Need Your Thoughts On This...

[Johnjohn7]

So I've been dealing with a woman for a 11 years now whom I love very dearly. However, we have never officially been together due to bad timing. So most of our encounters have been us secretly meeting up during lunch, a hotel, library or parking lot somewhere. Our situations are both very complex.

 

I'm in an unhappy marriage no kids, & very successful. She's with her baby's father whom they have 3 kids together & is currently going through a difficult custody battle that has me very confused at the moment.

My question is should I just fall back & focus on me, and ultimately stop seeing her altogether or just be there for her no matter what? I've never loved a woman like this before, not even my wife. Her argument has been that we can't be together right now because she's fighting to resolve this custody issue with her kids, plus she's trying to get herself together in the sense of being more financially stable to move out on her own. Plus she doesn't want us to just 'move in together" because she want's to slowly introduce me to her kids, which I completely understand.

 

Therefore, she can't put a time on "when" we can possibly try being together. What are ya'll thoughts on this? Should I just cut her off & move on with my life? Or continue to fight for what I love & be patient, and YES i'm getting a divorce.

Edited September 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge threads into OM/OW; add paragraphs

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

When did you file for divorce?

[Johnjohn7]

I am in the process of filing. Me & my wife are still trying to decide who gets what before we get the lawyers involved.

[Foxhall]

well three kids and a potentially jealous ex- husband- the sensible option may be walk away,

 

that being said,your comment about the strong feelings, personally I only rarely get strong feelings, so if it was me I would fight for her.

[preraph]

Listen to the part about her goal being to be financially independent so she can be out on her own. That is a woman who is tired of marriage and likely isn't about to go from the frying pan to the fire. And moving in with any man anytime soon would make it harder for her to get what's fair in the custody battle. If you really want to help her right now, her number one priority is getting through the custody battle. Best you stay at a distance and not let some private eye catch wind of you.

[FMW]

Pull back, take a break. Focus on yourself and the transition to being divorced. If you're supposed to be together, you will, eventually. But clearly right now is not the time.

 

With distance and time apart from her you should gain clarity. You may very well find yourself interested in discovering other options.

[somanymistakes]

She may or may not ever actually want to leave the other guy. Some people prefer having both a home marriage/partnership and an outside romantic partner who doesn't demand too much from them.

 

So there's no guarantee that she's ever going to be "ready" for a real relationship with you because that may not be what she actually wants from you. She may prefer the "beautiful moments" relationship.

 

Right now you need to focus on dealing with your divorce and getting yourself into a good place where you're happy with who you are. Once you've sorted that out, then take another look at her and her situation and make some decisions about the future that you want.

[Beendaredonedat]

Should I just cut her off & move on with my life?

Yes, yes you should.

 

While you're moving on with your life, talk to a lawyer about leaving your marriage if you're not happy in it and REALLY move on with your life.

[mark clemson]

and YES i'm getting a divorce.

 

 

He has been apparently.

 

Since you intend to divorce anyhow, finish that up and give her the space she needs. I suspect she wouldn't be requesting it if she didn't strongly feel she needed it.

 

Hopefully time apart will not change how you feel about her. IF it does, that perhaps tells you something too.

 

Try to be decent to your wife and give her a fair settlement. You cheated on her - perhaps it was going to end anyhow, but she didn't deserve that. The general consensus around here is that a marriage should end on it's own terms, without the involvement of an OM/OW, but I suspect that ship has sailed.

[S2B]

Have you filed for divorce? When will it be final?

 

Since this gal has dragged her feet for 11 years - assume she won’t be available after you divorce. The best way to figure out your future is by looking at what the pattern is for past behavior. She is going to flake on you.

 

Get the divorced finalized. Then date an available gal.

 

 

How old are her kids? Does she work full time? Can she support herself?

Edited September 6, 2019 by S2B

[BTDT2012]

She's with her baby's father whom they have 3 kids together & is currently going through a difficult custody battle that has me very confused at the moment.

My question is should I just fall back & focus on me, and ultimately stop seeing her altogether or just be there for her no matter what? I've never loved a woman like this before, not even my wife.

Her argument has been that we can't be together right now because she's fighting to resolve this custody issue with her kids, plus she's trying to get herself together in the sense of being more financially stable to move out on her own.

 

 

How is she in a custody battle if she lives with the father of her children? Is she married? It sounds like she was fine with you being a little something on the side, but now that you are divorcing, she is pulling back.

[anika99]

If you have been involved with her for 11yrs but have never officially been a couple then I'm going to guess it's because one or both of you don't truly want an official committed relationship with one another. When two people are in love and want to commit to each other it sure as heck doesn't take them 11yrs to do that. You have never had kids so could have easily ended your marriage much sooner. It sounds like she was making babies with another man during this 11yr long supposed love of a lifetime affair. Ridiculous.

 

I'm going to guess that the nature of your relationship with her, the secretiveness, the hurried meetups in parking lots, the unavailability, the moments of pleasure at being together, followed by the moments of pain at being apart, are all things that have fueled your feelings of wanting her and being in love with her. Take all that excitement, drama and longing away and what are you left with? I suspect that if you two ever did become an official committed couple that your intense feelings for each other would soon fizzle out.

 

Secret meetings in hotels and parking lots is sexy and exciting. You have great sex, emotion fueled discussions, you share laughs and sometimes tears, but it's all in a private bubble and removed from real life. An escape from reality where none of the mundane annoyances of daily life exists. She's not bitching at you about the kids, there's none of the domestic arguments over money or chores or child care. Your time spent with her is all fun sexy time where you can be totally focused on each other and nobody else exists.

 

I think two people who are in committed relationships but spend years in an affair actually have intimacy issues. They can't handle being truly committed to just one person. It's too demanding, too boring, too much work. It forces you to fix problems rather than run away from them, requires honesty and openness, sacrifice and compromise. A person in a serious relationship and a longterm affair is never fully committed to anyone. Their marriage protects them from committing to their affair partner and their affair partner protects them from committing to their marriage.

 

Guess that's my long winded way of saying that I don't foresee this affair turning into a successful relationship. You're entertaining a fantasy and if you got what you think you want you would be very disappointed.

[elaine567]

Even if a relationship was on the cards, it is going to be huge leap from the exciting secrecy of an affair to the humdrum existence of family life and being a step dad to 3 kids...

Do you even like kids?

How do you envisage getting along with the father of her children?

[mark clemson]

It's true that there is a pretty good chance she is having second thoughts and probably wondering how it good work with kids and whether you are "father" material (you're unproven in this regard as you have no kids). And indeed she may have realized the inherent contradiction in being both step dad and a major figure, even if not the cause, during her separation from the bio father.

 

Just because she likes you doesn't mean the rest of her brain shuts off and in affairs, just as in so many aspects of life, practical issues/necessities tend to win over wishes/desires.

[S2B]

Have you ever given her money?

[Beendaredonedat]

and yes I'm getting a divorce

So does that mean you are legally separated and living separately or are you just giving "getting a divorce" lip service?

 

... again. Leave the OW and get on with you life with a clean slate minus both woman. One you don't love and appreciate the other you base your feelings on stolen, illicit moments together where life doesn't get in the way of your lust. Its' bogus.

[pepperbird]

How old are her kids?

If any of them are below the age of 11, then you may be a dad and not even know it yet. Either that, or she was still sleeping with her husband.

My guess? She is married to an average joe type of guy. Not bad, but not exciting either. }You come along, you're single and free, and can offer her lots of NSA fun, a vacation from her hum drum every day life.

 

It's like a vacation. The problem is, vacations never last, and if they become permanent. the cracks start to show. It's like when my family and I visited San Pedro Island. It's a lovely spot for a vacation, but I wouldn't want to live there.

 

Also, unfair as it may seem, you may be great "affair" material, but when it comes to a long term commitment, she may well be looking for "dad" material. Someone she can trust. She can't ever trust you, as you've shown her you can and will cheat. I know that's unfair and so hypocritical, but it is what it is.

[Prudence V]

She can't ever trust you, as you've shown her you can and will cheat.

 

That’s one helluva assumption. Not all former APs who end up together live in permanent distrust. If people understand why and what led them to infidelity, they can move beyond it. Claiming that she “can’t ever trust him” is pure projection and speculation, and also suggests that no BS could ever recover a marriage that experienced infidelity - which we all know is patently untrue.