So much confusion...

[b-rye52]

Hey everyone. New poster here.

 

I'm a 34 guy and I've been married for almost 11 years. My wife and I tried, unsuccessfully, for years to have a child. Finally, we managed to get pregnant. She's 5 months pregnant now. There was always something nagging me in the back of my mind telling me I wasn't getting the physical attention I needed.

 

This all starts back when I met a woman at work (11 years my junior) through a mutual friend. She was pretty flirty from the get go complete with touching (massaging, little pokes here and there, finding pretty much any excuse to touch me) and, since my wife is rather conservative with the physical touching at home, I found myself oddly entranced by it. I wanted to say no, but I couldn't. It was something I was missing since we got married and I so badly craved it.

 

We texted every day for weeks, and saw each other at work, until one night she invited me over for the explicit reason of having oral sex. My wife, conservative as I mentioned before, was never into this type of activity, and I wrestled with the idea of accepting her offer for days. I finally accepted and, although filled with guilt and confusion, I drove to her house that night.

 

Afterwards I was overcome with guilt. What did this mean? Am I starting a new relationship with this woman or was this a one time thing? Am I so uninterested and unhappy in my current marriage that I seriously just did that? We continued to talk. I would make excuses to leave the house and go see her. My wife started to become suspicious and I told her not to worry. It wasn't only a sexual relationship that we developed. It had turned into one of the most honest and open relationships I've ever experienced. I hadn't even been this comfortable with my wife in the 15 years we'd been together. I told her things about myself that my wife doesn't even know. I craved the physical attention (not only sex, but she was an excellent cuddler.) We helped each other through various issues, including a pregnancy scare, and I told her all of the issues I'd been having with my marriage. She listened, better than my wife ever had about any issue I'd tried to bring up with her. My wife expects me to be the strong, resilient army father (I'm currently serving in the Army) and has told me several times to man-up.

 

The other woman knew I was married, and it bugged her that we were continuing this type of relationship. We decided we needed to just be friends, and keep it platonic. We tried several times to be in the same room together without it progressing to sex, and we were unsuccessful. I'd never experienced this before. I felt ashamed every time it happened, but my body was telling me it needed the physical attention.

 

The woman, about two weeks ago now, invited me over for the sole intention to break it off. She said if we can't see each other without it progressing to sex then we can't see each other. Period. After several nights texting back and forth, and me trying to convince her otherwise (to "give it once more chance, because I know we can do it!") she has told me the relationship isn't healthy and she doesn't even want to see me at work. I wasn't allowed to even acknowledge her presence. One of the times I said "How am I supposed to just pretend you don't exist at work?" and she replied "I guess we'll just try not to work together." She says she's "doing it for me." During our conversations she mentioned that things would be different if I wasn't married, and that drives me absolutely wild. Am I crazy enough to divorce my wife for the possibility of having more of what she's offering? I am so completely taken by this woman that I've now spiraled into a depression. I have an appointment to see a psychologist for the first time in my life. So now I'm left with some pretty massive issues:

 

1) The loss of one of the most real friendships I had ever experienced in my life.

2) The unfaithfulness toward my wife, especially while she's carrying my child, and

3) I'm completely lost in my marriage. I have so many questions and concerns and have no idea how to raise them to my wife.

 

Any advice here would be great. Thanks.

[Blind-Sided]

As above... you cheated. AND... the OW knew you were married, and didn't care. So her morals aren't exactly pure.

 

 

Do the right thing... divorce your wife, and go from there.

[Mr. Lucky]

Any advice here would be great. Thanks.

 

Well, the tough love, much deserved by the way, has already started.

 

b-rye52, your entire post seems to revolve around the idea that this new, exciting attention - oral sex!!! - is impossible to resist.

 

If you were to start a life with this new woman, would you someday accept that excuse from her?

 

BTW, is a person who invites a married co-worker over for a BJ who you really want to consider a future with?

 

Your wife sits at home pregnant with your child, conceived by choice. Wonder if she craves attention ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Blind-Sided]

OP... Mr Lucky's advice is always great... consider his words.

[b-rye52]

Let me start with a back story.

I've been married for 10 years and my wife is pregnant with our first child. I love her very much.

In the summer, I met the woman of my dreams when we started talking at work. I'm ashamed to admit it, but it developed into a bit more of a physical relationship. We (I and the other woman) struggled with this until we finally called it off after a few months when I admitted that I had feelings for her that I probably shouldn't have. During the time we weren't talking, I went into a pretty deep depression. I ended up getting psychological help.

 

We have now recently reconnected and feel like all the feelings I had for her are coming back, except this time she's got a boyfriend. We spent a couple of days together just as friends doing fun stuff, coffee and the likes. She has been completely honest with her boyfriend and told him everything that happened between us in the past. She told him that we had been spending time together, and he doesn't like that one bit. So she now feels like she can't spend time alone with me outside work, which kind of makes me furious. I just reestablished this friendship with her after all the **** I went through fixing myself the first time, and now I'm not allowed to see her at all? So now I am actually wondering what a life with her would be like. Is this infatuation or am I actually in love? I'm having a really hard time. What do you do when the woman of your dreams is, at this point, unattainable for several reasons?! Help!!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

No, you're not allowed to see her outside of work. In fact, one of you should find a new job. You're expecting a baby for crying out loud. What do you think your wife would say if she found out? Are you ready to have your life blown up? Divorce and child support aren't cheap.

[BaileyB]

You can not possibly compare your wife - the woman who has struggled through the trials and the stress of life and infertility with you - to the attention of an affair partner. The two do not even equate.

 

Without knowing anything about your wife, she is hands down the better person for the simple reason that she is not offering oral sex to a married man.

[preraph]

Look, your brain is supposed to tell your body what to do, not the other way around, so stop acting powerless here. I know you learned some discipline in the Army.

 

So you think you ought to abandon your wife and baby to go to a woman who knowingly went after a married man, all because you like BJs and she's a better cuddler? Think with your brain, Man.

[BaileyB]

Still reflecting on your post, your wife struggled for years to get pregnant and now that she is expecting your child, you cheat on her. That is the worst kind of betrayal for a woman.

 

If you are hoping to get a response that says you are entitled to leave your wife and go in search of oral sex and “the woman of your dreams” - you will be sadly disappointed.

 

If anything, you are entitled to divorce and to pay spousal and child support for the next 20 years of your life... continue on this path and that is exactly what will happen. If that is worth the risk of getting with a woman who you know has no respect for relationship boundaries before you even go on your first official “date...” Well then my friend, you will have created your own destiny... Good luck to you.

[spiritedaway2003]

I just reestablished this friendship with her after all the **** I went through fixing myself the first time, and now I'm not allowed to see her at all? So now I am actually wondering what a life with her would be like. Is this infatuation or am I actually in love? I'm having a really hard time. What do you do when the woman of your dreams is, at this point, unattainable for several reasons?! Help!!

 

You are not friends anymore once you two took it further. You did not just re-establish 'friendship' when you clearly want more. You're also married. You should pay attention to what's happening at home, instead of seeking the attention and physical affections somewhere else. What have you learned in your therapy?

 

I don't know what kind of response you're hoping to get here. If you feel like you've lost the "woman of your dreams", you will have to cope with it somehow because she's moved on apparently. You are getting some good reality check.

 

I might also ask why are you struggling to tell your wife that you need more physical affections? If you keep going down this path and you might end up divorced. Is that what you want?

[pepperbird]

My guess?

She's found another guy and isn't interested in being with you anymore.

What that you say? She wouldn't ever do that to you?

 

She would and likely is. What i can't understand is why you are surprised.

[pepperbird]

My guess?

She's found another guy and isn't interested in being with you anymore.

 

.

 

 

Looks like I was right.

 

OP, you claim you love your wife. If you loved her, you wouldn't treat her like this. If anything, you would be trying to make this time in her life as wonderful and stress free as possible. You can't even give her that.

[IslandSanctuary]

Neither you or her sounds like anyone that is fit to be in a relationship or can make a relationship work.

You don't deserve your wife. I don't think you're the type to tell her or even feel that guilty. I wouldn't even be your friend/casual acquaintance.

[mark clemson]

Hearing your story makes me glad I never let my EA go physical.

 

Possibly you have limerence for this woman? You might research it and see. If so it will be a traumatic next several months while it fades. Seeing as little as possible of her should help it fade sooner, but it takes a LONG time (several months minimally).

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

 

Whether it's limerence or not, since she found someone else what you need to do as far as she's concerned should be extremely obvious.

 

It sounds like you are unwilling to divorce your wife except to monkeybranch to this OW. If that's the case, get yourself tested for STDs ASAP if you haven't already.

 

Think about whether to tell her about the affair. It might well end in divorce. It might not. If you tell you need to be prepared for a wide range of possible outcomes.

 

If you stay (tell or no) it's pretty clear you need to work on getting your needs met in the marriage.

 

Things generally don't get any easier once you start having kids, so I suspect you have a tough road ahead of you. You haven't made it any easier by having this affair (like most of us).

[Mr. Lucky]

after all the **** I went through fixing myself the first time, and now I'm not allowed to see her at all?

 

So you’re all fixed, huh? And this is what being in control of your life looks like?

 

Nice try...

 

Given your attraction to this woman, doesn’t seem you derive much benefit or satisfaction from marriage or fatherhood. Why not end that sham and start a life on your own terms? I’m sure your wife would appreciate it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Buffer]

Sorry brother, but you have no boundaries for your marriage.

Your disrespecting your vows, your wife your other woman and your unborn child.

D your wife and save her the years of pain you will put her through, not to mention her life due to the chances of getting a STD/STI.

I see no remorse for your action, as soon as a young lady winks at you you are out the door. Stop thinking it’s the thing in your pants.

 

D your family good luck.

[pepperbird]

 

If you stay (tell or no) it's pretty clear you need to work on getting your needs met in the marriage.

 

 

 

This, right here, is a huge part of the OP's problem. He's too caught up in thinking about his needs, what he wants, how he feels.

 

He's going to be (or is) a new dad. His child needs be his focal point right now, and part of creating a happy and stable home for him or her is working to create a marriage that's satisfying to both him and his wife. He can't do that if he's this focused on himself.

 

I am highly dubious that he has in it him to be in a monogamous relationship. There's no shame in that, it's just not for him. The problem is that he's married, and monogamy is usually one of the cornerstones of a marriage. OP, I implore you to do a lot of soul searching. Do you really believe you can be faithful to your wife? If not, then please find a way to end your marriage in a manner that's the least painful to all involved. Infidelity has no place in the equation.

[ABernie]

Trying to be unbiased have you looked at all the scenarios?

 

* staying married and devoting yourself to it and your wife

* staying married, but stuck in the wonder that you let the love of your life get away

* divorce and win the OW back

* divorce and the OW does not want to go back to you

 

I'm sure there are others, but which of those could you accept?

 

I think it's clear that your situation is not in proper balance and you need to make a decision on your marriage one way or the other. People divorce all the time, just make sure it's for a reason you can live with.

[mark clemson]

BTW, if your family is based in the US and you're going to tell your wife about the affair, you should very strongly consider talking to a family attorney first (many will do free 1/2 hour consults). The reason is that in a handful of states, if there's a divorce due to an affair, the BS can sometimes sue the OW (called "alienation of affection").

 

So, if you or your AP are in a state with those laws, it's one more issue you should factor in to any decision.

[Amethyst68]

Tell your wife, she needs to get an STI test immediately. I don't care that you say it was just oral sex there are STIs that can harm your unborn child if they are passed on while your wife is pregnant.

 

As for you, you sound like a teenager, you're in your 30s, it's time to grow up and act like the adult you're supposed to be. This doesn't mean you have to stay married but at least deal with your issues like a mature man and don't cheat again. Own up to your actions and let you're wife make her own decisions with regards to her life.

[MountainGirl111]

It sounds like to me you love your wife but are not in love with her...however, she is pregnant with your child...so it's hard to give advice out here as to what you should do. Some are saying just divorce your wife. Well, because she is pregnant, that's a huge game changer on that front. I have a feeling that when your baby is born, you're going to have a change of heart. Especially if your wife turns out to be a good mother...that's priceless...this ole world needs more good mothers in it!. My best advice is to get some counseling or therapy, whatever you want to call it and see if you can spice up your married life as it sounds like it's currently less than fulfilling. Is that part of the reason you struggled getting pregnant? Are you simply turned off by your wife's pregnancy? I know some men who find pregnant women not sexy. Other men love it when their wives are pregnant because some pregnant women are more lusty especially during the second trimester (the 'glowing' months).

 

Anyways.....you haven't written very much about your wife. Tell us more about her...

[pepperbird]

just make sure it's for a reason you can live with.

 

 

That's the problem here. He's so focused on what he wants, what he feels he needs, what he desires that he's lost sight of the fact that it's not just him who has to live with the fallout of his choices. There's a least two other people who are along for the ride, like it or not.

 

Op, you don't sound like a bad guy. You do sound like a guy who just doesn't have it in him to be faithful. I'm not a believer in the nonsense lie that people, somehow solely by the function that they exist,are entitled to "happiness". Happiness is not an entitlement. It something you earn. Right now, you are not earning yours. instead you are asking others to pay the price, and sir, that's just not right.

[pepperbird]

I I have a feeling that when your baby is born, you're going to have a change of heart.

 

 

Most men I have met, even those who have cheated on their wives, would consider what the OP is doing to be at the lowest end of the scale. Most men who will step out on their pregnant wife don't stop cheating once their wife has the baby. If anything, it often ramps up. These men feel that they are entitled to their wife's complete and undivided attention 100 percent of the time, and if they don't get it, they feel that's fair reason to cheat.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Doesn't the military come down harshly on infidelity?

[Buffer]

Yes it does in the US military.