Equave111 Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 Please do not judge me- we all make mistakes. I Met this guy at work, we went for a coffee one day and he asked for my number, we exchanged messages then he told me he was married. He asked me to meet for a coffee yesterday which I agreed and told him nothing funny as he was married. He told me he had feelings for me and never done anything like this before. We kissed and held each other (no sex). He said he was unsure, he wanted to see where things went with me. He said he wanted to go slow and hold off on sex for a while I agreed. Then he got a call from his wife and he became bit anxious and left soon after said he’d call me today. I told him when I got home and he was very vague and said that’s good talk soon take care. I messaged him today but he didn’t open the message and I haven’t heard from him. How can he go from being so hot one minute to so cold the next? I do have feelings for him, we both agreed our feelings are strong and intense so how could he treat me like this today. I’m hurt but please don’t judge me. Should I take it as he wants to end things already? If he cared as he says he does should he not at leave have the decency not to ignore my messages and speak to me? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 he's married & after breaking his vows by kissing you plus expressing a desire for more he realized that being with you would cost him his marriage. He decided an affair is not worth it & went back to his wife. Why are you so upset about not getting to help somebody cheat? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Equave111 Posted September 4, 2019 Author Share Posted September 4, 2019 It’s not about helping him to cheat that’s a ridiculous question, I have strong feelings for him and he said he had them for me also so obviously I’m not going to ignore those feelings Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 so obviously I’m not going to ignore those feelings Why "obviously"? A lot of feelings should be ignored. Those times I want to clobber my neighbor with a gravel rake? The times I want to tell people I work with that they're dumb as a bag of hair and should be sterilized for the sake of humanity's future? The times I wish I had twin lasers mounted on the hood of my truck to take care of traffic issues? All best ignored. Your feelings in this case are different because they're not destructive, you say? Are you sure? 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Equave111 Posted September 4, 2019 Author Share Posted September 4, 2019 Believe it or not I do feel bad. I have entered in to a situation I know will not end well and will ultimately end in pain. In saying that I do have feelings for him so I really don’t know what I should do Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 He's not the cheating type obviously, and his actions has caused him immense guilt. He knows he will lose everything. His wife, home, kids, friends family, his dignity. It's not worth it. So ya his silence is him saying he made a horrible mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 Believe it or not I do feel bad. I have entered in to a situation I know will not end well and will ultimately end in pain.Like the pain of his family. Pain of his kids about to lose their home, their parents. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Equave111 Posted September 4, 2019 Author Share Posted September 4, 2019 He's not the cheating type obviously, and his actions has caused him immense guilt. He knows he will lose everything. His wife, home, kids, friends family, his dignity. It's not worth it. So ya his silence is him saying he made a horrible mistake. Why did he do it then? What if he decides to continue? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 Believe it or not I do feel bad. I have entered in to a situation I know will not end well and will ultimately end in pain. In saying that I do have feelings for him so I really don’t know what I should do Let it go, and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 Why did he do it then? What if he decides to continue? it's natural for all people married or not to have crushes. most know for what it is and don't over step their boundaries. Some get too carried away, dopamine in the brain is released, and what causes it (their affection for someone) becomes addictive. He simply snapped out of it. You are an adult, I'm sure you will know what to do if he comes around again. Link to post Share on other sites
Calmandfocused Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 Op read the OM/OW section on this forum. Absorb how utterly devastated these women are as a result of very bad treatment by their married boyfriends. The being used, the degradation, having less priority than the family dog in their boyfriend’s life. And you want this? Just because you have feelings? If you get involved with him your feelings will grow. By the end of it, your self esteem will be shot to bits and you’ll be utterly heartbroken. It will take you a long time to recover from such treatment and heartbreak. Sound tempting? I’d think long and hard about this before proceeding Personally I’d chose another option. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 I'm most inclined to think that this is just how it will be if you stay involved. His wife and family will always take precedence and you knowing he's married, he would assume you realize that and so if he disappears without warning for some period of time, this is how he expects things to go forward, as that is usually the case in affairs with married partners. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 Then he got a call from his wife and he became bit anxious and left soon after said he’d call me today. I told him when I got home and he was very vague and said that’s good talk soon take care. I messaged him today but he didn’t open the message and I haven’t heard from him. How can he go from being so hot one minute to so cold the next? To answer your question - his master tugged on his leash. You may not be able to see the leash but it was there none the less. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Equave111 Posted September 4, 2019 Author Share Posted September 4, 2019 Why couldn’t he have just told me that then instead of ignoring my messages and being so cold to me Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 Why couldn’t he have just told me that then instead of ignoring my messages and being so cold to me Because that is what cowards do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 obviously I’m not going to ignore those feelings But obviously you should because he's already married to someone else. It sounds like he has probably just come to his senses, which isn't a reflection on your worth. Is there a reason you can't find a single man to develop feelings for? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Equave111 Posted September 4, 2019 Author Share Posted September 4, 2019 Last night he was worried about hurting me, more so than his family he kept emphasising how he didn’t want to hurt me but wanted to see how things went also. Now he ignores me and won’t speak to me. I know I’m in the wrong for going there in the first place I hold my hands up, nevertheless if he felt that way about me sincerely the least he could have done is told me. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 Maybe his wife found out. She could have checked the phone bill and saw your number and questioned him about it when he got home and told him he better not communicate with you anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 PI messaged him today but he didn’t open the message and I haven’t heard from him. How can he go from being so hot one minute to so cold the next? Because he is married and doesn't want his wife (or anyone else who might report back to her) to see him reading messages from you. Surely you didn't need that spelled out to you. You'd better get used to this sudden hot-cold if you plan on dating a married man. This is what it's like for the mistress. He is all over you one day, pretends he doesn't know you the next. He will ignore you when it suits him and helps him hide you. If he thinks his wife might get tipped off or is on to him you will hear nothing but radio silence until the coast is clear. Hours, days, a couple weeks, maybe more. Your feelings aren't that important if it means his cover will be blown. You will never be the priority - he and his whims will be, though. You're not an equal partner in this. He is in the driver's seat and the passenger seat will be shared between you and his wife. You're going to do what you want anyway, but if you are already distressed over one unread message - boy, are you in for a rough ride. Take a gander through The Other Man/Woman forum here. Read the countless stories of other mistresses whose hearts are broken by married men who bounce in and out of their lives, who promise they will call and don't; women who stare longingly at pictures of the boyfriends on holidays with their wives and kids on social media, becoming glued to their phones desperately waiting for that notification that he has finally reached out. These are the women who try hard to end it over and over but learn the hard way that their man isn't leaving his wife. Sometimes after years-long affairs.That is what you are signing up for. It is clear that you (understandably) want someone who is consistently attentive to your needs and responsive to your communication, someone who gladly opens, reads and answers your messages without taking long. You're not going to find that with a married dude. There will be spurts of that attention, sure, keeping you hooked and hopeful. Then he will disappear again while he attends to his wife. And lather, rinse, repeat. Will this be the great romance of your life? More than likely not. Can you handle that? It doesn't appear so. Your skin isn't thick enough and your expectations are already unrealistic given the circumstances. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 Why couldn’t he have just told me that then instead of ignoring my messages and being so cold to me I assume he believed it should have been obvious to you that his morals had kicked in and he needed to shut it down pronto. Do you really need him to say "when my wife called, I realised how stupid I'm being and have to shut this right down"? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Equave111 Posted September 4, 2019 Author Share Posted September 4, 2019 so if he does contact me again and does want to see me again, what does this mean? That he hasnt come to his senses? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 Yeah, pretty much. And if he does want to see you again, expect him to disappear on you afterwards when he's feeling guilty about his wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 so if he does contact me again and does want to see me again, what does this mean? That he hasnt come to his senses? Yep. That's exactly what it means. Also, read this. I just posted it in a separate thread, but this is what extra-marital affairs are like and this is an example of the havoc they can wreak on lives. https://abcnews.go.com/US/man-involved-2018-love-triangle-murder-suicide-case/story?id=65366893 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 Why "obviously"? A lot of feelings should be ignored. Those times I want to clobber my neighbor with a gravel rake? The times I want to tell people I work with that they're dumb as a bag of hair and should be sterilized for the sake of humanity's future? The times I wish I had twin lasers mounted on the hood of my truck to take care of traffic issues? All best ignored. Yup. The ability to control feelings is what separates adults from toddlers. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 There could be any number of reasons but he's married. It's best to just leave it alone. It wouldn't do anyone any good in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
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