In a desperately dark place…

[elaine567]

Once a man is "free", he realises the pool of available women just opened up to him. He no longer has to sneak around and grab the first woman who will put up with him cheating on his wife.

He can date as a single man.

He doesn't need to jump from the frying pan into the fire, he can choose where he lands.

 

Here he is a separated man with a grown up family, he probably just does not want to start again with some other man's child.

Your husband is probably not going to be the most genial of co parents, due to the circumstances so I guess your MM may not want to get involved in that mess... Your daughter may not be very accepting either of the man who stole her Mom away from her Dad. It will probably need a lot of work, work he may not be too keen on doing...

His daughter may not be on board either with your relationship.

Sometimes after affairs, men feel it is best to wipe the slate clean and date someone completely new, as she will better accepted all round...

[stillafool]

The thing I never understand about these situations is:

 

-You say your husband was abusive and treated you terrribly.

 

-You had an affair with another man who you are in love with and

were ready to take your child and divorce your husband for.

 

-Now MM has backed out (nothing new here) and you're all of a sudden

deciding you will try to stay with your husband. Oh, and now all of a sudden

you love him? C'mon

 

My question is:

 

WHY DO YOU NEED A MAN????

 

If you were miserable married and the guy you were going to move in with let you down why don't you just woman up and take your daughter and go it alone?

Edited September 5, 2019 by stillafool

[DKT3]

Yeah, it happens here all the time. The funny part to me is how they always say "I want to try for the children " yet they had an affair and was willing to leave for the OM which would mean splitting up the family, right? There is no thought in doing what's best for the children when OM is in the picture. Its flawed logic that these women simply refuse to grasp. And they always wonder why posters dont buy the my marriage is horrible bit.

[Zona]

Did you not read the part about him being emotionally and verbally abusive, as well as a nasty drunk? He is far from blameless. She made all the sacrifices for him and he treated her like crap for it. I don't blame the OP for finding love and comfort with someone else, even if he did turn out to be another douche.

 

My point was simple actually. They both need counseling.

[Amethyst68]

.Here the OP saw a reasonable "out" and took it, unfortunately it all went wrong...

 

Since when is an affair an acceptable out? The only acceptable out if to deal with your problems head on. Lying and deceit, no matter how you try and "pretty" it up is not reasonable behavior!

 

As for the husband, people seem to be forgetting he is the betrayed! If he puts conditions on his attempting R that's his right, OP doesn't have to accept it - that's her right. Nothing's stopping her from moving out, she would just have to accept the consequences to her actions.

[Dreamer2017]

Dear JessicaJones,

 

It was your decision to step out on your marriage and fall into the hands of another man. You could’ve discussed marriage counseling as an opportunity of healing but you didn’t. Your AP knew of all your baggage but uses you for sex until he was free. You left your marriage and he decided to dump you. Leave your AP in peace and move on. Also, divorce your husband because you don’t love him and give him some sense of dignity. I agree with DKT, your logic of leaving your husband if flawed, if he’s that terrible, don’t give it a second thought, divorce him!

 

Dreamer

[Blanco]

I don't think you should try to work things out with your husband. In my eyes, that option got tossed aside once you started the affair. I can see why you were enticed by the other man, and I wouldn't recommend someone remain in an abusive relationship. But it's pretty clear now that you're looking to work out things with your husband primarily because the other man took a hike.

 

If your husband is abusive, it's better for you to be on your own with your daughter. Don't stay with him just because you aren't comfortable being without a partner.

[mark clemson]

Here the OP saw a reasonable "out" and took it, unfortunately it all went wrong...

 

 

Since when is an affair an acceptable out? The only acceptable out if to deal with your problems head on. Lying and deceit, no matter how you try and "pretty" it up is not reasonable behavior!

 

 

Correct me if I'm wrong Elaine, but I think Elaine's point was that this was "reasonable" only in OP's mind at the time. I don't think Elaine is saying that in her (Elaine's) view an affair was justified.

 

It does seem OP was distressed enough and insecure enough about being on her own to attempt to monkey-branch. Suspect most posters around here would agree it's neither ethical or particularly effective.

[elaine567]

Correct me if I'm wrong Elaine, but I think Elaine's point was that this was "reasonable" only in OP's mind at the time. I don't think Elaine is saying that in her (Elaine's) view an affair was justified.

 

Exactly.

"the OP saw a reasonable "out" "

She was stuck with a man who was depressed, angry, drinking too much and taking it all out on her and in addition stuck in the middle of the countryside...

Her MM was "normal" and a refuge from the real world that had turned into a nightmare.

Of course she saw it as reasonable, logical, rational to move away from the hurt towards the love...

[pepperbird]

Exactly.

 

Of course she saw it as reasonable, logical, rational to move away from the hurt towards the love...

 

 

cue the violins....

 

 

I'm not buying this one bit. Her husband was so abusive, so manipulative, so terrible that the OP's only escape was to cheat?

 

That doesn't make any sense. She is using "abuse" to justify her cheating, yet now that she has no other branch to swing to, saving her marriage is suddenly important?

 

OP, I don't know why you choose to stay with this man. If he's as abusive as you say, then surely staying with him is bad for your daughter...it's teaching her how women should be treated by men, and his example the one you want her to follow? Is "being married" to someone worth this price?

 

Alternatively, I think you had an affair for a whole lot of reasons that had nothing to do with abuse. That doesn't make you a terrible person though. If you don't mind a word of advice, before chalking your actions up to "abuse", why not do some more introspection. Figure out if your marriage is really a good place for you to be and why.

[Dreamer2017]

It doesn't matter who you are.... All of us in this world are responsible for our own ACTIONS AND REACTIONS. We can't blame any decisions we make on anyone but ourselves.

 

Dreamer

[mark clemson]

PB, I think some BS's "reap what they sow" in that if they are truly a bad partner, then their spouse sometimes turns to an affair. Not saying that this is ethical or justified, or the correct "move", just that it is what unhappy spouses sometimes in fact do. LKK is a perfect example of this.

 

It's of course also quite true that many BS's are genuinely nice and are victims of WS's who are completely unscrupulous or worse with no real reason for it. Or to DKT3's point the WS distorts the past/"rewrites history" in their mind to justify selfish behavior.

[DKT3]

I think in most marriages there are no good or bad partners they are just two people trying to figure it out. One is likely more selfish, more self serving and find themselves in affairs and then use any unpleasantness in the marriage to justify it so they dont have to be responsible for their actions.

 

Some things that people (specifically women) say about thier marriage and why they turned to affairs or chooses to stay married goes against logic. Both have been on deplay in this thread. Abusive husband....fact is it's very rare that a abused woman would ever cheat on her abuser. Abused woman tend to placate their husbands at all cost and dont do things that would trigger abuse. Secondly, you cant say you want to stay in your marriage for the kids then have an affair and want to leave for your affair partner. None of it is logical

[ladydesigner]

Abusive husband....fact is it's very rare that a abused woman would ever cheat on her abuser. Abused woman tend to placate their husbands at all cost and dont do things that would trigger abuse.

 

This^^^ is exactly what I was like when I was with my abuser (before my WS). The last thing I wanted to do was inflame him in any way. Most abusers accuse you of cheating as well so that would have also deterred me.

[stillafool]

Yes I was in an abusive relationship also LD when I was younger and I was afraid to do anything that might upset him. Cheating on him would have been like committing suicide.

[mark clemson]

I think in most marriages there are no good or bad partners they are just two people trying to figure it out. One is likely more selfish, more self serving and find themselves in affairs and then use any unpleasantness in the marriage to justify it so they dont have to be responsible for their actions.l

 

 

I suspect you're quite right about true abuse situations.

 

And I also suspect what you state above is often true as well.

 

I respectfully disagree in the sense that I believe in some marriages there are bad partners who are not abusive or otherwise terrifying to their spouse. Alcoholics (with wimpy/passive personalities so not the dangerous kind), other drug addicts, more subtle addictions (television, hoarders, etc), anger issues/always yelling, too controlling, attachment style issues, people who won't take care of themselves, people who emotionally withdraw to a large extent, etc. I'm sure there's plenty I wouldn't even be able to think of out there.

 

None of this makes them deserving of being cheated on. However, as we often see around here, that's the "garden path" that an unhappy spouse sometimes takes rather than taking the bull by the horns and dealing with the issues in their marriage (or, if the issues are really intractable, leaving it).

 

Again, what you describe is no doubt often true as well.

[elaine567]

It is all about risk.

Some people are willing to take a risk sometimes a huge risk to get themselves out of an abusive relationship.

Others will take no risk whatsoever and will be stuck forever in a dreadful relationship, either because they perceive the risk is too big, or because they do not have the necessary courage to make a move.

 

An exit affair or an attempt to monkey branch, can be seen as a way "out" and to some it is worth the risk. Not only is it a means to escape, but there is the also the advantage of the acquisition of a would be protector and supporter.

[pepperbird]

Yes I was in an abusive relationship also LD when I was younger and I was afraid to do anything that might upset him. Cheating on him would have been like committing suicide.

 

 

Same here, but when I was much younger. I never cheated on him, although he was always accusing me.

If I had gone behind his back with another guy and he found out, he would have killed me. Literally.

[Big Aus]

Keep in mind that for the purposes of this advice, I can only rely on what you have told us. If that isn't 100% truthful, then you are shooting yourself in the foot.

 

Whilst obviously interconnected, we need to deal with the two issues somewhat separately, your marriage and your affair.

 

Firstly, lets be honest, you don't fall into an affair if you aren't looking for it.

Clearly you were miserable in your marriage, and at some point it has occurred to you that this new "friend" offered the possibility of a new life, and that is what you have pursued.

It didn't work out, and obviously that leaves you feeling gutted. You were told you won the lottery, and in your mind already planned spending the money, only to be told it was a mistake. Unfortunately the only way to get over that is time.

And to be honest, you are better off without it. He held out to you this ideal of a fairytale life, and it was never going to happen. Give yourself time to get over it, get your life in order, and only then start thinking about another relationship.

 

You need to determine whether your marriage is worth preserving.

For that you need to clarify the changes in your husband, the reasons, and the nature of the "abuse."

We can mostly ignore his reactions to your infidelity. He has every right to be pissed, so unless he actually hurt you, we can put that aside for now.

 

You moved to the country. Did he need to leave his job, or is he commuting? Did you take on a bigger mortgage? Have you held up your end of the bargain?

Unfortunately this is a common theme and occurrence in Marriages: The Man feels he has made great sacrifices to give his wife her dream home, and expects her to reciprocate with love, devotion, appreciations, and a "happy home." He believes that he has done a great thing for her, and that this should earn him substantial Brownie-Points.

However usually the woman sees it as their dream home, something done as much for him as her, and she may expect her husband to do ever more, to help make the "happy home."

 

That he became morose and irritable is not itself an insurmountable problem.

I'm not clear on the timing, but the fact that at the first sign of trouble you withdrew yourself from the marriage, obviously hasn't helped.

 

But we must deal with the question of abuse. If he has struck you, then you need to get out. Period.

 

People do not change. As intelligent beings we can learn to direct our behaviour towards achieving more favourable outcomes, but that's not real change.

An abuser will always revert to abuse.

 

People can be trapped in angry loveless marriages for decades, and never resort to abuse. Once he crosses that line, there is no going back.