d0nnivain Posted September 5, 2019 Share Posted September 5, 2019 I think you get to envision the type of partner you want but you have to flexible. I would have preferred a husband who loves to dance & wants to go to the beach with me. My husband practically bursts into flames in direct sunlight & is a combat Veteran of desert warfare. Sand & the beach do not exactly evoke a sense of calm or peace in in him. He rarely dances & even then not until he's a few drinks. However, I said I wanted a man who I found handsome, who was intelligent, funny, with a good work ethic who was strong enough to let me be weak. That is a pretty tall order & I was not about to lower my standards because I am all those things. But think about it. I can dance & go to the beach by myself or with a GF. I don't want to be married to my GFs To follow up after your comment / anaolgy basil67 I think it's OK to go shopping for a blue satin mini dress as long as you are savvy enough in the dressing room to realize you look better in the knee length green wool dress & then you buy the green one. My basic point is at some point you have to go shopping & on line shopping where you can only look at the picture & guess at the size chart is not the best way to go about this. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted September 5, 2019 Share Posted September 5, 2019 Being able to accept each others imperfections is good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 5, 2019 Share Posted September 5, 2019 Alpha, I swear the term "settling" was coined by Generation OLD. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Watercolors Posted September 5, 2019 Author Share Posted September 5, 2019 Here's the type of "list" I wrote before, that I felt manifested that guy I wrote about who matched all the traits on paper, but in person, a relationship with him proved to be a terrible idea in the end, and we broke up. So I understand that writing a list isn't the end-all-be-all and that other actions should be taken (that were suggested earlier in the thread). But a list is a start, is it not? Watercolors' Ideal Guy: *Emotionally available (c'mon he HAS to be this way, or it's a deal breaker) *Not in his 20s or early 30s (I have no intention of being any man's 'cougar') *Must share my values (also a deal breaker if he doesn't share them) *Great communicator, can talk to anyone about anything (also deal breaker if he's too 'internal' for my liking. I'm an extroverted introvert.) *Doesn't drink or smoke or do drugs (deal breaker if he does) *Strong work ethic and good with his finances *Doesn't have any addictions (deal breaker if he's in recovery for anything) Notice I left out Guy's personality traits. We're talking bare bones list here. I could write a romance novel of the type of partner I'd like. But I am leaving out personality traits because I can't predict or manifest those. But I can have a basic "need" list, right? I could expand this list but this is where I've started. I don't want to settle or have to compromise my lifestyle, my set of values, or my opinions to please the Guy either. I will compromise on things like chores, etc.,. but not on the big stuff. I don't think my list is unreasonable or unrealistic. But I have yet to meet This Guy. And I'm nearly 50. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Watercolors Posted September 5, 2019 Author Share Posted September 5, 2019 The previous list I wrote to manifest the guy who it didn't work out with, contained 90% of personality traits, type of work/career he did, hair color, eye color, height, weight. And that still wasn't a guarantee that "he" would be the right partner for me. The guy actually met everything on that list, but he was the wrong partner. So, I get it. Writing down my expectations on paper is one step but it's not *the* only step to finding a partner. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 5, 2019 Share Posted September 5, 2019 Well at least you aren't alone. There are more single people today than ever before. Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 "an extroverted introvert", I like that analogy, we met before on the herbal remedy thread, I just mean someone from that sphere would be suitable for you, perhaps if you keep a look out for health shows, or demonstrations growing herbs,plants and so on, could easily find someone you'd connect with. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 Watercolors' Ideal Guy: *Emotionally available (c'mon he HAS to be this way, or it's a deal breaker) *Not in his 20s or early 30s (I have no intention of being any man's 'cougar') *Must share my values (also a deal breaker if he doesn't share them) *Great communicator, can talk to anyone about anything (also deal breaker if he's too 'internal' for my liking. I'm an extroverted introvert.) *Doesn't drink or smoke or do drugs (deal breaker if he does) *Strong work ethic and good with his finances *Doesn't have any addictions (deal breaker if he's in recovery for anything) . good luck, you're talking about .00001% of the male population... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 I didn't get what you were asking anymore than alpha did, but I'll say this. I don't care what society thinks. What we do, who we date, or don't date, marry or divorce isn't and NEVER was any of their concern. What business is it of theirs? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 You are adorable! I totally manifested my ex-bf, too He was the studmuffin lover of my dreams. My visuals were more dreamy than pragmatic, though I outlined some specifics, too. But I guess I didn't put enough energy toward his earthly/responsible qualities, as he left something to be desired there! Maybe I'll try to do it again, but I don't know, it's not that hard for me to be a lone wolf and right now it feels unworth all the hoopla to date again. Hang in there, sister! Some of the coolest chicks I know are my single friends Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 I think it's desire mostly. How much you really want it at your core. I grew up in a situation where there wasn't one healthy or lasting relationship to learn from, but I've taught myself little by little how it works. And even though I still have an occasional bumble, the fact there's nothing on this earth I want more than my wife laying next to me every night keeps me learning and making it work. Sounds like it's just something you don't really want Water but you're feeling judged and bullied. If you're determined to cave to social pressure I would suggest throwing out that list and embracing your emotional side. If you feel a spark with a guy who's 25, go on a date an explore it. Explore down whatever path feels right, even if you never expected to go down there. My wife never thought she'd end up with a guy like me and I'm on track for and fully intend to be the longest relationship she's ever had. (Currently in 2nd ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 I'm your age. Most of your list is achievable except the drinking thing. With the exception of an alcoholic mate who's been dry for years, I don't know any 50 something guys who don't touch alcohol. Is there no space for a guy who drinks only on occasion and not that much? (I do know a couple of them) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 Watercolors' Ideal Guy: *Emotionally available (c'mon he HAS to be this way, or it's a deal breaker) *Not in his 20s or early 30s (I have no intention of being any man's 'cougar') *Must share my values (also a deal breaker if he doesn't share them) *Great communicator, can talk to anyone about anything (also deal breaker if he's too 'internal' for my liking. I'm an extroverted introvert.) *Doesn't drink or smoke or do drugs (deal breaker if he does) *Strong work ethic and good with his finances *Doesn't have any addictions (deal breaker if he's in recovery for anything) Sorry Watercolors, but this is exactly what I was referencing. I went out with my wife because I thought she was "cute". My sister dated her husband because he seemed "nice". At least in the beginning of the relationship, it wasn't any more complicated than that. And things had a chance to grow from there - or not. No dealbreakers until I actually got into the relationship, and then they were based on performance and conduct, not checklists. YMMV... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 (edited) I think it's hit me that I may never marry precisely because of my age. I am playing the hand that Life dealt me but that doesn't mean I can't vent about how "suckie" it feels to be the odd woman out. Literally I'm the ONLY one in my family who is single. I'm sure my siblings' children will marry and I'll be the crazy, dementia-laiden aunt they wheel to their weddings, leaving me in a corner at the reception to gum a piece of wedding cake, unless I have a tube feeder in which case, I'd try to find the champagne fountain and stick my tube feeder in it to get drunk. My mom married at 19, 74 and 88. I know lots of older people who marry. I'm also the only one in my family (have many siblings) who is single but I'll never see myself as the crazy, dementia-maiden aunt wheeled into weddings. There are lots and lots of single people out there now and many of us are living a very fulfilled life. One thing that may help me is that I rarely go to a movie so possibly I don't have that influence to define my idea of society's view on those not married. I kind of think of myself as independent and fulfilled with career and passions. I do, however, have children and grandchildren, which really brings a lot of joy to my life. Had I not married Mr. Imperfect, (editing this to add, and had he not married Ms. Imperfect, me!) though, I wouldn't have that joy! Not telling you to marry someone just to have kids. But, I fell in love with Mr. Imperfect and though the union had some difficulties, I'm glad I did it and wouldn't trade the experience for the world. He met all my criteria and I did have a list. Unfortunately the list was made out by a nineteen-year-old immature girl! But, then again, maybe that was fortunate, otherwise I may never have married and had children! Maybe your list is too perfect? PS Although we were Mr. and Mrs. Imperfect most people were shocked when we divorced and a lot of them told me they thought we were Mr. and Mrs. Perfect Together. All that to say, at least some of the people whose lives you're envying, if you could see into the union, you wouldn't be envying at all! Edited September 6, 2019 by LivingWaterPlease Link to post Share on other sites
5x5 Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 I'm asking why society shames people who haven't successfully found a long-term relationship or marriage in their life. For the most part I don't think modern Western society cares at all to shame people over not being in a long-term relationship or marriage. My wife and I have male and female single and never married etc friends, and quite frankly we don't care if they're married, single, or whatever they're doing. Likewise we also don't care if they have kids or don't or anything else really. If they're our friends, its because we like them. Not because of they're relationship status. Being single isn't a disability. /QUOTE]I guess what I'm asking is, do I have to feel bad about myself because I never found "the one" and got married? There's no such thing as "the one", the reality is we can all be replaced by someone else. That doesn't diminish anyones worth. Yet let us not pretend that, the world won't manage without us. We all come and go, and live then die. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
5x5 Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 Watercolors' Ideal Guy: Wow, yet more so for the fact that you say you have left plenty out of that list. It's that kind of mindset that often keeps people out of sexual relationships in the first place. I've been happily married to my wife for 20½ years and we've happily been together for 23 years and a bit. What has worked for us from the get go. Has been that we find each other attractive, we want to share lots of sex together, we like each other, we enjoy each others company and we get on well together. Absent all of that nothing else matters. Without that it won't work. At the end of the day, the fact that your list says nothing about getting on together, liking the other person, enjoying each other, finding the other attractive and wanting to share sex together. Is telling as to where you find yourself if you desired goal is to be in a great relationship with a sexual partner for the longer term. That said there's nothing wrong with finding yourself in the situation you are in. Your life, wants and desires are no less or more worthy than mine. If you're happy enjoy it. If you're not, look at yourself for the whys, and learn to accept the choices you make. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 Water colors I had a check list & it was similar to yours. Here was mine: * handsome, sexy to me, dark hair, slim build preferred * wicked sense of humor * strong work ethic *gallant * intelligent / quick witted * emotionally strong enough to let me be weak * if he had kids they needed to be young enough to biologically be mine (I made this list in my 20s so that was an issue) * hair shorter then mine (mine hangs below my shoulders) * prefer no earrings but if he has one, it has to be smaller than mine * if he doesn't own a tux, must be willing to buy one soon after dating me (this was a practical requirement because at the time I was attending 8-10 black tie events per year so the guy would go broke on rental fees). That's pretty specific & most people on here would have taken me to task if I posted something like that when I was single but the reality is most men I ever dated fit those criteria. Still, I didn't marry until later in life but I got what I asked for. The universe throws you some quirks. I married a Marine vet. That means emotions were off the table. Getting my husband to talk about "feelings" is like pulling teeth. He can & will talk to people but he's an introvert & he's not going to the 1st to start any conversation. He'd prefer to be by himself. Most people are intimidated by him; he's got that thousand yard Secret Service / FBI stare going on. His reserved nature was a jarring change to me; mostly I previously dated lawyers, actors, & sales people -- all people with highly evolved communications skills & extroverted personalities. 2 things about your list jumped out at me: There are way too many "deal breakers". Preferences are better. Some deal breakers I'll grant you -- no druggies or married men -- but flexibility remains the watch word. I wouldn't rule out somebody who has been in recovery for more than 5-7 years. Yes, still doing drugs / excessive alcohol is a deal breaker & I could never bring myself to kiss a smoker unless he had just brushed his teeth but really are you going to throw away a perfectly good guy because he has 1-2 glasses of champagne at a wedding or on NYE? The "universe" also omits the word "not" when you give specifications. Things have to be expressed positively or you get exactly what you don't want Would you be open to how I revised your list as follows? *Emotionally available * In my age range * Similar values * good communicator, interesting to talk to * clean, sober non-smoker (any previous addictions have been conquered) *Strong work ethic and fiscally responsible I think the point is to give somebody a chance because on your list drinking / smoking / drugs & possibly age are the only criteria you can objectively quantify upon meeting someone. The rest will take a few dates to figure out. OK, so now where to find such a man? Obviously bars are out. I'd suggest you check out volunteer opportunities; maybe a docent at a museum; work on a political campaign; church; some type of meet-up group that doesn't meet in a bar; industry events; and maybe alumni association events. Also consider niche singles things. Just before I met my husband I was trying to sign up for something called It's Just Golf. They put together a foursome to play golf. Worst case you get in a round of golf. Best case you spend 4 hours getting to know somebody. Happy hunting. Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 I ditched the list idea a long time ago. I'm looking for a spark and I hope he is a decent human being! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Watercolors Posted September 6, 2019 Author Share Posted September 6, 2019 What a great thread! Thanks everyone for your posts! You've all given me a lot to think about! One thing I will take away from this thread is that no, I don't need to absorb society (or, more realistically, pop culture's) bias view on single people vs. married/coupled people as far as their worth. I mean, single people pay more in taxes than married people do, so even our own gov't rewards people for being married (tax cuts, tax credits, tax breaks). Ugh. Ok. I will stop thinking I 'failed to launch' because despite leaving home I've been single ever since. What the future holds for me who knows. Although, a cute (still single) guy I went to grad school with, reached out to me today on social media whom I haven't heard from in ten years. So, maybe.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 I don't need to absorb society (or, more realistically, pop culture's) bias view on single people vs. married/coupled people as far as their worth. We must see different films and TV programs. Many of the ones I see glorify the 'carefree' single life and make marriage look as appealing as indentured servitude. Although, a cute (still single) guy I went to grad school with, reached out to me today on social media whom I haven't heard from in ten years. So, maybe.... You never know ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Watercolors Posted September 7, 2019 Author Share Posted September 7, 2019 (edited) We must see different films and TV programs. Many of the ones I see glorify the 'carefree' single life and make marriage look as appealing as indentured servitude. You never know ... Mr. Lucky Well, we must! haha! And, uh, hope crushed already! He just responded to my message I wrote to him, thanking him for reaching out, to catch me up on his life; he's newly divorced with small children and contacted me b/c for some reason I popped into his head. Edit to add: I assumed he was still single because there were no married photos of him or his children on his profile. Emotionally available is a "must have" for me. This guy's definitely not that yet. Long sigh. Edited September 7, 2019 by Watercolors Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 8, 2019 Share Posted September 8, 2019 Where did you get "emotionally unavailable" from what he wrote? (forgive me if it was in an earlier post) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Watercolors Posted September 8, 2019 Author Share Posted September 8, 2019 @basil67 because he is "recently" (see: under a year) divorced with small children. I have to assume his first priorities are his children and dating second since his wife just divorced him a few months ago. Yes, he reached out to me said hello which was a really nice surprise. But now that he told me in his second message that he is recently divorced, that makes me leery to make myself available to him to date should that opportunity ever arise (who knows if he'd even be interested in me, after being married). Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted September 8, 2019 Share Posted September 8, 2019 @basil67 because he is "recently" (see: under a year) divorced with small children. I have to assume his first priorities are his children and dating second since his wife just divorced him a few months ago. Yes, he reached out to me said hello which was a really nice surprise. But now that he told me in his second message that he is recently divorced, that makes me leery to make myself available to him to date should that opportunity ever arise (who knows if he'd even be interested in me, after being married). Oh, c'mon! Wait until you know the details of his life before you decide he's emotionally unavailable! I know a young man with children who's recently divorced and in a great place for a new relationship. He and his ex tried to work through her continued cheating for several years. He didn't want his children to grow up in a broken home is why he tried so hard to save the marriage. By the end of the three years he was done! Totally. And he's ready for a new relationship. Has been in counseling the entire time and has treated his ex very well. Was a faithful husband and a top earner. Just because a person's divorce is fresh doesn't necessarily mean they aren't ready for a new relationship. With some, am sure it's true, but not with all. Don't write this guy off because you think you know all about him based on the fact he's recently divorced. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 8, 2019 Share Posted September 8, 2019 I have to assume his first priorities are his children and dating second since his wife just divorced him a few months ago. Yes, he reached out to me said hello which was a really nice surprise. But now that he told me in his second message that he is recently divorced, that makes me leery to make myself available to him to date should that opportunity ever arise (who knows if he'd even be interested in me, after being married). A lot of negative assumptions, which may or may not be true. Hope this isn't typical of the way you've considered other candidates... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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