My story if you're interested in reading (WARNING: extremely long read)

[UniverseInMe]

I have something to share with you guys. It's not an experience so uncommon anymore thanks to the internet and certainly not as detailed and life changing as most others who had similar experiences, but it's my experience, nevertheless and something I felt compelled to share with you guys. Again, sorry for the long read so please bare with me.

 

Like most of us born to this earth I had a pretty rough upbringing. We were the typical poor family that struggled financially. We grew up on welfare and food stamps. I was youngest of 3 siblings. On top of the financial struggles my father was old school and disciplined us hardcore. He ruled our household with an iron fist. He was physically and mentally abusive, wasn't the bread winner and just a poor role-model all-around. My mother mainly worked and later when my siblings were old enough they too financially contributed. My mother was and still is an absolute angel, hard working and rarely, RARELY complained. To me she represented light and my father darkness. I feared my father tremendously. All I ever wanted was to be with my mother and avoid my father at all costs.

 

Now, certainly my 3 siblings probably felt the same way towards my father but for some odd reason I took my father's lacking role as a nurturing caregiver the most personal. I'm 44 now but looking way, way back at my younger self from a third-person perspective I could see most of my life choices, if not all, were based off of insecurities probably due to my father, and how he deeply and negatively affected me.

 

You see I was ashamed of my strict father and the things he put us through. I was also embarrassed in so many scenarios in my young life that it was no wonder my insecurities had developed. But again, the part that makes all this exceptionally weird for me was that I took it the most personal of all my siblings. I say this because even though my father has long been dead they still talk about him with reverence where as I keep myself reserved because deep down I resented him. My siblings are all in happy marriages with children, even grand children, relatively well in the finance department and yet even at my age of 44 I'm still single, struggling financially and I think it's due to those major insecurities still lingering within.

 

One night, when I was a kid, probably between the age of 12 and 14, something extremely frightening happened. I was sleeping but suddenly woke up to something terrifying. My whole body was enveloped with fear. I quickly sat up on my bed, grasped my heart and started to panic big time. I was sharing my room with my two brothers and sister at the time so I rushed into my living room as not to wake them and just sat on our couch, in darkness, looking outside of our small window. My heart was racing and all I can think of was what the hell was happening to me. I just sorta sat there taking what was happening but all the while thinking I was gonna die, making my situation even worse. Now, looking back obviously I was having a panic attack but back then I was just a kid who enjoyed playing Nintendo, riding bikes, playing outside and suddenly I was hit with this out of nowhere? As a kid? Well, shortly after about 30 to 40 minutes the worst of it subsided and I eventually went back to sleep. The next day I don't ever remember thinking what had happened the night before, to be honest. I just went about my normal kid-life as usual and forgot about it.

 

Later in my early twenties I started to party hardcore. Going out clubbing, raves, drinking like crazy, cocaine, experimented with other drugs, unprotected sex, the whole nine. But it got to the point where I had descended into the dark abyss resulting in full-blown panic attacks, only this time they were here to stay. You have to understand this was pre-internet so I didn't know what a panic attack was only that I was getting them routinely and they felt absolutely horrible. Heck, at one point I thought I had brain cancer. Needless to say I was so scared that I stopped going out, doing drugs and drinking altogether.

 

A few months of panic attacks and full blown depression my thoughts started altering. I felt disconnected from reality. It was such a disgusting feeling. So I turned to prayers. I had no choice. And oh boy did I pray. Heck, I was begging God to help me because I was absolutely lost and scared out of my mind. I trepidly approached my mother and a few others for help in subtle desperation but they pretty much all unintentionally brushed me off by saying "you'll get over it." That frustrated me even more. I felt like no one was able to understand my situation so I just kept quite. Then after a few months of unanswered prayers I came to my wits end. I lost all hope that I was going to ever get better so I started lashing out at God in a fit of rage; why would God, a God who was suppose to love me, ignore my plea!? I was crying myself to sleep pretty routinely and I was tired of it. One night I even lashed out at God "God, if you exist, show me!" Something to that extent.

 

Then one night, a couple weeks later, my parents had gone to my uncle's house and left me alone with my depression. By this time I had already acclimated to feeling lousy so it was just a matter of management. I grabbed one of my mother's VHS tapes, still in its plastic seal, the story of Jesus, but it was all in Arabic dialect. Anything to make me feel better. I popped the tape into our player and clicked play. The movie started playing not understanding a single word but didn't matter, it was soothing. Then I laid down on my couch and drifted off to sleep.

 

Then it happened...

 

A pinpoint of light appeared in the background and slowly expanded, rising. I was looking directly at the brightness, all the while not effecting my vision in discomfort whatsoever. Quite the contrary because the feeling was of absolute bliss. More-so, if I can properly explain it because for one thing it was so long ago and secondly not something easily explained in words, but the feeling was of "Oh my God, there IS something out there and it's absolutely amazing and I can't believe this is happening to me and it's real! I don't deserve this. How lucky am I?!" Keep in mind I was absolutely lucid. And no this wasn't a lucid dream because it felt like it was happening outside of me. Again, hard to explain. Anyway, then the light started moving closer and closer and closer and closer and eventually tapped my forehead. I physically felt the sensation of all the pressure in my head disperse throughout my body. Then the light disappeared. Poof, gone. Just like that. I opened my eyes and literally leaped onto my feet in absolute astonishment. I stood there frozen looking at my wall thinking "What. The hell. Just. HAPPENED!?"

 

Needless to say, it was a positive experience. So much so the excitement it left in me was making me antsy to tell anyone of my experience who was willing to listen. I couldn't wait! Next day, I remember working at the YMCA weight room, I had to tell someone of my experience; it was killing me, so I approached this really cute girl I knew on the treadmill and recounted my experience to her. Even though she was happy for me I can tell she wasn't totally sold on it. And it wasn't that her reaction disappointed me, rather, I felt maybe I should just keep this to myself because no one is going to feel what I felt in that moment anyway so what's the point, words just don't do justice. And so I kept quite of my experience for many years after that, quietly tucked away in the back of my head.

 

Anyway, I wish I can tell you my life became amazing after that experience but it didn't but I can tell you eventually the panic attacks and anxiety did go away after I sought help with a psychiatrist. I took medication for quite a few years and it did help but not without repercussions. Fast forward in life when internet became a thing I started researching obsessively about what had happened to me which led me down a rabbit hole of information. And I'm not talking about a couple days, or weeks or even months of research. We're talking years. I still am obsessed, to this day. I can honestly say I'm an expert in OBE (Out Of Body) which is what happened to me and NDE (Near Death Experience) phenomenon.

 

Now I know many of you unfamiliar with this subject will dispute this and that's okay because I know what I know and I can honestly say with confidence that I experienced it first hand so it's not like I don't know from actual experience. Truthfully, I'm saying this to hopefully enlighten you if that's okay. It has made me much easy with the thought of death. Without a doubt.

 

But here is my dilemma and perhaps you guys can enlighten me on this who understand me so far. Just a fare bit of warning, this might frustrate you, so here goes. I've been struggling big-time as-of late financially and relationship wise. This has been a very common theme throughout my life. I've never been in a normal relationship and have had financial stability. Never. Even though I've come to terms with what happens to us after we die I still haven't been able to achieve these goals in this physical realm, because of which I've resorted back to depression once again, only this time it's worse. What I mean is I feel like, and please work with me on this, perhaps I'm SUPPOSE to be here? Maybe this was my destiny to feel unworthiness and insecurities so that I may feel compelled to help others through my own struggles? I know it sounds ludicrous, but again, just work with me. I've also noticed, because I drive for Uber part-time, which I despise now, when the opportunity arises I share my OBE experience, or give advice on other important subject matters and for the younger people on things NOT to do in life. I've noticed that after I do the person listening lights up and really appreciates what I had to say. I'm very, very positive about it. I'm much older now so I have become a lot wiser and better in communicating and I'm really easy to talk to. I know this might sound like negative thinking, or crazy, or whatever, but this would have to explain why I have this perpetual feeling of unworthiness and hopelessness. It's like I feel I'm sacrificing a life that I truly want for the sake of helping others instead. See, what I want now more than anything is to flourish in my new business, have a place of my own and get married. That's it! But it's like I'm constantly at odds with myself, conflicted and questioning my own abilities to the point where I've thought maybe, just maybe this was my destiny to be struggling and to drive for Uber because this is where, perhaps, God thinks I can be placed best to help others more effectively since I'm somewhat good at it? I know, this is crazy, but again, just bare with me.

 

Look, I know for those who have bravely made it this far are most likely gonna jump down my throat for the garbage I'm spewing, but I'm just talking here. And believe me, I absolutely hope I'm wrong. The thing is what I learned of the afterlife research is that the reality we're all living in now is the dream state and that the afterlife is our true home and the real-REAL. This has been reported by millions of credible people from around the world who don't know each other. All consistent with one another. We just come here to fulfill certain missions/tasks/roles whether it's good or evil, as crazy as this sounds. We even choose our own parents. I mean it does explain so many things I wished I can write out but for the sake of not turning this into a bigger novel I'll spare you. We also plan our own lives, not to the T but rather we place our own obstacles and gains and it's up to our freewill when we reach them to choose how we treat them. Basically, earth is just a huge University designed specifically for our spiritual growth and to experience contrast and/or in service to others. Now, for those who are still with me I for one still love this life. I appreciate this existence very much, so much so that I don't want to see myself like this, unhappy and questioning my own reality. I just hope that even though I don't mind God using me as a conduit I just hope it's not at the cost of my own happiness. You see, I'm really struggling mentally to have the will to make a better life for myself because at this point I don't know how anymore. It just seems so hard for me. Maybe not for you.

 

And what frustrates me even more it's like I'm convinced there is an afterlife and loving beings who are divine and looking out for our best interest and sometimes those interests are not what we want here on earth but on so many countless occasions I've once again resorted to begging and pleading with all the divine beings who are listening to please help me. I don't pray things to be given to me on a silver platter, just for an opportunity or a mentor, something of hope, something to give me a jump-start. I just feel so alone and so conflicted that I'm starting to question everything again even though I know what I know. I've practically alienated my own friends because I'm ashamed of myself. I know, it's sad and not helpful to my situation but you have to understand I'm a proud person and we live in a world that's very judgmental and there is nothing we can do about it other then move to Antarctica to escape it all. It's just how life is. For that reason I would rather be alone than to show face to others in my current state. I'm just not happy because I know I'm capable of so much more and I know this and people see that in me too and yet when they see how much I'm struggling I get the strong sense they feel sorry for me, including my family and I absolutely hate that. Even my own friend and this girl who I once dated called me out, not in a bad way or anything, but they reluctantly mentioned as to not hurt my feelings how they felt I wasn't happy because I was struggling financially. It was so embarrassing. And I know many of you will say it's not important what others think of you, well, it's a lot easier said than done. Just sayin'.

 

Like let me share with you this. I've watched countless videos online and read countless of articles and some books on successful people. Lets take Arnold Schwarzenegger as example. Here's a man who at a very, very young age said he had already a vision, a "blueprint" planned out for his life so to speak when he was in his teens. In his teens!? A blueprint of exactly what he wanted!? As a teen!? That's absolutely miraculous! How on earth does a kid from Austria who was an only child born to a modest, strict parents with very little resources have a clear vision of his entire life?! All of which he achieved by the way. When I was a teen I was absolutely clueless and yet here's a kid born with quite literally the blueprint to his entire life. Could this be the divine working here? Did he plan his life to be exactly as it is before he was born? I mean how many people you know as a teen have had Arnold's vision? When you're that young your brain hasn't even fully developed let along have an entire blueprint laid out and executed with determination and precision?

 

Or lets take Mike Tyson. Mike is by far far from perfect, obviously. He's a very disturbed human being triggered by trauma from his youth. On paper he should be in prison or dead because of his actions from when he was a delinquent. But, by shear coincidence and timing he meets a man who ends up introducing Mike to Cus D'Amato and the rest is history. Yes, Mike is still troubled, but he's successful now living a comfortable life and enjoying the rest of his years. And if you look at him now he looks happy.

 

Or how about Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, Michael Jordan, Labron James, Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, Al Pacino, Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio, Kelly Clarkson, Mike Tyson, Lady Gaga, Beethoven, Mozart, Leonardo da Vinci, the list goes on and on. You guys are probably wondering so? So what I'm trying to say is could it be that it was an impossibility for any of these people to NOT have succeeded? I mean really, honestly, look at these names. Could you see them, with their level of talent and success in any other way other than who they are known for today? Could you imagine Michael Jordan moping the floors of a school as a janitor? or Bill Gates working as a mechanic? Or Mozart as a brick layer? OF COURSE NOT!

 

Basically these people were destined to be who they were or are because the world needed them to be. Their talents were meant to be shared to the billions around the world for their own life journey and/or their service to mankind. They have had or have a true purpose. It wasn't because they just worked hard and made it for that reason alone. It was because they worked hard and had specific events happen at just the right timing that propelled their life to who they're known for today. This is NOT just the act of pure hard work. It's the divine putting them exactly where they needed to be to serve their purpose they were brought here to do.

 

Now, of course these are the top echelon of people with power and influence from past and present, not something relatable to us normal folks. So lets talk about the average person. Lets take my cousin for example. My cousin has his own construction company and very successful at that. He started out first working for a company in his mid to late twenties as a low-level superintendent. He wasn't given the big jobs because he wasn't experienced enough to handle those contracts but needless to say he was doing okay for himself. At the time I believe he was getting somewhere between 20$ to 30$ an hour and this was back in the late nineties, early 2000s. Having felt he was capable of more he had a vision to venture off on his own and built his own construction business. Now, typically the hardest part of starting a business is getting clients. This is something I'm really struggling with now. But my cousin somehow, through coincidence, ran into a friend who worked for a tile shop. His friend started feeding my cousin clients left and right. My cousin barely had to work to get the clients. He didn't even do the manual labor, he somehow knew of a couple of crews who where willing and waiting to work for him. All he had to handle was the business relationships and worker management. Yes, he still had to prove to his clients he was capable of good work but to get your foot in the door like that was a huge, HUGE advantage. My cousin said it was because of his friend he was able to launch his business so quickly and successfully in a relatively short time and land those high tier clients which eventually developed into long-lasting relationships. My cousin makes well over 40k to 50k per month now.

 

My own friend. He started a plumbing business around 7 to 8 years ago, which by the way he knows absolutely nothing about. In fact he's terrible with his hands. He too was a troubled kid. He used his brother and cousin's years of plumbing expertise and partnered with them and started their own plumbing company. My friend's sole purpose was to get the clients which he paid money through advertising, mostly through Yelp and paid for the equipment. And over the years he slowly developed his company to the success it is today. He's got 5 vans and making hand over fist and very successful. But he would've in NO WAY made it if it wasn't for his brother and cousin.

 

Folks, basically, the reason why I'm saying this is not just because of envy or jealousy, sure I do have it, I'm not gonna lie. But I can't help but to think how amazing it was that their destiny somehow placed them in situations that just worked in their favor and more importantly they didn't do it alone. Yes, nothing is just that easy. There are many troubles and challenges along the way they faced, of course, but the blueprint was there laid out by the divine.

 

Now lets take me on the other hand. On top of me being this jealous, bitter, resentful, rage-filled person I can't get any help edgewise from the divine. It's like everything I'm having to do is completely on my own. I pray and pray to God please help me. I need help. I can't do this on my own. And nothing. I'm at an age in my life now where I have so little patience left that every little thing that happens to me that isn't aligned with my desire I literally snap. I have so much hostility and anger built up that I just can hold it in anymore. And believe me, I don't want it. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be jealous. I especially don't want to be angry anymore. I'm almost 50 for crying out loud. I've broken countless things of value because I'm so angry at myself for having made all the wrong choices. I know I can't change the past and what's happened, happened. Nothing I can do about changing the past but hot dam am I struggling now to make it right. I can't seem to calm down and relax and take a deep breath. I keep doing things that I know on the surface is hurting me and yet I do it anyway. It's like it's too much for me to handle. I'm literally watching my own car crash.

 

Then I think back to the time when I saw the light. I say to myself "What the hell was that for? What did that mean? Why can't that light show up again and talk to me and show me the way? Was that light even real?" And the thing is no matter how much I try to deny it I think back to how it made me feel when I was in the presence of the light, that alone makes me want to cry because, yes, it was real. So why? Why is my life full of strife when all I want to do is good and be happy and yet others around me with the same goals succeed with not much resistance?

 

Then 3 1/2 years ago, dam, can't believe how fast time flew, but after I broke up with my toxic ex-girlfriend, oh, my, God. My life literally flipped upside down, inside out, up ways and sideways. I never, ever regretted such a decision to breakup in my life. I have literally not been the same since. Yes, things didn't work out but at least she was someone in my life that accepted me for who I was. It's just I was so insecure that it bled into our relationship. I kept fearing I was going to lose her. Then I started to ignore her and treating her poorly. It was just terrible all around. And no, she wasn't no angel. She had plenty of troubles herself. Most of which affected me but still I loved her and I'm sure had I been more confident and stable, mostly financially, I could've been stronger to handle the relationship. Needless to say I've never been normal since I lost her, unfortunately. There has not been a day that's gone by that I haven't thought of her. Sometimes I even obsessively start thinking about her and it literally drives me insane. It's the worst feeling knowing someone you love will never be in your life again. It's like I just want to die. I loved her so much. I know she was toxic but I pray to God always to bring her back to me even though deep down I know it'll never, ever happen.

 

In closing I would like to extend my apologies to those who made it this far and are frustrated as hell. I'm sure by now you're ready to just pounce on me in every which way possible but please understand in the deep of it I'm a good person who really wants to do good things for others. I try to help people almost to a fault. Yes, I sin, I do things that I shouldn't be doing and say things I shouldn't be saying. I am envious of others but try my best not to be but I just can't help it sometimes because it's just a reminder of how I've not been able to achieve my own greatest potential. I'm just sick of being fearful and insecure. But believe me when I say this deep down if an Apocalypse were to happen you would want me on your side. And no, I don't want handouts because I believe you need to work for your keep but wouldn't mind a little bit of divine intervention. It would be nice.

 

Thank you. You are extremely brave to have made it this far:)

Edited September 6, 2019 by UniverseInMe

[d0nnivain]

God helps those who help themselves.

 

Yes prayer will give you strength but whatever it is you want to change -- your relationship status, your anger issues, etc. you have to take the steps to improve. When you do that & have a positive attitude things will improve. Sitting around hoping for a light, divine intervention or some other OBE will leave you stuck right where you are.

 

Best wishes.

[mark clemson]

There are, I believe, bona fide gnostic experiences and it sounds like you're one of many people who had one. That's very positive and I'm glad it helped play a part in you overcoming the issues from your childhood.

 

There is a saying, Before enlightenment: chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment: chop wood, carry water. I think this is where you are in life.

 

Hopefully your moment to shine, or at least improve your situation, will come. I don't think there are guarantees, but there is no real reason to expect that it can't or won't come as well.

[UniverseInMe]

There are, I believe, bona fide gnostic experiences and it sounds like you're one of many people who had one. That's very positive and I'm glad it helped play a part in you overcoming the issues from your childhood.

 

There is a saying, Before enlightenment: chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment: chop wood, carry water. I think this is where you are in life.

 

Hopefully your moment to shine, or at least improve your situation, will come. I don't think there are guarantees, but there is no real reason to expect that it can't or won't come as well.

 

Hi Mark, but that's the thing, I haven't overcome my issues from childhood. At least I don't believe I have because it's still affecting me to this day. Hence why I've written this thread. Let me give you an example. This same friend I mentioned in my earlier post who owns the plumbing company? Well, his life was a complete and utter disaster after his father left him, his younger brother, sister and mother. He spiraled completely out of control. He was fighting left and right with other kids during school and after school. Getting into trouble with the law. Fighting with his mother. His rage was Hulk status. His rage level was a hair trigger away away from snapping. He was well known for this in school and no one messed with him because they knew he was a gun ready to go off.

 

But, where he excelled was in sports. The guy was an absolute beast. Every sport he played he excelled fully. Football, basket, soccer, hockey. The guy was amazing. The guy could've been pro had he been more focused and normal, but he wasn't so all that eventually went to waste. Yes, his father left him with a huge hole in his heart but his father was also the sole reason he became such a competitive athlete. His dad groomed him from a very young age to excel in sports. Like for example his father would tell him when he was just a kid playing in a soccer match and I'm gonna paraphrase here "Son, if you don't score at least 3 goals, no Burger King for you." And boy did my friend love Burger King, he said, lol. So what did my friend do? He would score 4 or 5 goals instead. And that's just one example.

 

So what I'm trying to say is from a very young age his dad planted a seed within him which will later blossom into a huge Oak tree, and this is how...

 

After he was expelled from high school my friend started working odd jobs. After a few years he started focusing on making money. Pretty much every job he landed he was quickly displaying leadership qualities which gave his bosses the confidence to promote him above all else. Pretty much every job he landed in his late twenties and early thirties he was becoming a leader. The reason why was because of what his father planted in him from a very young age to always excel and be the best you can be. He was always confident and dominating in his work. A total alpha. He wasn't the most skilled but his presence was of leadership energy and he owned it. All his confidence he gained from being a star athlete bled into his careers which earned him enough money to save and buy his first triplex house. Eventually that triplex house was enough where he was able to invest a lot of his profits into his now plumbing business which is booming.

 

You see, from a very young age this kid was being primed and groomed for his adult future, thanks to his father. He has confidence and a "never quit" attitude. Now me on the other hand I was the complete opposite. My father instilled nothing positive in me. Literally, nothing. If anything I was always scared, insecure and fearful. It was like walking around egg shells when my father was around. He never, ever even contemplated putting me into any sports even though I so wanted to be or instill positive reinforcement. It was all just negative talk or no talk at all and on top of it if I did anything wrong, abuse. I always felt like I was worthless.

 

Now, I know I'm sounding like a cry baby and complaining and moaning about how others have it and I don't, "whaaa, whaaa." but just please understand I've kept all this in until now and now I'm 44 and not in a good place so I'm totally scared, confused and questioning who I was and am so it's not like I've been a complainer like this all my life. In fact up until just a few years ago I used to always be happy for other people's success. Even as a kid I didn't have much. I never had nice toys. I always had hand-me-downs from toys to clothes. Hell, I used to go to school with holes in my shoes but even then when I would see others with nice stuff I was always happy for them. I never, ever remember being jealous. But as-of late, that hasn't been the case, sadly. And I know what many of you are thinking; "just do something about it." And trust me, I am! But alls I'm saying is that it's just very, very hard for me because those negative qualities that were pretty much ingrained in me from childhood are still present, no matter how much positive talk I repeat to myself. It's just there. I wish I can delete those files and replace them with positive files but that's virtually impossible with my level of skill. I know I've read somewhere that it is possible in meditation but I just don't have the patience for meditation. And even if I did mediate it would take a long, long time before I can start reaping the benefits so that's sorta out of the question.

 

But hey, your post was really positive and constructive. I appreciated it very much. You're incredibly awesome. Thank you!

[mark clemson]

I'm going to guess you are in ongoing IC for your issues? I'd love to offer tons of practical suggestions, but I have few other than to continue working on yourself both internally and externally/materially and make as much progress as you can. Hopefully your circumstances will change and/or opportunities you can take will arrive at some point.

[UniverseInMe]

I'm going to guess you are in ongoing IC for your issues? I'd love to offer tons of practical suggestions, but I have few other than to continue working on yourself both internally and externally/materially and make as much progress as you can. Hopefully your circumstances will change and/or opportunities you can take will arrive at some point.

 

What is IC? And what are your suggestions? Thanks again!

[mark clemson]

IC is individual counseling.

 

I didn't have suggestions, but now I realize I do:

 

1) Consider seeing if you can get a "Life Coach". This is an unlicensed "profession" but possibly someone to talk to directly and give details of your material situation may have some outside the box ideas for you. Be cautious as they are unlicensed. Also, since you don't have lots of money, suggest explaining that and seeing if they will work at a reduced rate or possibly pro bono.

 

2) Consider if some of the ideas in this thread make sense to supplement your income:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/water-cooler/684295-posting-case-some-may-find-way-useful