Sexual compatibility issues?

[Biscous]

Backstory: Both my GF and I are in our mid 30s. She is a few years older than me. I would say we are both quite active/athletic people as well. She is a very thoughtful, mindful person. An overall kindhearted and loving woman. Been dating her close to a year and issues with sex have been starting to frustrate me. She addressed issues before about our sex life saying it was repetitive, so what did I do? Try new positions, more spontaneity, etc. which really satisfied her. We even had a mini trip in the summer which was great for our relationship and sex.

 

Some of my minor issues with her when it comes to sex have started to become frustrations in my head. I will explain a few:

 

- I am a vocal guy during sex. I love dirty talk, not to the point of degrading talk but definitely dirty. She moans a lot and rarely talks. I've given her opportunities to talk with my line of talking and she will just say "Mmmhm" or nothing at all. This throws me off and her lack of reciprocation definitely makes me self conscious.

 

- Even worse at times instead of talking she will giggle and laugh during sex. I know sex is fun and all but this kills my rhythm at times and I feel it's sometimes inappropriate and annoying.

 

- I go down on her. She likes being ate out. She doesn't reciprocate as much to me. She said she likes when she wants to do it, not when I tell her.

 

- The reason I started going down on her more is that it sometimes takes her a while to get wet. I don't know if this is medication related or not. She was on birth control for a while and now she isn't. Sometimes me going down and having to wait combined with many times her not being vocal or playing with me I start getting soft so that can be frustrating.

 

Last night we had really good sex but sometimes we may have times where we are trying to decide who gets what position. I have found out she loves being on top and I oblige her. I personally love doggy and she gets into it. So I was eating her pussy/ass from behind and I spit on them a few times. She said something about my "germs" when I was doing that to what she later said she was simply giving me a hard time...but I thought what the hell? I later told her that sex is uninhibited for me and I will do almost anything.

 

Anyway I'm trying to find a way to address this to her because otherwise the relationship is really good. She is very mindful of me. She is also the type to put in action for things rather than saying things which I really love about her, but I REALLY have to get this sex thing straight or otherwise things will get frustrating and knowing me I will probably resent her for it.

[preraph]

If a woman is going to orgasm, she's got to relax and let it happen, not be reciting a script for you. She isn't into that, probably doesn't even like the distraction of it, but sounds like otherwise your sex lives are varied and your nonsex life is good, so I'd stop going for what you consider perfection on your end or she'll get tired of it altogether.

 

I wouldn't be spitting on her either. That's a porn humiliation thing. Not saying there isn't someone out there who's okay with it, but I've never heard one woman in my 67 years say, "I like to be spit on" or "I like to be shot on." Not one. I'd stop that.

[Els]

- Dirty talk is really challenging for a lot of people. Personally, if I'm really in the zone and close to orgasm, I'm not going to be able to form any sort of coherent sentence, let alone a dirty one. "What's 2+2?" Is a super hard question in that state of mind, lol. This is something that I'd strongly recommend you compromise on unless it's your #1 need.

 

 

 

- Sex for us does actually involve some laughing. If that's not the way you like it, that's fine, but let her know.

 

 

- Fair concern re: oral.

 

 

- It's perfectly normal for women to take a while to get wet. Cunnilingus does not typically involve direct stimulation to the penis if you're not in 69, same with BJs and the clit. Why is it a problem if you get soft? Can't you get it up again later?

 

 

Basically, I think you should pick 2 of these points that are most important to you, and broach them to her during a non sexual time.

[Biscous]

If a woman is going to orgasm, she's got to relax and let it happen, not be reciting a script for you. She isn't into that, probably doesn't even like the distraction of it, but sounds like otherwise your sex lives are varied and your nonsex life is good, so I'd stop going for what you consider perfection on your end or she'll get tired of it altogether.

 

I wouldn't be spitting on her either. That's a porn humiliation thing. Not saying there isn't someone out there who's okay with it, but I've never heard one woman in my 67 years say, "I like to be spit on" or "I like to be shot on." Not one. I'd stop that.

 

I would like her to at least go half way with me. I can tone it down on my end, but you have to understand that sex to me is communication on another level. It's not just me desiring her on a physical level but also emotional. I'm just a sexual person.

 

What I was doing was actually spitting on her vagina and licking it. I mean...we are already exchanging bodily fluids here.

 

Also on the porn thing, she has explicitly told me she likes my hand around her neck and I've obliged. Sex is such an abstract concept and sometimes out of the norms of what we deem acceptable.

[Biscous]

- Dirty talk is really challenging for a lot of people. Personally, if I'm really in the zone and close to orgasm, I'm not going to be able to form any sort of coherent sentence, let alone a dirty one. "What's 2+2?" Is a super hard question in that state of mind, lol. This is something that I'd strongly recommend you compromise on unless it's your #1 need.

 

 

 

- Sex for us does actually involve some laughing. If that's not the way you like it, that's fine, but let her know.

 

 

- Fair concern re: oral.

 

 

- It's perfectly normal for women to take a while to get wet. Cunnilingus does not typically involve direct stimulation to the penis if you're not in 69, same with BJs and the clit. Why is it a problem if you get soft? Can't you get it up again later?

 

 

Basically, I think you should pick 2 of these points that are most important to you, and broach them to her during a non sexual time.

 

 

Honestly the last part about her taking a while to warm up is the least of my concern. I think the confluence of the other things...like not encouraging me with dirty talk is what is frustrating. I know she's in it, but I like to know my partner is present in the moment. Am I making sense there?

 

The oral thing I think she's being slightly selfish in this aspect. She has said she likes when I go down on her and I knew this beforehand. I actually stopped doing it for a while to see if she would initiate or do it for me. She would a bit but not always.

 

Laughing I don't mind as much and I would, but if laughing and moaning is the only feedback I get then it just becomes frustrating to me.

 

I really think she struggles with dirty talk or feels like she's put on the spot when I do it or I ask of it, which I totally understand. I just want her to know that she can be safe around me. I've tried to do some sexting and frankly she's not much of a sexter. I just find talk on that level as a way to build anticipation, passion, and desire. Sex without that is just wham, bam, thank you ma'am.

 

For someone that's biligual I think she'd be able to conjure up something in that respect

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I REALLY have to get this sex thing straight or otherwise things will get frustrating and knowing me I will probably resent her for it.

 

But she's not doing anything wrong.

[Els]

Personally, I am most "present in the moment" when I'm in the zone where my entire brain is taken over by my desires and I can't do much more than moan. If I retained the mental faculties to actually talk, I would be LEAST present in the moment, if that makes sense.

 

 

 

You're certainly within your rights to like what you like, but I'm trying to explain that you seem to be conflating dirty talk with being present or engaged, which for many of us are polar opposites.

 

 

 

For the oral, what about just doing more 69?

[Biscous]

But she's not doing anything wrong.

 

I know she isn't but I've seen this played out before in certain aspects. Not just sex.

 

Personally, I am most "present in the moment" when I'm in the zone where my entire brain is taken over by my desires and I can't do much more than moan. If I retained the mental faculties to actually talk, I would be LEAST present in the moment, if that makes sense.

 

You're certainly within your rights to like what you like, but I'm trying to explain that you seem to be conflating dirty talk with being present or engaged, which for many of us are polar opposites.

 

For the oral, what about just doing more 69?

 

She actually likes 69 and I think that would be fun. I just sometimes don't do it.

 

Also thanks for explaining that to me. I think sometimes we can perceive things incorrectly which can cause problems. I believe I can tell when she's present and I KNOW she is is into me sexually. Just sometimes I feel that she may not be present, and that could be my own incorrect assessment. I just know that can make me feel insecure like "Is she into me? Does she find me sexually attractive?". I am so good at overthinking to my detriment.

 

Thanks for your help.

Edited September 4, 2019 by Biscous

[elaine567]

I just want her to know that she can be safe around me.

But is she safe around you?

You are demanding dirty talk and sexting and BJs, all of which she is obviously reluctant to do.

Does she have no say in the matter?

People tend to do what they like doing, if you impose stipulations, then it all becomes, work, a chore...

[Biscous]

But is she safe around you?

You are demanding dirty talk and sexting and BJs, all of which she is obviously reluctant to do.

Does she have no say in the matter?

People tend to do what they like doing, if you impose stipulations, then it all becomes, work, a chore...

 

She certainly can say that but she hasn't said no. I think in the course of the year I only brought up dirty talk sternly when she said she feels that our sex becomes routine and repetitive i.e. doing the same positions. She felt bad about saying it and of course I felt self conscious, but I actually worked on improving it and sought out advice on it and it helped!

 

I mentioned that I wish she would talk dirty to me more then. Other times I've played around her in the bed and maybe said something dirty to see if she would reciprocate. I haven't been adamant or forceful in my requests. The BJ thing I really haven't even brought up to her.

 

Also there have been times where she has been too tired for sex and I didn't shame or insult her for it. In fact she has applauded me before for not being forceful in that regard. I am also not the type to demand a blowjob when she's on her period or something like that.

 

Right now we have sex 2-3 times a week which I think we are both fine with. Our frequency of sex hasn't gone down despite some of the things I've mentioned.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I mentioned that I wish she would talk dirty to me more then.

 

Do you totally disbelieve that maybe she just can't think of what to say? You seem to not want to believe that it doesn't come as easy to some people as it does to you. What if she becomes more game but can only think of like 2 or 3 things to say and says them over and over.....will you then press her to be more original and think of more dirty things to say?

 

I guess what I am asking is do you still want her to do it even if she's really bad at it?

[Biscous]

Do you totally disbelieve that maybe she just can't think of what to say? You seem to not want to believe that it doesn't come as easy to some people as it does to you. What if she becomes more game but can only think of like 2 or 3 things to say and says them over and over.....will you then press her to be more original and think of more dirty things to say?

 

I guess what I am asking is do you still want her to do it even if she's really bad at it?

 

No - I truly think the issue is that she feels awkward doing it around me as though if she doesn't say the right thing that I will judge her or something. I frankly have tried things with her outside of sex like yoga and formal dancing which I'm frankly bad at. But the thing is that I've tried. I think she appreciates that. Also her doing it for me whether or not it was silly or whatever would mean a lot to me because it's just us in the bedroom together enjoying one another.

 

Also no I wouldn't press her more and more.

[elaine567]

Also her doing it for me whether or not it was silly or whatever would mean a lot to me because it's just us in the bedroom together enjoying one another.

 

Ok but if it was enjoyable for her, would she not just have jumped at the chance to do it?

She is mid thirties not 18, I guess she will have sussed out by now what works for her sexually. In the same way you have.

If some woman was yelling dirty talk in your ear and you didn't like it or found it off putting I doubt you would want to join in.

You have given her the opportunity, she declined, you have to leave it there.

[HiCrunchy]

No - I truly think the issue is that she feels awkward doing it around me as though if she doesn't say the right thing that I will judge her or something. I frankly have tried things with her outside of sex like yoga and formal dancing which I'm frankly bad at. But the thing is that I've tried. I think she appreciates that. Also her doing it for me whether or not it was silly or whatever would mean a lot to me because it's just us in the bedroom together enjoying one another.

 

Also no I wouldn't press her more and more.

 

Maybe dirty talk is a turn-off for her and she doesn't really enjoy it?

I personally hate being degraded in sex. Anything that too explicit gets me out of the mood. I feel like I'm being used like an object and I don't like it.

 

I prefer moaning and less talking. Plus I wanna look at their face and eyes. Listen to ur voice and breathlessness, begging more more. The panting....Maybe the occasional, "Does that feel good", "Ur so cute" or "I really want you", or "I love you" comment. Sex thats more caring in a sense. Different strokes for different folks. Maybe ur gf is like me?

 

In terms of the bjs: Well fair concern. I would opt for telling her you are okay with her not doing the dirty talk if she is willing to go down on you. She might say nah but worth a shot

Edited September 4, 2019 by HiCrunchy

[Biscous]

Maybe dirty talk is a turn-off for her and she doesn't really enjoy it?

 

I personally hate being degraded in sex. Anything that too explicit gets me out of the mood. I feel like I'm being used like an object and I don't like it.

 

I prefer moaning and less talking. Plus I wanna look at their face and eyes. Listen to ur voice and breathlessness, begging more more. The panting....Maybe the occasional, "Does that feel good", "Ur so cute" or "I really want you", or "I love you" comment. Sex thats more caring in a sense. Different strokes for different folks. Maybe ur gf is like me?

 

In terms of the bjs: Well fair concern. I would opt for telling her you are okay with her not doing the dirty talk if she is willing to go down on you. She might say nah but worth a shot

 

Dirty talk doesn't necessarily imply degrading your partner. I'm not calling my girlfriend a bitch or slut. I've only been into one girl that likes that sort of stuff and called herself a bitch. I'm take it or leave it with that sort of stuff. I recall her saying how horrible she felt with an ex she reconnected with calling her a slut (in other words) and how that resonated with her negatively so I'm sensitive to that.

 

A simple "Oh baby that feels so good." or something would be lovely.

 

Even the "I want you" or "I love you." which we say outside of sex, but why would I say something like that if she makes me feel like it won't be reciprocated?!

 

BJ's I'll think about.

[Kellens]

I also have a problem communicating during sex. I never talked during sex until my current boyfriend and I'm 39. He has gotten me comfortable with saying a few things but I'm still not a fan of it for the most part. It is difficult for me to orgasm and talking totally ruins my concentration and can be frustrating at times. I do enjoying turning my boyfriend on though so I try for him but it honestly awkward for me at least half the time. He says something to me every now and then about it but it's mostly after sex and in the form of a compliment. He'll say he loves it when we talk to each other and it makes sex that much better for him. He knows I feel awkward but gently encouraging me usually works. Perhaps its your approach to her?

 

I have also giggled or let out a little laugh during sex because of a noise he has made or if we aren't going at the same pace. I think he got annoyed with me one time but I just kiss him and keep on going after. It's all about being comfortable and trusting your partner.

[Biscous]

I also have a problem communicating during sex. I never talked during sex until my current boyfriend and I'm 39. He has gotten me comfortable with saying a few things but I'm still not a fan of it for the most part. It is difficult for me to orgasm and talking totally ruins my concentration and can be frustrating at times. I do enjoying turning my boyfriend on though so I try for him but it honestly awkward for me at least half the time. He says something to me every now and then about it but it's mostly after sex and in the form of a compliment. He'll say he loves it when we talk to each other and it makes sex that much better for him. He knows I feel awkward but gently encouraging me usually works. Perhaps its your approach to her?

 

I have also giggled or let out a little laugh during sex because of a noise he has made or if we aren't going at the same pace. I think he got annoyed with me one time but I just kiss him and keep on going after. It's all about being comfortable and trusting your partner.

 

Are you my girlfriend?

 

Totally my experience and very similar to my experiences during sex. I do say complimentary things and I will say it totally turns me on saying certain things. I recall her saying something when we were at the pool about something about me. It wasn't necessarily sexual but what and how she said it made me hard and wanted her on the spot!

 

Also yeah I've been annoyed with her too but I do love her and want her to enjoy it. I never have sex was about me, but rather about us. I'd like to encourage her more and just have fun together.

[preraph]

Everyone's different but I've said on here many times that it's a pet peeve of mine if right when I finally get in the zone where I could orgasm, at which point, I am NOT mentally present, I really hate when a guy ruins it by talking or asking questions or prodding me to come faster. It's a total turnoff. Can't they see I'm in the zone? Why do some men think badgering a woman is going to make her get off? Leaving her alone relaxed and continuing to touch whatever is working is the way to get a woman off, not trying to have a conversation or get her to dirty talk or saying things she has to stay alert to listen to or always changing positions right when she might be about to get off.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

A simple "Oh baby that feels so good." or something would be lovely.

 

Well, that's not really dirty talk, so if that's all you're after, I agree she can compromise and do at least that much.

 

Curious, did you keep going to Yoga and formal dancing even though you didn't like it?

[Biscous]

Well, that's not really dirty talk, so if that's all you're after, I agree she can compromise and do at least that much.

 

Curious, did you keep going to Yoga and formal dancing even though you didn't like it?

Yeah maybe I just meant talking in general instead of moaning and at times laughing.

 

Well...I don't dislike it. I actually like yoga but I'm just not good at it. Same with dancing. She's done formal dancing and stuff. I'm just not good at it but I've done them more than once, but then again she didn't force me or anything I was willing to try it because I know that it's important to her. Maybe I'm comparing apples to oranges here.

[RecentChange]

Personally, I am most "present in the moment" when I'm in the zone where my entire brain is taken over by my desires and I can't do much more than moan. If I retained the mental faculties to actually talk, I would be LEAST present in the moment, if that makes sense.

 

You're certainly within your rights to like what you like, but I'm trying to explain that you seem to be conflating dirty talk with being present or engaged, which for many of us are polar opposites.

 

For the oral, what about just doing more 69?

 

This. If I am REALLY enjoying myself, if I experiencing intense pleasure, I can’t talk.

 

My husband likes to dirty talk and the most I can muster is some sort of primal sound in return.

 

And thinking straight enough to put together sentences or even answers.... nope, not really happening.

 

I don’t mind if he talks to me - but expecting me to dirty talk back - would mean I would have to snap myself out of the zone, out of experiencing pleasure, and try to dirty talk- which honestly does not come naturally to me and feels quite awkward.

 

The only time I can dirty talk is when he is the focus, and I am domming a bit etc.

 

And I agree with the 69 suggestion! Always a fav for us. Or I can at least stroke and play with him while he goes down on me.

[Biscous]

This. If I am REALLY enjoying myself, if I experiencing intense pleasure, I can’t talk.

 

My husband likes to dirty talk and the most I can muster is some sort of primal sound in return.

 

And thinking straight enough to put together sentences or even answers.... nope, not really happening.

 

I don’t mind if he talks to me - but expecting me to dirty talk back - would mean I would have to snap myself out of the zone, out of experiencing pleasure, and try to dirty talk- which honestly does not come naturally to me and feels quite awkward.

 

The only time I can dirty talk is when he is the focus, and I am domming a bit etc.

 

And I agree with the 69 suggestion! Always a fav for us. Or I can at least stroke and play with him while he goes down on me.

 

Yeah one of the things she likes about me is that I'm quick witted in general. I think what I say can throw me off.

 

So I will try 69 more and to say what I wanna say. Honestly it just makes me self conscious when she's quiet and it makes me feel silly/stupid. I think sexuality is just an abstract thing and I frankly don't judge anyone on their kinks.

 

I'll just be mindful of that and try some different stuff out and communicate my needs and concerns with her.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Honestly it just makes me self conscious when she's quiet and it makes me feel silly/stupid.

 

Oh, this surprised me to read. As a woman.....I doubt this is what she is thinking unless she has told you that.....has she? Just because she isn't doing it doesn't mean she doesn't like it when you do!

[basil67]

*raises hand* Another woman here who can't talk and experience high levels of pleasure at the same time.

[Biscous]

Oh, this surprised me to read. As a woman.....I doubt this is what she is thinking unless she has told you that.....has she? Just because she isn't doing it doesn't mean she doesn't like it when you do!

 

Ah okay, thanks.

 

Thanks ladies for your help! I really love my girl and don't wanna pressure her, but I just love sex with her and like to be my unabashed sex with just her and I in the bedroom.