In a desperately dark place…

[JessicaJones]

In a desperately dark place…

 

I feel like this is a long story, I am 42, been married 6 years and have a 4 year old daughter.

 

We relocated from the city to live in the countryside 3 years ago, to live a quieter life, and offer our daughter a better life. But almost as soon as we moved my husband changed, he became emotionally and verbally abusive and depressed. He blamed the relocation, the mortgage, the bills; all the pressures became too much for him, he drank too much and he took it out on me. I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn’t listen.

 

Our relationship suffered greatly and I met another man (let’s call him A), he wasn’t looking for a relationship and nor was I. It came completely out the blue and hit us both like a lightning bolt. We fell quickly and deeply in love and within 6 months he had sold his house and left his wife to be with me. Despite all the hurt we were causing, it felt right, we had to be together.

 

With his house being sold imminently we looked at houses together with a view to move in together, but this didn’t happen in the end and he got a place on his own – this was purely down to timing as his house sale went through quicker than planned and he needed a new home.

 

My Husband found about the affair, and I told him I wanted a separation and he refused. I told him I wanted a divorce and he refused. We spoke to a couples counsellor, which didn’t help. He smashed my mobile phone, and threatened my safety. Which made me afraid to leave. It was agreed that once A was settled in his new place I would look to move out and/or issue divorce proceedings. Once I was out of the house and in a safe space I would look to get our house back.

 

If we fast forward to now, A has now been apart from his wife for 6 weeks and he now tells me he doesn’t want us to be together anymore. He tells me he can’t bear the idea of taking my daughter away from her father, and that he wants to find himself. He tells me he still loves me, but it has to be this way. He maintains he loves me, but doesn’t want to bring up another child. He said if I was alone, he would whisk me away from all this.

 

I am so mad. I told him from the start that my Daughter and I were a package deal. He now has the gall to say he doesn’t want this anymore. When we were up front and honest from the beginning.

 

Despite all of this I am still in love with this man, and none of this makes sense. I feel used and confused and I don’t know what is real anymore. I question all of it. I question his feelings for me, as he knew my Daughter was on the scene and we came as a package. I question my feelings for my Husband. He has been shocked and angry and is now seeking help for his emotionally abusive behaviour with counselling and anti-depressants. I am in a desperately dark place, and don’t know what to do.

 

I feel absolutely terrible for having an affair, but it was so right. I love him with every ounce of my being. But he has walked away and left me high and dry. I don’t know whether to give my Husband a chance and see if his behaviour improves, or to walk away. I am the horribly deceitful person, but I am heartbroken and don’t know where to turn.

 

I know no-one can tell me what to do, but there is no light. I don’t know what to do. How do you know for sure which is the right road. Do I fight for my marriage in the hope that I can find a spark? Or do I walk away.

 

Thank you x

[Blanco]

It's possible that this guy was looking for an excuse to leave the marriage, and the fantasy of a life with you was the final push he needed. Now that he's left, maybe reality has sunk in that his freedom from his marriage is ultimately what he desired and you were, intentionally or not, a means to that end.

 

And so now he's made that move, and the prospect of immediately jumping into another commitment, with a new child involved no less, is a lot less appealing than his single life.

 

That's just my quick interpretation of how things have unfolded. I could be totally off the mark. I know that either way, it doesn't make things any easier.

[pepperbird]

when I read posts like this, I always wonder why someone would expect someone who is satisfied with his or her married life to suddenly see marriage or even a committed relationship as a goal to strive for.

 

 

 

OP, he has shown you who and what he is. Undependable, deceitful and very untrustworthy. Now I know you may fall into the trap of " but his wife is crazy/abusive/mean/works too much/ignores him/ never wants sex" or whatever to excuse his behvaior, but really, there isn't an excuse.

 

Instead of worrying so much about him, why not spend that mental energy on yourself? If your husband is so abusive, why do you stay? Before you respond with " I'm staying for my child" or " I'm staying for my husband/ marriage and want to make it work", ask yourself why these two concerns only come to the forefront when your affair ended? You weren't concerned about your child being raised by both parents at home or your husband's emotional well being when you were cheating. Now, six weeks later and MM has fled the scene, and I have a feeling that;s what's really going on here.

 

Why do they suddenly matter? I'm not trying to be mean, but it's an important question to ask yourself. If you were ready to leave then, why not now? Is it because you now have no soft landing waiting for you?

If you can honestly look at the situation and say that staying is what you really want because you love your husband and want to be married to him, great. Anything else is manipulative and, sorry to say it, extremely unfair to him.

[mark clemson]

Do I fight for my marriage in the hope that I can find a spark? Or do I walk away.

 

 

Why don't you give your husband some time and see how his recovery goes before deciding this.

 

Also consider what may be best for him. If you really don't love him and would consider cheating again, are you any good for him? Assuming he shapes up, if you continue to feel how you do then you should leave as amicably as possible to spare him another round of this.

 

 

Side note: you seem to have a flair for drama.

[Amethyst68]

I feel absolutely terrible for having an affair, but it was so right. I love him with every ounce of my being. But he has walked away and left me high and dry. I don’t know whether to give my Husband a chance and see if his behaviour improves, or to walk away. I am the horribly deceitful person, but I am heartbroken and don’t know where to turn.

 

I know no-one can tell me what to do, but there is no light. I don’t know what to do. How do you know for sure which is the right road. Do I fight for my marriage in the hope that I can find a spark? Or do I walk away.

 

Thank you x

 

Do you really feel terribly about the affair? I ask because nothing in your post supports this, it's all regrets about MM dumping you. An affair is never 'so right', what about his wife? It's as if she doesn't exist in your reality.

 

Honestly, it sounds to me like he didn't leave voluntarily or changed his mind as soon he left. It wouldn't surprise me if he was working on getting back to his marriage. As for your husband, you obviously don't want him so leave, you don't need his permission to separate or divorce, he can't stop you now and couldn't do it back then. Get a lawyer!

[Zona]

I don’t know whether to give my Husband a chance and see if his behaviour improves, or to walk away. I am the horribly deceitful person

 

So you have an affair and lie to and deceive your husband for years, and he is the only one who needs counselling to improve his behavior?

 

Might I suggest that you should seek counseling for yourself to try to find out why you are ok to be (using your words) "a horribly deceitful person".

[anika99]

I agree with Blanco in that I think this was an exit affair for your MM. Meaning that he already wanted out of his marriage and the affair was the catalyst that made him take action. Now that he is freed from his marriage the affair he is questioning his decision to remain in a relationship with a married mother.

 

And when you really think about it, it is unhealthy for a person to leave their marriage and immediately jump into another full fledged committed relationship. Usually when people do that they end up bringing too many issues and baggage into the new relationship. When one ends a marriage they should spend a year or two to grieve the marriage an find their footing again before they consider getting into another serious relationship.

 

I know you feel like your MM owes it to you to stand by the promises he made but oh well. People break promises when it comes to affairs. Pretty sure you and your MM made promises to your spouses regarding remaining committed and faithful to them but look where that got them. Both of you broke your vows to your spouse so why think an affair promise would carry more weight?

 

Marriages should thrive or fail based on their own merits. People shouldn't leave their marriage just because they met a new squeeze. In your MM's case it sounds like he was ready to leave his marriage even without an affair. You need to get to that point too. If you were leaving your marriage just because you thought you had found someone better that would be a mistake. If you think your marriage is toast and you truly don't want it anymore than you should be leaving regardless if you have another man waiting for you or not.

 

Don't try to monkey branch from one man to the next. That's not healthy for you and it's definitely not healthy for your daughter. You were seriously planning to take your daughter away from her dad and then move her right in with you and your MM? NO NO NO. That was a terrible selfish plan. Thank God your MM came to his senses about that. If your MM has his own children then maybe he is getting a sense of how terrible that would be for his own children. To watch their father leave them and then immediately start living another living with another child. That would be awful for them.

 

For the sake of any and all children involved I hope your MM sticks to his decision and doesn't have you move in with him. Leave your marriage if you decide it's for the best but remember you have to be stable and fully present for your child to her adjust to not having both parents live with her. Keep her completely away from your dating life for a least a couple of years.

[DKT3]

Married men tend to use transitional relationships to leave long term marriages but once free have and never had interest in getting right back into a relationship.

 

I echo a few other posters in saying if you were ready to walk away from your marriage then why consider staying now? I also suspect that your marriage got bad once you started being interested in the other man. MW rarely admitt to this, but its almost always the case. Admitting it would mean that they damaged their marriage and that is something that women find particularly difficult to do.

[BTDT2012]

A sold his house, left his wife, got another house. You didn't leave your husband. Of course he has second thoughts now. What is real is that you chose to have an affair. It will be up to your husband whether he ultimately wants to stay with you.

[BlindsidedTwice]

 

I am in a desperately dark place, and don’t know what to do.

 

I feel absolutely terrible for having an affair, but it was so right. I love him with every ounce of my being. But he has walked away and left me high and dry. I don’t know whether to give my Husband a chance and see if his behaviour improves, or to walk away. I am the horribly deceitful person, but I am heartbroken and don’t know where to turn.

 

 

I know you are hurting and I am so sorry that you are in this place of darkness, but congrats on finding LS!

 

When I first posted about a month ago, I had a hard time reading the responses. Everyone was so worried about my husband and I just wanted pity for my sadness over a MM! I didn’t want to face any of the issues in my marriage - I just wanted to know, “how could he do this? doesn’t he miss me!??!!?!” But... the responses gave me the perspective I needed, and I still refer back to my thread and others often. I am grateful to the people who smack me back to reality. As xMM fades from my memory, my marriage is front and center, needing my focus, attention, energy, and honesty.

 

I am no where near recovered, so I won’t throw out any advice, just know that you are not alone. You will figure this out and you can come out of it stronger.

[S2B]

Move out and divorce your husband. He shouldn’t be your backup plan.

 

Focus on helping yourself. You have deep seeded isuues to address. Get professional help.

 

The other man likely started dating around.

 

Be on your own and learn how to be happy on your own.

 

Focus on being a good parent. Find the root of why you thought cheating was solving your unhappiness problems.

[JessicaJones]

Thank you for responding everyone.

 

I am hurting so much and the pain is so RAW. I don’t feel like this is something I can openly talk about, and its’s eating me up – trying to navigate all these emotions alone.

 

Brutal honesty is what I need to hear, no question.

 

@pepperbird

Yes I guess OP has shown his true colours, but it’s a bitter pill to swallow and accept. He told me he loved me, left his wife for me – for us to start a new life together. He accepted my Daughter. Now I am meant to flip a switch and not care. How could he do it? & switch off so quickly and confidently.

 

Why did I stay? For my Daughter, I’ve been towing a hard line of do I remain in an unhappy marriage for her sake? My Husband is a very clever, manipulative man, he tells me I don’t matter and we need to do what is right for her. My self-esteem has hit rock bottom, despite having an affair. Perhaps this is something I need to address.

 

@mark_clemson

Thank you. I appreciate your honesty.

 

@amethyst68

Yes, I genuinely do feel terrible about the affair. It was not something I went looking for. We started chatting as friends when we relocated to an area where I knew no-one and it was an immediate very strong connection that we ignored for a long time.

 

With regards to his ex-wife, this is a possibility, as they are still in touch. He has admitted to meeting up with her, and I can see that he chats to her on WhatsApp. He told me they are friends, and they communicate about their grown-up Daughter who has been poorly. Part of me believes him, part of me doesn’t.

 

@zona

I will be looking into counselling for myself. Thank you.

 

@DKT3

I have freely admitted to my Husband that I have done wrong, he is willing to forgive me, but said he will never trust me again. Which I guess is understandable.

 

My marriage was rocky before my Daughter was born, but I was confident that I could sail through and focus on the positives.

 

Why stay now? Sounds sad but my Husband forgives me, we do love each other. Perhaps not in the big, explosive, magical way that some do… but we do. He was everything to me when we first met but time, marriage, kids, bills and careers have taken their toll and we’ve lost something along the way.

 

@bdtd2012

Yes, and I have to live with that for the rest of my life. Challenging me in a tough way, but it is opening my eyes.

 

@blindsidedtwice

Reading through your post, I feel like I am going through the same as you. Is there any way we can chat please?

 

@s2b

Again, thank you for your response.

[Maddie82]

So you have an affair and lie to and deceive your husband for years, and he is the only one who needs counselling to improve his behavior?

 

Might I suggest that you should seek counseling for yourself to try to find out why you are ok to be (using your words) "a horribly deceitful person".

 

Did you not read the part about him being emotionally and verbally abusive, as well as a nasty drunk? He is far from blameless. She made all the sacrifices for him and he treated her like crap for it. I don't blame the OP for finding love and comfort with someone else, even if he did turn out to be another douche.

 

Jessica, you deserve better. I think you would be better off on your own for a while, without any men clouding your mind and treating you bad. Just focus on you and your daughter x

[JessicaJones]

Thank you Maddie82. He was a terribly abusive, and the OM opened my eyes to that. I had accepted my lot, and accepted my Husbands emotional abuse thinking it was me that was causing it, and that it must be my fault. OM showed me that I didn’t have to accept his behaviour, that I was worth more.

 

But now all this has happened and my Husband is seeking help…

 

I have asked Husband for time apart, for us both to get our heads straight but he won’t consider the idea at all. He says we either work on our marriage or we file for divorce. For me time apart for us both to get some strength back, and not destroy each other is my wish.

[Maddie82]

Thank you Maddie82. He was a terribly abusive, and the OM opened my eyes to that. I had accepted my lot, and accepted my Husbands emotional abuse thinking it was me that was causing it, and that it must be my fault. OM showed me that I didn’t have to accept his behaviour, that I was worth more.

 

But now all this has happened and my Husband is seeking help…

 

I have asked Husband for time apart, for us both to get our heads straight but he won’t consider the idea at all. He says we either work on our marriage or we file for divorce. For me time apart for us both to get some strength back, and not destroy each other is my wish.

 

I can understand that and it would be beneficial for both of you. Do you think your husband can change? Because this 'all or nothing' threat tells me that he won't.

[JessicaJones]

I can understand that and it would be beneficial for both of you. Do you think your husband can change? Because this 'all or nothing' threat tells me that he won't.

 

The honest answer is I don't know. He is trying hard, but he likes to control - which was brought up during MC - and he is still trying to control now. Having such a black and white view is hard on me. I know I did wrong and he lords it over me.

 

I guess that's the big question, do people really change?

[Maddie82]

The honest answer is I don't know. He is trying hard, but he likes to control - which was brought up during MC - and he is still trying to control now. Having such a black and white view is hard on me. I know I did wrong and he lords it over me.

 

I guess that's the big question, do people really change?

 

Some people can and some people can't. They can only change if they really want to.

[JessicaJones]

Some people can and some people can't. They can only change if they really want to.

 

Thank you.

 

You're the first person to say that people can change if they want to. Many people around me have said a leopard never changes his spots. So I need to think about that one.

 

As previously mentioned control is a big issue, and now I have had my eyes opened to that, it's impossible to close them again. If that makes sense.

[Maddie82]

Thank you.

 

You're the first person to say that people can change if they want to. Many people around me have said a leopard never changes his spots. So I need to think about that one.

 

As previously mentioned control is a big issue, and now I have had my eyes opened to that, it's impossible to close them again. If that makes sense.

 

It does. I wish you all the best Jessica x

[elaine567]

Did you not read the part about him being emotionally and verbally abusive, as well as a nasty drunk? He is far from blameless. She made all the sacrifices for him and he treated her like crap for it. I don't blame the OP for finding love and comfort with someone else, even if he did turn out to be another douche.

 

We can all blame the cheater for their bad choices and their "genetic make up", but truth is people in bad marriages with bad partners will be susceptible to any third party who shows them love and care, instead of the anger, abuse and neglect they are used to.

That is not "rewriting history" which is the common allegation thrown in the path of usually female cheaters, it can very much be the reality.

Anyone who found themselves in such a situation would probably react in the same way, grabbing onto any straw shaken in their direction.

Here the OP saw a reasonable "out" and took it, unfortunately it all went wrong...

[JessicaJones]

Yes it did go all wrong.

 

Part of me wishes I had the strength to leave earlier, to be with OM. More than one person said if I wanted to be with him, I should have left quicker. Including OM himself.

 

I miss him terribly. We got on so very well, we texted all day every day, talking about music, books, everything. I know its cliché but we told each other we were soulmates. I didn’t even have this level of connection with my Husband.

 

Does anyone think OM ended up for another reason? He knew my daughter was on the scene and it shouldn’t have taken him 10 months to figure that one out.

 

Part of me still thinks he is testing me.

 

I am NC, but considering breaking it, to have it out.

[BlindsidedTwice]

Does anyone think OM ended up for another reason? He knew my daughter was on the scene and it shouldn’t have taken him 10 months to figure that one out.

 

Part of me still thinks he is testing me.

 

I am NC, but considering breaking it, to have it out.

 

It might feel like having it out will help, but I believe it may just hurt you even more... If you read through this board, you'll find soo many of these OM turn cold and mean at the end. If you keep going back for answers, he may turn that way. Your OM said he loved you at the end right? Just take that. Otherwise you may end up hearing much worse. (Every person is different - so what do I know? Just basing this off other trends.)

 

A common mantra on this board is “no new contact equals no new hurt”. It’s something to keep in mind. You can save yourself from any new damage/pain.

 

I would love to chat directly. I need it too. I think we have to post a certain number of times in order to have chat accessibility.

[mark clemson]

I am NC, but considering breaking it, to have it out.

 

 

What would be the purpose of this? Do you think he might change his mind? "Vindication"? What exactly would you hope to achieve?

[anika99]

You're affair was 10 months long? I 0 months isn't long enough to build a solid foundation for a serious longterm relationship, especially when it's within the context of an affair. The MM was divorced and his house was sold within 6 months. It's rare for a cheating MM to get out of their marriage that fast so I do think that this MM really wanted out of his marriage no matter what. Now that he's free and single being tied down to another woman and her child is no longer appealing. He likely wants to enjoy his newfound freedom and play the field a bit, which is not wrong of him. As I mentioned before, monkey branching from one person to the next isn't healthy. People need time to grieve and heal from a broken relationship before they start another serious relationship.

 

Also cheating men can be very hypocritical. There be some part of your MM that secretly judges you for cheating on your husband all these many months. Part of him might think he doesn't want a woman who is capable of doing that to her husband. Yes that makes him a hypocrite but I've met lots of men like that. Men who excuse their own bad behavior but won't accept even a fraction of that same behavior from a woman. I don't think he is testing you so you probably shouldn't chase him. You need time apart from him so you have a clear head. You need to make a decision about your marriage without an affair muddying the water.

[mark clemson]

JJ, if your husband is truly abusive, you should consider whether to leave on that basis alone. Easier said than done of course, but there are support resources out there if you need them.