Coworker

[AviationNut1980]

New to this forum and have been married for almost 15 years. I have never cheated on my wife, nor do I want to cheat on her, so I need help in regards to a female coworker and discerning whether or not she has feelings for me and if I need to set up stronger boundaries between us. Not sure if it's important but she's also about 12 years younger than me.

 

 

 

I got a new job back in November and was hired with a cohort of about 10 other nurses. One of the nurses I got hired with seems to have taken an instant liking to me. I'm a keen observer of how people behave and their body language and almost immediately I noticed her looking at me and smiling whenever we'd make eye contact. She still does this almost a year later. When we are assigned to different areas or if either one of us if floating she'll actively come to find me and chat and remembers tiny (and what I consider insignificant) details of what I've mentioned to her. We'll joke around a lot and banter back and forth and I've noticed she doesn't behave this with any of the other guys on our unit. She'll talk to them, but none of the joking or banter. I don't actually seek her out while we're at work. I'll always say "hi" but I don't go out of the way to find her and chat, if that makes sense. When I mentioned to her that I'm married, she immediately began to text someone and looked visibly upset. Even before I was married, I never got too much female attention so I'm not sure if I'm just reading too much into this. For full disclosure, if I was single she's definitely someone I'd be interested in dating, but again, I'm not interested in cheating on my wife either physically, emotionally, or both.

 

 

 

So, am I reading too much into this situation or do I need to set some firm boundaries?

[GorillaTheater]

I'm inclined to suggest that you keep on as you are, assuming you're no more friendly to her than you are to other female co-workers, but let me ask this:

 

1) ARE you friendlier to her than other female co-workers, and

2) How have your interactions been since she found out you're married? Any changes?

[AviationNut1980]

I'm inclined to suggest that you keep on as you are, assuming you're no more friendly to her than you are to other female co-workers, but let me ask this:

 

1) ARE you friendlier to her than other female co-workers, and

2) How have your interactions been since she found out you're married? Any changes?

 

1) It’s actually hard for me to judge this accurately. I’d like to say it’s the same, but we have the exact same schedule so I work with her the most compared to my other coworkers but I’m friendly with them as well. Like I said in the OP, I do not seek her out when I’m having down time or a slow night and I’ve actually tried avoiding her a few times but she always come up to me during her slow times.

 

2) Unchanged. She found out months ago and I do talk about my family with her but she usually changes the subject or tries to when I do. She mentioned once that she has a boyfriend but he doesn’t take her out much. All I said was “that’s too bad.” A few weeks later I asked her about it and she looked confused and said something about not having had a boyfriend in a while.

[preraph]

Well, her lying about the boyfriend, yeah, she was trying to not look pathetic to you I guess.

 

Here's what I'd do. I'd pull back and stop talking to her much at all. Don't talk about personal things at all. She may be taking that as encouragement. Be polite and professional. If she ever works up the nerve to approach you, give her a firm "No, I love my wife."

 

And by the way, your wife is lucky to have someone so devoted. Don't tell her about this and worry her.

 

Try to keep this nurse from getting anything like your phone number or knowing where you live just in case. You don't want her causing trouble.

[AviationNut1980]

 

And by the way, your wife is lucky to have someone so devoted. Don't tell her about this and worry her.

 

 

She knows but didn’t seem to care when I told her. We have a lot of problems with closeness in our marriage (more from her end) but that’s for another thread if I ever decide to post about it.

[preraph]

Hopefully, that just means she knows you well enough to know you wouldn't do it. That's the goal, right?

[AviationNut1980]

She knows but didn’t seem to care when I told her. We have a lot of problems with closeness in our marriage (more from her end) but that’s for another thread if I ever decide to post about it.

 

Forgot to mention that work does not and will not know that my marriage has problems.

[alphamale]

Forgot to mention that work does not and will not know that my marriage has problems.

 

every marriage has problems AN1980

[snowboy91]

For full disclosure, if I was single she's definitely someone I'd be interested in dating, but again, I'm not interested in cheating on my wife either physically, emotionally, or both.

 

So from this, it seems like you enjoy her company as a person, but you're more worried about the implications for your marriage, right?

 

So, am I reading too much into this situation or do I need to set some firm boundaries?

 

It seems like from earlier in your post that you already have boundaries set for yourself. Thus, anything within those boundaries is fair game. Talking to her and even hanging out with her outside of work (while giving your wife the heads up/inviting her along) is what I'd consider to be above board (YMMV). It's up to you whether you tell her what your boundaries are, but if she is doing a good job of staying within those boundaries then they are already pretty obvious.

 

She knows but didn’t seem to care when I told her.

 

Perhaps she doesn't see it as a big deal? Especially given you're being open and honest about it.

[smackie9]

Nothing unusual about bonding with a coworker. Boundaries have been set so there shouldn't be anything to worry about. So far everything is above board and professional. Like someone mentioned in another thread...just because a women is friendly/enjoys your company, doesn't always mean romantic interest. Women can like a guy, just to like a guy. I myself have experienced this. I have had a few male coworkers that I got along with like gangbusters....people were gossiping that we were having an affair and all that crap...I had absolutely no romantic interest and nothing of that nature was ever discussed between us.