Starting out again! 'Social skills for dating'...

[Ellener]

Career, child-raising and health issues got in the way for a few years, now I'm ready to start dating again- in my fifties. It's rather different than a few years ago, but the first thing I noticed is I have less than stellar 'social skills' for casual dating, I don't exactly know how to behave in the context of meeting people to see if we like each other.

 

It feels contrived compared to making friends or getting on with people around me, I feel like I'm showing off and I talk too much in a nervous way! But maybe I'm over-thinking it?

 

Any advice welcome.

[SumGuy]

Career, child-raising and health issues got in the way for a few years, now I'm ready to start dating again- in my fifties. It's rather different than a few years ago, but the first thing I noticed is I have less than stellar 'social skills' for casual dating, I don't exactly know how to behave in the context of meeting people to see if we like each other.

 

It feels contrived compared to making friends or getting on with people around me, I feel like I'm showing off and I talk too much in a nervous way! But maybe I'm over-thinking it?

 

Any advice welcome.

 

 

I felt the same way after getting divorced and then getting back into dating after 20 years. Although I'm a guy, don't think the nervousness or approach is much different.

 

I found what works for me, after some initial (lets say 6 months ) try to impress thinking is to be oneself as much as possible. I try to think of the first meeting as just that, a meeting.

 

Try not to impress but rather to get to know and enjoy the company. A good conversation starter is some common interest in their profile; try to pick one that you are "passionate" about. That is a topic you could talk about for some time with a friend.

 

Once a comfort level is reached and if you feel a flow of conversation it can be rather easy to get into questions about backgrounds and worldviews.

 

My advice is basically be yourself, it never helps if the person falls for a persona you put on. It can take the pressure off, which provides confidence, which is attractive.

This approach is looking for someone who conversationally clicks with you but also takes the pressure off. This not like a work or other social function. In those settings making small talk and finding a topic that serves as social lubricant is the goal, be it for business or just getting along with the neighbors.

 

When dating you are (or should I say I am) looking for someone can connect with conversationally, have shared interests and world view that makes a conversation engaging and grow organically.

Full disclosure, this approach is a very selecting one for interest and conversational ability.

[Ellener]

Thanks SumGuy, good advice.

 

I guess I can be a bit er eccentric to some people's way of thinking, so I try to 'fit in' a bit which like you say doesn't feel like 'be yourself'.

 

So not invest too much in each encounter, just see what happens. 'just a meeting', I like that.

 

I'm sure I'll provide much amusement for my friends whatever happens, I am totally inept at this so far, I already met in daily life a man I thought we were perfect for each other but it never got going and we just got more and more awkward and weird with each other!

 

Did you find a good partner eventually?

[SumGuy]

Thanks SumGuy, good advice.

I guess I can be a bit er eccentric to some people's way of thinking, so I try to 'fit in' a bit which like you say doesn't feel like 'be yourself'.

 

I'm "eccentric" as well, I try to let that shine in my profile. What one person finds eccentric and weird another finds engaging and sexy.

 

What helped me understand these things alot better is the Myers-Briggs personality typing.

 

So not invest too much in each encounter, just see what happens. 'just a meeting', I like that.

Thanks. I also always pick a place to meet that I would be good with going to alone, or at least think I might if have never been there. I realize this is benefit of being the gender expected to ask, though I do always suggest two choices if possible.

 

I'm sure I'll provide much amusement for my friends whatever happens, I am totally inept at this so far, I already met in daily life a man I thought we were perfect for each other but it never got going and we just got more and more awkward and weird with each other!

It is weird how that happens. It happens in OLD all the time as well in my experience.

 

Did you find a good partner eventually?

I think I have. We broke up for a while (6 months) after about 2 years together...and now very, very recently back together (as of 1 1/2 days ago ) We stayed friends in the break up if not as close as before. It took 3 very short term things and 3 relationships (one of which lasted over a year) and over 3 years before I met her though.

 

She is everything I want, except she is emotionally unavailable; for some understandable reasons; and life is handing her some real hardships now. Maybe why we got back together. Still. Right person, maybe not the right time. We decided to give it another chance anyways. Will see how it goes, we are both in our 50s for what it is worth.

 

A quick story...

I should say she found me. She messaged me first and I would have likely passed on her in my matches as she had just one photo (this is/was one of my filtering mechanisms). The photo was also not that great but it seemed it was one of those situations where not everyone is photogenic (I'm not photogenic); though she appeared in shape. So it certainly wasn't looks that got me to ask her out.

 

How did she get me? I'm up front about intellectual connection being a big deal to me. She led with a comment and insight on a book I had read and was witty. Basically, right there with her book comment and wit I was intrigued. After a few messages I had a strong idea I'd love talking with her even if I did not find her physically attractive. So after a week or so of messaging we met. I'd usually ask someone out by the third message but we had such a great conversation going I couldn't count how many we exchanged before asking.

 

I was right about her not being photogenic. In person she was amazingly hot, but forget her hotness, the conversation and connection on topics intellectual and spiritual was great. Connection is an aphrodisiac for me, and her as well. She's eccentric like me, two puzzle pieces with weird curvy edges that fit. A reference she gets.

 

 

Long, long way of saying that I would not hesitate to reach out to men if the kind of man you are interested in would go for that. Be selective though and cognizant in how you do it as I hear some guys think if you reach out it means automatic hook up.

Edited September 3, 2019 by SumGuy

[mark clemson]

People (and particularly men) are visual creatures. Suggest you make yourself as attractive as possible. Then when there is a guy YOU like there is a better chance HE will be just as interested.

 

If the above is not "being yourself" in your view, or you think it will make it less easy for the guy to "be himself" with you, then feel free to disregard.

 

Full disclosure: I'm not dating.

[SumGuy]

I would also suggest having photos that are recent or if not you look pretty much the same in them. Ones you are comfortable with and one that is a full body shot.

 

 

I can go on about the photos that personally are negatives to me (though I always look at the whole package including profile) but that may well differ depending on who and what you are looking for.

[Ellener]

My MBTI is INFJ SumGuy, I found that helpful too understanding why I can be so weirdly introvert then do something totally extrovert. What is your MB type? and does your partner fit into the predicted matching types?

 

'She's eccentric like me, two puzzle pieces with weird curvy edges that fit. A reference she gets.'

 

Shel Silverstein. I love when I connect to someone who gets all my mind-leaps too, there is nothing more fun or attractive for me either. Thank you so much for sharing your story and insights with me, it is very helpful, and I hope this time your relationship sticks together.

 

'I would not hesitate to reach out to men if the kind of man you are interested in would go for that. Be selective though and cognizant in how you do it as I hear some guys think if you reach out it means automatic hook up.'

I'm kind of protected from casual sex temptations (!) right now as I'm sharing a house post-Harvey in a situation where I would not be comfortable bringing a man home ( there's a teenager living here too ) but I have also found so far that the kind of man I would want a casual sex thing with is not the person I would want to be in a relationship with, if that makes sense.

 

Yes, tell me about the photographs which are negatives! Because what Mark Clemson says ( thanks Mark ) I had completely forgotten about: 'People (and particularly men) are visual creatures. Suggest you make yourself as attractive as possible. Then when there is a guy YOU like there is a better chance HE will be just as interested.'

 

I needed a photo of myself for a social group and was appalled when I saw the 5 photos my friend took with the words 'sorry, that's the best I can do' ( and she's an artist! )

 

I looked wildly eccentric ( if super comfortable. And about 80. And possibly homeless- technically true I suppose... ) Anyway I had a fun few weeks making myself over. Which is when this man I really like, that's when we started being weird and awkward with each other!

 

( I hope we get to re-visit that too some time, he seems very special )

[SumGuy]

My MBTI is INFJ SumGuy, I found that helpful too understanding why I can be so weirdly introvert then do something totally extrovert. What is your MB type? and does your partner fit into the predicted matching types?

I most often come up INTJ, but have a lot of Extrovert and Perceiving. Someone said I've well developed my F and P functions, but in true INTJ fashion through "logic" and the realization that there is no one right way to be and I do care about others even and seeing things their way. It has served me well in all aspects of life.

 

My partner, lets call her R, is certainly an INT, mostly INTP. It's the NT that gets us going and I understand her introversion and need for space and her mine.

 

I love when I connect to someone who gets all my mind-leaps too, there is nothing more fun or attractive for me either. Thank you so much for sharing your story and insights with me, it is very helpful, and I hope this time your relationship sticks together.

Me too, there is nothing more exciting for me than those types of conversations. Besides intellectual fun, the best flirting is with someone who has a quick, intuitive and subtle wit. All that and we can spend literally hours talking about life and ideas, but also then making plans and acting on them.

 

I've a theory that the "interview" date style is an ES style, as well as the love of the pre-meet phone call, both not for me. It's mostly an intuitive thing as using my N function works best in person (I could care less about the S value of asking questions, I want the whole realm of information not just voice), and an introvert thing as merely hearing a human voice does not energize me. Now messaging does work for me because it hits my NT side, as I've found being able to communicate socially well in writing does take a lot of N and T.

 

I have also found so far that the kind of man I would want a casual sex thing with is not the person I would want to be in a relationship with, if that makes sense.

To be honest not to me, but I've heard it before. First I like women so no causal sex with men for me Seriously though, besides a few "these are just flings" immediate post divorce (or should I say a few single women in my social circle "helped" me, or helped themselves to me with the understanding this is going no where) I only have sex with someone I think there is a potential for a relationship with. I am certainly wrong at times, but I never go into it thinking casual.

 

I don't think I need to turn in my guy card though. Although in my experience the best sex is with someone you are connected to, I also have a high libido and would much rather find one person who feels the same for near daily fun, rather than the casual thing which I can't see meeting a person much more than once a week, and the work, and the risk, and the hollowness, etc.

 

Yes, tell me about the photographs which are negatives! Because what Mark Clemson says ( thanks Mark ) I had completely forgotten about: 'People (and particularly men) are visual creatures. Suggest you make yourself as attractive as possible. Then when there is a guy YOU like there is a better chance HE will be just as interested.'

I admit I am a visual creature too, though the situation and person is very important.

Pictures for me are just to see what she looks like and what shape she is in. I think we all have a bare minimum in looks, mine is definitively influenced by profile and the realization that in real life (and in bed) people can look much better.

Then I would like to see a full body shot just to see what shape a person is in. I'm not looking for a cross-fit instructor type shape, a little extra around the middle is fine, not sure exactly how the numbers work but guessing 30-40 extra pounds around the middle on someone 5'4" is too much normally for me.

I myself am about 10lbs from my "ideal weight" at 5' 11", that is if I lost an inch from my waist I'd be ecstatic...I focus first though on function, having stamina, strength, etc. I like to think I'm not shooting for the stars here or failing to bring the same fitness level to the table.

 

 

All a long way of saying I don't care if their is a bikini picture, t-shirt and jeans, dress, etc. are fine. No need to be tight either, just a general idea.

All that being said, if I'm really intrigue by someone's profile and messages I will meet them anyway. You never know.

 

 

Pictures that are big negatives for me: (1) ones with a guy that is not explained as or does not look like you father or son, these clearly look like shots with an ex; (2) ones with you teenage/college age daughter as if you are clubbing, who's profile is it anyway?; (3) all selfies, even worse all car selfies, even worse selfies with that smoothing filter, it's obvious; or worse of all the above with duck face...who ever thought duck face was a good idea?

 

 

Ones that make me wonder how compatible we are: (1) pictures showing your kids, especially if they are not adults/gradating high school type one. It may be just me but I'm not showing pictures of my kids to potentially thousands of strangers. Also interested in her and not her kids, if and when we connect then we can get into learning more about each others kids; having kids of my own I understand that there needs come first, you are not just free to travel, etc.; (2) all travel pictures especially if you are going out of the country a couple times a year, makes me think travel is what you are all about and that is just not my life style at the moment and while I love to go places and on adventures it is the icing on the cake of life for me not the cake.

 

I looked wildly eccentric ( if super comfortable. ... )

Well that sounds cool to me, I prefer the no make-up look and value non-conformity If I pose for a shot it comes out horrible, have had to really work on that for professional reasons, but if the shot catches me unawares in the moment, especially smiling or laughing they come out well.

 

 

Anyway I had a fun few weeks making myself over. Which is when this man I really like, that's when we started being weird and awkward with each other!

My knowing others are not like me side can readily see that happening and propose possible reasons, my core self thinks that at our age (assume he is near 50 as well) one should be grounded enough not to let something like that weird you out, or at least recover quickly once it has. I also think it is fine if you put in make-over shots along with the eccentric ones, shows multiple sides of you and can be a way to let men know the camera is not kind to everyone all the time.

 

( I hope we get to re-visit that too some time, he seems very special )

Me too. If he is the kind that lines up with us IN types I'd think one could just talk about the weird and awkwardness.

[Lotsgoingon]

Just get out there and date. You've gotten some good advice here.

 

Basically don't hide your "eccentricity" because hiding that will undermine your confidence ... and you'll end up with someone who doesn't appreciate your eccentricity!

 

Instead, put your eccentricity out there ... don't apologize for making your mind leaps and all that ... You're looking for someone who LOVES your eccentricity--someone that you also like.

 

A guy I know who was divorced ... got thoroughly paralyzed and confused about dating. He finally took his confusion to a therapist. The therapist told him ... essentially go on a first date ... and afterwards decide if you want to go on a second date. Period. And it's OK if the answer is no.

 

If you have to work really hard to understand another person, I say that's not who you want to date.

 

Understand that you might need to meet a lot of people before you meet someone who really excites you and who you have chemistry with. I remember a period of my life (also post divorce) when I was meeting no women who excited me. I wondered if something was wrong.

 

Then one day at work, I met this woman who was a visitor. We ended up having a powerful conversation-connect-chemistry ... in about 5 minutes. And I was not trying to impress her. That's what was interesting. I was just sharing some thoughts in response to some questions she had.

 

This woman was actually involved with someone else. But I got what I needed out of the encounter: the realization that I am still alive and that I am capable of feeling chemistry.

 

Here's a tip for yourself ... and for understanding others ... Basically ambiguity ... if someone is hot and cold ... or seems distant ... means they're not really interested. Also, if you're ambivalent ... that means basically you're not interested. But warning: it's hard (it's one of the recurring problems on LS) to accept that someone isn't interested in us.

 

You can go out a second time with someone just to make sure you're not interested ... but pretty much you will know in one or two dates if this is someone you really want to date. Doesn't mean of course, that they are the right person ... Just means you're willing to go to date #3.

 

This can be fun ... if you do it right ... speak your mind ...share your opinions and views ...give the other person a chance to really know you ... so that if they like you, they are liking real qualities of yours.

[Ellener]

'Just get out there and date. You've gotten some good advice here.'

 

Ok Lotsgoinon! I signed up with match.com ( @ $220 for a year ) and set it to email me 'matches' three times a week...let's see what that turns up.

 

When I feel more confident what I'm doing I'll ask friends and acquaintances if they know suitable single men, but I feel they are deriving quite enough amusement from the situation for now

 

Found the match profile super-difficult to set up, you get to pick from answers which don't much fit my life, but I left it kind-of open at this stage as to who I will meet.

 

SumGuy, you are right about the 'duckface'. And the strangely selected photos, also there is too much info sometimes, one guy wrote this excellent blurb about life then ended it with 'PS you must be a good kisser'...

 

'First I like women so no causal sex with men for me' Hey, SumGuy, your causality is your business, I won't judge But re 'daily fun' if I were to have flings it's generally with someone younger, who also has no interest in a relationship ( now who's doing 'too much info'?-ed. )

 

'I also always pick a place to meet that I would be good with going to alone, or at least think I might if have never been there. I realize this is benefit of being the gender expected to ask,'

 

is that 'the norm', that a woman waits to be asked? Do I wait to send someone a message too? ( I already broke the rules if it is. Oops )

 

'Here's a tip for yourself ... and for understanding others ... Basically ambiguity ... if someone is hot and cold ... or seems distant ... means they're not really interested. Also, if you're ambivalent ... that means basically you're not interested.'

 

Thanks Lotsgoinon, I don't know if I 100% agree, though I can see why 'warning: it's hard (it's one of the recurring problems on LS) to accept that someone isn't interested in us.' is a bitter pill, it feels like not being given a chance?

 

Ambivalence for me can be I'm still processing something though. Or distracted.

 

There does seem to be a sense of urgency about romance which I don't feel, or haven't yet, there's a Wendy Cope poem:

 

'Bloody men are like bloody buses -

You wait for about a year

And as soon as one approaches your stop

Two or three others appear.

 

You look at them flashing their indicators,

Offering you a ride.

You're trying to read the destination,

You haven't much time to decide.

 

If you make a mistake, there is no turning back.

Jump off, and you'll stand there and gaze

While the cars and the taxis and lorries go by

And the minutes, the hours, the days.'

 

Like you don't get many chances, or shouldn't give many chances, or something.

[SumGuy]

...

is that 'the norm', that a woman waits to be asked? Do I wait to send someone a message too? ( I already broke the rules if it is. Oops )

...

 

 

No rules.

I think I recommended reaching out with a message first if you like them. Even when I get messaged first, which was kind of my default in the break up period, that is I did not message or like first, it always seems to be me suggesting a place even if they suggest meeting first.

 

 

So no rules just seemed to work out that way and believe it is what is expected of men.

[Lotsgoingon]

Ambivence = you're not interested.

 

Let me clarify. For a relationship to work, both people have to be fiercely, passionately interested ... both. If both are not, the relationship is doomed. With both passionately interested, there is still no guarantee.

 

If you're working hard to decide that someone is worth dating, I would say you don't really like them enough to date. You don't need to work that hard to figure out if you like the person. Most of the time, when you push through ambivalence ... you end up "settling." And also what happens is that you start twisting yourself in emotional knots (shaving off a rough spot in the other person, hiding some part of yourself) so that you can imagine fitting in a relationship with this person. That's a no-no. Doesn't work.

 

And people pick up when the other person not really interested. You ever dated someone or married someone you had major misgivings about? It's really hard to treat them well consistently. Really hard.

[mark clemson]

Heh. Like the poem.

[Ellener]

I love poetry Mark Clemson! There's a Yeats poem with 'but one man loved the pilgrim soul in you, and loved the changing sorrows of your face'. That's what I love about loving someone!

 

Ambivalence to me is just that Lotsgoinon, I'm still barely exchanging messages or little pink heart 'likes' with people who described themselves ( with self-knowledge/ accuracy maybe/maybe not ) online. With my friend, he's different, he told me he's been alone for 14 years since his wife died. I'm just going to avoid him for now, he's working through his own stuff I guess. Or not- 14 years is a long time, and he seems pretty happy.

 

Hopefully it'll be a friendship again later, but I already saw enough to feel he's a very special man and worth 'shaving off a rough spot' here and there.

 

I'm way past having initial early-on 'fiercely passionately interested' feelings about someone too, a new person is just a potential relationship to me. I've got a good life and I'm only dating or being in a relationship if it makes us both happier. Down with angst!

 

I was married ( way too young ) for many years but my ex had some problems. And no doubt he'd say the same about me! We got a great kid out of it ( grown now, who my ex has since lost touch with if that tells you anything )

 

What kind of places SumGuy, I was thinking- keep first dates short? I can be way too intense about the things I'm interested in. Like poetry! Have to remind myself there's a line between being enthusiastic and boring.

[SumGuy]

..

What kind of places SumGuy, I was thinking- keep first dates short?

I almost always suggest a nice pub, or a restaurant with a nice bar. I've a love for craft beer and from time to time mixed drinks, and can eve go for wine. It's really about a place with a relaxed vibe that fits and highly conducive to conversation. There are plenty around me.

Occasionally if meeting before noon will do coffee, there are a couple non-chain cafes around as well as bakeries.

I always try to find a place near where she lives, check it and the neighborhood out on line to make sure it is not sketchy...not that the towns dating out of are that way.

 

 

I can be way too intense about the things I'm interested in. Like poetry! Have to remind myself there's a line between being enthusiastic and boring.

Is there? I think enthusiastic (intense) conversation is great. What can one glean from run of the mill stuff? I might say intense conversation is almost a requirement for me to fall for someone.

[Ellener]

Thanks SumGuy. I can see why women love you

You are a wonderful encourager!

 

One guy wrote about going in a hot air balloon, I'd like to do that ( and that's about as extreme-sporty as I get! ) I don't drink alcohol any more, so I don't know much about beers except I haven't found a non-alcoholic one which was worth drinking.

 

'I think enthusiastic (intense) conversation is great.'

I do too, but I read this before I signed up for advice on here:

 

'Rule 1. Respond proportionally.

 

If you remember nothing else, remember this: Stay within the tempo of the conversation.

 

Don't go on too long when she asks you a question, but also don't be too brief in your response. Too long and you are boring and self-absorbed. Too short and you are cold and about as much fun as spending the night in front of the TV with the sound turned down.'

 

( https://www.aarp.org/home-family/dating/info-2017/first-date-tips-older-adults-fd.html )

 

And I like tv with the sound turned down too!

[Lotsgoingon]

The required fierce interest and passion is only about going to the next step and seeing the person on another date, literally on one more date ...

 

And then you go out on a second date and see if you feel strongly about going on a third date ... and so on. If after two dates or three, your interest meter reads ... yeah, I could go out again ... I guess that would be ok. He's a good guy., then you can shorten your torture and cancel any next dates. I'm not talking about following and believing high-school crush hormones here.

 

Trust me: you will feel some excitement meeting someone. May take time ... unfortunately might take a lot of time and a lot of dates, but you will sit down eventually with someone and your heart just pounds or you find yourself lost in this fantastic conversation in which you feel heard and you like hearing what the other person is saying.

 

I don't think the ability to feel chemistry dies off until we are packed away six feet under.

 

Breakups hit older folks just about as hard as they hit younger folks. One of my mentors was in her 70s when she had some heartbreaking disappointments and this is a lovely and quite pretty and fit woman. And a very accomplished, confident, balanced woman. She has since found someone that she has great chemistry with.

 

I've been dumped in my 40s and 50s (after my divorce) ... are you kidding me? Crushing hurt! It's just that with experience, I knew in the back of my mind that the pain would be temporary ... and would ease with time ... and that there was plenty of life beyond this person who dumped me. But getting dumped at any age hurts! Which on the flip side shows that people are feeling deep, genuine interest.

[Ellener]

Thanks Lotsgoingon.

 

I did feel excitement at seeing my friend, not crushing hurt that he doesn't want to get involved though, just disappointed. Extra-so if it means we won't be friends. I really value friendships.

 

But as you say- I know there will be other friends, other relationships. They're all different too, and that all-consuming passion which seems like obsession now, I don't get like that, I have my life of happy bits and pieces. It's nice to have the heart pump faster and enjoy getting to know someone but also good to know I won't be de-railed emotionally.

 

It's actually an epiphany that- if I can't be calm around someone, they're not for me!

[Lotsgoingon]

It's actually an epiphany that- if I can't be calm around someone, they're not for me!

 

Great, so this is your test ... sounds like a more serious test ... of whether you really want to go forward: can you be calm?! That sounds great. Having to work really hard to be calm would be your sign of ambivalence.

 

Passion only propels the desire to move forward ... then we need to bring out the analytical brain to really check out this other person to look for great qualities, red flags and so on.

 

You may be one of these folks (I know they're out there) ... who does the analytical evaluation earlier ... and then you allow yourself to feel passion if you feel the person is worthy of that feeling. That works!

[SumGuy]

Thanks SumGuy. I can see why women love you

You are a wonderful encourager!

Thanks Ellener, the jury may still be out on how much they truly love me, though they appear to like me enough.

 

I don't drink alcohol any more, so I don't know much about beers except I haven't found a non-alcoholic one which was worth drinking.

Not sure of your area, know there are a few places around me that do pretty amazing non-alcoholic fresca/smoothie/lassi in addition to the mock-tails. I find the "getting a drink" is the kind of thing you do with friends, as perhaps getting an appetizer and some places just have nice outdoor spaces in the summer or cozy indoor places (with a fireplace of course) in the winter.

 

'I think enthusiastic (intense) conversation is great.'

I do too, but I read this before I signed up for advice on here:

 

'Rule 1. Respond proportionally.

 

If you remember nothing else, remember this: Stay within the tempo of the conversation.

 

Don't go on too long when she asks you a question, but also don't be too brief in your response. Too long and you are boring and self-absorbed. Too short and you are cold and about as much fun as spending the night in front of the TV with the sound turned down.'

I kind of agree but I tend to look for a topic with a enthusiastic tempo, especially something they are enthusiastic about. I can pretty much engage in a conversation on anything, good listening, interest and insightful questions are certainly enough even if you know nothing about the topic.

 

 

My whole approach is about quality, finding that person that engages in conversation the way I do (realizing that is not necessarily common). So more than willing to on many dates until find the one that clicks. Odds based on personality type are likely 1 in 50 at best, which close pretty close to actuality. Not that I met 50 women, but likely messaged 50, then met about 30 and of those went out with for a time 4, but only 1 has really, really done it for me. (They all did it for me sexually, in my experience the sex part is the easy part; so I get picky and want the great conversation part as well )

 

And I like tv with the sound turned down too!

I know. I really can't watch TV with commercials any more, I'll record or use a streaming service.

 

 

IIRC the guy you are interested in is a widower of ~14 years? The one who does it for me is a widow, now about 9-10 years. Being able to open oneself up to a second time is a thing that needs to be worked through.

[Ellener]

'You may be one of these folks (I know they're out there) ... who does the analytical evaluation earlier ... and then you allow yourself to feel passion if you feel the person is worthy of that feeling. That works!'

 

Thanks Lotsgoinon, I am. I know the passion is the easy part, for me anyway, and I like to know there's some substance to a person relationship-wise before I er lose my calm...

 

' The one who does it for me is a widow, now about 9-10 years. Being able to open oneself up to a second time is a thing that needs to be worked through.'

 

Yes SumGuy, takes a long time to move on sometimes. I do better with people who are up front though, I'd rather have that one awkward conversation. I know many people aren't as comfortable with that though.

 

The match thing is teaching me more about me than about anyone else at this point!

[SumGuy]

...

' The one who does it for me is a widow, now about 9-10 years. Being able to open oneself up to a second time is a thing that needs to be worked through.'

 

Yes SumGuy, takes a long time to move on sometimes. I do better with people who are up front though, I'd rather have that one awkward conversation. I know many people aren't as comfortable with that though.

...

Yah I know. We've been up front about it, alas I think there is only about a 20% chance it will work out for me. Oh the things I will do for love. A lot it appears, except I won't push children out of tower windows. That is where I draw the line.

[Ellener]

'I won't push children out of tower windows. That is where I draw the line.'

 

It's good to set boundaries!

 

I think there's a lot to be said for living in the moment and enjoying what is, even knowing instinctively that it's not perfect.

 

If I'm happy with what's happening I'll do that for a bit too, but my situation stalled into one of immediate frustration.

 

I was married to a 'frustrator' for years and learned over time that he was avoiding intimacy whilst simultaneously trying to keep a pseudo-connection ( read a lot of Eric Berne psychology books around that time. Then got a divorce )

 

Ironically the man who was great at keeping me intrigued was even better at keeping me at arm's length, so I don't get over-excited in the same situation now. I'd just lost my home in flooding and a couple of other traumas when I met this beautiful guy who was kind to me so I didn't notice for a while that he was just dangling potential ( ! )

 

'the things I will do for love.'

 

Yes SumGuy. Like the Meat Loaf song which unwittingly inspired the best vulgar jokes of a generation. His intention I'm sure.

 

Power ballad passion...'must have been love ( must have been...) but it's over now...♫♫♫' ( but maybe not, so...'I love rock and roll...♫♫♫')

 

Enough singing; go do some work woman!!!

Edited September 11, 2019 by Ellener

[SumGuy]

...

 

I think there's a lot to be said for living in the moment and enjoying what is, even knowing instinctively that it's not perfect.

I agree. I feel like we've been "stalled" for a while hence the break up.

 

'the things I will do for love.'

 

Yes SumGuy. Like the Meat Loaf song which unwittingly inspired the best vulgar jokes of a generation. His intention I'm sure.

Well I'm pretty sure I will do "that" Whatever that is.

 

Meatloaf seems to have a fair bit of relevant relationship songs...been thinking of the one:

 

"And all I can do is keep on telling you

I want you, I need you

But-there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you

Now don't be sad

'Cause two out of three ain't bad"

..♫♫♫

 

Luckily I'm the boss so can work when I want, unluckily I'm the boss so have to work all the time

[Ellener]

'Well I'm pretty sure I will do "that" Whatever that is.'

 

Yes SumGuy. Infinity mirror.

 

Me too. Maybe. Probably. Or not. I'm nothing if not indecisive...

 

I too work for myself and was supposed to be writing today- today was a 'designated writing day'. I did technically write ( a letter to my aunt, a posting or 2 on here, emails ) just not about therapeutic environments in end of life care. Which lead me to make a writing goal-setting calendar then not write on it now write about it...

 

I already set my match.com settings to notify once a week, I'm not so sure it's a tool for dating more so much as a tool for learning more about dating. But it's irritating. The emails I mean.

 

Need a walk! after my fun totally unproductive day