elaine567 Posted January 25, 2020 Share Posted January 25, 2020 On 1/23/2020 at 6:04 PM, vla1120 said: He's having his cake and eating it too by keeping you hanging out on the back burner while he decides what he wants. I don't think he is keeping her on the back burner, I think that is the position she has adopted. She is sticking in where where she is frankly not wanted. He is meeting his financial obligations more than fully but that is in lieu of direct and frequent contact with the OP and the kids. I guess if he could wave a wand and have the OP and the kids disappear in a puff of smoke then he would do it... Sorry to say. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbows Posted January 25, 2020 Author Share Posted January 25, 2020 Elaine, thats pretty much what Ive summised myself in my last post. You did see the posts about my low self esteem right? Unable to shake the feeling of love for my husband. Itd be easier if I could wave a wand and not feel anything for him itd be easier for me too! But if he wants us to disappear...why is he not divorcing, why is he not informing me of the affair status, instead he's leaving me clueless and thus continuing to message him in confusion as to why one minute we're having lunch together and the next he's cut me off to dead silence. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 25, 2020 Share Posted January 25, 2020 YOU can divorce him. I know you don't want to upset the apple cart,as he is atm paying over the odds, but that I guess is a temporary arrangement and you need to start facing reality and get on with your own life without him. He could pull the rug under your feet even further and tip you into all sorts of financial and legal issues, the sooner you find out the better. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 25, 2020 Share Posted January 25, 2020 3 hours ago, Rainbows said: The most frustrating part is however, I dont know, its all still GUESSING games, which could be very wrong It’s not guessing games. Who cares if he is currently involved with this other woman... He involved himself with another woman during your marriage and he has completely walked out on you and your children for the past year. There is nothing vague or confusing about his intentions or his actions, however ACCEPTANCE is another thing entirely. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbows Posted January 28, 2020 Author Share Posted January 28, 2020 A lot of people talk of karma or how the majority of affairs do not last over 2 years, that it will end and he will feel such regret and shame. If I had foresight that this would be true, it would in the least help the healing, to know that evil doesnt always win, but I feel like he's going to get his happy ever after, after using me up and spitting me out, after doing something so so wrong (not just by the affair but leaving me with a newborn baby and toddler after everything id been through etc) I feel un-healable and I know I wouldnt be here if it not for living for my children, my pain is that bad. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 You needn't worry about the future. It will come soon enough and your issues will resolve themselves one way or another. Don't expect anyone to look out for you if you won't look out for yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 2 hours ago, Rainbows said:If I had foresight that this would be true, it would in the least help the healing, to know that evil doesnt always win, but I feel like he's going to get his happy ever after, after using me up and spitting me out, after doing something so so wrong (not just by the affair but leaving me with a newborn baby and toddler after everything id been through etc) Rainbows I very much doubt his A is ongoing. If it is, chances are it’s bringing neither of them much happiness. His depression and other mental health issues mean he’s not great R material for anyone right now, but that is neither here nor there. This shouldn’t be about him anymore - he has done nothing to earn your devotion, your interest or attention. He’s been a crappy parent, an awful partner, and a great disappointment in all regards. If you can’t make this about you, at least make it about your kids. They deserve at least one parent. Right now they’re getting only that fraction of you that isn’t constantly thinking of him, and nothing at all of him. Is that fair on them? And of course it’s not fair on you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbows Posted February 10, 2020 Author Share Posted February 10, 2020 (edited) I stopped messaging him. Completely. 2 Weeks ago. Ive been able to be a better mother and mentally stronger! Although I still think about him constantly. I felt this is the time for his consequences to sink in. I thought it may just happen... And I now I have just found some clues which indicate he's introduced her to his family....and that he has purchased/renting a new property with her and her daughter... I feel like ive fallen through the ground and into hell, I dont know why its a shock and yet it is...my nightmares are actually true, its all unfolding as true, its not changing, theres no regret? Not even from her. They are the affair thats surviving, thats progressing into a relationship actually condoned and enabled by those around them. THEY are getting everything they want, they are happy, yet they are the destroyers. He's replaced us and literally swapped his whole life in the matter of 12 months. I wont be reaching out to him. I will slowly try to take everything under my wing until im in the right financial place to divorce. I know the phrase is if your going through Hell keep going....but I do still wish for him to return full of remourse and rebuild our family, because the journey ahead is 100x worse and terrifies me. Edited February 10, 2020 by Rainbows 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 Is there someone close to you that you trust? Someone who you think won life's lottery but it's really because they made all the good decisions and avoided the bad ones? Borrow that person's willpower to make the decisions you need to make that are in your own best interest. It would be so much simpler if someone could hug the pain out of you but the whole time they were hugging you, you would be thinking of him. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 (edited) Few unabused men will leave their wife and family for pure single-hood, there is usually a woman in the mix. The fact he kept his distance and showed no signs of trying to reconcile with you, was a good indication he was moving forward in a different direction. Even the pull of his own kids was not enough.to make him stay or to want to be around for them. He, I guess is never coming back to you. You need to embrace that. Edited February 10, 2020 by elaine567 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 On 1/25/2020 at 12:30 PM, Rainbows said: But if he wants us to disappear...why is he not divorcing, why is he not informing me of the affair status, i I imagine he hasn't talked of an official "divorce" because he will be court ordered to pay child support and possible alimony. It is cheaper to keep you the way you are now. He isn't discussing his affair(s) because he doesn't feel it's any of your business and will only bring more trouble. I actually think he has another OW at this point. He isn't coming back. He has abandoned you and your kids. You are free to go in God's eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 3 minutes ago, stillafool said: I actually think he has another OW at this point. NO, the same one, only he has now made her legit.. 4 hours ago, Rainbows said: And I now I have just found some clues which indicate he's introduced her to his family....and that he has purchased/renting a new property with her and her daughter... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 4 hours ago, Rainbows said: And I now I have just found some clues which indicate he's introduced her to his family....and that he has purchased/renting a new property with her and her daughter... Oh sorry, I didn't read this last post. Sorry this happened but now maybe you'll be able to move on. 4 hours ago, Rainbows said: ....but I do still wish for him to return full of remourse and rebuild our family, because the journey ahead is 100x worse and terrifies me. You're kidding, right? It's time for you to get your head together for you and your kids and get ready to move on without him. He isn't coming back. I'm sorry but at this point you would be the one keeping your kids and yourself in this pain. It's time to move on to divorce and financial support. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 4 hours ago, Rainbows said: Although I still think about him constantly. I felt this is the time for his consequences to sink in. What consequences? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbows Posted February 10, 2020 Author Share Posted February 10, 2020 Stillafool; Well, this whole year whilst he hasnt confirmed the affair, he's given me small glimmers of hope, the last being December, telling me in relation to us; 'Theres always hope, think about that'... so ive always been here, second guessing, with the kids by my side, inviting him and including him in literally everything for them, he knows anyday anytime he could come round... The consequences are now; ive stopped begging him, inviting him, being here ready. Im not going to message him. What other consequence can I offer really other than divorce and seperating all our accounts etc. (He is paying more than he should financially so that isnt an issue.) I dont believe he will ever allow the guilt to come over him, he's buried his head, thinking purely of himself and his joyus 'feelings' and what hurts me is that they will be the affair that survives all the stats/karma and I have suffered the injustice of such a lack of respect for our marriage and family, after EVERYTHING it took of me to physically create it...I just dont know this man. To just have given us that one chance, to say I cant leave my family right now, they were babies. I would have shown that we at least meant 'something' to him even in past tense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 11, 2020 Share Posted February 11, 2020 I am puzzled by your continued interest in this guy. This is someone who had a viscerally negative reaction to your son, his son. It's hard to find a more troubling behavior that that. You want that kind of man around the kid. That's really not healthy for the kid. I'm putting this as gently and politely as possible--heck I might as well say it. I think it would be cruel ... and a form of abuse ... to subject your son to a parent who has a visceral, reflexive, rejecting attitude towards him. Physically negative reaction. Recoiling. A kid that grows up not just with an absent dad, but a dad who cannot touch him. You must think this is minor and can be overcome if he returns ... to me, you're lost in fantasy land. And I'm going to further and say your ex probably exhibiting these horrible tendencies earlier on ... and you just blithely ignored his troubling, disturbing reactions. Seriously, you want this guy around your kid. Your would grow up and have rage at you for running around acting like dad's behavior was "normal." Your kid would grow up with a twisted and distorted view of relationships of all kinds. Please tell me you're willing to see the problem here. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbows Posted February 11, 2020 Author Share Posted February 11, 2020 (edited) Lotsgoingon??? Where has it been suggested that he is physically recoiling from his son now? Ive written this whole post about how we saw that when our son was born my husband was not bonding with him and we tried to get him help...I didnt ignore anything! I did the opposie! It happens to both men and WOMEN - Post natal depression. Its not a choice either. Thats not me in 'fantasy land'. The problem is he then CHOSE to 'escape' to an affair, much like drink or drugs, RATHER than put his effort toward getting that help and bonding with his son! Thats what this whole post is about....I thought he'd had a mental break, it was my only explination for the 'change'. I think youve got this impression of me in a frilly apron, clutching at my husbands leg, begging in a high pitched voice for him to come back no matter what he behaves like toward me or the children?!...I want to TRY to save my family unit FOR my childrens sakes. I was willing to understand and give patience. How can you not understand that this is incredibly difficult to understand and react to when your emotions and whole life is actually in the situation. (Not just me, but my parents, my family, my friends, our heads were spinning as to where this person went...) I find it too shocking that people could just change 360 like this, its too confusing, the AMAZING - I dont use that word lightly - father/husband he was has to still be there surely(?! I say that in the shock that it doesnt seem to be the case) Part of the 'trying' is to get professional HELP. The idea isnt for him to return and no changes be made! The first step is to RETURN...the second is to MEND. He needed to return to put his childrens best interests above all else and put effort into saving his marriage as their families foundation. But I cant save a marriage and family on my own, I tried my damn best, and so that is where im at...very confused, very let down, having to walk away from a marriage and family unit that did not deserve this...so many marriages have been saved in far far far worse positions than ours with far less at stake. Its very difficult for me to give up on the memory of the month before he left, cuddling on the sofa each night with me, laughing with our daughter...then BOOM Ive done everything FOR these children.. If he has prioratised another woman and HER daughter above his own flesh and blood then no, I dont want him around our children, he has made no effort toward us in these 12 months. But the LAW will take charge of that and to that I am sadly powerless! They will have to be the judge, as awful as that is as a mother to accept over the most precious people in her life. Ive researched and sent him countless articles on childs development and so many reasons for him to put them first... I feel enough guilt at the fact my children have had to see me cry and suffer through this. Edited February 11, 2020 by Rainbows 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 12, 2020 Share Posted February 12, 2020 All right, I hear you ... I was (mistakenly) sensing you were just hoping he returned and that that would be the happy ending to the story. But you make clear here that you're aware that his return would only be a first step. I stand corrected. I'm on board with your strategy of getting him to return ... and then using that connection to encourage him to get the help he needs. Sorry, I wasn't hearing that long-term strategy and awareness in a bunch of the earlier posts. I heard it clearly in this latest post. What's ironic ... is that some aggressive depression treatment could probably make a huge difference ... but I assume shame is in the way ... Here's hoping he comes to his senses. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbows Posted February 24, 2020 Author Share Posted February 24, 2020 (edited) Its been a month since I last messaged him, 2 Months since we last saw him. Im finding it difficult again recently. How can it possibly not effect my self confidence, when my best friend/husband dumps me for another woman, and is seemingly happy in his decision, even our children together hasnt equated to his attention as much as this 'woman'. What is so amazing about her. Why didnt I deserve the respect of communication about our marriage. These have been my thoughts recently. Just more questions I cant answer, cant understand and thus struggle to process. Edited February 24, 2020 by Rainbows Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 I'm still, once in awhile, dropping a prayer for you Rainbows. It's the least I can do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted February 26, 2020 Share Posted February 26, 2020 On 2/24/2020 at 8:35 AM, Rainbows said: Im finding it difficult again recently. How can it possibly not effect my self confidence, when my best friend/husband dumps me for another woman, and is seemingly happy in his decision, even our children together hasnt equated to his attention as much as this 'woman'. What is so amazing about her. Why didnt I deserve the respect of communication about our marriage. Rainbows, you are reasoning like a rational person. He is not behaving like one. He is clearly experiencing mental health issues - clinical depression, from what you describe, and possibly other issues as well. You cannot account for his behaviour as if it was a rational person making those choices. Do not think of it as about you, or as about her being “amazing”. More likely she was just a sympathetic ear at the right time - he could not speak to you because how could you possibly understand when he in all likelihood can’t understand himself? This is all about him. You wanted - expected - him to step up and be a father, of a child you’d both wanted and gone through so much to hold. He, seeing his son, felt he couldn’t be a father when he still needed parenting himself - and so returned to his family as a child. The OW - if she’s still around - has a different relationship with him that doesn’t position him as the father he’s clearly not ready to be. One where he can be “the child”, just a recipient of attention, without the expectation of responsibility or stepping up. If she starts expecting that of him, he’ll move on from her, too. He needs someone who is just focused on him, who doesn’t expect anything of him, who is willing to revolve around him like a moon while he just glows like a sun. He can’t be that with you. You see him for what he is, and you hold up a mirror for him that shows him how others see him. Seeing you, and his children, reminds him of what he’s not (ready to be). He can’t communicate that to you because he’s not able / ready to admit it to himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbows Posted February 28, 2020 Author Share Posted February 28, 2020 Thanks Schlumpy, I wish mine were anwered.. Prudence thats a really well written theory on this, one I can almost understand aswell...but this is what creates the circle of frustration, if I am the one thinking rationally, if this IS as crazy as it all is, why does it seem like he's living a better life than I am? Im 'dumped', not good enough etc, depressed, isolated....he seems happy and to be living life as though completely swapping every aspect of it has proven to be the best decision for him. I dont understand how anyone mentally CAN swap their whole lives in this way. How 'weird' it must all feel.. This is why if I had a crystal ball and was told his affair isnt going to work out, id almost feel 'better'. It would at least prove my rational thinking was going to make sence...at the moment eveythings gone and is going against that. Im pretty sure the person I knew and love is still within him - now buried deep deep down within him, and thats where his depression, guilt and shame are...and as long as he burys them and has people to 'enable' him in his pursuit of self centred happiness, then its going to be just fine for him... Thats why we're still being given his money, still connected in everyway on paper, yet not seeing him, its guilt money. I then flip my mindset to how can she or anyone enable this...no matter what he could be telling them about me, the 'facts' are known by them all; he left his wife with a newborn and toddler, born following years of IVF and tragedy, and left a 16 year relationship for someone he had known only WEEKS. They are the 'facts' that can now never change in his life. You are almost right in how the OW was probably just a sympathetic ear, he explained to our counsellor what attracted him to this woman and he simply said 'She seemed to really CARE about me' - which is a self centred statement in itself. (But jeez, what a slap in the face it was also, 16 years I loved him so so much, Im surely proving post affair in the LEAST how much I love him) The OW was financially far better off in her previous relationship, yet shes now left her family home and is supporting a man whom is paying the majority of his money to support his two children, whom is tied into another property, and marriage, and whom has nothing left to his name, whom she see's at work everyday. But they are still going... My heart still breaks for my children to not grow in the family we planned. It still breaks for him, for all the little moments he's missing and can never get back. And I still wonder, why have I not reacted like so many betrayed wives have. Why would I still be willing to accept him back home? Why can I not see myself with another man ever again? These are questions I hope to find the answers for somewhere wihin myself. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 5 hours ago, Rainbows said: I then flip my mindset to how can she or anyone enable this...no matter what he could be telling them about me, the 'facts' are known by them all; he left his wife with a newborn and toddler, born following years of IVF and tragedy, and left a 16 year relationship for someone he had known only WEEKS. They are the 'facts' that can now never change in his life. That she can accept a man that is cheating on his wife and two infant children is a testimony of her character. She is setting herself up for failure. Why you want a man that cheats on his wife and infant children is also a testimony and you also are also setting yourself up for failure. You both have that in common. Reset your life Rainbows. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted February 29, 2020 Share Posted February 29, 2020 On 2/28/2020 at 8:06 AM, Rainbows said: I then flip my mindset to how can she or anyone enable this... You ask this, Rainbows, and then you wonder: On 2/28/2020 at 8:06 AM, Rainbows said: Why would I still be willing to accept him back home? Both of you are doing the same - giving him the benefit of the doubt, recognising his struggles, centring him. You say she’s (financially, at least) worse off with him than she was; she’s taking a hit to keep him in her life - as are you. You may not be financially worse off keeping him in your life, but you are clearly emotionally, socially, romantically and sexually worse off than you’d be if he wasn’t in your head. He’s a poor wounded puppy, tugging at your - and her - heartstrings, and you’re both primed to respond to him with care and concern rather than putting yourselves first. There is nothing inherently wrong with your response, Rainbows - it shows you’re a caring person, who wants to make things better for others. But this should not come at your own expense, and certainly not at the expense of your children. You cannot love him whole again. He has to heal himself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbows Posted March 1, 2020 Author Share Posted March 1, 2020 (edited) The OW is 'part' of the destruction, it takes two to create and sustain an affair, I 'saw' her messages, she knows what shes done to this family - as its no longer a family...she is immoral, selfish...I could add a list of negative words here. (As is he) I know some couples may mutually decide to seperate shortly after giving birth, BUT its got to be rare...she wanted what she wanted regardless of the situation and destruction of a much wanted family/marriage. I feel like people should be wrapping their arms around me and saying im so sorry that youve been dealt this situation after everything you physically and mentally went through as a woman to create these children. How he and she could do this to someone after just giving birth? To knowingly destroy by pursuing selfish desires. Instead I feel like my friends are rolling their eyes at me to hurry up and get over it. Its only now that I have evidence that he's living with her and her child(!) that I can come to terms with the affair HAS been ongoing all this time. What I say re enablement refers to the the old 'How can she sleep at night'....to be the OW in an affair, is there any self reflection at any point?; how can she not have thought one thought about me..does she wonder why Ive never confronted her..does she fear the day will come when the affair will get called out..does she even feel guilt for me or my family.. Injustice really hurts. I believe my reaction is hugely based on my theory of family. If he turned up on the doorstep tomorrow, full of genuine remourse, desperate to be a good father (again) from that moment onward, and to work slowly toward re-connecting this family, I cant see how that isnt the best scenario for my children (because they are so young) Vs the 'way' this family has been severed... It SO difficult raising two children this age, its got nothing to do with a break either as people may think, I have a break when I go to work, I miss them terribly, but as soon as im home BOOM its double the hard work again, two children and one pair of hands is what is difficult. Even doing 'fun' things with them is difficult and that upsets me greatly. I managed to sneak downstairs and watch a bit of TV last week for the 2nd time in this last year...I ended up crying as the TV went off and I had no one to turn to talk about what id just watched. He 'was' my best friend id just spent everyday of 16 years building a life with and Im 'grieving' that huge loss in the most awful of circumstances. As I now 'know' she is his priority now, that he has abandonded us yet again, that is it in terms of my contact with him - I havent contacted him in over a month now, im focussing on just me and the children....and I am mentally getting on a lot better. He's no longer in our lives now and thats the decision I have made. BUT beyond my control is how do you get someone out of your head after such a 'wound'? When you look at your children and they look just like him, all our belongings attach a memory, every place attaches a memory, and all those memories are attached to the feeling of 'love' and this is where the confusion lies, my mind 'remembers' him with love and isnt connecting the hate that is there when I think about what he is 'doing'. I have a problem with self esteem/priority, thats obvious. Edited March 1, 2020 by Rainbows Link to post Share on other sites
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