REAL LOVE Affair or Male Postnatal Depression? (Baby loss)

[pepperbird]

op,

I am not a money person, so I have no advice to offer about the finances of your situation. I did want to say that I understand your concern about the way your husband has been treating your children.

 

I know it's galling, but try not to let it show to your kids. He's their dad, so he is half of who they are, in a manner of speaking. You don't have to praise him, but don't run him down either. Let them know he loves them.

 

That's a tall order, but the dividends it will pay will be great. Kids aren't as stupid as some adults think...they'll figure him out pretty quickly. I have a feeling that you already know all that I've said here and are putting it into practice.

 

I'll say it again- please, look after yourself. you've been thrown a real curve ball...it's okay to cry, scream, shout, even rage if you want to. I know it sounds corny, but there is something very cathartic about picturing a pillow as being the stressors in one's life and then just beating the hell out of it. It doesn't hurt the pillow, and it feels darned good:laugh:. In all seriousness, is there a good friend or family member you trust who you can maybe have dinner with and talk through all of this?

[Prudence V]

How old was his daughter when this happened?

 

She was older than your daughter - in primary school at that time

How did he react to you leaving?

 

He went through a range of reactions - initially he “didn’t care”, then he became angry and blamed me for everything that was wrong in his life, and then he settled into depression. TBH, I was focused on single parenting the kids, so him and his reactions weren’t really my primary concern at the time (though he clearly felt this was another of my failings)

 

Did he ever acknowledge the connection between his childhood and there being something really wrong in the way he reacted to his son being born?

 

He did - he blamed his parents quite openly, but didn’t actually try to address it in any way. He felt that it was their responsibility to identify their failings and make it up to him in some way, and that everything would be solved through some unstated process.

 

 

Did he visit his children etc?

 

He would occasionally phone his daughter, but pretty much just pretended that his son didn’t exist. He did once visit a friend who was working at our son’s school, and the friend suggested he meet up with his son, but his son wasn’t interested (he was busy playing with friends) at that point so there wasn’t really any contact with him.

 

As adults, there has been the odd visit, but no real relationship to speak of.

[Rainbows]

Yeah I talk to my friends about this constantly and they are all very frustrated with his behavior, like I say though its easy for them to say he has no right to treat us this way and expect to just turn up as and when he wants, but the law seems to say the opposite.

 

He was meant to see us Friday - cancelled, apparently the stress of the situation.

He was meant to see us today - cancelled, again because hes stressed.

 

But the OW posted another little 'hint' on her social media that they were together, playing happy families.

Its never enough for a 'gotcha' but enough to send you into a frenzied paranoia that your kids have just been cancelled so he can be with the OW and HER child.

 

Im really struggling this week, I tried to just get out with the children and enjoy the day but ended up crying in the middle of the street

[schlumpy]

Rainbows: Feel the pain but refuse to suffer.

[Tristian]

Reopened by OP request.

[Rainbows]

Thanks.

 

 

Just an offloading post;

Its going to be a bit of a tough week as its his 40th.

Maybe that seems strange to say, but im a really sentimental person & really go all out for his birthday.

 

Just crazy to think - he will be celebrating this milestone birthday with people whom weren't even there for him this time last year, yet alone the last 12yrs...the person whom was stood by his side for the last 16?...discarded like trash.

 

I think about the possibility that IF this affair is ongoing, that it could be the opportunity to have to introduce the OW to his family in order to celebrate together. It just really hurts. Double betrayal.

 

Just such a bizarre situation to not be being told if the affair is ongoing, or be able to talk about the future or anything with him.

For him to be treating 'me' like 'I' had the affair and deserve to be punished.

[Mr. Lucky]

Just such a bizarre situation to not be being told if the affair is ongoing, or be able to talk about the future or anything with him.

 

That silence means more than anything he could say, communicates his intentions with crystal clarity. Sooner or later, you'll get tired of looking backwards and start considering the future...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Veronica73]

*shakes head*

He doesn’t deserve you.

 

In any way shape or form.

 

If he ever

ever

ever tries to come back...I hope you make him do 10,000% of the work.

He should be deeply ashamed of himself.

[Rainbows]

There is never ever going to be an excuse for an 'affair', I dont even know HOW people can do it...but I sometimes blame myself for making him feel like he needed to escape; for being a nagging wife, I was just consumed with our stressful circumstances.

 

I wanted to be appreciated for being the mother at home etc, he wanted to be appreciated for being the man out at work...

I see my friends with young children going through the same arguments, I never thought it would cause a breakdown in our marriage, especially whilst he never mentioned any problems etc.

But I know I could have done better, I was just finding my feet as a new mother of two.

 

So I do sometimes feel like if I had the 'chance' I could show him how much I do/always did appreciate him.

Instead this OW has come along and is doing the job for me.

[mark clemson]

^^^^^ The above may be true, but unless you were truly awful, "unlivable with" it doesn't all make sense that he should react this way. He should be working with you to make the marriage livable and then from livable to lovable instead of doing this.

 

IMHO he's working out his childhood/FOO issues and unfortunately you are the main victim. It's not logical, but he's doing it anyhow, which explains the depression etc that he feels. I could be wrong about all this, but IMO either way you're really not to blame for all this.

[Mr. Lucky]

I see my friends with young children going through the same arguments

 

Did their husbands run away, betraying their wives and abandoning their small children???

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

But I know I could have done better.

 

You, and everybody else... Why are you so hard on yourself. You are human, doing the best job you can, just like everybody else...

 

I see my friends with young children going through the same arguments, I never thought it would cause a breakdown in our marriage.

 

Indeed, these women are not perfect either - and yet, their husbands have not strayed from their marriages. The difference is not the “quality” of the wife, rather the “character” of the husband...

[Rainbows]

Good points...

(Sorry Mark whats FOO issues?)

 

So it is his 40th birthday tomorrow, I have poured my heart out to him this week in txts, Ive expressed how it will hurt to be on the back foot of this special occasion when just 8 months ago I was his everything...

 

He has actually booked us and the kids a table for lunch.

 

But because of the awful position that Im in (the NOT knowing if he's still having the affair)...I dont know wether to feel that its a positive sign or just another 'convenience' for him (to see his children 'before' he goes out with his family...or worse still the OW)

 

But I do realise he didnt have to see 'me', even though ive expressed how important his birthday is to me, he didnt need to choose to spend the day with us.

 

I hope its a step in the right direction?

[BaileyB]

Rainbows, I can appreciate that you are grieving the life that you wanted/thought you had - specifically around the occasion of his 40th birthday right now.

 

I’m just not sure that he is deserving of as much as a card right now, never mind your undying love and attention by text and a family dinner...

 

And again, I think the fact that he won’t tell you whether the affair is still active indicates pretty clearly that it is - people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

I’m worried about you. Take care of yourself and your children. He is a big boy, he is making his own decisions... he seems to be taking care of himself just fine.

[schlumpy]

I hope its a step in the right direction?

 

I expect you to come back here after dinner and tell us if it was a step in the right direction. For your sake, I hope so.

[Rainbows]

Well...he was in a very positive mood toward me for once.

I was a little upset that he could only spend just over 3 hours with us though, as his family had a meal/drinks out planned for him in the evening...

I told him Id like to be invite(!) but I didnt get an invite....and so despite the positive afternoon we had had, I again got wrapped up in my confusion;

 

Was it a positive sign that he had spent the daytime with us on his 40th Birthday?

Or was it just convenience because he wanted to see his children quickly?

Why couldnt I just be happy that he had seen us?

My mind was spinning.

I began to imagine him sitting there with his family clinking glasses, and I felt shunned, that the family he'd 'hated' for the last 12 years were throwing this party for him and I, his wife - the only person by his side all these years...8 months ago his 'everything', was at home looking after our children.

It all felt such a 360 situation.

 

The next day I again began the quest of trying to ascertain via texts; WHY are we not actively trying to save our marriage? Can he just agree that we can try something?

The more he avoided the question/ignored me, the more I messaged...

 

After seeing us Friday, he said he'd go back home the day after and then come back to see us Sunday/today.

He finally responded to say that my messages had made him feel so guilty that he felt anxious and couldnt face coming.

I explained that my emotions are valid too and I am so confused and we need to talk as the only way I can communicate is by text which isnt getting us anywhere.

When I point out all the reasons we should be trying to save our marriage - he ONLY see's that as me trying to make him feel guilty? But Im not - its not a form of punishment, but a form of motivation? How do I communicate this with him!?

 

It was quite an act of fate, that I then bumped into him in our home town - out shopping with his Mum.

I wasnt mad he'd lied - infact I said Id rather you lie about being out with your Mum than with another woman as thats where I thought you'd be!

 

SO...if he was with us and his family Friday, he'd stayed over with is family all day Saturday and Sunday...that doesnt leave much time for OW on his 40th birthday!

BUT if the affair isnt ongoing, or its not as serious as a proper relationship...WHY isnt he trying to work with me, or talk or something for our childrens sakes.

 

He said he cant reply to my messages as he doesnt want to give me any 'false hope'.

 

The other aspect was how during this chance encounter his Mum basically ignored me, he said they knew my messages had upset him...but hes a 40 year old man that cheated on his wife when we had a 10 week old baby at home!?

So I do wonder if his family are working against the cause of our marriage remaining intact, as I and our counsellor had originally suspected.

 

And so, I am still very much confused with a man that forces me to read between the lines, which leaves so much room for misinterpretation and presumption I could be ending my marriage not ever really knowing why did my husband have an affair, what happened to our relationship, what was the problem, why couldnt we save it.

Thats why I feel in torment.

 

Begging psychologically pushes people in the opposite direction, so I dont know why I do it but its a natural reaction...to act happy to attract him back seems so difficult to try and do.

[schlumpy]

You are trying to put together a picture puzzle but the pieces you are using all come from different sets. Someone has mixed them all together.

 

His values are not your values, thus there is no meeting of the minds. There is no "getting him to understand." You say black he hears white.

 

Quit attempting to analyze everything to death. When someone abuses me I do everything in my power to remove myself from their influence. I don't go back for more. It has to do with self-preservation and self-respect.

 

Your not his bobo doll.

[BaileyB]

I can only imagine how difficult it must be to come to terms with the new reality 10 weeks after giving birth, with young children. But, this man is treating you terribly. There is no excuse for his behavior. At some point, you will need to protect yourself and your children.

[confusedinadaze]

I’m so sorry OP for everything you are going through right now. Let me be honest with you, if he can treat you like that when you have two small children, there is no saying what else he is capable of. He is a forty year old man and all traits are in-built by that age. Heal slowly, concentrate on the kids and yourself, seek guidance and counseling from family and friends and move forward in your life without him. You and you’re children don’t need that kind of a person in your lives.

[Rainbows]

Perhaps I didnt have much self-respect prior to the affair and the affair has obliterated its remains entirely...

I dont know why I am the only partner/parent trying to save this.

 

I feel completely betrayed, by my husband, by the OW (to be able to do this to another human being) and by my husbands family.

 

You have to then look at my own relationship with my parents> my mother has said such things to me as 'No wonder your husband left you'...

I unfortunately dont have people around me telling me im a great person, I have the opposite and it makes everything harder...

(And then you add in the fact I have mental health problems.)

Its going to be difficult trying to tell me to pick up the pieces and march away from what gave me so much meaning & joy in my life for 16 years.

 

We were so damn happy, this is so damn confusing.

 

Having his mother infront of me, ignoring me, but trying to engage with my children, hurt as much as I thought it would.

If we didnt have children this would be a lot easier to walk away and let him remain in his consequences.

 

But after IVF, stillbirth, everything I went through to have our family, its just too much for me to cope with; handing over the most precious people in my life, to people whom do not have their best interests at heart, whom cant sacrifice for them, whom cant even prioratise them.

I have done everything for them since they were 'conceived' to this day...its very difficult and this is the main aspect of pain for me.

 

I have an appointment with a solicitor in a few weeks.

[Mr. Lucky]

Its going to be difficult trying to tell me to pick up the pieces and march away from what gave me so much meaning & joy in my life for 16 years.

 

Rainbows, the reality is that life often makes decisions for us, usually before we’re ready.

 

We lose jobs, parents, siblings and yes, spouses too. Both a curse and a blessing, the sting coming from the fact there’s no way to prepare beforehand.

 

But the blessing comes from the growth circumstances demand of us. You will survive this, be a stronger person and emerge empowered by will and resilience you don’t even know you have.

 

I’m glad you’re seeing a lawyer. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

I recently read a quote that said “growing older becomes about learning to start over.” And, I thought to myself - how true.

 

Mr Lucky is right, life does sometimes make decisions for use, before we are ready. Our job is then to learn how to start over - to develop the resiliency to dream a new dream and to start over again...

 

Is it fair, what he has done? Absolutely not. You deserve more from your husband and I wish it was different for you. But, the sad reality is that he has changed the game and you now need to learn to start over. You need to do it for yourself, but more importantly you need to do it for your children.

 

I hope you had a good counsellor, and a good lawyer. You will need both. Keep posting - if you don’t have support from your family, you will find support here. You can do this! We are all rooting for you...

[pepperbird]

Chumplady is a site that can be helpful to women and men who have been cheated on by their spouse and who don't plan on reconciling. It can put steel in your spine and fire you up to fight for yourself.

 

It's not so great if you are reconciling.

[Rainbows]

We saw him again recently.

I asked him face to face did he want a divorce. He thought carefully and said no.

So, I listed the possible reasons I felt were preventing him from taking the steps for us to try save our marriage..

He said it was an accumulation and that it was easy for me to be so positive.

One of the main aspects he keeps coming back to is how he 'doesnt believe' I will forgive him, or make positive changes in our relationship.

SO FRUSTRATING.

 

However the next day I saw how my husband had 'hearted' the OW's latest profile photo on social media, and that was it, again not solid 'proof' to say he IS continuing the affair, but it made me feel angry.

 

I sent him an email (because he wont talk) and said with clarity that I refuse to be second best, because I am not and my children should never see their mother treated as such.

I told him how 'I' could proudly tell my children that I did everything I could to save their family.

That I shouldnt be telling him 'how' to feel...but that he had a choice to fix his family or to sacrifice everything we've built together for another woman.

 

He ignored it.

 

I was going to start a divorce (still always hoping it doesnt end up that way)

But I started to feel like I was the stupid one again...

I sent him another email saying that we needed to try and fix this marriage 'before' we throw it away, that it wasnt just about us and how the impacts spread vastly across many lives.

 

He ignored it.

 

And sure enough, the emotional abuse of being 'ignored' sent me crazy again.

It truly is the worst torture possible.

On top of the feelings an affair bring upon your self confidence, to be ignored makes me feel like im worthy of nothing.

 

I feel like a single parent in every sense, he doesnt seem to care about the impacts on them and its so difficult with the ages they are. SO difficult.

 

He either just wants to run away from the mess hes created, or he really doesnt know what to do...

He's not been seen out with the OW, theres no real proof, if it is an affair its not a very open one.

 

I feel like im having a breakdown, I am trying to get a Drs appointment.

I hate what this has done to me as a mother, which makes me feel even worse and the circle continues

Edited October 10, 2019 by Rainbows

[BaileyB]

Sending you hugs. It won’t always be this hard.

 

I wonder if you will feel a weight lifted if/when you actually make a decision and take control of your own life.

 

You are doing the right thing. It takes two to have a marriage. It takes two to save a marriage. And right now, you are only one. He shows no consideration for you or your children and no remorse for the pain he is causing.

 

Take care of yourself.