REAL LOVE Affair or Male Postnatal Depression? (Baby loss)

[BaileyB]

When I read your posts Rainbows, I can’t help but think of the Serenity Prayer. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Injustice is hard. Life is not fair sometimes. It’s not fair that you are left with all the stress, all the work, and all the pressure of raising your children while he is off doing his own thing... but, that is what it is. I would suggest that you are also given the opportunity to enjoy the love and joy of your children, which makes you the real winner here, but I can appreciate that some days when you are in the trenches, it doesn’t feel that way. 

The simple truth is - he is making his own decisions and you have no control over that. You only have control over yourself, and you only have so much emotional energy - spend it wisely. While you have things to work through, and I believe that will take you years, not days, you chose where to expend your emotional energy. I would suggest - he and his OW are not worth the energy you spend on them. I hope you are able to change your focus to healing yourself and caring for your children. Best wishes.

Edited March 1, 2020 by BaileyB

[Rainbows]

An update; well there is no update, still no sight or word from my husband. 3 Months this time.

I am hoping karma is at work with this quarantine...let him and his 'girlfriend' annoy the hell out of one another, cooped up in their 'new' living arrangments, all working from home and with her daughter!

This crisis felt an awful time to not have my husband here with us, as a crisis brings people together, to care and protect those they love...and for me to imagine him in another house, with another woman, and another daughter at this time...it hurts.

But Im used to this now, im used to doing everything 100% by myself and living in permanent stress. I had to ask a few people for help today to help me get out of the house to shop, but I did it. Im doing it all. 

What has he gained Vs what he has sacrificed is UNbelievable...I see so many stories on here of peoples 'realisations' - something which doesnt look to have happened for my husband, it all seems worth it to him?

The isolation and struggle this virus has created isnt really anyting new for me! But the terror of if anything were to happen to me is paramount at the moment. The quarantine has however given some extra time for negative thoughts, naturally... 'visions' creeping in of him with her, which I never normally have thought about too depply. It lead me to looking for things to torture myself with - and seeing more of his family befriend her on social media, it really really really hurts.

I had always held hope for us, holding my own brothers relationship as an example - he split with his now wife for over a year and they have been together 28 years now. There are positive outcomes out there, there are the stats which beholden affair relationships as doomed...

But I feel like he is a complete stranger already.

[schlumpy]

Sorry you are still in a holding pattern but you do seem closer to landing than before.

My thoughts are with you Rainbows and I pray that an opportunity will present itself that will be a clear path to a new life.

[Rainbows]

I thought I was Schlumpy, I was despising him, I had lost respect for him...that was yesterdays....today I saw some of our photos, seeing his face again, the face I saw for 16years and its absolutely grieving to not see it anymore, the feeling seeing him gives me is that I still love him, the photos of us laughing together.

I feel at this point (14 months after he left) it could never be the same again. I cant believe what he's sacrificed What we had...I cant fathom what he's gained...except sex.

[SummerDreams]

On 3/28/2020 at 5:29 PM, Rainbows said:

.I cant fathom what he's gained...except sex.

To be honest not only that. I think he has gained his freedom from all the drama and the tragedy that you and the kids were bringing to him. He wanted a carefree relationship, one without problems. It seems all your years together were full of drama, first with his family, then with the IVF, then the dead baby, then another IVF, a son he didn't feel a connection with... I mean, one can love philosophical movies with many meanings that they have to discover and the drama of it all, but a time comes when this person will just want to watch a reality show and laugh with idiotic jokes. The drama of your family with him was too much for him. I'm not saying he was right with what he did of course, I'm just offering a reason why he did it. And you thinking he only gained sex is a mistake. This way you will never get over it and move on because it's a hard pill to swallow that your H only left his W and kids for sex. No. He left to maintain his mental health. He did it in a selfish and cruel way, but no, it was not only sex imo.

[Rainbows]

Drama that I and my children were bringing 'to him'? - I went through exactly the same tragedies, LIFE brought us them...but I upheld the RESPONSIBILITY and COMMITMENTS that we vowed to...or these children would be parentless.

Im glad his mental health is protected then...yet hes on the highest does of anti-depressants hes ever been on, he gained 2 stone, he's suffered more physical ailments than ever during our relationship (kidney, liver, heart problems). It doesnt look like he's doing great to me...but 'carefree' is certainly what he is.

Id hardly say a relationship that starts as an affair - and one that splits not one but TWO FAMILY units and households is 'carefree' or 'void of DRAMA'.

And as I have pointed out, he showed no signs of unhappiness UNTIL he found out our baby was going to be a BOY. (And I am not stupid, I spotted something was wrong with my husband pretty much to the week this affair STARTED) I wasnt dragging this man around like a dead weight husband.

 

Please dont refer to my daughter as 'the dead baby' surely you could understand that these words sting, there are better ways of phrasing this? 'The loss of your baby' for example.

[schlumpy]

14 minutes ago, Rainbows said:

Drama that I and my children were bringing 'to him'? - I went through exactly the same tragedies, LIFE brought us them...but I upheld the RESPONSIBILITY and COMMITMENTS that we vowed to...or these children would be parentless.

I, for one, honor you for holding to that commitment. Now let's start working on your self respect. My approval or others approval will not fill the void that is in your heart right now.

You've made a good start in that direction with no contact but you're still far from the finish line and a new beginning. I want that new beginning for you.

[SummerDreams]

1 hour ago, Rainbows said:

Please dont refer to my daughter as 'the dead baby' surely you could understand that these words sting, there are better ways of phrasing this? 'The loss of your baby' for example.

I'm really sorry, I take it back, you are totally right. Sorry english is not my first language.

[BaileyB]

If I may, it is clearly about more than sex. Its not actually about this other woman at all. This situation is related entirely to your husband - who is apparently struggling with his physical and mental health. It’s difficult not to think that he had exhausted his ability to cope, which is why he walked away...

His behaviour is extreme and speaks to the mental health, trauma, and attachment issues he has experienced in his life. 

[Rainbows]

Thanks Schlumpy.
I am aching to cut him from our lives completely, to help my anxiety levels, to pretend he never existed (as photos are too painful to look at and only hold 'happy' memories)... however as I use money from our joint account, theres still a conscious connection, but as my solicitor advised if he's giving me his money voluntarily why rock the boat, use it for your children.

And yet the very fact we are still connected (in marriage/in surname) is an attachment I still dread severing? To become 'nothing' to one another, is awfully sad.

Im still dreaming of him? So much of my subconcious thinks of him daily.

He will have 'gotten' away with doing what he did - without ever hearing what it did to me, without a face to face conversation as every D day should - as every contact id made with him since it was found out, was always about trying to focus on the positive and moving forward to heal our family, especially as all he ever gave as a reason was 'You will never forgive me for this'.

Re SummerDreams point; I recall he did say at one point, life had 'f**ked us over with too much grief and trauma'... the irony is however, him having an affair after we'd just had a healthy baby, only added to MY lifes grief and trauma...and in time, it surely has to add to 'his'...surely at some point in his life he will look back at this abandonment and feel like the scum of the earth...

No one can predict what life is going to throw at them and fate is free to hit him and this new woman with negative events just as much as anyone else...

The stillbirth of our baby after IVF was obviously difficult but we dealt with it responsibly and he said that he was at peace.

With regards to IVF itself, I dont want to play down a mans role but, I as the woman had to go through those cycles 'physically' and mentally, alongside the traumatic births of all three children...I cant see how these particular life events over a span of 16 years, pushed a man into an affair - something, which he knew would screw me and our children up...he knew I didnt 'deserve' that, I had just given so much of myself in order for him/us to have 'our' family...its beyond cruel, its narcissistic beyond belief?

Escapism has consistently been my belief behind this - as part of a breakdown/PND, but my comment about what he has 'gained' was referring to what I 'didnt' give him...in comparison to what 'she' is giving him. I gave him love, loyalty, support, understanding...what I didnt give him was sex like she is. (As per messages/photos Id seen)

Bailey, if this is all due to his breakdown upon the birth of our baby boy, its tragic, and it still makes me feel sad for him...its no longer justifiable however, as he's been a coward that has just uped and ran away - whilst I offered him so so so much support, love, patience and understanding - but he's just kept running.

He should have given his marriage and family just one 'chance' - something which I believe would have earned his own inner peace also, even if it didnt work out.

I do believe he's so ashamed of himself he figures the best thing to do is to go with whats making him happy right now...he will try his best to deflect what he's done - by cutting us off as he has, yet still providing for us financially and not initiating a divorce or any seperation on paper, but whom really could keep those negative thoughts away forever. He was a good man, a good father, and he left his children

Id always be here to listen to him, and help him if he was willing to gradually heal this family, but this isnt going to happen with the OW around. It would take them breaking up for him to have to sit and realise what a mess he'd made, and he'd stlil be too ashamed to return.

I now have love and hate for him.

Edited April 1, 2020 by Rainbows

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Rainbows said:

He's been a coward that has just uped and ran away - whilst I offered him so so so much support, love, patience and understanding - but he's just kept running.

He should have given his marriage and family just one 'chance' - something which I believe would have earned his own inner peace also, even if it didnt work out.

This is what I am trying to say though, gently. I don't know that he could give your family "just one chance." You continue to think that this is a choice he has made, that he could have made a different/better choice, that he had some control in this... and I'm not sure that he really did. 

I don't know either of you, but based on what you have shared I don't know that either of you have really appreciated just how affected he has been from his early life experiences. These experiences affect his ability to form relationships, to deal with stress, etc... it doesn't sound like he has been able to effectively heal these wounds. And, until he does that it will continue to impact his every decision, his every relationship... The stress that you endured as a couple, as a family, has hastended the demise of the marriage... but, it may well have always been doomed - he is not a healthy person, not a healthy partner for you. You built a story that sounded really good - it was the two of you against the world, you had each other and you overcame your past together... He did well to build what he did for the length of time that you had, but the kind of attachment and trust issues that develop beacause of childhood trauma may be ignored for a while, but they have a way of coming to the surface eventually, whether we like it or not. 

[elaine567]

This was a first gf/first bf relationship.
Such relationships often have an expiry date, when one or the other realises they missed out on alternative life experiences.
Here the relationship was incredibly hard, one problem after another.
Your nose was to the grindstone, you were pressing on through all the trauma.
You were going nowhere no matter how bad it got
He did the same until he realised there was another life out there, a better one.
He took his nose off the grindstone, he started to look around, he liked what he saw. 
He decided to leave all the trauma behind and start a new life.
Whether that is "madness" I am not sure, maybe it is more about pursuing and preserving sanity?

[Rainbows]

I will be honest right now, I am in tears.

Elaine your comments seem cut throat to me, but the picture that seems to be being built over a few comments is that - IM an idiot for thinking that a marriage is able to survive what LIFE throws at it, that I am somehow to blame for this situation coming upon us...that I dragged this man down, that this OW is giving him a "BETTER" life?!

He did a damn good job of HIDING that he was unhappy! A damn good job!

Its all about his sanity, his mental wellbeing....WOW. What sort of world do I live in.

Well this is his childrens CHILDHOOD he's damaging...I AM STRUGGLING with every responsibility on me. Adults whom had difficult childhoods arent doomed to fail, for no one to give them a chance, for no one to marry them.

We were together 16 YEARS!!!!!!! We'd been together 11 YEARS when we had IVF and lost our baby. He even said to our counsellor he had only been unhappy for the last 12 months (of which time period - Im sure you could ask the same question of any marriage following the first year of raising a baby) he said I was an amazing wife.

What is said is added hurt to me, almost like I just lived 16 years of an illusion.

A father that says he 'hated' his newborn son...that is madness, its not healthy or normal. It may very well be due to his childhood, but abandoning that baby boy was not a way to preserve sanity.

Edited April 1, 2020 by Rainbows

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Rainbows said:

IM an idiot for thinking that a marriage is able to survive what LIFE throws at it, that I am somehow to blame for this situation coming upon us...that I dragged this man down, that this OW is giving him a "BETTER" life?!

Its all about his sanity, his mental wellbeing....WOW. What sort of world do I live in.

What is said is added hurt to me, almost like I just lived 16 years of an illusion.

A father that says he 'hated' his newborn son...that is madness, its not healthy or normal. It may very well be due to his childhood, but abandoning that baby boy was not a way to preserve sanity.

WIth respect, nobody is trying to hurt you. I hear what you are saying, but I'm not sure you are hearing what we are tying to say...

Elaine is right, you are nose to the grindstone. You are loyal and you would do anything for your family. It's difficult for you to understand how someone else would not - particularly someone you trusted, the father of your children. I get that.

But, he is not you. He is a different person. He has a different skill set. He has a different experience. 

I am like you, when the going gets tough, I get going... I would do anything for my family. My partner is the same, he would do anything for his family. But, when the going gets tough - he usually checks out and/or gives up. We approach the same situations, very differently.

You have done absolutely nothing to warrent your husband walking out on your marriage or your children. That's all on him. And what he has done is not a normal or acceptable way for a man, a father, a husband to behave. I share that same opinion.

But yeah, life is hard and people cope in different ways. You have risen to the occasion, he has not. For many reasons, he has not been able to rise to the occasion and do right by his family. It's not fair. It just is...

Edited April 1, 2020 by BaileyB

[Rainbows]

Your message has brought me some calm Bailey.

But as close as we were in our marriage, id like to think I knew his heart well enough to believe he felt the same about commitment as me. He went around telling people he would never do what his mother did to him, he was very 'concious' of that, we had enough counselling sessions about it all. Like I say this was his actual reputation.

But I understand many childhood patterns repeat themselves. I hope I can protect my children and raise them with as much emotional security as possible in this situation - but this is added pressure on me and again an aspect I feel a failure at, which adds to my grief and low self esteem.

He didnt leave when the going got tough though; when we were going through IVF, or when our baby died, or when we were raising our first newborn...he left when life was starting to 'result' for us...our baby having colic and crying just pushed his coping/bonding ability...but we were getting help, and thats the tragedy of the timing.

Yes he partook in this affair, but any woman with an ounce of morals would stay away from a married man whom had JUST had a baby. It takes two and Im dissappointed that she didnt at least play a less selfish part. It wasnt a relationship that had built up over time.

I dont know why im talking about these aspects, guess im just venting!

I admittedly need help to build myself back up. It does help to hear some form of support.

Its very difficult (probably for most people following infidelity) to 'not' think its something to do with you; your the one thats been left FOR another person, are you not pretty enough, not a good person etc... this man told me I was beautiful, I was amazing, jeez I still have texts from him just prior to starting that new job, im the only woman for him on earth, he'd die without me, and then suddenly, and in this case, completely suddenly, im hit with a lightening bolt that it wasnt true, that this man was a stranger to me and that he could fall in 'LOVE' with a complete stranger within 6 weeks (x6 hours of lunchtimes to be precise)...he'd developed a strong enough emotion, for him to put that person above his own morals and his own children.

I try everyday to be a better person/parent following this, when I fail its hard to cope with.

[elaine567]

10 minutes ago, Rainbows said:

He went around telling people he would never do what his mother did to him, he was very 'concious' of that,

He kept mentioning it as it was on his mind.
It is like "I will never hurt you" and he does.
"I will never hit you" and he does.
"I will never leave you" and he does
People who will never do these things never mention them as they are not on their mind.

25 minutes ago, Rainbows said:

this man told me I was beautiful, I was amazing, jeez I still have texts from him just prior to starting that new job, im the only woman for him on earth, he'd die without me, and then suddenly, and in this case, completely suddenly, im hit with a lightening bolt that it wasnt true, that this man was a stranger to me and that he could fall in 'LOVE' with a complete stranger within 6 weeks

What happened to you i.e. he loved you soooo much then moved swiftly on to another, is what happens every day.
Look in the break up section of the forum.
You have had no prior experience of this, you were cocooned from the normal dating practices, you fast forwarded with your first bf into marriage and kids.
It has all caught up with you. Instead of crying your eyes out when your first bf found another girl at college, you were late to the party 16 years late.
Now it is all so serious as other little lives are involved, but the dynamics of human relationships are the same.
He found someone he liked better and moved on.
That is not about you, in the same way it is not really about any of the other lost souls on the break up forum, it is about the dumper wanting something different and initiating the split.
You could be the best wife, gf, partner in the world, but if HE isn't feeling it then he will still leave.
That is the reality unfortunately.
We only get one life, and some unhappy with the life they have will upturn the apple cart in pursuit of happiness.

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Rainbows said:

He didnt leave when the going got tough though; when we were going through IVF, or when our baby died, or when we were raising our first newborn...he left when life was starting to 'result' for us...our baby having colic and crying just pushed his coping/bonding ability...but we were getting help, and thats the tragedy of the timing.

Yes he partook in this affair, but any woman with an ounce of morals would stay away from a married man whom had JUST had a baby. It takes two and Im dissappointed that she didnt at least play a less selfish part.

I try everyday to be a better person/parent following this, when I fail its hard to cope with.

Rainbows,

I too have the belief that a woman should know better than to take up with a married man who JUST had a baby... but the sad reality is that if you read these boards, there are women who feel completely justified to to this - some with shockingly little remorse. In my perfect world, a woman would respect the boundaries of another woman's marriage but that just ain't reality... As my boss had to tell some coworkers today to stop driving together in a car to pickup takeout coffee to share with others in the office during a freaking pandemic - some people just don't use the good sense that God gave them! Wishing that others will act responsibly and kindly toward others just does not make it so...

And yes, he did make it through the "tough times," but I'm sure you can understand that the "let down" can also be a vulnerable time for people. There is a reason why people get a cold, after making it through final exams or after the wedding. The body (and mind) has a way sometimes of doing what it must to survive the challenge, but the world look very different after the challenge has past. To you, it was "the good stuff" but to him, perhaps the cold reality of life as a father of two may have been too much for him - although, I would still hazzard a guess that this is something that he has been struggling with for a very long time...

As to failing - you have not failed. You are getting out of bed every morning, dealing with the crappy circumstance that "life" and your husband has handed you, and you are caring for yourself and your children with as much grace, determination, and strength as you can muster. That to me is success! Is it going to be perfect every day - no. Are you going to have moments that you stumble, of course. But, you will rise again to do what is required because you have to - for those two beautiful children that you fought to bring into this world! Im sorry that your marriage did not survive but hate to tell you this - you are just one of many that file for divorce every day. And before you say that feels like failure - it's not your failure. You are a fighter and you got this! 

 

Edited April 2, 2020 by BaileyB

[Prudence V]

On 4/1/2020 at 6:22 PM, Rainbows said:

A father that says he 'hated' his newborn son...that is madness, its not healthy or normal. It may very well be due to his childhood, but abandoning that baby boy was not a way to preserve sanity.

Rainbows, I really see resonances here with my xH. I do think mental health is key to this, and strongly suspect that your H is at the very least clinically depressed, but quite possibly struggling with other mental health issues too. In my xH’s case, he was later diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, and bipolar, and I really hope your H gets the diagnosis and support he needs. 
 

That said, you cannot love him well. His healing has to come from himself. Your love - however hard you try - cannot do that for him. Your offering him support might seem natural and obvious within the context of your marriage, but he is beyond that now. He needs professional help, not just the escapism he’s clinging to. And until he takes that seriously, nothing will change for him. Swallowing a handful of antidepressants without a proper diagnosis and without the rigorous treatment regimen he needs won’t be sufficient. It will help him to keep putting one foot in front to the other for a while, but it won’t heal him - if, indeed, he can be healed. If he has long term conditions, medication may support him but won’t cure him. This may well be the new normal. 
 

I know you want your H back. But that version of him broke with the birth of your son. It’s a horrible thing to think, but something in him triggered and there’s no getting back to what he was before. None of this is your fault, and none of this is your son’s fault. Seeing your son triggered the broken boy child in your H, and sent him back to try to repair his own childhood self, back into the place where his own childhood self got broken, seeking to replace his unhappy childhood memories with newer memories of a happier relationship with his family, a space where he can be a child again rather than having to step up as a parent. My xH did the same - he landed up living in a garden flat in his parents’ home, being a child again, forcing them to take care of him in a way that he felt he was denied as a child. And, in the process, he neglected his own kids, refused to be a parent to them, wallowed in his own gaping void of unmeetable needs and ignored the responsibility he had to meet the needs of his own kids. Your H is still providing for you and your kids financially, which is more than my xH did, but if your H doesn’t get the help he needs, he may also not be able to sustain this. It’s important that you get your family protected, so that if it does happen, you are not suddenly left without any support. 
 

It’s hard, but you’re doing well. Your kids are lucky to have you. 

[Rainbows]

Thank you both 💓

Bailey - re the OW that feel justified in stepping into a marriage/family with which a baby is part of the equation, yes it makes me feel sick, and it only shows theres something lacking in their DNA too. 🙄

I understand I cant control what my husband has dealt my children and I, but I feel like 'ive' failed, because - I am not the mother I was when my husband was by my side parenting together.

I would have said I was a great mother, I was so determined to raise my children well, emotionally, to give them everything they needed, I put so much effort into this and my husband was by my side investing in this joint goal. I had the patience of a saint.

My childhood suffered physical punishment and emotional abuse, and due to the emotion and stress of this situation, I cry everytime I shout at my children. I hear my mothers voice echo everytime I shout, and then I feel I am just doing the same as what my husband has done - repeating my childhood - when our intention was to give our children better! No matter what my husband has done to me, its my responsibility to do better, and yet the position he has left us in is so difficult to balance.

And my children shouldnt have had to see me sobbing on the floor, they are too young to understand. This is why I feel a failure, because I am struggling to give them the best of ME. Although I try everyday...

Prudence; Its so difficult to understand why those whom recognise that they werent treated well in childhood, seek that approval. 🤔

I dont think he will continue to seek any help though...he will be happy to simply 'blame' and be the victim - he blamed his family to me, now he's blaming me to his family and the OW(!) Its scatty hypocracy.

Shortly after he'd left us, he told me he was on the highest does of anti-depressants, I said to him please make sure you tell the counsellor exactly what has happenned...I could imagine him leaving that part out. He wont be able to 'own' this.

One thing that cannot be denied throughout his life is, he is a liar and seemingly he was always a victim. Not a psychopath type liar/manipulator, but like a little lost boy that you'd feel sorry for - if only he'd learnt how to communicate, he wouldnt need to lie etc. My parents used to say to him, what a happy man he was despite his childhood he haddnt turned out bitter etc. Everyone loved him, hes very personable.

I was scrambling to 'save' this family last year, because his behaviour was so confusing. He went to that one counselling session with me and one on his own, our counsellor could see this was to do with his past - that our son triggered something in him... It felt like our fingertips were touching, at reaching the HELP he needed. But he continued to see the OW.

I dont believe he'd have ever had the 'gutts' to leave us if I haddnt found out about the affair - just as I dont think he'd have the gutts to leave the OW either. He got himself into a right mess and he goes for the easiest route. That is what I think was behind his 'repeated' reasoning of "You will never forgive me for this"

Its hard to tell wether the financial support my husband is still providing is/was guilt money, denial, or an open door. At first it felt like an open door - as easier for him to walk back home whilst nothing has actually been 'seperated' - he still has belongings in this house even. Nothing has been dealt with. Technically he's still to think I dont know that he's seeing the OW let alone living with her.

But now I feel its guilt money or the pain of denial and wanting to keep his head in the sand. In a way it shows his heart is not cold, it cant just be about providing for the 'children'.

Friends have said how has he been able to go through this huge life change and continue to work? I replied; SHE is there? Its where he saw her everyday.

I have calculated supporting my family solely on my own and I can do this, there would be no money for extras and we'd have to live cautiously but at least the roof is still over our head...

Edited April 4, 2020 by Rainbows

[SummerDreams]

16 minutes ago, Rainbows said:

I had the patience of a saint.

He didn't and to be honest I don't blame him. Having a  family is hard but it should not make everyone sick of trying...

[BaileyB]

Rainbows, you are far too hard on yourself. You are doing your best and your best is enough.

Your capacity will change with time. You will not always cry on the floor. But now you do sometimes, and that’s ok. 

If you want to have an unrealistic standard of mothering, such that you set yourself up for failure because you can possibly be “perfect” and “wonderful” all the time, that’s your choice. I’m just saying, it accomplishes nothing but causing you stress and pain. It’s that old saying - don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. 

As to your feeling that you are reliving the emotional abuse of your past, that is yet another discussion to be had with your counsellor...

 

[Rainbows]

7 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

He didn't and to be honest I don't blame him. Having a  family is hard but it should not make everyone sick of trying...

Not sure what I know what you mean you 'dont blame him'?

I guess you can sometimes spot the Dads that perhaps arent that into being a father, that are bored of certain aspects of it, theres the Dads that dont attend every appointment or pay an interest in every detail of child rearing...but again, you'd never have spotted any sign of this man being anything but 100% comitted. This is why its sad to think we spent time planning to bring another life into the world, nothing was done irresponsibly as far as I could see - there was no warning or risk, everything was stable.

He happily took on the majority of the night feeds, he was actually a contrast to the other Dads I saw. I was very proud of him.

Our daughter was a very bad sleeper(!) but im sure we both enjoyed the time raising our daughter together, we'd looked forward to being parents for so long...I did think at one point, were our sons firsts not as important to him because he'd been there to experience fatherdom for our daughters 1sts.

When I was suspecting something was really wrong with him not bonding with our son (the affair had just started) we saw our bereavement counsellor and she teared up and said he wasnt himself and she didnt like to see him like this after the journey we had been on and how much she knew he wanted to be a good father...he teared up and said he was suicidal. I said I thought he was having an affair...the counseller didnt even ask him she said 'Hes not having an affair, this man loves you to bits' he said 'I dont have time for an affair'...but I think he had perhaps gotten into such a mess, he needed help. That was the focus of this very posts title.

Many facts indicate to me that he wasnt 'planning' on leaving us.

But again this is all just a psychological maze that is pretty pointless trying to figure out when hes the one thats dictated this outcome I tried my best.

Thank you Bailey.

Edited April 4, 2020 by Rainbows

[DrGroovy88]

Rainbows...I’ve been reading your thread all night and into this morning. Finally got to the most current entry and wanted to just tell you that I think you are amazing, beautiful soul. I Know this time right now is devastating for you. It’s a trauma and it’s incredibly difficult to wrap your mind around what is and what has happened. I know because I’ve been there, too.

i was with my husband for the last 20 years. My divorce just became final a couple of weeks ago. I have three children and had traumatic pregnancies, cancer, and a horrific car accident that has left me with debilitating pain. After my husband similarly left us for another woman, I ended up having a heart attack and  ow suffer heart failure but I’m doing much better now than it sounds - all of this has happened over many many years. I’m in my 40s now. 
 

My husband and I were soul mates and best friends, I thought anyway. He was the absolute love of my life, and even today I cry sometimes because I just don’t know how he could do what he’s done to us. My heart can’t hate him, I miss him, I see his face and it takes everything inside of me not to melt - but I’ve learned over time to mask all of that and my tears are private. I no longer send him any texts, or anything other than one word answers to our visitations with the kids. He went from being the man of my dreams, and telling me I was the best thing that had ever happened to him, he’d never ever divorce because he was so madly in love with me (this was when I’d discovered the lies and the other woman), pretty much the same story you wrote. Even the timeline. He met this woman in October and by June he’d abandoned our family. He cut me and our children completely off financially also and it was an absolute nightmare. He shut down and refused to answer any questions or even discuss what was going on, and just lied and lied and lied to me - he kept telling me he was in love with ME, begged me not to give up on us, etc but the entire time his actions were unbelievably cruel. Behind the scenes I found out that he was not just carrying on with this one woman, there were others. He didn’t seem to care about our kids and he was unnecessarily cold with me. I won’t go into my story too much but I see so many similarities and just wanted to let you know that I am so so sorry for what you are going through.

it took me YEARS to finally divorce my husband. Ten years to be exact. I’m very sad about that. I think what made it so difficult is that he would never tell me the truth, and I held out hope for us because like you, I wanted our marriage and our family so badly and I had compassion and empathy for whatever he was going through. My husband came back from his last deployment and was just never the same again. So on my head it all seemed horrible of me to leave HIM while he was mentally unwell - even though he’d left US, it was me feeling guilty and horrible like I would be abandoning him. I needed concrete proof, also, of the affAir - because before I had that, I still felt so much love for my husband and couldn’t get over that maybe we could work through this. Maybe I’d he’d just be honest, we could rebuild and I worked on me and tried to be kind when I had to interact with him. He just continued on his deceptive, covert path and my life remained in holding and I took care of everything at home with our kids - he was out being a single guy and moving on and not emotionally connected to any of it. I was grieving him and couldn’t see the bad in him, and I fe now like it probably made me seem pathetic and weak to him - it causes him to lose respect and I think the other woman became even more attractive. I have no idea to this day what is going on, because it still makes no sense to me. He sends me texts like no matter what our current status is, we will always be a family - etc now I just see it as abusive. It’s dishonest. He isn’t going to ever be the man I believed him to be. I still am in love with the man I married. Twenty years I loved that man - ferociously, passionately. He ran away when the struggles came and took off for a life that to me is unbelievable compared to what we shared here together - but you know what? I now finally understand that as sick as it may seem to me to abandon your wife and children, as much as I would die before I’d ever let my babies be not loved and cared for - the husband and father that I believed him to be (mine was amazing too, before he wasn’t. Before this woman came and within four weeks he was so into her that he blew up our entire lives), that man doesn’t exist anymore.

The man that I love is gone. He’s dead. I don’t know who this one is at all, and my heart still hurts. I wish I could wrap you up in the biggest hug because I know how deep and how awful this heartache is. I am still hurting but it’s getting better slowly. Please please protect yourself. I can’t hate him even now. Everyone wants me to hate him and that just isn’t me. I have to only deal with him via attorneys and texts because I know if I saw him in person I’d just get sucked right back in - because I’m very much in love with him. Which is sickening to me, after all he’s done and still is doing. I’ve had to simply separate my head from my heart. So I can still love him but put the kids and myself first and protect us because he is not safe anymore. Your heart will break a thousand times when you finally accept this and you let go. It’s mike grieving a death. It’s a huge trauma, esp if you are an honest person, a loyal person.
 

They are not going to tell the truth so you no longer can even listen to the words. You’re doing the right thing not chasing. I know it hurts that he’s so involved in the other woman’s family. My husbands OW had a son and while I’d just given birth to our son he was bragging about how much this woman’s son needed his help and how he was helping him - how close they were. All while our own son was right here needing him. I will never understand it.

We have just finalized our divorce and he STILL is hiding and sneaking around, still won’t tell me the truth or the kids the truth, but his family all added her on Facebook, he took her on our exact honeymoon trip and she met all of his family (this was while very much married to me and telling me he didn’t want a divorce)...anyway it’s just a nightmare. I’m divorced now and still feel like my heart is broken, I don’t know how long it will be - but I’m getting better every day, and you will too. I also have gotten through those years where my kids were babies and I sobbed through the days and nights and I don’t even know how we made it, but we did. My kids are growing up and they’re happy, he’s the one that has missed out. They don’t share a close bond at all with him, it’s sad, but he is the one who has lost something precious and beautiful...the woman he left us for - she cheated and they are on and off - but he looks miserable. He seems miserable, he’s not aged well, he is ill and unhappy. I’m doing fine. Better than I was, although still sad at night and I just had a pretty good cry last night just missing that man that I loved...but I know he’s gone now.

i just wanted to send you hugs and let you know that you are enough. You are going to get through this and it hurts like hell right now but there is going to be better days ahead I promise. Your kids won’t always be so little it goes by faster than you would think - and in time this horrific pain you’re feeling will become less. Just know it’s not you, ok? You couldn’t have prevented this. It’s in their character. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. So sad for your children, but they have a beautiful, brave, warrior of a mother. It’s going to be ok. It’s not right now, but it will be. ❤️

[Rainbows]

On 4/5/2020 at 8:34 PM, DrGroovy88 said:

❤️

As soon as I read the first line of your post, I teared up. 💓

I turned to the internet to find myself help and support, and I so appreciate posts like yours.

I cannot quite believe there are so few 'infidelity support groups'. (If anyone knows of any please let me know as I am struggling and talking with people whom have been through it is a release for me)

Id also spent a lot of time searching the internet for stories similar to my own, only to find very few. Your experience is sadly, so similar. 💓

But like every story I seem to read - there has been a point whereby the husband tells the betrayed they love them and they beg them for another chance - even if it was sustaining a lie/trying to have both OW and spouce....that moment hasnt happenned for me, my husband hasnt been straight with me about anything - but Ive never had the Im so sorry...Ive felt worthless, disposable, replaced, it must feel good to hear the words of someone that has done wrong begging 'you' for a moment..

What happened during the 10 years prior to divorce? Did you ever meet anyone else etc? (How do you feel about the aspect of meeting anyone else?)

Was getting back together ever discussed?

Is he still with the OW then?! (Even though she cheated on him!)

How old were your children when this happenned?

How did he deal with the divorce - was he amicable as possible, was he resilient/sad?

Have you ever contacted the OW or wished to?

Its just so so hard to understand that people could change like this, so drastically, so suddenly, it shocks your core beliefs and it is very much like you say 'traumatic'.

Did you ever question if it was a midlife crisis? - Were there other drastic changes in him that you noticed? Like my husband has changed in so many ways.

I WISH for Karma, for their relationship to fail, even if it doesnt mean his return.

I 'can' hate my husband, for what he's done. This entire time I think my brain just cannot deal with the amount of emotion and confusion from it.

It is completely akin to grieving a death....and even for him, I cant see how he can change his 'entire' life in LESS than 12 months and not be mourning or shocked himself; he's changed his home, his car, his job, his city, his friends, his family, his spouse, his children...his morals.

A lot of people say to me it will get easier as the kids get older...but they dont realise that I planned and went through so much to have these miracle children...I dont want to be wishing time away, I need to cherish every single moment, because this was my dream - to have our family. We were meant to be so so happy, not so so sad, not struggling like this.

It HAS upset my daughter and if I think too long about that, I could scream so loud in pain, the world would hear. 

It does obviously shows a huge character flaw for someone to be able to do this, and in this way. (Also, here we are in the middle of a worldwide lockdown and he hasnt messaged me to see if I or the children are ok...Im glad he hasnt, but at the same time, im again shocked by his ability to become the person he'd hate.)

But I know that I have flaws too, and I had been through so much, I was snappy - he SHOULD have understood this, communicated, but it made me so desperate to want just ONE chance at saving our marriage, to give our vows, to give me, and most importantly to give our childrens lives that RESPECT...try and fail, but dont fail to try.

Thank you so much for sharing your story and Im so glad you are starting to heal little by little, and that you are another Mother on this plannet committed to raising good human beings.

 

Edited April 8, 2020 by Rainbows

[spiritedaway2003]

On 4/8/2020 at 4:59 PM, Rainbows said:

I cannot quite believe there are so few 'infidelity support groups'. (If anyone knows of any please let me know as I am struggling and talking with people whom have been through it is a release for me)

Finding some support helps.  I would gently caution you to not seek support for only what you want to hear.   As had been previously said, the many dramas  you and your husband experienced even BEFORE OW had arrived on the scene is a lot for anyone to take on.  While I commend your will to be strong and power through things, not everyone has that capacity to do so.  You only have control over you, not him.  You may want to work to things. He may opt to choose otherwise. 

Progress can sometimes feel slower than what we would have liked, but it sounds like you're making progress than when you first posted.  Keep it up for you and your kids, but also find support and an outlet for your sadness and frustrations too.  I hope in time, you will see and find your path forward.   I wish you well.

 

 

Edited April 10, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed link