Failure To Launch isn't just a movie...

[Watercolors]

I'm watching the movie Failure To Launch right now (one of my favorites) and wondering why our society shames those of us who have failed to launch into a long term relationship or marriage for that matter.

 

Everyone I know is married or part of a long-term couple. Is it circumstance that allows some people that luxury of being coupled up? I mean, for all the online dating apps in the world, many people who got married never even relied on technology to help them meet someone.

 

Do I have to hire a male SJP character to help me get back in the dating game? I'm not going to use online dating, yuck. I already tried it and it failed me or vice versa. But it just didn't work.

 

Why do I have to feel bad because I'm single? I was hanging out with an ex and his friends last night (circumstance permitting) and he made the passing comment, that it was a nice surprise hanging out with me, as though he expected it to be...worse? His comment kind of triggered my need to be in a relationship at THAT moment as he's been in one himself for 15 years with the same woman (good for him).

 

I don't want to get back together with him either. EEEK. No. But we still had fun hanging out and it's not something we do on a regular basis. This was a total one-off circumstantial meetup. We have no plans to hang out with each other again and parted ways with a nice platonic hug.

 

But I'm still irked by the feeling that I have failed by not having had a long term relationship for myself that was successful. Why does it happen for some, but not for all? Circumstance? Life?

 

What?!

[major_merrick]

We have a lot of failure to launch these days. So, you're not abnormal. And there's different kinds of it too. My sister, in spite of my best efforts, has been a launch failure. She gravitates to older women who she can leech off of, and then goes kind of crazy and finds the next one. Now she's dating one of my exes. My GF#2 is also a kind of launch failure. She doesn't have a job and doesn't want one. She has literary talent but has failed to use it. So she stays home and cooks and cleans. Each to their own.

 

You can have a great job and a nice place, and people might still think you've failed because you lack a long-term relationship. And it can be the exact opposite too - you can fail for lack of a job, etc... All in the definitions, I guess. The question is - what do YOU consider to be a failure?

[Watercolors]

Good question and thanks for your reply!

 

What I consider a failure to launch for me is in the relationship department. I've tried ALL the avenues to meet men to date (meetups, OLD, church, social connections, work) none of which produced anything more than short-term failed connections ended by myself or the man for one reason or another.

 

I know I have a lot to offer yet here I am, sandwiched between my ex of a gazillion years and his buddies, wondering, "Why him but not me? Why did HE get lucky after we broke up and find someone but not me?" Maybe I'm comparing myself to a past partner who left a scar that will never heal, for reasons I'm unsure of. No, the scar isn't one of pining for him. Egads, no.

 

But for some reason, it really bothers me that I was never able to have a long term relationship or get married like so many others I know. I did want to find someone, have children with him (whomever that "him" is...or...was...or could have been).

 

So, with all the other ways I've failed to launch in my life, the relationship dept is the one that bothers me the most. Like, what the hell, Life, why not me? It's not like I haven't tried to meet men to date. I have.

[Mr. Lucky]

So, with all the other ways I've failed to launch in my life, the relationship dept is the one that bothers me the most. Like, what the hell, Life, why not me? It's not like I haven't tried to meet men to date. I have.

 

I’m older and long (happily ) married, which certainly affects my perspective.

 

But there was a time when the process seemed much simpler, both in expectations and execution. Many of my friends met someone they liked in a general sense, and if the feeling was mutual, you spent time together exploring the attraction, compatibility and commonality involved. If you checked most of the boxes, marriage and kids often followed.

 

Now there seems to be a much more focused approach marked by a fairly inflexible template which OLD only encourages. ‘He needs to be a tall, successful gluten-free animal lover’. ‘She should be an athletic, progressive, gaming-saavy world traveler’.

 

Small pools yield limited results, and all these markers limit ones ability to grow into what could be a satisfying relationship. I wonder if the expectations folks have while dating today leave them well-served? JMHO...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Watercolors]

Hey Mr Lucky thanks for your response!

 

Yes, I totally agree with you that OLD has narrowed people's focus and made them inflexible as far as the type of person that they're looking for.

 

I really don't know how I could improve my chances. I won't use OLD b/c to me that's a colossal waste of time and money.

[d0nnivain]

Failure to launch isn't about the male character's failure to have a long term relationship. It's about his refusal to stop hiding behind his parents & assume responsibility for his own life.

 

If you are living independently from your parents & otherwise have a fulfilling life, you have launched. You just haven't found a partner.

 

I moved out on my own after grad school & had a great career & a good life. I travelled. I dated. I did live with somebody. I bought a house. I was a fully functioning adult even though I didn't marry until my 40s. If you are otherwise happy you are fine. Although sometimes it feels like the world is one big Noah's Ark where everybody is paired off 2 x 2, you are not obligated to settle down if that is not what you want.

 

If you do want a special someone, what steps are you taking to achieve that? Do you know the kind of person you want & where you might find them? Are you going to that place & showing yourself as interested in the right person? What do you bring to the table to make you a good partner for somebody else?

[Foxhall]

Its a great movie Failure to launch,

 

First of all it is pity that there are a lot of good people out there and on this forum even, girls and guys who want but cannot seemingly find a match.

 

I dont really know why this is,its perhaps a broader societal issue

 

I think the notion of the comfort zone may have a lot to do with it- people get used to a way of life and it takes courage and so on to deviate away from that, to try new things , to approach random strangers,to pursue new hobbies, to put yourself out there,

 

I also think the universe will give you what you want provided you keep trying,

 

Personally I have met a wonderful woman a few weeks ago- a Mexican again, lol,

will I marry this one-too early to say I suppose but I think yes.

 

Its not easy find it, very difficult actually, I think I went 15 first dates at one stage and did not get a second,

but its good and worth it when you do meet the person you click with.

[Happy Lemming]

Failure to launch isn't about the male character's failure to have a long term relationship. It's about his refusal to stop hiding behind his parents & assume responsibility for his own life.

 

I didn't see the movie, but that is what I thought "Failure to Launch" meant.

 

I never married but moved out of my parents' home on my 18th birthday and never looked back.

 

I had a very strong desire to be independent and nomadic in my youth and did just that. I didn't need to be in a long term relationship or marriage to prove my adulthood.

[alphamale]

I don't know what you are asking Watercolor

[Watercolors]

I'm asking why society shames people who haven't successfully found a long-term relationship or marriage in their life. Watching that movie last night and thinking about my ex's long-term relationship, made me suddenly feel self-conscious like there is something wrong with me, as a person, because I did not fulfill that personal goal and I'm nearly 50. I probably could have rephrased it better but stream-of-conscious isn't always coherent.

 

I guess what I'm asking is, do I have to feel bad about myself because I never found "the one" and got married? And if I do feel bad, is it a reflection of my own hang up, or a combo of my own hang up AND societal expectation for people (because that's what you are supposed to do, right, get married and have children to be truly "happy").

[Rayce]

I think it's the societal expectation that other people have that make you feel bad about yourself. At least that has been my experience. When I think about the times of my life when I felt really happy and content... it was when I was living my life... great connections with my kids and grandkids, working and interacting with other, having hobbies and generally trying to be a kind person. What usually sets of a cycle of low self esteem is when well minded people start with the... how come your not in a relationship or I get excluded from events because I am single... stuff like that. It really weights on me... Then I need to find my way back to happy and content. My therapy is in my garden chatting with God and sometimes it takes a long time to get back but I always have... change happens and this will too pass.

[Watercolors]

@ Rayce I like what you noted about that misguided compliment people give to us singletons, "If you're so great, why are you still single?" It's like a punch to the gut. And I felt that the other night.

 

And I do feel left out when married friends socialize with their other married friends. I have no single friends left and the few divorced friends I have, are so miserable being divorced, that I don't want to hang out with them that much because when I do, I always feel worse about myself afterward.

 

I think it's because Western society promotes the idea of and celebrates marriage, and turns its nose up on being single. In America, if you're single, the notion is that something is inherently WRONG with your personality or job or lifestyle. We all know that's not reality but yet society brainwashes us to feel shame for being alone, and I am tired of it.

 

Sitting in that group of people, knowing that I was the only single person made me feel like the odd woman out.

 

Yes, I can fulfill my time with rewarding platonic friendships, fun activities and hobbies, and travel when I can afford it. But, that doesn't equate happiness to me, personally. What equates happiness for me, is having someone to share all of that with. And I'm so frustrated that it continues to elude me.

[alphamale]

I'm asking why society shames people who haven't successfully found a long-term relationship or marriage in their life.

 

because society expects its members to settle down and procreate. That is what the human race is all about...

[Mr. Lucky]

Personally I have met a wonderful woman a few weeks ago- a Mexican again, lol,

will I marry this one-too early to say I suppose but I think yes.

 

From meeting to marriage consideration within 'a few weeks' ?

 

Patience, my friend...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ruby Slippers]

I guess what I'm asking is, do I have to feel bad about myself because I never found "the one" and got married?

Of course you don't have to feel bad. I haven't found the right relationship, and am beginning to accept it might not happen for me. I spent a few years feeling bad about this, but now I'm getting over it. I could have settled down into not-quite-right situations, but I'd rather be single and generally happy than coupled and feeling compromised.

 

Like you, I used to think I couldn't be truly happy single, but now I'm learning to enjoy my own company even more.

 

Sounds like hanging out with your ex isn't helpful, which isn't surprising.

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess what I'm asking is, do I have to feel bad about myself because I never found "the one" and got married?

 

Having once been married to "the NOT one", it's not an experience I recommend. Sometimes you can only play the hand life deals you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Watercolors]

Of course you don't have to feel bad. I haven't found the right relationship, and am beginning to accept it might not happen for me. I spent a few years feeling bad about this, but now I'm getting over it. I could have settled down into not-quite-right situations, but I'd rather be single and generally happy than coupled and feeling compromised.

 

Like you, I used to think I couldn't be truly happy single, but now I'm learning to enjoy my own company even more.

 

Sounds like hanging out with your ex isn't helpful, which isn't surprising.

 

 

I think it's hit me that I may never marry precisely because of my age. You tend to do a life review when you're near 50, so one of my goals -- getting married, having my own family -- never happened. That's a pretty big let down for me, personally. I'll never have that and it irks me that the opportunity to do that never materialized.

 

 

I enjoy my own company for sure, but I don't always like it. Sometimes, it's not so fun.

 

 

 

Well, my ex could have been anyone really. The fact that it was a one-off opportunity to hang out (since we don't even live in the same state let alone communicate on social media...ever), seemed like a good idea b/c so many years have passed since we dated. It was fun, to be sure, but knowing everyone in his circle were all coupled, let me feeling self-conscious like I didn't have as much to offer b/c of the way coupled people view single people (there is a stereotype that being single = flawed). I think it was because he was my ex, that I compared myself to him. I think that's normal when you run across an ex. At least in the romantic comedies I've seen.

 

Having once been married to "the NOT one", it's not an experience I recommend. Sometimes you can only play the hand life deals you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

Don't gloss over the fact that you HAD the opportunity to marry someone and you took it, believing her to be "the one." So, she wasn't. I've never even HAD that opportunity. Even some friends and family have remarried after being divorced. I mean, c'mon Life, what's up?!?!

 

 

I am playing the hand that Life dealt me but that doesn't mean I can't vent about how "suckie" it feels to be the odd woman out. Literally I'm the ONLY one in my family who is single. I'm sure my siblings' children will marry and I'll be the crazy, dementia-laiden aunt they wheel to their weddings, leaving me in a corner at the reception to gum a piece of wedding cake, unless I have a tube feeder in which case, I'd try to find the champagne fountain and stick my tube feeder in it to get drunk.

[d0nnivain]

Watercolors

 

I get where you are coming from. I was 39 when I met my husband & we married when I was 41.

 

I do not think you failed to launch. I think you haven't found a significant other but that doesn't mean you won't.

 

I did a couple of things when I decided I wanted to get married.

 

First I treated it like a job search. I put in the effort. I got out there. I made a commitment to do at least 1 thing each week to expand my circle & meet new interesting men. Then I thought about where I might find such a man; my usual haunts were filled with men, but they weren't men I wanted to date. I went to business card exchanges, upscale bars for happy hours & singles mixers, MeetUps, political events, industry events, golf outings, charitable events, alumni events etc. I met my husband at a business card exchange.

 

I also did some unconventional (flakey? ) things.

 

I told everybody I knew I was open to being fixed up. I had friends of all ages

so

I had women acquaintances throwing their sons, brothers & even a few fathers at me.

 

One of my friends & I were trying to plan a dinner party with a few other women. Each woman had to bring a great single guy she didn't want to date with her to introduce him to the other women. We never really pulled that off because neither one of us could cook but I still think it's a great idea.

 

Every

so

often I wrote a letter to my future partner. I'd talk (dream) about what we'd do together, where we'd go, how much fun we had. You write the letter addressed to Beloved or some other cute title, no names. You date it & stick it in an envelope then put the envelope in a drawer. I probably had 6-8 letters in there, written over about 2 years before I met

DH

. When we came home from out Honeymoon I gave them to him. We were both blown away by how accurate they were.

 

I had sort of a vision board about marriage & family too.

 

My point is don't give up. Take action.

Edited September 5, 2019 by d0nnivain

[Rayce]

Thankfully at least here in the USA people don't have to be married to have a family. Have you considered adopting or IVF or maybe being a foster parent?

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm sure my siblings' children will marry and I'll be the crazy, dementia-laiden aunt they wheel to their weddings, leaving me in a corner at the reception to gum a piece of wedding cake, unless I have a tube feeder in which case, I'd try to find the champagne fountain and stick my tube feeder in it to get drunk.

 

I have a very different and way more fun vision for my future, even old age. By then I plan to be living off a very healthy nest egg that I'm working hard to build now, finally free to do whatever I want.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm sure my siblings' children will marry and I'll be the crazy, dementia-laiden aunt they wheel to their weddings, leaving me in a corner at the reception to gum a piece of wedding cake, unless I have a tube feeder in which case, I'd try to find the champagne fountain and stick my tube feeder in it to get drunk.

 

Don't beat around the bush, how do you really feel ?

 

As others have pointed out, lots of different definitions of family these days. You might have to expand your search parameters...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Watercolors]

Watercolors

 

I get where you are coming from. I was 39 when I met my husband & we married when I was 41.

 

I do not think you failed to launch. I think you haven't found a significant other but that doesn't mean you won't.

 

I did a couple of things when I decided I wanted to get married.

 

First I treated it like a job search. I put in the effort. I got out there. I made a commitment to do at least 1 thing each week to expand my circle & meet new interesting men. Then I thought about where I might find such a man; my usual haunts were filled with men, but they weren't men I wanted to date. I went to business card exchanges, upscale bars for happy hours & singles mixers, MeetUps, political events, industry events, golf outings, charitable events, alumni events etc. I met my husband at a business card exchange.

 

I also did some unconventional (flakey? ) things.

 

I told everybody I knew I was open to being fixed up. I had friends of all ages

so

I had women acquaintances throwing their sons, brothers & even a few fathers at me.

 

One of my friends & I were trying to plan a dinner party with a few other women. Each woman had to bring a great single guy she didn't want to date with her to introduce him to the other women. We never really pulled that off because neither one of us could cook but I still think it's a great idea.

 

Every

so

often I wrote a letter to my future partner. I'd talk (dream) about what we'd do together, where we'd go, how much fun we had. You write the letter addressed to Beloved or some other cute title, no names. You date it & stick it in an envelope then put the envelope in a drawer. I probably had 6-8 letters in there, written over about 2 years before I met

DH

. When we came home from out Honeymoon I gave them to him. We were both blown away by how accurate they were.

 

I had sort of a vision board about marriage & family too.

 

My point is don't give up. Take action.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. I will take those activities as ideas for my own search. But I do agree -- if I want things to change I probably need to take action (at least, different from OLD as that's something I will never do again).

 

I think I definitely need to journal a lot about the type of man I think is the best fit for me. Maybe doing that will help "him" materialize eventually, if I move forward with more clarity about what I'm seeking in a relationship partner. I never really did that before. I mean, I wrote down a list of traits I wanted in a guy once and three months later I met him, but he and I were still incompatible fundamentally, if you can believe that. He met all my checkmarks on paper, but in person...yowsa, not a good match for me.

 

Thankfully at least here in the USA people don't have to be married to have a family. Have you considered adopting or IVF or maybe being a foster parent?

 

Well I don't want to foster as a single mother. I did think about that. But it would stress me out. I mean, look at Octo-Mom, or that Kate-Plus-Eight lady. I'd foster if I had a tv crew follow me around and a paycheck from the media company paying for the reality tv show of my life. But otherwise, the idea of fostering children and having to rely on county resources to help me do that is very unappealing. I can't do IVF b/c my eggs are almost 50. So, that's just not possible.

 

 

I have a very different and way more fun vision for my future, even old age. By then I plan to be living off a very healthy nest egg that I'm working hard to build now, finally free to do whatever I want.

 

Well, if I use 20% of my savings of my future job, I could definitely save a decent nest-egg for myself (following the 70%-50%-20% financial rule) in five years time (I'd be 52 years old). But, why wait? Like that bratty girl Veruca Salt sang, from the movie "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,"

 

I want the world

I want the whole world

I want to lock it

All up in my pocket

It's my bar of chocolate

Give it to me now

 

But I realize, she was a bad egg who went down the garbage chute. I don't want my life to go down the garbage chute just because I'm single. I guess that's what my whole feeling behind my thread is: that my life is for naught because I never found my "other half" to share it with.

 

Don't beat around the bush, how do you really feel ?

 

As others have pointed out, lots of different definitions of family these days. You might have to expand your search parameters...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I know, Mr. Lucky, I'm quite the moody middle-aged woman aren't I? I am so sad that this is what i have to show for 48 years - might as well order my Spinster kit off of Amazon now. I hear it comes with a cat, bronze tanner, frozen meals, a tv/cable package, makeup, and cruise ship tickets.

 

What definition of family do I want? I want to meet my other half. If he has kids, great. If not, we could always adopt. That remains to be seen. I hope it happens but if it hasn't happened by now, my optimism that it will happen is low.

[basil67]

I'm coming straight out and calling BS on the idea that society shames those who aren't in a long term relationship.

 

Sure, there might be comedy movies about the single loser, but there are also comedy movies about vain people and married people and dating and just about everything else in life. And there may be the occasional aunt or drunken friend who says stupid stuff....but it's hardly all of society doing this.

 

Heck, I've read people here saying that a marriage gives a couple more respect in society, but having been defacto for 27 years, I call BS on that too.

 

The reason I'm saying this is to give you perspective. Some people saying idiotic stuff doesn't reflect on all of the sensible people in society.

[basil67]

I think I definitely need to journal a lot about the type of man I think is the best fit for me. Maybe doing that will help "him" materialize eventually, if I move forward with more clarity about what I'm seeking in a relationship partner.

 

No. No. NOOOOOO. You will then find that looking for a man becomes like looking for a dress that you can see in your imagination but doesn't exist on the racks. Even worse when you can't even find that fabric to make it yourself.

 

Re-read what Mr Lucky wrote about successful dating >>But there was a time when the process seemed much simpler, both in expectations and execution. Many of my friends met someone they liked in a general sense, and if the feeling was mutual, you spent time together exploring the attraction, compatibility and commonality involved. If you checked most of the boxes, marriage and kids often followed.<<

 

Having simpler expectations is the key - not creating an image that nobody can ever be.

[alphamale]

Having simpler expectations is the key -

 

more ppl need to do this basil