Obsessed with him wanking

[Annoyedandupset]

Hi, long long one I am afraid.

 

Before I start, apart from the problem detailed below, we have a very loving and happy relationship. He is very affectionate in all other ways and we have a great connection. BUT..

 

I have become obsessed with the fear of my partner masturbating. He has always been less bothered about sex. Says it has always been that way with all of his partners. He likes it when it happens (he doesn't have any problem with erection or orgasm) but equally he could go without, even said sex is boring (he says not to take this personally, he has felt this way since his late 20's and is nothing to do with me!). I suspect he has issues with sex himself. For example, he wont ever orgasm inside me.. always pulls out.. because he doesn't trust women in terms of 'accidental' pregnancy.

 

I have a higher sex drive than him and initiate it 9/10 times.

 

Apart from his marriage and subsequent divorce in his 20's, he has lived alone mostly apart from flings and a 1.5 year relationship. Consequently, when we first got together, I remember him saying on many occasions that whilst living alone he had developed/continued a habit of masturbating 1-2 times a day to porn, just because its a habit he got into, not something driven by feeling horny.

 

Until recently we lived separately and towards the end of last year I discovered (typical man leaving his pants everywhere) that all his pants had dried semen stains on them, like every single pair. I took this very personally, given he isn't interested in sex, and I nearly always initiate it. So I couldn't understand why he would masturbate if he claims he is that not bothered about sex/not sexually driven. I also thought maybe this was the reason that he wasn't interested in sex. So we had several long arguments and conversations. He said it was just a continued habit from living on his own up north (we initially had a long distance relationship until he moved in October last year), and that it was completely separate to sex and that he viewed it as different things I asked him if he could stop for a few weeks to see if it made any difference to his drive. Apart from being more 'up for it' when I started things, there wasn't a huge difference, although we did have sex a bit more.But I liked it because he seemed more turned on and just into it.

 

Fast forward to present day, he says he rarely does it now. Although says he looks at porn sometimes and doesnt always masturbate to it, just because its a habit since he was young.

 

He lives with me... we have sex, but I initiate it. The problem is now that I am so aware that he could do without sex and all the issues around it that I have become obsessed with the idea that he masturbates when I go out, and consequently I don't like spending lots of time separately.. or I try and have sex with him before I go out... and I still check his underwear sometimes. If he turns me down, I automatically assume it is because he has masturbated recently. The other week I found out he had and I was so upset, I completely overreacted.

 

I know this is not normal behaviour, but I also know his views on sex probably are not right either, but I think I need some sort of help to help me process my thoughts and stop being so ridiculous about the whole thing. I want to just relax about the whole issue, but I can't get it out of my mind.

 

Please could someone help

[pepperbird]

I'll give the same advice to you that I would to a man who was having issues with his wife.

 

If you've talked to him and you feel you have reached the end of the usefulness of discussing the issue, then you may be left with a few choices.

 

You can choose to stay and accept and love him for who and what he is. Someone's sexual nature is part of who they are.

 

You can choose to stay and try and change him.

 

You can choose to stay and get counseling

 

 

You can choose to leave because, even though you love him, you and he are mismatched at a very fundamental level. That doesn't make the relationship a failure or mean that you both didn't try. It also doesn't make you a bad person.

 

I don't know which is best for you, but I do question the sense in trying to change him so that he wants sex more if he's just not interested.

[Blind-Sided]

1 or 2 times a day... poor boy is dry. But, with what you are saying... I think fear of having a kid may be getting in the way.

 

 

I'm not sure what to say to make things better other than to talk very bluntly with him, and that he may need some counseling to help him past his intimacy issues.

[oldtruck]

Sorry to say he has a porn addiction. He has cut back on watching

and M'bing. Though that is not the same as quitting porn and M'bing.

 

His sex drive will never return unless he gives up porn. Such a long time

of porn abuse will take his brain a minimum of six months to detox

from using porn. Maybe up to a year.

[preraph]

It's classic porn addiction. He finds porn more exciting than real sex. He's being smart about not taking chances with pregnancy, can't fault him for that, and it's not anything that should inconvenience you.

[anika99]

There seems to be a few issues going on here. First there are the contradictions in what your bf says verses what he does. While reading the first couple of paragraphs of your post I didn't see anything alarming in what you were saying, I thought your bf was being truthful and that he just naturally had a low interest in sex and a low sex drive. That is normal for some people.

 

But then you said while he had low sexual interest in you he was watching porn and masturbating 1-2 times a day, which means he definitely does not have a low sex drive, he just prefers porn and masturbation to having sex with another person. Could be something that developed when he was single a long time so in that way he is likely telling the truth. However it is not true when he says he doesn't get horny and he has little sex drive. A person who masturbates every day has a healthy sex drive. However he has a sexual preference for masturbation and porn.

 

Now all that being said, trying to police and monitor somebody's masturbation or trying to forbid a partner from masturbating is insane. Masturbation is normal and healthy and most people can masturbate and still have great sex with their partner. How much does his masturbation truly affect your sex life? I once tried to have a relationship with someone who truly leaned towards being asexual and we would only engage in sex maybe once every 1-2 months. I tried to initiate more sex but he would just reject me.It sounds like you are having a lot more sex than that and that your only issue is that he waits for you to initiate. Is that a deal breaker?

 

Trying to control another person is always unhealthy behavior. Even if what you are trying to control a behaviour that is truly bad. Like most people agree that drug addiction is bad and most people don't want to be with a drug addict, however nobody would say that trying to police and control a drug addict is a good way to have a romantic relationship. Having been in a longterm relationship with an alcoholic I know from experience that trying to control another adult's behavior is a lost cause and a good way to drive yourself mad.

 

You have told your boyfriend what makes you unhappy about this situation and he's fully aware of your feelings and desires so you don't need to keep obsessing over it. You let him make his own decisions and then you decide if you can accept his choices or not. If you can't accept the fact that he masturbates sometimes and that he may even have a preference for masturbation and he can't or won't change that, then maybe this is not the relationship for you. Maybe you need to think about moving on. I broke up with the guy I mentioned before, the one who only wanted to have sex every other month. I was with him for 2yrs and I loved him but I could no longer deal with the sexual rejection. It was taking a huge toll on me mentally and emotionally so even though the breakup hurt a ton I knew it was the right thing for me to do. It was a relief to finally be able to let go of obsessing over a problem which I couldn't fix or control.

 

Stop trying to control your boyfriend and control yourself instead.

[preraph]

Above, when I said "it's not anything that should inconvenience you," I meant pulling out, not his porn addiction. He needs to totally stop porn, but all he'll do is hide it and lie about it instead.

[Annoyedandupset]

Thank you for your replies so far..

 

Just to clarify a few things - he said the wanking once a day was something that stopped a while after moving back. Doesn't do it any more... only occasionally. Having to trust him on this one although as you will see from my first post, I don't appear to be doing very well at it.. He maintains he doesn't do it often at all any more.

 

With my initiation, we have sex between 1-3 times a week, it varies .. but the average is once or twice. Pretty certain that if I didn't initiate it wouldn't happen at all on a weekly basis. He said he would be content with monthly! Weirdly, if he ever initiates, it is whilst he is asleep in the early hours of the morning around 4/5am!

 

Agreed on the withdrawal thing, it isn't a huge deal but I do think it odd- I haven't ever encountered it with a partner before. One thing that is odd however, he can only orgasm in one position - missionary. He says this is because he can 'thrust' and get the speed he wants. I asked if it has always this way and he said no, something that came with time as he got older. I do think this is weird... he also cannot come from hand job or blow jobs because he says he is 'too in his head', and not as sensitive as he was when younger (long story but he had to have some sort of acid poured on his penis as a result of contracting genital warts from a very inconsiderate woman).

[elaine567]

Women tend to like being desired and needed sexually.

By you initiating 90% of the time, you are not getting the buzz of being desired by your man.

You initiate, he complies, you initiate, he turns you down - great fun...

He actually prefers porn and masturbation to having sex with you and that is soul destroying. If he desired and wanted to have sex with you he would initiate.

You want to clear out your "rival" and have him desire you alone, but that is impossible as he is now hard wired into seeing porn and his hand as preferable to having sex with a real live woman.

He is not going to turn into some stud in the bedroom, he is in fact a "wanker"... literally.

 

Not a lot you can do here.

Three choices

a) put up and shut up

b) leave him and go find a man who does want to have sex with you

c) open up your relationship, overtly or covertly

 

As he is just your bf I suggest b)

Life is too short for this nonsense.

[oldtruck]

Thank you for your replies so far..

 

Just to clarify a few things - he said the wanking once a day was something that stopped a while after moving back. Doesn't do it any more... only occasionally. Having to trust him on this one although as you will see from my first post, I don't appear to be doing very well at it.. He maintains he doesn't do it often at all any more.

 

With my initiation, we have sex between 1-3 times a week, it varies .. but the average is once or twice. Pretty certain that if I didn't initiate it wouldn't happen at all on a weekly basis. He said he would be content with monthly! Weirdly, if he ever initiates, it is whilst he is asleep in the early hours of the morning around 4/5am!

 

Agreed on the withdrawal thing, it isn't a huge deal but I do think it odd- I haven't ever encountered it with a partner before. One thing that is odd however, he can only orgasm in one position - missionary. He says this is because he can 'thrust' and get the speed he wants. I asked if it has always this way and he said no, something that came with time as he got older. I do think this is weird... he also cannot come from hand job or blow jobs because he says he is 'too in his head', and not as sensitive as he was when younger (long story but he had to have some sort of acid poured on his penis as a result of contracting genital warts from a very inconsiderate woman).

 

If he is alright with not wanting sex then he should not be having the

urge to masturbate. Or the need to masturbate.

 

Every solo release he gives himself is him depleting sexual energy on

everything else but you.

 

He is not a man that his wife is sick and he has not gotten laid in few days

and his wife will not be well enough to have sex for a few more days so

he gives himself a release to tide him over to his wife is ready.

 

He is a porn addict. No way around this fact. No more handjobs from

Rose Palm or Mary Hand for him. When in a sexual relationship his energy

is to be for ones partner.

[mark clemson]

I think you're perhaps seeing why he's been single for so long. Think the advice above is good and most suggestions make sense as possible choices.

 

There is an alternative you could try, IF you think you'd actually like it. Not sure if you would. It's sort of a compromise:

 

You could insist that on certain days (e.g. weekends) he forego masturbation and specifically ask him to initiate sex within a timeframe. For example:

 

No masturbation Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Sometime Saturday or Sunday (or both) you (BF) must initiate sex.

 

You could try insisting on this or a similar setup and see if a) he'll play along and b) it actually works for both of you.

 

The rest of the time, he can masturbate as desired and/or you can initiate sex if you feel like it.

 

No guarantee this will work, but think it or something similar might be worth trying if you wish to salvage things.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's classic porn addiction. He finds porn more exciting than real sex.

 

Not sure about "exciting", I'd guess he finds porn easier and less intimidating than real sex. For someone with his background, the OP's drive might be a challenge he's not up to.

 

I think you're perhaps seeing why he's been single for so long.

 

Amen...

 

Mr,. Lucky

[Veronica73]

I kind of doubt making a rule that he has to initiate sex on certain days of the week is going to make the OP feel much better about things. Also, it seems like it is coercive towards him.

[mark clemson]

Well, I'm emphatically not suggesting she use or threaten force to accomplish this. It is a way for her to take charge of the situation, though. Some men respond well to things like this, others don't. No way I think to tell unless she tries it.

[mark clemson]

Also agree that this sort of thing is not for everyone.

[oldtruck]

I think you're perhaps seeing why he's been single for so long. Think the advice above is good and most suggestions make sense as possible choices.

 

There is an alternative you could try, IF you think you'd actually like it. Not sure if you would. It's sort of a compromise:

 

You could insist that on certain days (e.g. weekends) he forego masturbation and specifically ask him to initiate sex within a timeframe. For example:

 

No masturbation Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Sometime Saturday or Sunday (or both) you (BF) must initiate sex.

 

You could try insisting on this or a similar setup and see if a) he'll play along and b) it actually works for both of you.

 

The rest of the time, he can masturbate as desired and/or you can initiate sex if you feel like it.

 

No guarantee this will work, but think it or something similar might be worth trying if you wish to salvage things.

 

Do you tell an alcoholic you can drink MTWT but not FSS?

Same for a coke head?

How about a heroin addict?

 

This man is a porn addict.

He is doing porn instead of him doing his own wife.

 

He is that horny and he needs a release he has a willing, able,

and ready wife that is horny and needs to be taken care of.

 

He is making the porn stars his OW and his spouse the BW.

[elaine567]

You could insist that on certain days (e.g. weekends) he forego masturbation and specifically ask him to initiate sex within a timeframe. For example:

No masturbation Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Sometime Saturday or Sunday (or both) you (BF) must initiate sex.

You could try insisting on this or a similar setup and see if a) he'll play along and b) it actually works for both of you.

The rest of the time, he can masturbate as desired and/or you can initiate sex if you feel like it.

 

She wants him to want her, to desire her, to get turned on by her, to be desperate for her.

She doesn't want to put him on a roster to force him to initiate sex with her...

That is even more humiliating for her than what is occurring at the moment.

[mark clemson]

You are welcome to your view, and may indeed be right (you often are), but how about letting the OP speak and/or decide whether to try this?

 

OT, you also may indeed be correct. However, it seems like telling this guy to quit may simply end up in him leaving. I could be wrong, but it's not clear to me that OP wants to force him to choose between her and what he's clearly very used to. Might end up ending the R. (Then again, perhaps she doesn't want to remain in it if he's going to stay this way.)

 

If we assume it's an addiction, my approach also offers an alternative to cold-turkey. Although I had not considered it, my suggestion could be part of a staged plan to "titrate him down" from masturbation IF OP wishes to consider that.

 

Don't know how realistic that is, but something to consider. I do know that if my wife told me to stop masturbating, I'd basically insist that she help me come one way or another on most days (or let me find someone else who I can be happy with). Not sure if OP's BF would insist on this or not.

[oldtruck]

You are welcome to your view, and may indeed be right (you often are), but how about letting the OP speak and/or decide whether to try this?

 

OT, you also may indeed be correct. However, it seems like telling this guy to quit may simply end up in him leaving. I could be wrong, but it's not clear to me that OP wants to force him to choose between her and what he's clearly very used to. Might end up ending the R. (Then again, perhaps she doesn't want to remain in it if he's going to stay this way.)

 

If we assume it's an addiction, my approach also offers an alternative to cold-turkey. Although I had not considered it, my suggestion could be part of a staged plan to "titrate him down" from masturbation IF OP wishes to consider that.

 

Don't know how realistic that is, but something to consider. I do know that if my wife told me to stop masturbating, I'd basically insist that she help me come one way or another on most days (or let me find someone else who I can be happy with). Not sure if OP's BF would insist on this or not.

 

Known fact is that an addict will not come clean by still getting

their drug of choice.

[gaius]

There is no such thing as porn addiction. On some level you realize he's not that into you sexually, but you kind of brush it to the side in your head. Him wanking off is a blunt reminder of the truth so it's hurtful and bothersome. Which makes sense.

 

I guess you just have to figure out whether you're going to be comfortable in a relationship with a man who's not that into it sexually, because no matter what you're always going to get subtle, and sometimes blunt, reminders.

[mark clemson]

Known fact is that an addict will not come clean by still getting their drug of choice.

 

 

?? I'm confused, OT. It's a well known fact that titration (aka tapering) is common in drug addiction treatment.

 

Here's a representative link (one of many you can find with a quick internet search):

 

https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/treatment-program/related/drug-tapering/

 

So, actually giving the drug of choice (in gradually lower doses) is a very common approach.

[Mr. Lucky]

There is no such thing as porn addiction.

 

Agree it seems every guy who selfishly and/or excessively gets into sex or masturbation is labeled - or claims to be - a sex or porn addict. Sometimes they’re just obliviously self-centered.

 

But I’m not sure this is a case of limited attraction to the OP. If her BF has been truthful about his history, he may simply not be able to handle the interface with a partner...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MsJayne]

He may just be asexual. Likes to be in a relationship but doesn't need sex with a partner.

 

https://www.bustle.com/articles/69299-am-i-asexual-7-facts-you-should-know-about-this-commonly-misunderstood-orientation

[olivetree]

If he was asexual, I don't think he'd be getting turned on by porn.

[oldtruck]

?? I'm confused, OT. It's a well known fact that titration (aka tapering) is common in drug addiction treatment.

 

Here's a representative link (one of many you can find with a quick internet search):

 

https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/treatment-program/related/drug-tapering/

 

So, actually giving the drug of choice (in gradually lower doses) is a very common approach.

 

Methadone is just substituting one drug for another.

 

Weaning down does not work for alcoholics.