REAL LOVE Affair or Male Postnatal Depression? (Baby loss)

[schlumpy]

Hello.

 

Before I begin let me express my appreciation for the detail you included in your post. There is a lot of information, but you presented it with clarity and some attempt at analysis. I’ve put on a pot of French roast coffee and I found some peanut butter fudge I’d forgot about. It is my firmly held belief each cup of coffee temporarily increases the IQ by five points. That may barely be sufficient to process what you have written.

 

Somewhere you’ve read an article that most affairs last six months and then reality set in with the wayward spouse coming home - their tail between their legs. Until that wonderful moment happens you are trying to maintain a status quo for your abused affections and offer reassurance to your wayward spouse that your forgiveness in unconditional. This seems to be the strategy you are adopting. Is it working out for you? From what I’ve read your case it seems more desperate now then before. In my opinion, it will stay this way as long as you allow your husband to control the situation through the use of stall tactics and a sprinkle of breadcrumbs for you to obsess over. Unless you take action, this will indeed become your status quo and you will have wasted a significant part of your life.

 

I know you believe that this is a mental breakdown and in a sense, you are right but it’s not a breakdown that can be attributed to altered mental processes or disease. It’s the breakdown of a conscious mental barrier your husband has been maintaining the whole time you were married. He kept this part of himself separate from you.

 

His family background no doubt did affect him, and he was left lost and directionless until he ran into you. I imagine you were like a neon sign that suddenly lit up the dark. You were full of ideas and plans for the future. You knew what you wanted and how to get there and you knew you wanted him. He finally had a grasp on life. You didn’t move forward in life together – you took him with you. He accepted your goals and your direction because he had none of his own. He wanted to share the boundless joy and enthusiasm you had for your vison of the future and it worked for a long while.

 

During that span of time life delivered some kicks to the shin and an upper cross to the chin: the death of your first child. Three years in bereavement counseling is unusual and I find that alarming. The laborious task of becoming pregnant a second time along with your illnesses and your near-death experiences from surgery. The helplessness he must have felt. The feeling of mortality brought home. It does cause the mind to wander down pathways it normally would not travel.

 

You say a couple of times your husband was amazing, and I’m sure you praised him, but I think he was trying to live up to an ideal that he saw in you and in the end, it was not sustainable. The mental barrier he was maintaining collapsed and he reverted to who he is really is and not the person he thought you wanted him to be. He is once again directionless and rudderless. The OW is just a lifeboat in the storm.

 

At the moment he wants things to stay as they are, so he is using the same script that cheaters use all over the world. He tells you he needs space to think things out. He’s confused. He’ll go to counseling, but he’ll make sure there is no progress towards a resolution. It’s all delay tactics to keep you in limbo and waiting for his return if he decides to do that.

 

I know you stated you want your husband back but consider that no matter under what conditions he returns you marriage is not going to be the same. You won’t be able to go back to what you had.

 

Your idea of going after the OW is a good one depending on whether she cares, but I would not expect it to turn the tide in your favor. Early in the affair it would have helped greatly for you to expose him and her to their families, friends, and workplace associates. Nothing flattens the tires on an affair as quickly as exposure. I don’t know how effective it would be right now since you stated her fiancée has dumped her.

 

In my opinion, if you want your husband back you only have two crappy choices.

 

The first is to wait until the affair runs its course. Maybe he will come back.

 

The second is to be proactive. You have to count on your 15 years together as the lure to pull back into the marriage. You have to make him miss you and what you had together. You can’t do that if you pursue him. I know it’s counterintuitive that to think by pushing someone away they will want you more but you have to rely on those 15 great years you told me about to do the job for you. I’ve said this before, but I think 15 great years together will always trump a few months of random sex.

 

There is one more thing here to consider. Your husband may want to come back, but you are denying him the path to do so. I know I sound like a lunatic - after all, you instantly forgave him. You begged him to stay, right?

He sees himself because of his mother’s failure not worthy of you. It shames him that you are so caring and loyal that you will overlook what he can not overlook in the case of his mother or you, for that matter. I suggest that you allow him to atone for his sins. Why do you think an atheist reads the bible? Set up conditions where he has to work his way back to you. No open arms. No smiles of relief. Just hard emotional work to try to put the pieces together again.

 

I don’t know what this atonement should look like because I don’t know your husband. You should seek a counselor’s advice, but it will have to be a step by step process that sates his inner need for redemption. I don’t think he will come back for real unless he feels you’ve exacted a punishment for his betrayal.

 

If you choose number two, then start shutting down your contact with him. Never scream or yell and always let him know that if he wants to come back it will be under your rules and those rules will include a lack of personal privacy for whatever period of time you deem it to be necessary.

 

You will also need to start divorce proceedings. Don’t panic. They can be halted but he has to understand you are serious and nothing says that better than being served while at work. Separate your finances and give every indication that you are willing to move on in life without him. I think you know the drill. Once your husband and the OW start looking at the real future they have together I think he will be drawn back to what he had.

 

I am extremely sorry for your situation. You remind me of my own wife. She also is very loyal and I sometime call her Saint (wife’s name) because she does act like it at times especially for putting up with me all these years.

Btw, are you in the UK or Australia?

[anika99]

The fact that your husband won't deny that the affair is ongoing pretty much confirms that the affair is still active. I agree with the previous poster that your husband needs to be the one to work for this marriage. I don't know if he feels unworthy though. I tend to think he doesn't value his marriage and family and you are helping him devalue those things by pretty much offering everything to him for free. He is the one who did wrong but you are the on doing all the work and bending over backwards to accommodate him. That is messed up.

 

He may have had trauma in the past but so have most of us so that shouldn't even be a factor in your decisions. You have been through plenty of hard stuff too but does that mean you can just abandon your family and responsibilities to run off and have an affair? Where would that leave your kids? I don't doubt that he has some unresolved issues from childhood but so do plenty of people. I had issues up the wazoo but I never even considered leaving my children. Also I was the only person who could resolve my issues and I only did that when it became too painful not to. You cannot fix your husband's problems, only he can, but right now he has no incentive to do that. His mistress probably poor babies him too and he has you at his neck and call so why would he think he has to change anything? He has two women vying for him and he's basking in all of this attention.

[Rainbows]

Pepperbird;

Its so so crazy, how he has changed in that respect (as a father)

I cant recall if ive already exampled this, but the day our (living) daughter was born, our bereavement counselor visited us in hospital and he burst into tears, she said to him "Its so important for you to be a good father isnt it?" and he said whilst literally sobbing "yes"...

 

He was.

Something happened when he found out our new baby was a boy - he said instantly it was to do with his childhood but I do not understand that, and we both just presumed he would bond when our baby was actually here.

He did ok in the hospital with him, but when we got home (well the temporary flat ) the colic really pushed him (my H) away.

 

Schlumpy;

Thanks for your post!

 

Really interesting points, some which I had never thought about - ie me giving him direction for the first time in his life etc...that really could be true.

(He is probably the most successful member of his family.)

 

I dont actually feel like he has given me any breadcrumbs really...Im just picking at clues as to what lies beneath...

 

Re the 3yrs of bereavement counseling; it was that length of time as ive been pregnant and had 3 babies in 4 years, so even though it sounds like a long time - it was simply because we were being supported through Rainbow pregnancies. It was all through the hospital, enabling us to have reassurance scans etc.

 

Schlumpy I have to be honest...whilst I loved my husband dearly and appreciated him, I took things out on him, I dont know if this was more so than any other wife/mother in such stressful times, but I hold my hands up that I was a nag at times...thats why this is also frustrating and why I want that 'chance'.

 

He point blank refuses to go to counseling - he says 'he' wont benefit from it. Ive told him its not just about him...

 

When I first confronted my husband I asked "does her partner know" and he said "yes she told him last week" - but obviously she didnt as they were still together months later.

Someone was lying, either my husband to make sure I didnt out her to her partner - or she was lying to my husband.

 

I did some digging and found the OW's address, I sent her a Valentines card, with a sarcastic poem within to explain she was ruining lives...

I told my husband and he had a tear in his eye...he said "You dont know what you've done, that man is dangerous, im going to have to tell her she may not be safe"

He said "He opens and reads all her mail!" I said "Are you kidding me? This guy reads all her mail yet he doesnt go through her phone and sees all her naked photos and messages shes been sending my husband!?"

It sounded to me like she was playing a manipulative 'victim'...I saw a few messages like that between them.

 

I didnt want the affair to cost my husband his job as that will effect our children financially. But I certainly thought about reporting 'her'.

But I tried to rise above my desire for revenge/justice (which I admit is getting stronger now than then) as I knew that me slating this woman was not going to work in my favor with my husband - HE had some level of feelings for her and I didnt want to be the UGLY woman behaving that way, he'd be blind to her faults, and thus id be forcing him to provide a protective reaction over 'her'.

 

Oh I have read so much on your theory - how to get him to miss me etc, I tried that theory at some points, but it is very difficult to do when I believe the OW is there...

 

The thing with the sex is he wasnt getting much with me the last couple of years, even though he said he was never that concerned, but im sure he is very much enjoying all which she is offering up on a plate, im sure she is using it as her golden coin to keep him, that how the messages appeared...Im not sure how long men are drawn to sex on tap?!

 

Realllllllly interesting about the fact that my husband may not feel like he's earnt his way back in our family etc...

Although my situation is somewhat strange in that my husband tried to completely cut and run - without a 'conversation' even = thus he's never said sorry, never cried, never expressed any sorrow...

But at the start he stood in our home, hung his head and said "I shouldnt even be here"

He has said things such as: "Its different for you - your the victim in this, its different for me, you will never understand, its just not that easy" - and "If it were up to you id be back sleeping in our bed tomorrow and its just not that easy?" "You will never forgive me for this now"...when I ask him to clarify what he means, he cant, and im not sure I understand what hes saying fully, if im making it so easy for him - why cant he accept that card and come back for his 'family' his babies here?

 

What I find confusing about this theory you raise though - why would he continue the affair?

Why would he return to his mother?

 

How could I set up such conditions to earn his return?

 

Why DOES an atheist read the bible?

 

I know the divorce proceedings can be halted, but its the wasted money id be bothered about - last time I gained the full refund after two weeks.

 

Im in the UK

 

Anika:

Yep, exactly im 99.9% sure he still is having the affair, its just VERY frustrating why this information isnt mine to know.

One friend had the theory that he may be embarrassed if the affair haddnt lasted and he doesnt want me the chance to gloat, or start to apply pressure when hes not ready to return 100%...

But I dont think this is true as Im pretty sure if the OW was not around - he would be in a mess/regret and back with us.

 

I had said exactly that point to my husband; what would you do if I cant cope in this situation and I give up on the children? Why should I be the strong one?

 

Yep this is what he said to the counselor re the OW "She really cares about me". I said its very easy to appear as though you care - its easy to continuously 'agree' with someone, that isnt challenging them to be the best person they can be!

Edited September 15, 2019 by Rainbows

[schlumpy]

What I find confusing about this theory you raise though - why would he continue the affair?

Why would he return to his mother?

 

How could I set up such conditions to earn his return?

 

Why DOES an atheist read the bible?

 

He continues the affair because there are feelings involved - like he told you.

 

He is like his mother now so why wouldn't he associate with her. Birds of a feather.

 

First he has to want to come home before you can set the terms of his return. He has to beg you to allow him to come back.

 

An atheist reads the bible because he looking for redemption.

[pepperbird]

op,

I understand wanting to make sense of his actions, but you may not be able to. Part of the process of grieving the turn your marriage has taken will be accepting that you might never get the answers you're looking for.

 

You sound a bit like me. I'm a "fixer". I want to make everyone happy, and almost always think that there is a solution to every problem if I just look hard enough, try an understand it enough and give enough.

 

That all sounds wonderful and noble, but it's not. It has kept me in relationships long after the "best before" date has come and gone. The truth of the matter was that it was more about my need to "fix" and help them than it really was about them. It was so hard to accept that sometimes I couldn't and to let go.

 

Your H is a big boy, making his own decisions, cruddy though they may be. You are not responsible for his choices and actions. You've given him ample opportunity to make his choice, provided him with the information he needs to make it an informed one.

 

He's made his decision. Let him go, and if he screws up, let him be the one to deal with the fallout. You've done your due diligence, now it's time for you to cut yourself some slack.

 

Oh and that crap about hos OW husband and her being in danger? Cry me a river. If she's so scared he'll hurt her if she steps out, then she wouldn't be stepping out. If your husband is so scared, he can call the police and let them deal with her ( and if, like the ow my husband was seeing tries the "I'm going to self harm" nonsense to try and make you feel bad, then calmly and coolly go and report said comment to the police...let them go and save her. She's not your problem)

 

My guess? This is hardly her first rodeo, nor will it be her last. SHe; got the "poor widdle me" act down pat.

[Rainbows]

Schlumpy;

Is him seeking redemption a good thing in terms of our marriage, to me it shows a battle to not know which way to go...

 

I dont think he is the type of man to ever beg, he'd be too scared of rejection.

He's not very assertive in those terms.

 

Pepperbird;

This is why this is all a little too close to loosing my daughter.

At first when she was diagnosed with her 'rare' condition id sit and think WHY, I researched and researched, I was desperate to know why and desperate to 'fix' it like you say...

It was just so unfair.

And so is this.

We never had an argument, we never had a conversation even to suggest there was a problem for him in the marriage...I never had the chance to work together.

The PND was the problem and I scrambled to find us help but didnt get there in time

I felt like this affair was used like a drug, or alcohol, something my husband is all too familiar at turning too...but Id have expected after me showing forgiveness he would find it easier to return.

 

But I think Schlumpy has some raised some really good points and maybe my husband really cant find redemption and he thinks I WILL not forgive him like he continues to say to me...nor can he forgive himself.

But Id expect to see a man in a worse state than he is whilst battling such thoughts.

(How can he wave at his kids and leave like he does if its killing him.)

 

 

I have a small reason to believe he's moved in with AP and her daughter recently.

I mean if this is true, thats it, its over isnt it.

Edited September 17, 2019 by Rainbows

[Rainbows]

Between that last post and now ive broken, my strengths just gone, I am wishing this wasnt my life, I feel such anger for this woman invading my family.

 

My husband is to blame too yes, yes, yes, but she knew what we had been through and she could have stopped an affair from happening. She was never part of my life and now she IS. Shes right in the middle of my and my childrens lives.

 

I feel so very sorry for myself and im sick of being told to be strong.

Ive been strong, I needed a break, and instead of getting that break, I got this. I was so nearly there.

[pepperbird]

 

I feel so very sorry for myself and im sick of being told to be strong.

Ive been strong, I needed a break, and instead of getting that break, I got this. I was so nearly there.

 

 

op,

please be kind to yourself. You have been through one of the most awful experiences a family can go through, and now, it's been compounded.

 

 

 

You do sound like a strong person, but you have been pushed beyond your limit. Anyone who has been through all the stress and heartache you have would be.

 

Feel however you want. Sad, angry, confused...it's all valid.

 

I'm sorry to say it, but it's very possible your husband isn't going to come back. I hate what he's done to you, but even worse, I hate what he's doing to his kids. I know he's also been through a terrible time and had a rough start in life.

 

That doesn't give him any right or excuse to treat your kids like this. He's had so much time to get his act together, and this is how he's acted? You may have to accept he's reached the limit of his ability to heal from everything that's happened.

 

None of that is your fault. None.

[schlumpy]

Rainbows:

 

Do not hang your hopes on his need for redemption. When a person wants to be redeemed it’s because they fear what they may lose. That’s the driving impetus but you are giving your husband no reason to fear any personal loss. You have already told him that he can come back anytime without paying a price.

 

You have not set up the conditions for redemption to work. Instead you have given him all the time he’s needed to disconnect from you emotionally. He’s way ahead of you.

 

I suspect his next move will be to financially disconnect as well.

 

It’s way past time for you to push him to the back of your mind and make adjustments to your life that will protect you and your children. That should be your primary concern.

 

It is the only reasonable path open to you and I’m truly sorry to say that.

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband is to blame too yes, yes, yes, but she knew what we had been through and she could have stopped an affair from happening. She was never part of my life and now she IS. Shes right in the middle of my and my childrens lives.

 

Rainbows, had it not been her, it would've been someone else. Your entire thread consists of making excuses for him. What's that say about his character and behavior?

 

Time to stop thinking about them and focus on you. Keep posting, lots of support here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[pepperbird]

Rainbows, had it not been her, it would've been someone else. Your entire thread consists of making excuses for him. What's that say about his character and behavior?

 

 

This, right here, speaks to the quality of any "love" they may share. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else.

[Rainbows]

Thanks Pepperbird for the gentleness.

 

Its possibly why I seem in denial by other peoples standards, it really is the only way to cope sometimes.

If he has moved in with her, I cant use denial anymore...it'll be a tough blow. I just need to get that proof asap.

 

Yes I dont believe for a second the OW is not his 'new' soul mate, she is so so different to everything he was into its laughable.

But if shes giving out sex on tap and is 'easy going' im sure itll make it easy for him...but how his children arent mattering to him, is beyond my ability to analyse.

 

Schlumpy;

Ive been talking to my counselor about consequences, but im so confused as to what is he really set to loose, I feel like I cant assert much...

 

I cant buy him out of the house, so he knows he will always have his name here and can legally move back in/have a key (for what its worth).

He knows he can demand to see his kids as and when 'HE' sees fit.

He knows he can take my children around the OW, and his family (in time)

 

All he'd loose is me as his wife via divorce...but if hes chosen the OW he wont care about this fact.

He'd maybe loose the ability to gain credit/another mortgage with OW...

If he was that bothered about me or the children he'd be here now.

I certainly want to assert consequences now but I dont feel they are really going to effect him in his selfish state. He would actually get MORE of what HE wants...

 

I feel like a dog chasing my own tail.

 

Unfortunately he's walked into a situation whereby the woman must own her own home and... its quite a nice one and shes quite tidy, thanks fate

[schlumpy]

Rainbows:

 

Ok. I understand how you see it. You feel he is holding all the cards. Please don’t think I’m urging you to do something that is against your nature. You live in the real world just as I do and there are limits to what can be done. Money is always an issue. There’s the question of how to maintain your children’s standard of living. He goes off with his new girl and you go off to an empty apartment. Not fair. Not fair at all.

 

I have no cunning suggestion to alleviate the disparity of resources between the two of you. I can’t give you a magical incantation or potion that will make him care again. I don’t have a time machine you can use to fix the past.

I can only offer guidance from the information you provide. I don’t care about your husband, I only care about you. I want you safe and taking those first steps towards regaining control over your own life. I would like to see every decision you make from now on to only be in your interest and your childrens. Please accept that no matter the outcome of this situation or however long you wait – everything will change.

 

I’m out of my depth here since this is UK law but if you divorce isn’t everything split 50/50? Would you not get alimony and child support? If you work would you be able to maintain a household on that income level?

I know it’s not what you want but I can’t see any other option unless it’s to look the other way and hope he gets tired of his GF but that is what you have been doing.

 

One thing that bothers me and feel free to tell me to buzz off if you don’t want to answer. He is having sex with his new GF - right? What is it that allows you to get past that?

[Mr. Lucky]

I cant buy him out of the house, so he knows he will always have his name here and can legally move back in/have a key (for what its worth).

He knows he can demand to see his kids as and when 'HE' sees fit.

 

Rainbows, not sure where you live, but in most Western countries that's not how separation and divorce work (ask me how I know ).

 

The agreements involved stipulate everything from custody to visitation to who lives where. So your (ex) husband can't just show up demanding entrance to your house or visitation with his kids.

 

Have you spoken to a lawyer yet?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Rainbows]

When this first happened and I was hit face on by this train, I thought we were going to loose everything.

 

We are joint owners of our home.

But as I am the primary carer of our children, my husband cannot 'force' me out of this house, or ask to sell it etc 'until' our youngest child is 18....thats 17 years off!

 

This was/is our dream, forever home - we bought it FOR our family, so we stretched ourselves here.

The terms of our mortgage stands that if we sell before 5 years, we will be paying hefty hefty fees - double figure thousands.

We arent allowed to rent it out for these 5 years either.

 

My husband lived in poverty as a child so I made sure to point out to him that he was inflicting every negative part of his own childhood onto OUR children.

He said without hesitation "I'll pay for the house" - and nothing has actually changed financially, his full wage comes in as normal. I hoped that this was because he wasnt sure of what he was doing and would make a return easier!

 

If things got nasty and he takes that money from us, he will only have to pay Child Support payment - minimum of £300 a month.

Considering he's paying in £2,000 right now, thats a hell of a drop

Its unbelievable that a partner can walk away from joint responsibilities, unbelievable...

 

The other factor is my job is in jeopardy at the moment too because of these circumstances.

He doesnt live in this city anymore, so I couldnt rely on him to help with childcare arrangements/pick up/drops offs even if I wanted him to.

As we have two children under school age, id just be working to pay the extortionate nursery fees.

 

Schlumpy; Well everyone thats managed to save a relationship following an affair has had to get past the fact their spouse has had sex with the AP..

But.

It makes me feel sick. It makes me cry. Imagining him telling her he loves her afterward, I mean I read all their messages, saw the videos?

I know I will get slated for this; but I think of my children and nothing seem to stops me trying to save our family. I have too many happy memories of what our family was.

There was never a 'bad' period, there wasnt a demise of the relationship so im struggling with this contrast.

Lots of questioning of 'self worth' etc I know...

I guess its going to take a lot to get over a man that ive spent everyday of my life with for the past 16 years....

 

Mr.Lucky;

Yes Ive spoken to a couple of solicitors.

Because he is on the childrens birth certificates he has equal rights to them. I apparently 'cannot' refuse for him to see them.

If he just physically took them without my consent, the police wont be able to do anything for about 48hrs, as he is legally their father.

I cannot change the locks on the house - he has to always have a key, or he can legally break in.

He can move back into this house anytime he wanted.

 

IF we pay through court to get legal child visitation rules set up - THEN im sure I would be favored - his behavior and choices would go against him.

The majority of fathers get the every other weekend visitation ruling...

Due to the young ages of our children, he would have to take time building this up.

Its all about what is best for the children - and him taking the children to be with him alone isnt going to be in their best interest when they are so attached to me. My daughter has cried and refused to hold his hand on some visits.

 

But one day, one day in the future...he would be able to take them from me, and id have to stand there and watch, and know where they are going, and I hear the tales from my friends whom have gone through mutual splits - how they cried on the doorstep for hours after etc...

But this isnt a mutual split, this is an affair, after IVF, after loosing my first daughter, after dreaming of our family, its just incomprehensible for me and thats why I am really struggling.

 

Im not sure I can fight that level of anger that would take over.

Edited September 18, 2019 by Rainbows

[elaine567]

IF we pay through court to get legal child visitation rules set up - THEN im sure I would be favored - his behavior and choices would go against him.

 

Would it?

Adultery per se is not taken into consideration in the UK.

If he is now living with the AP in decent accommodation and she is not an addict or a criminal and is of no danger to the children, then any claim from him for custody will be just as valid.

 

I know it is hard but atm you need to take the emotion out of this and look at the reality.

Yes it is not fair, but it is what it is and no amount of " it's not fair" or it "should" be this or that, or he "should" do this or that, will make a blind bit of difference.

If he decides to stop paying for the house, or he cannot pay for the house for some reason, then the mortgage lenders will come after you as you are the other owner, so forget about thinking you have that house for the next 17 years... you may not.

You have never lived there, maybe it would be better financially to just sell it and both walk away clean... Something for you to consider.

[schlumpy]

You have never lived there, maybe it would be better financially to just sell it and both walk away clean... Something for you to consider.

 

Please re-read her post Elaine. They are facing a large penalty payment if they sell within the first five years. There is more then likely no equity to cover this fee.

 

That would give me pause too.

Edited September 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

They are facing a large penalty payment if they sell within the first five years. There is more then likely no equity to cover this fee.

 

I know that, that is what she needs to consider too, but it may be peanuts if he decides to walk away and leave her to pay the mortgage or the property ends up repossessed...

It is why during divorce the assets like the house are either taken over completely by one party, or are sold off and debts dealt with, so both can walk cleanly away with nothing left hanging over them.

[schlumpy]

I know that, that is what she needs to consider too, but it may be peanuts if he decides to walk away and leave her to pay the mortgage or the property ends up repossessed...

 

Ok. Sorry. I should have known better that you left it unsaid.

[schlumpy]

I'm sorry Rainbows but my relationship tool box is getting empty. The only thing left in there is the scorched earth policy and that means total destruction.

 

I don't see how you can avoid a drop in your standard of living. It will be either forced on you when your husband quits paying the bills because of illness, disability, loss of job, or just because he doesn't want to anymore.

 

His reliability, as you well know, is not a rock you can stand on. You must take steps to put yourself in a position that you can sustain and control. It's all you have left.

 

If you let this situation destroy you your chances for recovery become much less.

 

Put the dreams away for another day so that you can make them come true.

[Rainbows]

Elaine; With regards to our children - this is about the fact he got up and completely abandoned us!

By his own choice - he cut us off completely for 2 whole months, saw us for a few hours, then left again for 3 weeks, then saw us for a few hours, then left for 6 weeks!

 

Divorce itself, is intended for marriages that are 'Irretrievable' - and as the solicitor advised me, it is not irretrievable whilst one partner is willing to save the marriage etc.

Adultery is seen as bad decision making, he had two babies at home - but he chose to have an affair? If other aspects are compounded with that (such as; abandonment/drinking/fraud/lack of trust) this will all go toward building a picture of an irresponsible person. How HAS he been a responsible parent?

He's given us money, thats it.

 

I wouldnt have a clue what sort of woman the AP is and I would not be allowing my children around anyone I didnt know.

Psychopathic I may turn by the end of this...but I AM in control of whats best for my children.

And just stating these facts has my blood boiling right now.

 

Ive lived in our 'home' for 10 months now...and id just spent the year before that; building this damn house. Its our home not a house.

Trying to take something as huge as 'emotion' out of an equation like this is - beyond - difficult.

 

Schlumpy; I will find a way to financially sustain this home, but like I say unfortunately my husband wont have 'lost' his share, so this is why it feels as though he's not realllllly suffering any consequences, and he at least deserves consequences.

 

I got out of the house today, had a nice day...but ALL I thought about was him, 24 damn 7, I DREAM about him, to 'switch' my mind off is extremely difficult...I dont know what is wrong with me, how I can still love this man, but I am doing??

Edited September 18, 2019 by Rainbows

[Mr. Lucky]

IF we pay through court to get legal child visitation rules set up - THEN im sure I would be favored - his behavior and choices would go against him.

The majority of fathers get the every other weekend visitation ruling...

Due to the young ages of our children, he would have to take time building this up.

Its all about what is best for the children - and him taking the children to be with him alone isnt going to be in their best interest when they are so attached to me. My daughter has cried and refused to hold his hand on some visits.

 

I get the feeling you're reluctant to take this very logical next step because you see it as closing a door you want to remain open.

 

If "future Rainbows" were here, she's tell "current Rainbows" she's being foolish, naive and hopelessly delusional. Hope you listen to her, she's learned the hard way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[schlumpy]

Schlumpy; I will find a way to financially sustain this home, but like I say unfortunately my husband wont have 'lost' his share, so this is why it feels as though he's not realllllly suffering any consequences, and he at least deserves consequences.

 

I got out of the house today, had a nice day...but ALL I thought about was him, 24 damn 7, I DREAM about him, to 'switch' my mind off is extremely difficult...I dont know what is wrong with me, how I can still love this man, but I am doing??

 

Rainbows - what you love is an idealized version of your husband. It is not who he is and he will never be that person again except in your dreams.

 

Everyone grieves in their own way. You have a right to set your own timetable. Just don't let it cripple you for the rest of your life. You deserve more than that.

[Prudence V]

 

Something happened when he found out our new baby was a boy

 

Rainbows, a very similar thing happened with my xH. He was a devoted father, drew his identity from being a child-centred father of a daughter, who really was he centre of his world. He was excited about the pregnancy, but when our boy was born it triggered something inside him.

 

From being a devoted, active parent he changed almost overnight, becoming like a resentful child himself. The baby could be lying right next to him, screaming to have his nappy changed, and he would be oblivious, and would start asking me to make him something to eat.

 

There was no OW involved, but he did abandon us in a different way. He started going out for long walks on the mountain, sometimes not coming home for several days (not bothering to go to work, either). I too hoped he would eventually bond with the baby but it didn’t happen. He was unwilling to seek help of any kind, so I left. Throughout my son’s childhood, he had no relationship with his father as his father was just not interested (his sister had sporadic contact over the years). This was all 30+ years ago now.

 

My xH had a complicated relationship with his parents, and he absolutely saw his inability to relate to his own son as a consequence of that - but that changed nothing. Your H may ascribe his own failure to bond with his son to childhood issues - but unless he does something about that, it changes nothing. You can hold out hope, but if he’s like my xH then you’ll be hoping for a long time with nothing changing, and your kids’ childhoods tarnished by his ghost.

[Rainbows]

Prudence; Wow. Yes very similar...thats why I felt this affair was an escape tool.

 

How old was his daughter when this happened?

How did he react to you leaving?

Did he ever acknowledge the connection between his childhood and there being something really wrong in the way he reacted to his son being born?

Did he visit his children etc?