A cautionary tale for wayward spouses and those in affairs with them

[Springsummer]

The BS is worthless?

I guess a mistake on your part.

 

The problem with marriages, especially long ones is that is not as simple as being about attachment to the other person, it is about Investment.

Investment of years of one's life, money, effort, love. It is about dreams, it is about homes, money, security (physical and financial), kids, family, status...

All aspects of a person's world can be ripped apart and the older one is the less time there is to recover...

 

Well, maybe you can ask those to the above two posters and countless others who have similar experience as you but have totally different attitude as you how they deal and think of those issues.

 

I am just hypothetically speaking. I am a black and white person. I don't see how I can look at someone who betrayed me again, let a lone live and sleep with that person again. so, yes I can imagine a BS is worthless to me.

 

Guess, I am more of a heart and soul kind of person. I can't imagine living a lie, a fake life because of money and status. Guess, I take betrayal itself more serious than other things.

 

People are different, I guess.

[elaine567]

The BS is the betrayed spouse.

[pepperbird]

It's obvious now I don't agree with what she did. I don't see it as excusable.

 

 

 

the ironic thing is that many of the same who are saying she should have stopped and thought about her actions wouldn't hold a WS/OW to that same standard. How many times has the "I didn't go looking for this, It just happened" excuse put on the table?

Surely, unless it's a drunken one night stand or some other similar situation, no affair ever "just happens".

[DKT3]

You never know...you just cant tell how someone is once they feel like they have no other options. Otherwise sane and normal people can become unstable and erratic under pressure and out of options

[Springsummer]

The BS is the betrayed spouse.

 

oh, sorry. I got confused with these acronyms and I am not sharp nowadays, especially with the English language as it's my 3rd language after all. I though BS means the spouse who did the betraying.

[major_merrick]

In my misadventures over the years I've been the cheater, the betrayed, and the other woman. You just can't predict how a situation is going to develop. For me, part of the draw of being the cheater or being the other woman was the aspect of playing with fire - sexual theft is intoxicating. My sex drive is high, so having multiple partners is also a factor. But when I was the OW, that's when the danger level was the highest. When you steal a woman from her girlfriend or her husband, you become a target if they find out.

 

On the flip side, when I was betrayed by a girl I intended to marry, I went nuts and went out looking to cause as much damage as possible....something at which I am extremely effective. I know that is kind of hypocritical, but it gave me some insight into what I'd been doing and I kind of settled down after that.

 

Given the destruction that affairs cause, I totally understand now why adultery was a capital offense in the Old Testament. My community takes a very severe stance on adultery.

[schlumpy]

oh, sorry. I got confused with these acronyms and I am not sharp nowadays, especially with the English language as it's my 3rd language after all. I though BS means the spouse who did the betraying.

 

I find that impressive

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

oh, sorry. I got confused with these acronyms and I am not sharp nowadays, especially with the English language as it's my 3rd language after all. I though BS means the spouse who did the betraying.

 

Hahaha....I kinda figured that's what was going on .

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My community takes a very severe stance on adultery.

 

How so? What do they do? How is adultery defined in your community?

[major_merrick]

Adultery is defined as sex between a man and a woman outside of marriage (assuming that one or both participants are married.) If neither participant is married, then it is fornication which is a totally different issue.

 

Our community believes in Old Testament law as a guideline, which means that capital punishment for adultery would be considered justified. However, such a case would also be informed by the New Testament story of Jesus and the woman caught in adultery - ie. that forgiveness is available and the lethal penalty rescinded. If adultery were to occur, the first step would be that our elders would convene a court of inquiry. To my knowledge, this has never happened. The ideal outcome would be repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation between the betrayer and the betrayed. If not, then there might be a divorce.

 

 

The thing to note about adultery is that it is exclusively a male-female issue due to fertility and paternity, and that both participants are equally guilty. In our community, men and women have ways to expand their sexual options in an approved manner to limit the possibility of adultery and fornication. Men are allowed multiple wives, but are expected to remain chaste before marriage. Women are allowed non-penetrative same-sex contact before marriage to control their urges, and after marriage can have sex with the husband's other wives. Sex within marriage is encouraged and satisfaction of the female sex drive is emphasized.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

So, married women are allowed to have sex with other women, but not men. Are married men allowed to have sex with other men?

[major_merrick]

Married women get to have sex with other women their husband is married to...not outside the household. The contact that unmarried women have with each other is limited - no penetration. Mostly just kissing and touching.

 

Men don't have sex with men at all, ever. That's banned in multiple spots in Scripture, whereas female same-sex contact is not mentioned. Men are held to a somewhat higher standard, and are believed to have greater control over their sexual urges. Women are believed to have more difficulty with self control. The definition of sex is pretty male-centered, as sex is mostly considered to be penetration.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Men are held to a somewhat higher standard, and are believed to have greater control over their sexual urges. Women are believed to have more difficulty with self control.

 

Well that's something I haven't heard before. Way more men are rapists, than women are....

[DKT3]

Well that's something I haven't heard before. Way more men are rapists, than women are....

 

I dont agree with the idea that women lack self control. But even if they did, moreso then men, they have no need to rape. The typical female could leave her house with th idea of having sex and be successful within minutes. For men...not so much.

[major_merrick]

Rape is not about sexual desire or a lack of control. Rape is about power - a very different motive. It can be linked to desire, but aggression is primary.

[pepperbird]

Men are allowed multiple wives, but are expected to remain chaste before marriage. Women are allowed non-penetrative same-sex contact before marriage to control their urges, and after marriage can have sex with the husband's other wives. Sex within marriage is encouraged and satisfaction of the female sex drive is emphasized.

 

 

 

 

Sorry, but this doesn't make a lot of sense, at least in my opinion. Men can sleep around as they wish, while women, should they feel like partaking of that same outlet, are only allowed to "explore" with women? Sounds like it's just another way to oppress women and control their sexuality, but make it sound good. Who does the interpretation of the scriptures? Men?

Edited September 14, 2019 by pepperbird

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Sorry, but this doesn't make a lot of sense, at least in my opinion. Men can sleep around as they wish, while women, should they feel like partaking of that same outlet, are only allowed to "explore" with women? Sounds like it's just another way to oppress women and control their sexuality, but make it sound good. Who does the interpretation of the scriptures? Men?

 

It sounds to me like a religion made up as the founder went along....picking and choosing different parts of scripture based on what they wanted to personally do/be allowed to do, and then it became the doctrine.... (And yes, probably a man!)

[major_merrick]

Men can sleep around as they wish,

Nope. Not even close. Men can sleep with the women they marry, and that's AFTER the wedding. There's also kind of a "soft limit" that men can only marry up to four women. That idea comes from the example of Jacob in the Old Testament, who initially had two wives but then married a couple of his servants as well. The elders - the men in positions of spiritual authority - can only have one wife, along with other requirements that come from the New Testament.

 

Yes, the Scripture is interpreted and taught by men. But then, that's what the Scripture says should happen. Women are to be silent in the gathering and are not to teach. That one was kind of a pill for a stubborn girl like me to swallow.

[fredwhite]

It sounds to me like a religion made up as the founder went along....picking and choosing different parts of scripture based on what they wanted to personally do/be allowed to do, and then it became the doctrine.... (And yes, probably a man!)

 

But isn’t this true for many religious people?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

But isn’t this true for many religious people?

 

Religious people/followers, yes. Not so much mainstream religions in my opinion, but fringe religions for sure (or they'd probably be more mainstream). I'm just fascinated by MM's religion overall because I've never heard of a Christian religion that encourages group sex (pretty sure that isn't in my Bible), lack of nurture for children (definitely not in my Bible), and some other things. What other people believe and how they got there is interesting to me (even if I don't agree with it).

[DKT3]

She is talking multi wives as in LDS. They dont have group sex I believe the husband is allowed many wives but are not allowed to engage sexually with more then one at a time.

 

It all sounds too complicated to me. Besides if I had more then one woman in my house I may be put in a soft room wearing that jacket that forces you to hug yourself.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She is talking multi wives as in LDS. They dont have group sex I believe the husband is allowed many wives but are not allowed to engage sexually with more then one at a time.

 

It all sounds too complicated to me. Besides if I had more then one woman in my house I may be put in a soft room wearing that jacket that forces you to hug yourself.

 

LOL! I believe that is called a straightjacket .

 

MM has talked extensively about group sex, though. I don't think it's the same as the FLDS movement (not LDS, FYI...they don't do plural marriage anymore). But now I feel like we're talking about her behind her back so I'm gonna stop. She can divulge what she wants to about her beliefs!

[major_merrick]

Unlike the LDS, we have no problem with multiple wives in bed with the husband at the same time. Of course, people don't really talk much about what goes on in their bedrooms, so all I can really say is what goes on in my family. So, yeah, technically it can be group sex, but with only one man in the mix. It is a situation that simply isn't mentioned in the Bible. But, logically, how else do multiple wives get along happily in the same space?

Much of the sexual practices of our group are done as a hedge against adultery, marital breakdown, and other things that plague our society today. And of course, to reproduce more kids than average. I believe that our families are more stable than the typical family in the US. Definitely more chaotic in terms of activity level, though. IDK where Cautious gets the idea that our kids are not nurtured. We do things a bit differently and discipline is strict, but I think our kids get more attention in families with multiple moms, rather than less.

 

But...this is sidetracking the thread. The big point of this thread is that there are potential consequences to adultery, even if your particular community doesn't have a penalty against it. I suspect that the lack of a severe penalty for adultery or even much criticism of it is why it is so common in the US these days. Women are especially able to participate in adultery, even have children other than by their husband, and they still get to divorce and take more than half of everything. Many divorce courts don't take cheating into account when considering custody and division of property. I believe that's wrong. The person who did the deed should be the one to suffer. While nobody here would approve of the murder committed in the OP (the death penalty in the old days was handed out by the community, not the victim) there is something appropriate about significant consequences showing up.

Edited September 14, 2019 by major_merrick

[Springsummer]

She is talking multi wives as in LDS. They dont have group sex I believe the husband is allowed many wives but are not allowed to engage sexually with more then one at a time.

 

It all sounds too complicated to me. Besides if I had more then one woman in my house I may be put in a soft room wearing that jacket that forces you to hug yourself.

 

This culture is male centric...why can't the wives have multiple husbands?

 

and hierarchical...if one man has multiple wives, but the wives with one man, then what happen to the other men? how can they even find any woman? This is like a food chain. The tops can eat plenty while the bottoms have none.

Edited September 14, 2019 by Springsummer

[Tristian]

Folks, looks like the topic has been lost so we'll close this one down.