a night off would have solved this problem long-term, though. He sounds too needy for you. Being stuck in a marriage with a person who you view as childish or needy is worse than being alone, so while I know it's no comfort to you now, I think there are more compatible partners for you in the future.

[miss2017]

I bet you won't be sorry! I guess you have friends and/or family there? That will be nice. Hope you meet a nice guy there.

 

Yes all my family and friends are there. Here where I live I have no family and didn't make any friends (only a few acquaintances), so I do feel very misplaced.

[miss2017]

I think you guys are incompatible if he can't understand your need for space. Some people have avoidant attachment styles, others secure, and some anxious. He sounds like the latter and it would be exhausting to have to be "on" all the time to soothe someone else's insecurities. You didn't break him, and you can't fix him.

 

Upon first read, I didn't think it was a big deal that you asked for a night on your own knowing there were alternate accommodations--maybe in hindsight you could have been the one to take a night away to recharge (so he didn't feel kicked out of his own home)...or been more consistent about taking afternoons for yourself so it didn't reach a climax.

 

I don't think a night off would have solved this problem long-term, though. He sounds too needy for you. Being stuck in a marriage with a person who you view as childish or needy is worse than being alone, so while I know it's no comfort to you now, I think there are more compatible partners for you in the future.

 

I can explain why I asked him to stay at his house for one night.

 

I am a full-time mom with a 6 year old son. I have no family or friends where I live and my son's dad is living abroad.

 

Also, we have been on holidays and I have had zero opportunities to have alone time to recharge. Couldn't take an afternoon to myself or check myself into a hotel, etc.

 

This together with having had a bacterial infection, let me completely exhausted and drained.

 

Although we were living together, he still has his own house, and he still stays there sleeping a few nights when he has his own son with him for the weekend.

 

So I thought it would be ok after all this, to ask him if he could stay there one night so I can have some alone time.

 

My idea was that after taking my son to bed, I could just take a nice bubble bath, watch a bit of tv in the living room, or read a book, meditate, whatever I felt like doing without having to give my attention to him or anyone.

 

Because living with him is basically giving him attention ALL the time. After taking my son to bed, he just wants to be together cuddling and doesn't understand if I want to go do something else like reading a book or meditate on my own before going to bed. And even if I do that, I can feel his anxious energy waiting for my attention.

 

He didn't understand this at all although I did explain to him how I was feeling. He just thought something is wrong and panicked I was going to break up with him, which was not the case at all.

 

It's like every time I ask for what I need (especially alone time), he gets insecure and anxious because he is like a toddler with separation anxiety. Have to be together all the time.

 

He basically wanted a LOT of reassurance about my alone time, but I was too exhausted and drained to do that.

 

Maybe in normal circumstances that wouldn't happen (I work from home and can have my alone time when my son's in school), but after over a month of together all the time and feeling unwell I needed alone time desperately.

 

I think a secure and mature man would understand this and be ok with sleeping one night at his house, maybe even taking that time to do something for himself too.

 

That's all I wanted: recharge and have alone time so I could come back to him feeling great.

Edited September 3, 2019 by miss2017

[miss2017]

Also, I guess what I am having a hard time understanding is why someone breaks up so easily because of an argument.

 

Especially when he asked me to marry him a couple of weeks ago, we were living together and making plans to buy a house together, etc.

 

None of that matters?

 

Is all shattered and gone because of an argument where we see things differently?

 

Wouldn't be normal to just leave, let things calm down and then talk the next day, instead of throwing everything away on the spot, taking all his things and leave me, like all means nothing?

 

And doing all that in front of my son!?

 

I just can't understand this kind of behaviour and cannot trust someone like this.

 

I mean, he has done it before, he broke up with me after an argument a few months ago. But I thought that now being engaged, living together, making plans, etc, things would be different and he would stay through thick and thin. I was wrong.

 

Better now than later, but I'm still struggling with going from engaged to single again in a few hours.

Edited September 3, 2019 by miss2017

[assertives]

He isn't interested in "working things out" as a couple. Breaking up is probably his way of manipulating you to give in to his demands. It's all about him, his needs and his wants. Your needs and preferences are secondary and probably only valid as long as they don't conflict with what his needs and wants are. This is kinda evidenced by how everytime there's an argument, he breaks up with you. There's no healthy working through issues, resolving conflict, and aligning expectations together.

 

This is not someone who is marriage material, you are definitely better off single than being married to this manchild.

Edited September 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[miss2017]

He isn't interested in "working things out" as a couple. Breaking up is probably his way of manipulating you to give in to his demands. It's all about him, his needs and his wants. Your needs and preferences are secondary and probably only valid as long as they don't conflict with what his needs and wants are. This is kinda evidenced by how everytime there's an argument, he breaks up with you. There's no healthy working through issues, resolving conflict, and aligning expectations together.

 

This is not someone who is marriage material, you are definitely better off single than being married to this manchild.

 

You are right, he's not interested in working things out or understanding each other.

 

Before all this happened, we were on the phone having a normal conversation where I was explaining to him why I need alone time, etc.

 

Not arguing, just a normal talking, and he hang up the phone on me. So, yes not interested in understanding anything, but only interested in getting what he wants on his own terms or he plays a tantrum like a toddler who is told he cannot go outside to play.

 

If that was his way of manipulating me to give in to his demands, well the only thing he managed to achieve was hurt me and make me completely lose trust in him. And he hurt my son too, with my son watching the whole thing of him taking his stuff away and leaving my house.

 

I wish him a happy life.

Edited September 3, 2019 by miss2017

[lovetodance2018]

Hi miss2017, It sounds like you did the right thing by trying to communicate with him. Unfortunately, it is typical for men to feel rejected when we want our own time. I have been married for almost 30 years and my husband still feels that way when I don't give him the attention he wants. However, over the years we have learned that men and women are different, have different needs, and need to be told things in different ways. Men need to be told how much you admire him and care for him, but also we need to explain clearly why we need our alone time. I have learned to first praise my husband about a trait I really admire about him then use an example in his life of what he does, that I would like to do too. For example you can discuss with your bf why he enjoys sleeping in, why is that important to him, how does that make him feel? Then use that comparison to why your alone time is important to you and he should then be able to relate. A great video we watched that helped our relationship and understanding each other is called Laugh Your Way Through Marriage by Mark Gungor. I hope you and your bf will take time to watch this. It would be a good idea if you and your bf can discuss the things each of you would like to do together and what you'd like to do alone. Then set a schedule for time alone and time together. Giving and taking is part of how a relationship succeeds. We need to learn to come to a compromise. Also for us having God in the center of our life is so important. We know He guides us, gives us strength for our marriage and as individuals. It is important to both be unified and still have your own identity. I learned the hard way with this as I met my husband at 17 and tried to always do things his way. Almost lost myself for awhile, but now I have learned to stay strong on the things are important for me and my well-being. If your bf is the one you are meant to be with for the rest of your life, you both will learn how to communicate, not have hurt feelings, and understand each others need. I will be praying for you. Hugs!

[miss2017]

Thank you for your insight and help and I agree with you.

 

The thing is in this situation I was sick with a bacterial infection, drained and exhausted, feeling nauseated and even lightheaded.

 

I didn't have the energy to praise him and etc. I just wanted to be left alone and I asked for it. I need a partner who is secure enough in himself to realize how I was feeling without any more explanation.

 

It wasn't a normal life situation of me needing alone time. I was unwell.

 

Anyway, there will be no more conversations or anything. I'm not sure if you read the whole thread, but we had an argument where he got really angry, picked up all his stuff from my house, and left, breaking up with me on the spot.

 

And he did this in front of my son.

 

I haven't heard from him again since, so I think this was final.

Edited September 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[miss2017]

Just an update: he sent me messages today apologising, saying he is aware how he acted and saying he wishes he could turn back time.

 

Also said he knows he has an issue with reacting that way, breaking up and leaving.

 

I told him I accept his apologies but that I need someone who stays together after an argument. Someone who can just go away for a few hours or day to calm down but doesn't break up.

 

So now I am in this kind of situation where I feel heartbroken, lost and confused.

 

I miss him terribly, wish I was with him, but feel I lost trust and am very hurt and cannot go back together.

 

I wish he didn't do what he did, breaking up and leaving, and we could just meet and solve things out. But what he did broke my heart.

[preraph]

He may make promises now, but you've already seen how he is, and people don't just change. He'd soon settle right back into his infantile behavior.

[miss2017]

He may make promises now, but you've already seen how he is, and people don't just change. He'd soon settle right back into his infantile behavior.

 

People do change, but is with time and inner work and seriously addressing their issues, not overnight and certainly not by me taking him back easily.

 

If I did that, I would be just enabling his behaviour and he would be right back in his comfort zone, knowing he can do it again. It would become a pattern. And I would lose completely the respect for myself.

 

It's over with him. He can now go find someone new to act like that, and I can find go find someone new who behaves like a mature adult.

Edited September 5, 2019 by miss2017

[bene]

You two just seem incompatible and one of you would need to compromise your very basic needs to make the other happy.

 

With my partner we are often “alone” together. For example I read something, he works on his computer and we are in the same room but still in our own space. But if your guy doesn’t have this need and doesn’t even understand it then it’s a big incompatibility. He might genuinely not take your explanation seriously and find some ulterior motive behind your need for alone time.

 

I think it’s totally off limits to toss around words about breaking up without really meaning them. If you have an argument you should deal with the issue at hand, not question the entire existence of the relationship unless you are really sure about it. If he has done so repeatedly then you never know when it will happen again. I find it exhausting.

[miss2017]

You two just seem incompatible and one of you would need to compromise your very basic needs to make the other happy.

 

With my partner we are often “alone” together. For example I read something, he works on his computer and we are in the same room but still in our own space. But if your guy doesn’t have this need and doesn’t even understand it then it’s a big incompatibility. He might genuinely not take your explanation seriously and find some ulterior motive behind your need for alone time.

 

I think it’s totally off limits to toss around words about breaking up without really meaning them. If you have an argument you should deal with the issue at hand, not question the entire existence of the relationship unless you are really sure about it. If he has done so repeatedly then you never know when it will happen again. I find it exhausting.

 

I love that! Being "alone" but in the same space! I find that so intimate and natural.

 

I couldn't do that with this guy. With him it has to be attention non-stop. For example, if I sit down doing something on my laptop, he would sit next to me doing nothing just looking at me and waiting for attention. Or would interrupt me hundreds of times asking if I want a drink or something to eat, or whatever, just to get my attention. I couldn't even focus on what I was doing on my laptop!

 

And I could feel his nervous energy wanting attention which by itself was draining.

 

Yes he always thought I had ulterior motives for wanting alone time, and wouldn't understand this basic need of mine, which is part of who I am. THAT is a big issue.

 

He didn't even "toss around words about breaking up", he just broke up.

 

He is someone unreliable and that you simply cannot trust.

 

He questions the entire existence of the relationship due to an argument because in reality he is in a relationship with himself and taking benefits from the other. If a disagreement or an argument happens, the benefits stop, so he runs away. There's no creating a relationship together with him.

 

Is basically building castles in the sand.

 

I feel relieved and feel this time is completely over for me.

[lovetodance2018]

Sorry he left you, but it was probably for the best for you and your son. God will bring the right man in the right timing to you. I will be praying for you. In the meantime, pray and focus on yourself, your needs, and your desires. All my best~ Hugs!