She pulled the rug from my feet and dumped me

[Tess155]

Hi, just wanted to share my story. Met my gf online dating site. From when we first met the chemistry was very strong. We soon became embroiled in a full on intense physical relationship. It wa like we’d known each other in another life. Falling in love with her was easy. And it was the same for her. I quickly discover she was insecure and somewhat damaged from her previous toxic relationship. I thought I could ‘mend’ her with my stable and solid love. I was so wrong.

6 months on and shed prepared to relocate her job to be near me. Her plan was to rent a room to start with. I lived with my two kids and wasn’t ready for the step of living together. All good tho. I should mention at this stage there is her ex. It was a toxic relationship but the ex is constantly trying to win my gf back. By texts, sending a soppy song or by sending her flowers. It was hard for me but I never doubted my gfs love for me. We did have an intense emotional relationship and had our fair share of arguments. I found her difficult at these times but thought it would improve when she lived close to me and felt more secure. The weekend before she was due to move up we planned on going to snowden. A couple of days before she seemed more distant. Was still online after saying night to me on WhatsApp. Very unusual for her. I sensed something was up. She came to me for the weekend. She seemed distant. We drove up to snowden. Checked into the hotel. She had sex with me. She cried after. I asked her what was up. She said we’d chat later. During the chat she dumped me. I was in shock. My head reeling. That weekend she blocked me from most of the social media we shared. I found out a week later she’d friended her ex on Instagram. I rang her and confronted her about it. She said yes, she’d seen her ex. But yes she’d still taken the job near me and was now living two miles from my home. I haven’t had any contact with her two months on. Who is thought was the love of my life. She broke my heart.

[an0nym0us123]

Any time there is an ex on the scene trying to win her back is a red flag. She blocked you straight away but he could text in? Which means she wanted him to.

Walk, run and never look back. You will meet someone else and this will all be forgotten. Been there before.

[schlumpy]

Your main problem will be when she tries to come back. Be prepared for it.

[basil67]

I'm so sorry Tess. I know it doens't feel like it now, but you and your kids have dodged a bullet. All the love in the world won't fix someone who's broken. It's a journey they have to travel themselves when they are ready.

[mark clemson]

Agree. Maybe you were "just" a rebound, but I'm seeing some borderline-ish stuff here. Just my opinion.

 

You may love her, but part of that is the hot/cold/ups/downs - it intensifies your "need" for her (which isn't really a need at all, although it can sure feel like it).

 

If she does try to come back, suggest you do the hard thing and don't engage. Clear your head so you have room for someone healthier in your life (you can and should start this process now, as it can take a while). Your feelings will eventually fade.

 

Every relationship has a "chemistry" to it. Sometimes fireworks explode and that's that. Meanwhile a campfire can burn long with opportunities to keep adding fuel. A metaphor to think about...

[Tess155]

Thank you for all your replies, they help so much and I’ve taken something from everyone of them. You all talk with a lot of wisdom.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry, OP.

 

It sounds like she's on the path to reconciling with her ex. How long had they been broken up when you met her?

[Maddie82]

Your main problem will be when she tries to come back. Be prepared for it.

 

This is exactly what i was thinking. She has stayed near you so she will likely try to come back at some point, saying she made a mistake and wants to be with you. Don't fall for that because as long as that ex is in the background, nothing will change.

[Tess155]

I'm sorry, OP.

 

It sounds like she's on the path to reconciling with her ex. How long had they been broken up when you met her?

Hi, she said about 6 months. My ex gf had been depressed over the breakup with her ex and had counselling in the months before I met her...supposedly to get over her toxic ex. From what she said it was a horrible relationship. But she must have always loved her and throughout our relationship.

[Fekenaws]

6 months isn't long in the dating world. Personally, anything under a year I don't consider a serious relationship. I think you dodged a bullet.

 

From experience, no matter how nice/beta/friendly someone's past ex can be, I never want them around when I'm the one in a new relationship. A happy birthday here, a facebook like there. Sure, I'll even reciprocate. But as soon as it turns into texting and trying to hang out, big nope. Red flag

[ExpatInItaly]

Hi, she said about 6 months. My ex gf had been depressed over the breakup with her ex and had counselling in the months before I met her...supposedly to get over her toxic ex. From what she said it was a horrible relationship. But she must have always loved her and throughout our relationship.

 

It might have been a horrible relationship. That, unfortunately, does often not deter the truly broken-hearted from wanting their ex back.

 

If she was so depressed over the break-up that she attended counselling, she probably should have taken much more time to heal than 6 months.

 

I am sure she liked you, but this was a rebound relationship for her.

[Tess155]

It might have been a horrible relationship. That, unfortunately, does often not deter the truly broken-hearted from wanting their ex back.

 

If she was so depressed over the break-up that she attended counselling, she probably should have taken much more time to heal than 6 months.

 

I am sure she liked you, but this was a rebound relationship for her.

 

Yes, I think you’re probably right, it’s hard for me to process but looking back she was over the top with her affections in an unbalanced way, but I was needy of it and it clouded my judgement somewhat. Almost too good to be true except when she lost her temper and became verbally aggressive towards me. Shame I got mixed up with her and her messy love life!! Next time I’ll take red flags very seriously.

Thanks for taking the time to reply and your comments have been so helpful to me.

[Tess155]

Ok, thought I’d update. I bumped into her a few weeks ago. I’ve learned a lot about what she did and we are back together. I am worried as the trust is broken but I love her. Is this a lost cause?? Or maybe we have a good chance now as everything has been laid bare.

[ExpatInItaly]

Ok, thought I’d update. I bumped into her a few weeks ago. I’ve learned a lot about what she did and we are back together. I am worried as the trust is broken but I love her. Is this a lost cause?? Or maybe we have a good chance now as everything has been laid bare.

 

What did she do?

 

This is a risky venture, no matter how you slice it. It always is when giving things a second chance, especially when an ex was in the background of the previous break-up.

 

What steps are you both taking to ensure this time around is more successful?

[Tess155]

What did she do?

 

This is a risky venture, no matter how you slice it. It always is when giving things a second chance, especially when an ex was in the background of the previous break-up.

 

What steps are you both taking to ensure this time around is more successful?

Yes I know it’s risky. Yes it’s messy. Things were up and down between us and became too much for her. She was moving up to be near me but also my family....not all that accepting of her. Her ex was controlling in their relationship and I think she turned back to it because she wasn’t coping with us, maybe she had to satisfy herself that she could/couldn’t make it work with her ex. Her ex was promising everything to her. She said she knew it was a big mistake after a couple of weeks when she saw it was no different. They broke up after about 2 months. The ex even threatened suicide. My gf found it very stressful. It’s like the ex had something emotionally over her.

 

She is adamant she never wants anything to do with her again. On top of that my gf has found she has BPD. We don’t think she is that extreme with it but it does explain a lot. She has felt a mix of upset and relief in finding this out about herself and could not apologise and be more sorry for what she has put me through. I am quite a deep thinker and have obviously thought carefully about these events and why they’ve happened. I’m always looking for solutions and hope that we can come through this.

 

Of course part of me worries there are no guarantees and I’ll get hurt again.

[fromheart]

Well, let her go back to her toxic boyfriend who treats her like dirt. Clearly, she is not evolved enough to have a man who treats her well.

 

Avoid these women, they moan about the toxic men in their life, yet get drawn to them and unfortunately allow the a'hole gene to continue in the human race.

 

Don't be the male equivalent, don't choose to emotionally invest in toxic women. She's shown who she is now, develop the strength to withdraw your emotional investment when the deal turns sour.

[schlumpy]

Of course part of me worries there are no guarantees and I’ll get hurt again.

 

If you let her back in with any thing less then her throwing herself on the ground in front of you and begging forgiveness then get ready for the road to hell.

 

But you're a big boy. You can take your lumps.

[Tess155]

If you let her back in with any thing less then her throwing herself on the ground in front of you and begging forgiveness then get ready for the road to hell.

 

But you're a big boy. You can take your lumps.

 

Thanks for the reply!

 

Ps. I’m a woman. ?

[Tess155]

Well, let her go back to her toxic boyfriend who treats her like dirt. Clearly, she is not evolved enough to have a man who treats her well.

 

Avoid these women, they moan about the toxic men in their life, yet get drawn to them and unfortunately allow the a'hole gene to continue in the human race.

 

Don't be the male equivalent, don't choose to emotionally invest in toxic women. She's shown who she is now, develop the strength to withdraw your emotional investment when the deal turns sour.

 

Yes, thanks.

 

I’m a woman and her ex is a woman.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't know, OP.

 

Given what you have written about her and what's happened over the last few months, I think the likelihood of this reconciliation lasting a long time is low.

[Twizzlestick]

Hey OP what a painful story.

 

I don’t personally like people like that at all, all “me me me”. Every ex is toxic and abusive (are they though?). I’m getting less tolerant as I get older. Perhaps because everyone has a neat little excuse for behaving like a twonk these days, especially effective if they turn on the tears and throw a pity party in front of you

 

This kind of person branches from one person to the next and around and around for them. It’s not a balance. She’s not coming to you from a good place. She came to you originally to get some emotional goods, went back to her ex for emotional goods, exhausted that supply and now is coming back to you for more goods. Emotional shopping.

 

Wanna be drained like milk through a drinking straw? I honestly think that’s what you’re in for.

 

 

I know it’s agony but I can sense you’re still not out of the pain and this won’t fix itself. I urge you to listen to your gut during your time back together. If you’re still struggling and sensing something off then consider placing an end to it.

[schlumpy]

Thanks for the reply!

 

Ps. I’m a woman. ?

 

Do a mind flip and change it "You're a big Girl." It should apply.

[scooby-philly]

Hey OP,

 

I'm sorry for your pain and suffering and grief. My ex, who I thought was "the one" - dumped me 10.5 weeks ago - saying she didn't have time for a relationship and that she needed to do this "for herself" - 5 days later she's back on the dating website where we met looking for something "casual". It completely blind sided me.

 

No matter what we do and no matter how much we love someone, we are not meant to "fix" people - especially if they're not ready to be fixed and aren't putting in as much effort as you. It's terrible to realize that we may experience such a thing. But love doesn't win out. In my case my ex was a lot younger and just wasn't prepared for the intricacies of a mature, healthy relationship having come from a toxic family and still living at home in that toxic environment. I could not have made the relationship any easier nor could I have been more loving or supportive. Plus, I stayed after several episodes that most people would have left after. On top of that she had no real dating experience and was very insecure and very emotionally immature. I didn't stand a chance. But I learned to completely love someone and learned how to let someone love me fully.

 

Now for you, as someone who's still recovering I would encourage you to post here, rely on a great friend or family member or two to avoid having a relapse and breaking no contact. She might try to blame you for her moving or she might just simply try to contact you if things break down with her ex. In either case it's not on you to take blame and it's not on your to expose yourself to more drama. Furthermore, anyone who's truly over their ex - especially by 6 months, will not tolerate being contacted, let alone bombed with gifts.

 

It sounds like you and I had a similar view of things. With my last relationship it was thinking of the future when it wouldn't be a long-distance relationship. For you, I think it was the same. As I learned with this last relationship - you have to accept people and the dynamic as they are NOW. If you're fighting NOW, if you're unhappy NOW, if you're not getting your needs met NOW, if you're not a great couple NOW, then nothing - even closing the physical gap - will guarantee things get better. I'm sure you said and did things you shouldn't have said and didn't say or do things you should have. If you tried your best and she still ran back to her ex - that's on her. Yes it hurts. Yes your mind may spend weeks, months trying to rationalize things, replay scenarios or ponder "what could I have done". Mine still does it and I'm hitting a second wall of depression. I had gone through similar things as my ex and would have loved her and been patient, loving, and supportive. But in the end, she's not ready to address her problems and I deserve to be treated better and I deserve someone who's effort and interest level matches my own.

 

Besides talking things out here and with trusted people in your life (and please, don't feel a burden. If they're truly your friends or family they will be there for you because they know you'd be there for them) if needed, try making a list and re-writing it as often as you need to to help reinforce the concepts in your brain - write one about what good qualities you have and bring to a relationship, write one about what wasn't good with this relationship and if you need to - write one about what was wrong with her. But don't keep that last list around too much - at some point switch it to "what I want in the future from a partner" and then eventually get rid of the second list so you just have a list of great things about you and then one about what you want/need in a partner.

[Highndry]

Bpd? Run....

[aukonak]

OP, I'd agree with other folks here. You're in for trouble down the road based on her attachment to her ex and the BPD, but I guess you already know that.

 

I'm very much in the same place as far as ex-dynamics and toxicity go, and I admit I'm expecting my now-ex-gf to come back and say had to give the ex one more go before moving on. Do you really want to be the one they come back to in that kind of circumstance? Where they basically caved to old tendencies only to realize you're the more stable future? How can you possibly be secure that she won't be sucked in again and bail on you if things get hard, or if her ex makes a strong play for her?