Author Watercolors Posted September 8, 2019 Author Share Posted September 8, 2019 Oh, c'mon! Wait until you know the details of his life before you decide he's emotionally unavailable! I know a young man with children who's recently divorced and in a great place for a new relationship. He and his ex tried to work through her continued cheating for several years. He didn't want his children to grow up in a broken home is why he tried so hard to save the marriage. By the end of the three years he was done! Totally. And he's ready for a new relationship. Has been in counseling the entire time and has treated his ex very well. Was a faithful husband and a top earner. Just because a person's divorce is fresh doesn't necessarily mean they aren't ready for a new relationship. With some, am sure it's true, but not with all. Don't write this guy off because you think you know all about him based on the fact he's recently divorced. True -- I don't know what his emotional availability is. He could be ready...or not to date. Plus, we just reconnected and romance isn't even on the table yet. Just something I thought about. A lot of negative assumptions, which may or may not be true. Hope this isn't typical of the way you've considered other candidates... Mr. Lucky Says the guy who is divorced then remarried. Everyone has different thresholds Mr. Lucky. I've been burned enough by 'recently divorced" men as their placeholder rebound, to know better. So, my previous experiences with divorced men have all been negative. Why would I change my belief system with my grad school friend, having been rebounds for the divorced men I dated? I'm glad he reached out to me. I will wait and see what happens. So far, we've just connected online again. We haven't made any plans yet to meetup in person. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 I agree that divorced less than a year makes someone a no-go for something serious. Come on, it takes time for the weight of the legal finality to sink in. However, there's nothing wrong with him contacting you at this point. I find that my dating life tends to gain momentum - starting with little bites like this that aren't quite right, then getting gradually better. Just enjoy it for what it is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Watercolors Posted September 9, 2019 Author Share Posted September 9, 2019 Hi Ruby, I've been burned BADLY by "recently divorced men" I've dated. And by burned badly, I mean, they love bombed me, future talked me, tried to get me to move in with them or vice versa, giving me the keys to their place before I've even met their family or friends, etc. the list of red flags I've experienced as a rebound is long. I probably have skepticism about dating because I've mostly been rebounds in my relationships with men who were not emotionally available. I've TRIED to my best to uncover my reasons for getting involved with emotionally unavailable men (with the help of a therapist) to no avail. I can see the emotionally unavailable types a mile away, yet somehow, I end up enmeshed with them as a rebound even when I tell them, "I don't want to be your rebound" I am STILL their rebound. So, either I'm undateable (funny tv sitcom too, fyi), or more clueless than ever. I admit, the timing of his contacting me put a smile on my face. He's very attractive and his kids are adorable and we have a lot in common interest-wise, but meh, we were both single during grad school and he never made a move on me back then to date him. So, methinks his contacting me out of the blue is for platonic reasons (and I'm projecting my loneliness on to him b/c who knows why...). I hope we can get together. Would be fun to at least talk to him in person. Then I'll have a better idea of what's going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 Well, it's good you're identifying a self-limiting pattern and changing it! I've never been drawn to emotionally unavailable guys but still haven't gotten it quite right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Watercolors Posted September 9, 2019 Author Share Posted September 9, 2019 Well, I know that it's my belief about partners that is why I am attracted to emotionally unavailable men. They reinforce my deepest insecurities that I have about myself. My "attachment" style is rooted in deep anxiety. Can't get rid of my attachment style as I'd have to change my personality 100% and that's never going to happen. I like who I am. So, I have to find a man who accepts my type of attachment style. So far, no takers. Therein lies the rub. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 Says the guy who is divorced then remarried. . I know! Makes me an expert, right? I’m simply suggesting you keep your options open, in this or any other situation. At least in my case, life has proven many of my biases and preconceptions wrong... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Watercolors Posted September 9, 2019 Author Share Posted September 9, 2019 I know! Makes me an expert, right? I’m simply suggesting you keep your options open, in this or any other situation. At least in my case, life has proven many of my biases and preconceptions wrong... Mr. Lucky I was just teasing you Mr. Lucky. I greatly value your opinion!! I would like to keep my options open. Believe me. But, when my options are the same type of guy -- Mr. Emotionally Unavailable -- it's hard to be optimistic when I meet men or reconnect with old male friends like this one from my grad school days, who didn't ask me out back then when he was single. I wish Life would prove my biases and preconceptions about romantic relationships wrong. But I think because of my attachment style and the fact that I only ever attract men who are terrified of emotional intimacy, well, I tend not to trust Life. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 This is nothing personal because it's for all of us who are single. Most people are emotionally unavailable until they meet someone they want to get emotionally involved with. If someone is emotionally unavailable to you or to me, it doesn't necessarily mean they're an emotionally unavailable person. In a recent thread you wrote that your attachment style is rooted in deep anxiety. Often when deep anxiety about a relationship is sensed, a coping mechanism some use is to pull away, which could cause them to seem emotionally unavailable. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 I only ever attract men who are terrified of emotional intimacy. Perhaps Watercolors, a hard truth is that this describes a large majority of men in your demographic dating pool. So rather than searching for the unicorn, a better strategy would be focusing on how to overcome this known obstacle in relationships. Combined with LWP’s post above, something to think about... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Watercolors Posted September 10, 2019 Author Share Posted September 10, 2019 Well if all men are terrified of emotional intimacy with me, then I guess that means I'm due for renewal of my subscription to The Spinster Times. If I'm the "known obstacle," the solution is there is no solution. Link to post Share on other sites
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