Should I have said something?

[SomeDude007]

Not sure if this is the right sub-forum.

 

My family member divulged to me of an affair he had/was having a few months back. He was in a really rough spot, and I think looking for an escape. Idk. He was extremely distraught, and felt like I was the only person he could talk to. Basically really trusted me. Besides the one time he told me, he never mentioned it again. I didn't ask either. We are close, and I know that he would have viewed it as an absolute betrayal if I told anyone.

 

It has now all blown up, with all parties involved aware, including my family. I have been getting questions of "did/do you know?" but have only let on that I knew something was wrong, but not specifics.

 

Now I am left wondering if I should have said something. On one hand, I would have betrayed this person, someone who I really looked up to as a child growing up. On the other, maybe something could have been done earlier. And his wife deserved to know. I don't know what to think.

 

Should I have told someone?

[Maddie82]

No, it wasn't your place to say anything. If you had, you would probably have gotten allot of heat from everyone involved. Much more so than there is now. You shouldn't have to take allot of grief for something that someone else has done.

[schlumpy]

This is a learning experience for you. Your friend put you in a very bad spot and tested your loyalties just so he could unload his guilt.

 

At this point it will do no good to reveal you knew everything. It will just make you look complicit and complicate your relationships with other injured parties now and in the future.

 

The time to act was the moment he told you but that has passed. Take this as an opportunity to understand what you would want to do if it ever happens again. Examine the aftermath and compare what happened to what would have happened had you informed. It actually may not have ended any better or worse.

 

The only difference may be how you feel about your own integrity.

[beldar]

Sadly, you acted badly by not being honest with all parties involved.

 

 

By keeping his dirty secret you became an accomplice in his sin. You CHOSE to do this. You allowed things to get worse, to let the damage grow. You could have been a grownup and persuaded him to see the error of his ways, but no. You didn't. You ENABLED his poor behaviour instead of helping him to fix things.

 

 

Now the poop has hit the ventilator and is getting all over everything.

 

 

Are you proud?

 

 

Time to be honest, with everyone.

 

 

Or continue to take the cowards way.

[beatcuff]

...all parties involved aware, including my family. I have been getting questions of "did/do you know?"...

 

Should I have told someone?

no, right now everyone is 'gossiping': did you know? when did you? what are the details? all irrelevant and not helpful to the situation... last week i was golfing with the usual group and one said 'hey did you X [couple] is in trouble'. i replied ' i have enough issues with my life so i am not to getting involved in another'. it was dropped. you should do the same.

 

My family member divulged to me of an affair he had/was having a few months back.

unlike the other posters that appear to think an action trumps family... if they D you will never see the other side again, but your family member is for life. you did the right thing. you were a confidant. a sounding board. a trusted person (to that family member) you should take that conversation to your grave.

[elaine567]

I don't think you should have told, but you should have urged him to come clean.

Had you done so, whether he took your advice or not was up to him, but your conscience may be clearer now.

[d0nnivain]

Should I have told someone?

 

Blood is thicker then water. You are not a gossip. That is a good thing. Your family member put you in a bad spot but it wasn't your secret to tell.

 

If somebody challenges you simply reply that you don't spread gossip & shut the conversation down.

[Veronica73]

No. I think you did the right thing. It isn’t your job to get involved in other people’s affairs.

[SomeDude007]

Thank you everyone for your perspectives.

 

For clarity, this person is my older brother. At the time he told me I urged him to get counseling and figure himself out, and what his path going forward was going to be. I didn't want to push too hard, however, because he clearly needed someone to talk to, and I know that he would shut down if I did. He's a really stubborn person, and he was very depressed and potentially suicidal at the time so I didn't want to take away the one person he felt like he could talk to.

 

While I wouldn't say that I am "complicit in this sin" as others have suggested (these were his actions, not mine), I do think part of my silence was cowardice. I'm the farthest removed from the family, meaning that I'm the only one who moved away and am not in daily physical contact with everyone, so I've become something of a sounding board for my family to call and gossip, tell their problems, etc. about one another. This gives me anxiety, to the point that every time someone calls I immediately think "Oh god what happened now?". It can be exhausting sometimes, so I think part of me just wanted to stick my head in the sand. That is selfish, I know. And not the kind of person I would want to be.

 

As for what would have happened if I told, I've learned over the last day that apparently this hasn't been the first, nor the last, time he has cheated, part of which my sister in law has already been aware of, so I don't think my saying anything would have changed anything other than having all of these events happen a few months sooner. But idk, maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part.

 

I just really wish that this all never happened. My sister in law is so heartbroken, and it's tearing my family up. It's changed the way I view my brother, who I idolized as a kid. As much as he messed up, and I feel for my sister in law... he's still my brother.

[SomeDude007]

Why would they be asking you that? Did you encourage him to get honest?

 

It wasn’t yours to tell. Why aren’t they holding him accountable for his actions?

 

They are very much holding him accountable. Sorry if it came off this way, but no one is blaming me or anything like that. They're just asking because apparently he keeps lying about different things, and so they come to me to see if I know the whole truth (which I don't; I'm finding things out just as they are). So when they ask "did you know anything?" I don't know what to say, and feel very guilty.

[d0nnivain]

As much as he messed up, and I feel for my sister in law... he's still my brother.

 

 

Exactly.

 

He screwed up. You didn't.

[Mr. Lucky]

 

I just really wish that this all never happened. My sister in law is so heartbroken, and it's tearing my family up.

 

I'm sure she is, but you're not the one who broke her heart. By acting as your brother's "conscience", you're contributing what you can long-distance. Continue to be there for him and keep trying to help him stay on track and moving in the right direction...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

If you had told, chances are it would have divided the family and then she might have stayed with him anyway and both of them be mad at you.

 

You did all you could do and saying you noticed something off or however you put it but leaving it vague is best.

[preraph]

Also, what if you had told at the time he was feeling down and vulnerable and possibly suicidal, and she'd packed her bags and he'd killed himself? No one can be mad at you for considering the timing and his vulnerability, should it ever come out because he tells someone.

[spiritedaway2003]

You have no reason to feel guilty.

 

Your silence is not cowardice. You need not involve yourself in the gossips or drama. Your brother got into himself into situation, and he is responsible for the consequences.

 

You're not responsible for his actions. You need not to feel guilty about your prior knowledge or not. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

What you are is that you're being a compassionate person -- trying to listen to someone who was in distress, who just happened to be your brother.

 

I have been in your brother's shoes as the OW (it's a dark place to be in), and so did my xMM. Some people believe that the MM/MW or the AP don't deserve any compassion, and deserve everything coming to them. People need not worry of that - the consequences will always come. It doesn't mean that they aren't hurting in their own ways and are in need of help too.

 

Understand that these are two separate things: Being there for someone does not mean that you condone his/her actions.

Thank you for being there for him during what was likely a dark time for him.

 

It also doesn't mean that you care any less about the hurt for your sister in law. However, that is something they need to sort out in their relationship. I doubt that your brother will come to you to talk more about it.

 

If he does and you can stomach in guiding him, do so (not everyone is equipped to handle these kinds of conversations). Better yet, guide him to get professional help. An experienced one have come across all sorts of difficult situations and can guide him in a more objective and supportive way.

Edited September 7, 2019 by spiritedaway2003