REAL LOVE Affair or Male Postnatal Depression? (Baby loss)

[Lotsgoingon]

I come back to his over-reactions to the C-sections and his disinterest in his son.

 

His behavior is way outside of traditional selfishness. He's definitely into trauma territory. There are people who don't bond tightly with their kids, but disinterest?! That's a whole different ball game. I mean that's astonishing! There are criminals and sociopaths who bond with babies.

 

I certainly see male postpartum depression as a possibility (particularly with his reactions to the C-sections) with the second episode aggravating and coming on top of the first.

 

But even his reactions to the C-sections depict trauma and neglect. We all know surgery involves messy cutting, but when we're cut by a surgeon in a planned way using expertise to improve our condition/prevent catastrophe, the focus on "cutting" gives way to a focus on the goal of healing. But not for your husband. The healthy reaction to your C-section would be relief that you're fine and that the baby is fine.

 

He couldn't go there.

 

Sad story for you and him ... Really sad that he did not open up and get help with his trauma before all of this occurred. He was not ready for two children following the stillborn child. He went way past his coping limits and then retreated into the affair/escape. That affair won't last for long because the longer it goes, the more demands and pressures he'll have in that relationship ... and again, your husband simply doesn't have the capacity to function well with responsibilities at this point.

 

But if he can get serious help, there might indeed be a wonderful person that can emerge from outside the shadow of the trauma.

[anika99]

This is a good strategy and may well work. However, OP needs to be cognizant of the practical, financial impacts if it does not. Right now she has access to a joint bank account. What happens if he does fall on the other side of the fence? Are she and children able to afford to live a reasonable lifestyle? Put food on the table? Pay a divorce attorney?

 

OP, as much as I DO think Anika's suggestion has a good chance of working as planned, these are all real considerations you need to have figured out in case it doesn't. Your husband's behavior hasn't been extremely logical for a while now and that needs to be taken into account.

 

 

Well first of all it's not like he's legally allowed to just take all the money and ignore his responsibility to his children. If they divorce assets will be split and the OP will be awarded child support and most likely alimony. As a matter of fact if the OP is concerned about her husband taking off with the money and denying his children support the sooner she takes his ass to court the better.

 

Secondly my advice for the OP was never given as some sort of strategy to manipulate her husband to do what she wants. That would be stupid. I don't ever advocate manipulation. I already said in my post that there is a real possibility that the husband may choose divorce. The reason she needs to put a stop to his ridiculous fence sitting is for her own good, regardless of what her husband ultimately decides. For her own mental health she needs to stop being his doormat and letting her life being controlled by his problems. If he's going to choose to leave than why drag this agony on? If he's going to choose divorce then let him say so now so that the OP can take steps to protect herself and her children, so that assets can be split and support can be determined BEFORE he has a chance to hide money. I'm sure the OP will be very hurt if her husband chooses to end the marriage but there will also be relief.

[Rainbows]

Elaine;

Yes he probably is similar to his mother.

This may be of interest; His mother lost her second baby/(the son before my husband) from cot death.

 

But I found your post quite hard to read...'I' am effected by this situation, its very upsetting and obviously effects my confidence/emotions?

So whilst I see what your saying re the current situation from his pov being; "two young children = a heap load of new responsibilities etc" and me focused on being a new mother etc etc Vs "an affair"...the situation was that we WERE very much in love.

Theres no way that will EVER be in question for me, and he will openly state it himself - it is within the last year he began to feel unhappy/during our sons pregnancy.

He did WANT a family - he was devastated when it wasnt working for us and when we lost our first daughter...and he was an AMAZING hands on Dad - I literally can say he was the best father and a great husband.

 

The last action I ever expected, was for 'this' man to just bail.

Not just on our marriage but our children also.

Like I say everyone that knows him, inc our counsellors, this is the hugest of 'contrasts'.

 

Pepperbird;

Yep, I understand it (help/change) needs to come from himself. He is very stubborn, he has a lot of anxiety and he runs/avoids rather than attempts to try find solutions - which is clearly the case at the moment.

Its difficult to sit back when someone is so negative about help.

(Inc his negativity toward 'believing' that I can forgive him for this.)

 

Mr.Lucky;

I honestly can see his selfishness and his weakness.

I speak of feeling like the 'bad guy' as he is unrecognisable in every way, he cant talk normally; hes snappy, sarcastic and moody, he was such a nice person...so it feels like he hates me for something? (As I dont know if he is like this with just me or everyone now) I feel his family estrangement may be playing this card.

 

Thats whats shocking - I thought I 'had' found someone whom felt the same way about me, shared the same morals etc, for 16yrs Id have bet my life on that...up until December

So I now feel you can never really know anyone.

 

Anika/S2B;

This is what is tormenting my mind.

This is why I cant seem to determine a path and stick to it.

This is why I worry.

This is why I am scared to make a determined break then regret it 'myself'.

Which path are we on; breakdown or just a self centered man who got fed up of responsibilities.

Understanding is an important aspect. Id be careless to be making such big decisions, which impact my childrens 'lives', on something which I am still trying to figure out myself.

And I know in a way I am enabling his cake eating.

I know time is running out fast and I need to establish what path I need to take.

 

The way I have reacted is just what felt natural, I havent preconceived it as a strategy etc thus it admittedly may not be the best.

I knew from the start and from reading copious amounts of articles etc that it is not necessarily the norm to react as I have.

 

The counselor said by me being so patient/understanding, if it is a process that makes slow 'progress'; it could make him realise how much I love him and see that my negative qualities he was expecting to meet head on (such as my anger) are outweighed by positive qualities.

Obviously shes someone that has met him, she was certain this wasnt about the OW and that he still loves me.

He has also seen my positive qualities whereby I can take care of our children and a 4 bedroom house ENTIRELY on my own.

 

However, my friends are of the same opinion; that me being so patient/available ISNT going to work. That he needs to 'miss' me. To worry that I will find someone to replace him.

To see my worth.

 

I was admittedly scared to push him off the fence at first due to the OW being around, I initially felt by backing off he would only get closer to her and from the messages Id seen, I didnt think they had yet had sex.

He was very messed up those first few weeks - he didnt know what he was doing and so I was obviously clambering at him to come back for his childrens sakes rather than trusting that giving him space would see him return.

(Plus having 'babies' made the situation even more difficult for me, re access etc.)

 

He is someone that doesnt like confrontation, he wants the easy route - so I felt he would be too intimidated to try and break down any walls id build up.

So again, its another shock that he could even do something so awful to me, and to the OW's partner etc...something so intentionally hurtful to someone.

(I had always wondered how he could cut his own family off the way he did for 12 years, BUT I knew he had a bad childhood and witnessed myself how they werent loving in the traditional sense toward him so I excused his choice.)

 

And Yet, I can completely see that Im just making it easy for him to get comfortable!?

 

I also think about things from the OWs POV -

She is sat in the same room as him everyday at work = will they get sick of one another!? (Those colleagues around them also know he was married with a newborn baby.)

She has an 11yr old daughter, I would hate to think she has introduced him to her daughter already (having only thought to have split with her fiance 4 months ago) and so there must be some presumed separation/juggling of the two which must be difficult for them at times,

He (we) are still paying for his flat so he must still be living there at some points, whilst he spends the majority of weekends visiting his family and then theres the weekend time he's spending with us.

I struggle to wonder where 'their' quality time actually is?

I wonder if she will become jealous/fed up.

He also looks a lot different now he has put on weight.

 

I cant change the locks on the house, its illegal. He doesnt live in this city though anyway.

 

I am concentrating on being a mother, im worn out emotionally and physically and I 'personally' dont feel I have time for anything else - all that aside; I can not help the feeling that I still have a strong love for him.

I dream about this man every-single-night.

 

I am confused myself.

Everyone knew me to be this fiery person whom would NEVER stand for my husband cheating in any way or form...this has shocked me and its shocked him.

Each time I think, for example; "If he doesnt come to our sons 1st Brithday I will HATE him" - that anger builds up but as soon as its over, the feeling of love and forgiveness is still there!?

 

So I dont feel a divorce would benefit 'me' right now, id be using it as a strategy/consequence - which I do feel is a good one (I saw my friend put in a divorce for her cheating spouse, they hated each other during their seperation, but within the week he was crying and begging for forgiveness.)

I also read all the guidance in my divorce papers - not to divorce someone you still feel love for. (Afterall a divorce is for 'irretrievable' marriages, and I feel ours is, but its how long do you give it to be retrieved by the other person!)

HOWEVER, despite my feelings, I will NOT allow him the tactic to be peacefully 'waiting' toward 2yrs of separation to pass to enable an easy Divorce. I feel like a year is a long enough time to file.

Thats 4 months to go.

(My brother and his wife have been together 30yrs, she cheated on him before they were married, separated for just over a year, they kept in contact despite the separation also. I feel I witness many success stories)

 

MarkC;

Yes if we are thinking strategically, rushing into divorce doesnt practically benefit me (and of course the children) even though it may shake my husband up to realise the consequences...

I have tried to calculate things and with the minimum child benefit/s he'd have to pay - he'd be living a very comfortable life with the wage he'd be left with, whereas I would JUST cover the mortgage/bills.

I have a credit card in my name and had initially paid for the divorce with this. But I knew as soon as we'd start a divorce, he'd split the finances - obviously in order for him to pay for his solicitors fees.

 

If he wasnt already enjoying 'freedom' from his responsibilities - having money to spend on himself would probably only ensure he enjoys it even more.

 

He's certainly not shown selfishness with regards to finances. He barely spends any money at the moment...which 'has' made me wonder is he being taken care of by OW - however again, what woman wants to support a man in this way?!

If she owns her house by her own means etc.

 

There is no way I can buy him off our mortgage. So he will always have this little nest egg to return to.

(He doesnt appear to be swayed by materialistic assets though living in his 1 bedroom flat, in a city he HATED, instead of here.)

 

Also there is the fact he isnt a man that is fighting for joint custody, he would become an every other weekend father Id imagine, and so again - he is getting his cake and eating it?

He gets to play happy carefree Daddy, with his extra finances, his OW, his family support...Vs me dealing with all the nappies, night feeds, tantrums, single, NO family support, no spare money, no social life.

 

At least I have some marginal control whilst staying in the picture, rather than seeing myself as a doormat - if I feel in control of something, I can feel strong.

This experience has actually taught me some beneficial lessons, Ive taken positives from it.

 

There was one incident - whereby admittedly 'jealousy' took hold and I was not going to allow him to spend a penny of our joint money on OW, so knowing he had his hotel sorted and had food for the day, the eve before Valentines Day I transferred the money to our Savings account - planning on transferring it back the day after.

He got mad, nasty and then somehow took it out cash...so the children and I were left with about £60 to buy food off that month.

I explained to him why Id done it, but he only saw it that it was his 'hard earned' money.

I went to the solicitor and legally I couldnt get that money back.

 

I have told him that if he chooses OW that it will not be a amicable Divorce. 'This' version of me will not remain so patient. I have my head in the sand as to if the affair is ongoing.

 

Lotsgoingon;

I am certainly confused, upon so many opportunities Id asked him how he was coping and he was the one that suggested we stop seeing the Bereavement Counsellor (whom didnt just discuss our bereavement she was basically there for us no matter what) because he felt ok and he certainly seemed it.

But he opened up to friends at work that he was so scared of loosing me.

 

If there were no young children involved - this would be easier.

If there was no sudden 360 change in him - this would be easier to understand and therefore know how to react.

But I am so confused and whilst it is indeed not my job to try 'control' things (as it is up to 'him' to heal himself) - I cant help but think if he needs help = because he has treated me this way, doesnt meant I should be just as selfish as him.

 

Maybe its time I do some investigative work and try and deal with possibly seeing them together etc - dealing with 'fact' may help me make a decision.

Foresight is tough.

He is coming to see us more and more at the moment, he isnt ignoring any of my messages - yesterday for the first time he didnt check his phone once whilst with us...

Edited September 9, 2019 by Rainbows

[stillafool]

Your husband is selfish and now enjoying a single man's life at the expense of you and your children. He doesn't want to return home because he likes his life as it is now and he knows filing for divorce will put his paycheck in jeopardy. Sorry he had a bad childhood but so have millions of other people. I'm sick of that excuse for people's bad behavior. He is emotionally and sexually bonded with the OW and I imagine he's trying to get her to leave her partner. Whether they end up together is probably her choice. This guy is no longer the man you married and never will be again. You need to stop making excuses for him and face reality regarding him.

[Rainbows]

I think I need to point out ive not made any excuse for him, esp re his childhood?

I simply included that information...on the grounds that this is a fact of his past experience which I felt relevant to mention - because my post is all about the question in itself; is this affair an escape from a breakdown/PND or just a route to selfishness.

 

Ive also said that nothing excuses an affair - even if he IS having a huge midlife crisis, why handle it this way - hes only made matters worse in the long run im sure even for himself, he WILL presumably suffer some degree of guilt at some point.

 

I had wondered if there was anyone else out there having been in this situation, having witnessed an affair being a misplaced escape.

Ive not once said my poor little husband, its his terrible upbringing that has caused this.

 

There WAS a reaction to finding out our baby was a boy.

That is when I noticed a hint of a problem.

If anything I am really not focusing on his childhood, but PND.

Some psychology connecting the dots.

And why is this understanding even important? As ive already mentioned, this is all part of the facts/understanding the full situation in order to make a decision that I would be confident toward.

Edited September 9, 2019 by Rainbows

[pepperbird]

op,

my husband has issues with PTSD that's related to his deployments overseas.

 

 

 

It's a hard row to hoe, and I've come to find that for him, even after a lot of therapy and counseling, it never truly goes away. He has to be vigilant, recognize the signs of it ramping up again and get treatment before it gets too far off the ground.

 

Do you feel your husband has the self awareness to recognize he's struggling and seek help, or has his attempts to do so in the past been because you asked him to get help?

 

I'm not sure if you've mentioned it or not, but what sort of support are you getting for yourself right now? Do you have someone " in real life" you can go to?

[mark clemson]

I speak of feeling like the 'bad guy' as he is unrecognisable in every way, he cant talk normally; hes snappy, sarcastic and moody, he was such a nice person...so it feels like he hates me for something? (As I dont know if he is like this with just me or everyone now) I feel his family estrangement may be playing this card.

 

Thats whats shocking - I thought I 'had' found someone whom felt the same way about me, shared the same morals etc, for 16yrs Id have bet my life on that...up until December

So I now feel you can never really know anyone.

 

 

Sometimes people do have breakdowns and/or seemingly inexplicably turn weird corners in life. I've seen it happen with people I know.

 

I think you're getting a lot of good advice here (including my own). The one common denominator I see is that you can't predict what he will do anymore. Even if he does "drift back" to you, or you "push him off the fence" and he comes back, you need to have a plan for and be prepared for the worst. It's easier said than done. Whatever the root cause(s) of his issue(s) may be, he's a wild card right now and will still be that if you "get him back".

[S2B]

It’s not your job to fix his issues. Heck, he’s not even addressing his issues.

 

It’s your job to recognize what’s unacceptable and end things if it’s not working for you/your family.

 

He’s certainly not loving, honoring and cherishing you - looks like he’s not willing to change either.

 

So really, you’re in the marriage on your own. Best to end it knowing it’s been over for a while now.

 

It’s more of acknowledging what it is now. Show him you expect more - file for divorce. Take your power back.

 

He’s not the man you thought he was.

[Rainbows]

Pepperbird;

When I found the Porn, during the stressful period when we had just moved into the 1 bedroom flat etc and my husband burst into tears, saying he'd kill himself if he ever lost me...

I said to him at that point, should I try and find some counseling and he said yes.

He'd just started this new job/was in training and so I tried to find counseling/support for male PND for him but there really wasnt a lot out there, so I made the appointment with our bereavement counselor (by the time of that appt it was too late affair wise)

I contacted my health visitor for references, but there was only male based groups - which my husband wasnt interested in. (Nor online forums)

 

My husband went to the Drs but the appointments were backed up, and just as his appointment finally arrived the GP surgery stated they had made a mistake and his records had been transferred to another surgery so he had to make a new appointment! (which again, by the time of that appointment was too late affair wise!)

So we struggled finding help for his confusing feelings (PND)

 

He does recognise when he needs extra medication.

 

Re my support; I have friends, but whilst I am on maternity leave, they are at work, or they are spending time with their own families... but I do get out of the house with the children and I feel I am still seeing people regularly/not isolated.

I just dont have the same support system as people with close family etc.

The relationship counselor we saw allowed me to call her for free on quite a few occasions.

My health visitor also arranged for some help from a charity to support Mothers mental health.

 

S2B;

It was terrifying when he left as I was on nil pay Maternity leave, I thought we were going to loose the house through being blacklisted with mortgage payments, I didnt know where the children and I were going to live, what our lives/futures looked in comparison.

My solicitor couldnt believe any man could leave a woman at such a vulnerable time.

So I am glad he continues to pay.

I was shocked when I realised that legally a man can just get up and walk away from his responsibilities.

 

I do probably need some counseling regarding the shock of this, ive been so focused on just living day to day/the children/learning how to manage all the household responsibilities etc.

I have never lived on my own before - I went from living with my parents to my husband.

We'd just moved into this big new house - so when he just ran away, I was left with my head spinning, I had to pick myself up and sort out account information to pay certain bills as everything had changed, I didnt know how to use some of the new appliances, I haddnt driven in years, we haddnt even unpacked fully, it was a lot to juggle/learn on top of solo 24/7 parenting.

I was like a zombie.

 

We are still sat here with no curtains, no bed (just a mattress on the floor), no wardrobes, lightbulbs handing from a wire etc...because we were having to put all of our furniture into storage we instead sold it and planned to buy new upon moving into the new house...not expecting an affair to destroy every plan we had made.

 

I felt suicidal, if not for my children. People may not understand this/not like to hear it, but I have mental health problems of my own, I dont have that family support (the opposite really)

I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place, I really did not want to live through this, not after everything else - I wanted to escape life(!) but I wanted to live for my children, the pain was unbearable.

Touch wood, I feel ok right at this moment and can try build on this strength.

Edited September 10, 2019 by Rainbows

[pepperbird]

op,

please look after yourself. With so much going on, it can be easy to forget and put everyone else's needs first. If you are going to be there for them, you need to take care of "you" too.

[spiritedaway2003]

Dear OP,

 

This may not mean much from a stranger, but I just wanted to send (((HUGS))) your way. It's a terrible situation. Sometimes when you're in the middle of a crisis, it's hard to see the forest for the trees.

 

I'm sorry for all that you're going through, but I'm going to echo one great advice already given: Take time to focus and look after yourself. Schedule more IC appointments. Make sure you have a support network.

 

It definitely sounds like that were a lot of unresolved issues and traumatic experiences all happening that stressed your marriage. It's possible that he's having some sort of a breakdown. Or, he's just being selfish. The end result is the same. He isn't there to support you.

 

I also say this gently given a few of your comments about the OW: I think she should be the least of your worries. If he is infatuated with the OW, there isn't much you can do at this point. Don't contact her. Don't waste your time on why your husband is drawn to her, whether she's attractive, or whether they will last. None of that matters. You can't convince your husband to come back until he's ready to fix himself. Although you are willing to forgive him, you might have to accept that he might not want to be back in this marriage.

 

I know you're afraid that you would regret of taking that step of divorce. It is possible that would end things between you two as you know it, but if you look at it objectively, your husband is already not here in the marriage. It's a major decision, so think about it (or give yourself a time on how long you are willing to wait). It hasn't changed in months, so it's wishful thinking that he would suddenly realizes the errors of his ways.

 

Do what you need now to protect yourself and your family. Take care of yourself.

[Rainbows]

Spiritedaway; Thank you.

 

The relevance that this woman is unattractive to me (although I understand its irrelevance as he must find something attractive within her?!) is because I think if this woman was beautiful - Im not sure Id be able to cope with that? It would effect my own self confidence? If that makes sense...

It just makes it a little less painful, sometimes I actually smirk looking at this woman.

The weight ive lost has also actually helped my confidence after having three children.

 

I had read ONE message between them which read how she 'haddnt felt guilt like this since she was raped'...

It is very difficult for me to understand how a 'woman' can allow an affair with a married man (no matter how persuasive he was) whilst he had a 6 WEEK old baby, a child under 2yrs old and knowing we had a stillborn daughter just prior...without a mountain of guilt.

 

So I thought if I calmly speak with her, the real person, the wife and mother of his children, stood infront of her, it may help her realise the impacts of her actions are very very real - enough to keep her up at night, or for her guilt to cause a crack?

And I admit its not a great scenario if my husband only returns 'after' the OW disappears...

 

It breaks my heart every time my little girl asks me 'Wheres Daddy Gone?'. They had such an amazing bond

 

Everything you say makes sense, I know it does...

I am giving myself somewhat of a timeline for a year...then I will 100% divorce, even if I still felt love for him etc.

But when I stand back and try and look at this; what is the 'benefit' of divorce for 'me' - other than marking out the tough consequences for my husband (whilst hoping those consequences are enough to bring his effort back to the marriage/family)

Theres no real benefit.

We cant sell the house and neither can buy out so that ties us.

The children tie us.

I wont be moving on relationship wise.

And mentally I dont think it will bring any sort of 'closure' only heartache as im sure every divorce does.

I know I shouldnt be relying on a man financially - but we have two children under school age, nursery fees etc.

We both earn the exact same amount as we work in the same job, but I will be part time to reduce childcare costs as we had planned.

We've always had a joint account and paying for the Divorce itself will impact us.

 

Thats why I am trying to use my timeline of a remaining 4/5 months wiser than I have... Its just very difficult.

I mean how many 'mistresses' go un-confronted really? This woman has had it so easy, as easy as my husband also, she must be shocked herself.

[BreakOnThrough]

I don't think it's very wise to project anything on to the OW, you have no idea what he has fed her, she is probably in the dark as much as you are in some respects, and adding more drama to an already sensitive situation could backfire considerably. The SOLE responsibility lies on your husband of course. The power lies with you and how you move forward.

 

 

 

As others have said, you need to move forward productively for yourself and your children. They need, more than anything, to have at least one stable parent present, just simply think, and I know it is certainly hard to place this situation in simple terms, that any wasted energy on this situation is energy removed and taken away from your children. It will help change your mindset from a defensive, reactive disposition to a proactive one. You need to gain control.

 

 

 

Also, look into daily self-affirmation, it's a simple technique and effective. Learn to love yourself and define your worth, it's the single and most important thing you can do.

[S2B]

So many times MM choose an OW that’s inferior to his W. There are many theories to this scene. Either way she must have been open in some way to buying into his bs.

 

The power is ONLY in your hands when you take action to change things. This is up to you to do that for yourself.

[pepperbird]

op,

I can completely understand wanting to appeal to the OW's humanity, but that will likely not work.

 

 

Either she doesn't know he's married, or she knows and doesn't care. If she doesn't know, how can you ever trust a man who would lie to two women, and if she does know? She may well just laugh at you and feel superior to the BS who she sees as groveling at her feet. She may pretend to be very sympathetic, but it's highly probable she and your spouse will keep the A going long after your appeal to her.

[Rainbows]

This OW - She was FULLY aware that;

* My husband was married,

* That he had a daughter under 2 years old

* That our first daughter was stillborn

All this I know for absolute fact - because I saw all their messages, and she was accepting and commenting on photographs of BOTH my daughters...

To see the photo of my stillborn daughter being shared with this woman, cut deep, Ive had to go to a place of denial sometimes because its just too painful.

 

I cant be 100% sure she knew we had a 6 week old baby when they met.

But Im pretty sure my husband would have spoken about him when they would have first met/got chatting/when any affair wasnt foresee - you cant not mention you've JUST had a baby/lacking sleep etc when getting to know someone at work etc...

 

My husband wore a wedding ring, and he has tattoos all over his wrists/arms dedicated to me, I hope they at least rub salt in her wounds if she has any

(Because we were such a proud family, our names would have been everywhere - his pens and stuff on his work desk are personalised with all our names, his wallets inscribed, etc.)

 

I do have an idea as to what he fed her and what she fed him through reading the messages...

She said her fiance was a narcissist..

My husband was saying we had not been intimate for months

(erm, I had been ill throughout pregnancy and just nearly died from a ruptured uterus from CSection he probably forgot to mention that, and also that intimacy is not just 'sex' )

 

BreakOnTrrough;

Thats a good point you've made, that I have actually concentrated on.

When he went awol 'again' and didnt see us at all for another 6 weeks recently - I used that time to just focus on the children and not think about him, I tried to hope he was using that time as a means to reflect etc and I managed to get to a good place.

 

He is seeing us regularly at the moment, the first time this has been happening...

 

It is his 40th birthday in a few weeks, its going to be really painful for me.

I bought him a holiday of a lifetime for his 30th, I make a really big deal of his birthday and Id planned so much for his 40th.

I suggested to him that we could still go on a 'family' holiday but he said it wouldnt be right....

(Coming from the man that had an affair with a newborn at home.)

 

What is conflicting me at the moment <in this brief moment of strength I seem to have gained> is that him seeing the children whilst we're all together (family time) is working out ok, I dont hate him? The children are happy with us both there.

If I change the cards and hit him with divorce - to make him realise that his consequences of this (suspected ongoing) affair are FOREVER and thus he needs to choose CAREFULLY...if that move see's the stereotypical split whereby Im no longer able to enjoy those family times, is it worth it.

I will be in pain. I will know my children are around the OW.

I know thats just what some people have to deal with, but Ive had enough of being in pain, theres only so much etc..

But if I dont file for divorce soon, he gets to be comfortable in this part time fatherhood, he gets his cake in two houses...

Edited September 13, 2019 by Rainbows

[elaine567]

They "found" each other.

They were both going through hard times, both hungry for love and attention (and sex), and both desperate for an "escape" from their "bad" situations.

They knew each other already, they work together, they were comfortable around each other and it led to "more".

 

That is what you are up against.

You can rail forever about how "inferior" she is to you looks wise, but that is immaterial.

You can go on forever about how unfair he is/was being to YOU, but this is now about HIM.

 

My husband was saying we had not been intimate for months

(erm, I had been ill throughout pregnancy and just nearly died from a ruptured uterus from CSection he probably forgot to mention that, and also that intimacy is not just 'sex' )

 

Unfortunately as I found on reading this forum, many men(not all) see sex as their number one priority and without sex (for whatever reason, even lack of desire on his part, illness on yours), they will lose all love, loyalty goes out the window, the wife of many years (the mother of his children) is rendered valueless, children can be discarded...

Sad but apparently true.

[pepperbird]

op,

after reading your last post, I would avoid this women, She's playing your husband like a fiddle, and he's buying right into it.

 

Think of it this way. She wants to be with your husband. She will do whatever she feels she needs to do to make that happen, and it won't matter how much it hurts you. Even issues you feel should a sacred, like the loss of your child, are fair fodder.

 

The one my husband cheated with did that to me. I had our younger daughter in the hospital, very ill, and he was at home with our other two. I saw the chat logs from their conversation that night ( before the affair started) and she was going on about how he must be lonely at home by himself, he must be so stressed out, why wasn't I there for him when he needed me? Of course, he was dumb enough to listen and even dumber to give it any consideration.

[Rainbows]

Elaine;

The timeline of this affair does shock me, they would have only met for the first time in October...

The affair started mid November, and only during work lunchtimes...

So 6 weeks of lunchtimes to get to know each other and start a full blown affair..

 

This is the thing my husband wasnt like that (re sex) at all, it took him months to loose his virginity with me, sex was never a real priority with him and Id communicate with him about it and he was perfectly happy with our sex life etc.

 

But to see the videos of him masturbating for her, and how he was talking in the messages to her, it was like a different man, it was almost laughable, very teenage the things he was saying, Im surprised any women would find that a turn on.

And what woman really wants a dildo as a present in a new 'relationship'

It seems to have been very sexual, very quickly.

 

The way they were joking about doing things in her 'family' car, she seems to me like she has been offering the easiest platter up to 'get' the guy.

He always had a dislike for slutty women etc.

He'd always say he would never cheat on me ,how immoral it was, he judged others intensely..

Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock....

 

Pepperbird;

I think this too.

Ive stated the fact to my husband that this woman has already declared her 'undying' love to at least three other men that I know about in the last 10 years...

I read her messages and they seemed quite 'damsel in distress', talking about being raped, a previous cancer scare and how her fiance was possibly dangerous...my husband has bought into it whilst not even thinking about his wife barely able to move at home..

 

Im sorry to hear you were subject to a similar 'OW', this is another aspect of all of this that I struggle with...that there are people like this.

I look at families like ours and I cant imagine how a woman - another 'mother' particularly, couldnt not think of the impact an affair would have on such young children.

 

I saw messages from my husband which said 'Together forever'...but no actual 'plans' between them.

She actually was the one asking him 'Is this love or just infatuation'...

He openly labelled her as his 'Mistress'...

And she didnt finish with her fiance until 5 months after my husband left us.

 

My husband will not tell me if he is still having this affair.

So I feel I do need to ascertain if he is living with her and her daughter, this fact would certainly help me make a judgement call as to my next steps.

[S2B]

He left you months ago and you still haven’t decided to do something about that?

 

And why would him living with her be any deciding factor?

 

He isn’t with you - he isn’t only focused on you and your family’s well being? That should be enough to show you he’s abandoned the family unit and ruined the vows he took.

 

File for divorce. Stop waiting around for him to decide your future. That man left the marriage nearly a year ago. There’s no need to waste one more day waiting on him to chose you! You are worth way more than being treated like old toast.

[Rainbows]

No, because I felt strongly that he was having a 'breakdown' (thus this original post)

 

My youngest child had only just turned 5 months old when we were 'abandoned'...

and I still felt/feel love for this man.

 

I wasnt going to just huff and puff and stomp off for Divorce like some head strong teenager.

I wanted to try and save my marriage with this man, if anything for our childrens sakes - we 'should' be trying.

The fact he doesnt seem to care about this family, is why my head is still spinning.

 

And besides, I could not have coped with a Divorce earlier than this - I am in a vulnerable/demanding situation, I was a mess.

 

When I tried to scare him with a Divorce just the paperwork which stated "Details of the children which resulted from the marriage" had me in a blizzard of tears for days.

They are very much involved in this and I couldnt get over the shocking contrast of this father/husband.

 

Like I say Ive done a tonne of research, tried to gain advice from the professional involved, looked to friends in similar situations...all held promise that this 'was' a breakdown and it may just take some time...

but nothing seems to be moving forward, Ive probably made it too comfortable and thats why I find myself now looking to make that decision for Divorce.

I WILL be able to tell my children I tried EVERYTHING I could to save their parents marriage...

[Veronica73]

You certainly will. I think you’re amazingly strong and generous. I hope things get better for you soon.

[pepperbird]

op,

I admire your dedication to your children. That will stand them in good stead.

 

I have no idea if your husband has had a breakdown, but speaking from experience, if he did, the road back can be long and hard. Very hard. I was lucky in that after my spouse's (brief) affair ended, he left for a long time ( deployment). We couldn't really talk about any of our issues, and had to wait until he got home.

 

One of the first things he did was admit to his WO what had happened ( he and his ex-ow worked together at the time), and then he sought mental health help. I'd known he'd been struggling for a long time, but not how bad it was. It took several years of therapy to help him with his PTSD, and it's ramping up again, but he's getting help.

 

Your WS sounds like he's spinning, running away from a situation he simply feels he can not face. That's tragic for him, but he's visiting his issues on the heads of you and your kids, and that's not acceptable.

 

Gently, even though it may break your heart, letting him go may be the best idea for now. He will drag you down with him if you let him.

[Rainbows]

Thanks Veronica/Pepperbird

 

After seeing him regularly just recently, he is now not coming to see us on his one weekend day...

Again, no actual explanation just "Im doing something"

Ive made it clear he shouldn't be prioratising anything above his children, he should want to be here, and I alluded to the affair...

But as usual he wont confirm or deny.

 

This is also what I feel makes this circumstance different to those which ive read about; this man will not tell me if he is still having an affair?!

He isnt pushing for divorce, hes not talking about finances, he not talking about the future, custody...

 

Ive spent the morning reading up on non-court ordered child arrangements and the law is seemingly pathetic...

Basically he 'can' do what HE wants, when he wants?

He can let us down a thousand times, I cant say your not seeing the children this weekend etc so to ensure he sticks to the plans etc, he can take my children around the OW.

So how can I not feel walked all over when the law doesnt offer up 'consequences'?

He could prioratise OW every weekend but still demand to see them when its convenient for him?

[pepperbird]

He could prioratise OW every weekend but still demand to see them when its convenient for him?

 

 

 

 

OP, I say this really gently.

He may be a father, but he's no "dad". I know you want him to be one, but you can't force that. He may be out there sowing his wild oats or what have you, and that seems to be his top priority.

 

 

 

It's not fair to your kids, but it is what it is. It sounds to me like it would be a good idea to visit the lawyer again. This man is acting like a child, and will continue to do so for as long as he thinks he can get away with it.