Lonely, empty, and bored in my new marriage

[seekingcontentment]

I am a 30 year old female who has been married to my husband (32/male) for a little less than a year now. We don't have any kids, but eventually I do want to have some. I felt something was missing prior to us getting married, but I just swept it under the rug as cold feet. Now that we've been married for a year, I feel lonely, empty, and bored. I feel such an emptiness in our relationship. It's like I can't relate to my husband. There's no abuse or infidelity. On the outside looking in, things seem perfectly fine. Honestly, it would be easier to describe my feelings if he were a horrible, abusive, neglectful partner, but he's not. There just doesn't seem to be much connection between us. We don't laugh or joke together, we don't have similar hobbies, we hardly even talk. One of us could go away for business and we could not speak to each other for days and I won't miss him at all. Sometimes when we're together, I even forget he's in the room because we never talk. All he ever wants to do is watch sports and play video games. If I try to talk over his sports, he'll just shush me and dismiss me. The few times we do try to talk, we don't seem to have much in common anymore. I was only 17 when we met and he's been all I've ever known. The relationship was never amazing, but it was never horrible either. I stayed because I was comfortable and like I said, I didn't know anything else but him. But I've grown a lot in the past 13 years, and now I can't help but to wonder if there might be something better out there. We are both in our early 30s, which is still relatively young. I could possibly live another 50+ years. The thought of living the rest of my life like this makes me want to hyperventilate. I have no idea what to do. I can't even adequately describe what exactly is wrong in the marriage, but something just doesn't feel right. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? How did things turn out for you? Thanks for reading.

[preraph]

Wow. Can't believe you didn't get bored before now. Sounds like he isn't interested in you as a person and vice versa. Well, young people do change when they mature, so that's a common enough event. I think if you're going to get out, you ought to do it. If kids are a must have, you may have trouble finding the right person real soon, you know. So think about all that. I mean, you have a few years, but there are no guarantees. It's a must to have them for some people and not at all for others.

 

If you end up staying, you'll need to create a fun life for yourself, which once you have kids, may be impossible (but maybe you'll find them entertaining enough). But meanwhile, you need to have friends and hobbies and just not be around being bored all the time.

 

If you leave, you really need to live by yourself and support yourself for a year or two so you can really find out who you are when not being influenced by parents or husband or anyone else. It's a giant leap in self-development to be on your own and everyone needs to do it before they pick a partner, in my opinion.

[FMW]

A successful marriage is built on a strong foundation. It doesn't sound like you have much of a foundation at all, so it's going to be really difficult to make things better.

 

It sounds like you both made a mistake in marrying, unfortunately it happens. Don't compound it by stringing it out and losing valuable time you could both be using to build new lives.

 

Try talking things out directly or try counseling if you have doubts about ending the marriage. But don't waste any more time just waiting for something to change.

[BTDT2012]

Why did you marry him?

[Mr. Lucky]

Why did you marry him?

 

Especially after 12 years? Not sure "cold feet" describes hesitation committing to someone you've known - warts and all - for a dozen years.

 

This really isn't even about him, I'd guess he's always been this way.

 

Not sure if you've considered counseling, but it might give you some clarity about the steps leading to this point and avoiding the same mistakes going forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[seekingcontentment]

Why did you marry him?

 

I was comfortable in the relationship. I thought all long term relationships became boring and stale after a while. I had no idea what I could be missing out on because he was my first boyfriend and I never experienced anything else. I thought we were normal. Nothing ever went wrong. No infidelity whatsoever as far as I know. No abuse. He was always just a nice guy. So when he asked me to marry him, I figured it would be a good thing. But we didn't ever live together before this. When we were just dating, he put slightly more effort in. Now it feels like I'm living with a room mate.

[preraph]

Sounds like he's just become a couch potato. If you could get him to, say, go out and do something with you once a week, would it make any difference? Because maybe you need to tell him that's what it's going to take. And also, how much help is he going to be with the kids if he's this big of a couch potato. Ask him if he intends to help you and watch them and help out around the house and take them places when they need to go and go to the store for you, or if he just intends to hide and watch tv and videogames. Find out what he intends. He may be hopeless. You don't need to have kids with a guy who's not going to participate.

[Foxhall]

Follow your heart on this,there are no kids involved so it is easier to get away,

 

chances are, there is a more suitable guy out there who you will be happier with or indeed you may become happier by exploring yourself for a while,

 

 

 

do not be afraid to take the radical leap and go your separate ways. you need to nurture your soul not wallow away in boredom.

[Veronica73]

I don’t know. Maybe see a therapist to talk about things? I mean...you seemingly were happy enough with him for a quite awhile before this. Seems like something else might be going on. Has something else changed?

[Veronica73]

Also, the first year of marriage can be really hard. Especially if you hadn’t lived together before. It’s a big change. Maybe couples counseling? To me, this doesn’t seem like a lost cause. But it might be something you both need to work on and maybe get some help.

[mark clemson]

You should expect that your needs be met to a reasonable extent in a marriage. Agree with several above - attempt to work on this with him. If that doesn't pan out you'll need to consider whether you to stay together or not.

 

Perhaps part of what's missing, in addition to attention/affection, is a joint social life?

 

How is the intimacy going? Men can feel rejected if that department is neglected. (Of course, you may not feel much like that either if you feel neglected emotionally.)

 

Gaming addiction is a thing in case that's an issue here. Not sure about sports but I think for some the interest level can approach addiction. Sounds like being "hooked" on that stuff is at least part of the issue here.

[treehugger12]

My husband has a huge gaming addiction and will spend hours and hours playing. Been together 30 years, has had a gaming addiction for over 4 years, I’m a big communicator and do not hold things in so I’ve had hundreds of conversations with him on this subject, he cuts back for a day or two, then back at it, nothing changes. So with over 4 years of this, we have completely drifted apart, I do not feel like there is a connection with us anymore. This is not what I signed up for when we got married. Had I known that 30 years later, I’d be neglected, ignored and in a lonely marriage I would have never married him. I’m 50 now, I don’t see growing old with him. Working on myself and my future now. I would recommend really talking to him, maybe counseling, if he doesn’t want to put the effort into the marriage and to make you happy then I would recommend getting out of the marriage before you end up like me at 50 years old living with a teenager who just wants to waste time playing video games all the time. You have your whole life ahead of you to find someone that wants to love you and make you happy.

[d0nnivain]

So what are you doing to change things?

 

If you are bored, plan something for the two of you to do together. Have dates. Go places. Explore your town & the surrounding areas. If you have the money go farther afield. You are part of this marriage too & if some part of it isn't working, you have the obligation to fix it.

 

If you feel lonely, speak up. Tell your husband how you feel. Ask him to work with you to over come this & to feel more connected to him. You best have some idea what that looks like /means to you. You can't expect him to figure it out.

 

Meanwhile develop your own hobbies. I like myself better & therefore am a better partner when I am interesting. I joined a book club & I spend time with my friends so that when I am back with DH I did things, I learned things, I have something to talk about to pique & hold his interests.

[schlumpy]

I don’t know. Maybe see a therapist to talk about things? I mean...you seemingly were happy enough with him for a quite awhile before this. Seems like something else might be going on. Has something else changed?

 

Maybe an "outside" influence? I think we may be rafting down the same river. Hang on! White water ahead!

[Happy Lemming]

Maybe your husband is just one of those people that shouldn't marry??

 

He is happy and content in his own little world and you are an afterthought. If you are in his world, he is OK and if you are not, he is still OK.

 

In my youth, I do remember dating a woman that would get aggravated with me for watching football all day on Sundays. One day, we were watching an NFL game together, and I guess she got bored. She went into an adjoining room, stripped down to her "birthday suit" and walked in front of the TV. I, definitely got the hint, turned off the TV and had some fun that afternoon.

 

Maybe try to steer his interests away from watching sports or gaming??

[seekingcontentment]

Maybe an "outside" influence? I think we may be rafting down the same river. Hang on! White water ahead!

 

Shortly after getting married, we had to relocate for his job. Seeing as how he always made a lot more money than me, I had to quit my job and leave my family behind. Now I feel like all I have is him and the more time I spend around him, the more I realize he doesn’t satisfy me. When I speak, he hardly even interacts with me. I’ll suggest things to do, but he never wants to because there’s always some game on tv that he needs to watch or he just doesn’t want to spend the money/time/resources to go out. Reasonable enough, but I still don’t feel happy or fulfilled in the marriage. I haven’t met another man if that’s what you’re implying and as far as I know, there’s never been another woman in the picture either. When we were just dating he definitely put in more effort, but now it just seems like we’re growing into different people

[Mr. Lucky]

but now it just seems like we’re growing into different people

 

Well, you've identified the problem, now what are you prepared to do about it?

 

Does he know how you feel? Have you suggested MC to him? Have you thought about IC for yourself?

 

You seem like a passenger as this whole thing rolls forward. Time to take the wheel...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

Shortly after getting married, we had to relocate for his job. Seeing as how he always made a lot more money than me, I had to quit my job and leave my family behind. Now I feel like all I have is him and the more time I spend around him, the more I realize he doesn’t satisfy me. When I speak, he hardly even interacts with me. I’ll suggest things to do, but he never wants to because there’s always some game on tv that he needs to watch or he just doesn’t want to spend the money/time/resources to go out. Reasonable enough, but I still don’t feel happy or fulfilled in the marriage. I haven’t met another man if that’s what you’re implying and as far as I know, there’s never been another woman in the picture either. When we were just dating he definitely put in more effort, but now it just seems like we’re growing into different people

 

It's time for a heart to heart. You tell him I moved for you & gave up my job. You are the only person I know here. It's unfair & selfish of you to not go out & do things with me. I am so upset that I am wondering if we should divorce because I feel like we have grown into different people & you care more about some sports on TV then me. Work with me to fix this.

 

See what he does when he is told the stakes are so high.

 

Meanwhile are you looking for work? What have you done to make new friends? Can you volunteer somewhere to fill your days?

[schlumpy]

I haven’t met another man if that’s what you’re implying and as far as I know, there’s never been another woman in the picture either. When we were just dating he definitely put in more effort, but now it just seems like we’re growing into different people

 

Yes, I was implying that as a possibility but not a certainty. There are other things like single girl friends who tell you stories of the great times they are having in their dating life. You may have other friends online or that live nearby, neighbors, relatives or co-workers who sympathize when you tell them about how badly your husband treats you and the say that you deserve better.

 

You may have a secret distant crush on someone you see or know.

 

Outside influences can include many things that don't include seeing another person but you state that there is none and I will take you at your word.

 

Have you considered joining your husband in his game world or choosing a game world you both can participate in? My wife participated as a second player in several console games. Baldur's Gate comes to mind. She still talks about it sometimes. Minecraft is a current online game that offers many activities to interest most people.

 

Not a gamer?

 

Have a marriage summit where you put a list of demands in front of your husband as to what you want out of your marriage. If he blows it off, at least he can't say he wasn't warned when the process server shows up.

[Blanco]

Maybe I'm just cynical but I think that her only being 30 and there being no kids, this relationship is not worth saving. Staying with someone out of comfort isn't exactly a recipe for a fulfilling, healthy partnership.

 

I suppose you could try to work on these things with him, but it just sounds like you two are very different people who are together mostly because you got together when you were young and things were never bad enough to warrant ending it.

 

But one thing I've learned is that a relationship shouldn't necessarily continue just because it's not terrible.

 

I could easily see you becoming more dissatisfied with the relationship as the years roll on and things remain mostly the same. You'll start to feel contempt for him, as you realize that you've never really known what a truly fulfilling romantic relationship was like. And by then, it might be too late to start over if having a family of your own is something you want.

[d0nnivain]

Maybe I'm just cynical but I think that her only being 30 and there being no kids, this relationship is not worth saving.

 

If they were only dating I'd agree with you. But they are married. They took vows. That has to mean something, even if it means you try before throwing in the towel only a few months.

[mark clemson]

Two things -

 

1) Be sure you can support yourself adequately before you even mention the D word (divorce) as even crossing your mind. You never know how someone will react and you don't want to be left on your own with little support. IF you end up in a place where you're seriously thinking about it, be aware that you can consult with many family attorneys for free for a half hour. You can do a few different ones to scope them out and get all your questions answered.

 

2) Very much suggest you resist any temptation to have an affair. These are "garden path solutions" that look like compromises between leaving and having your needs met. However, they often cause very significant problems. There are a lot of threads in the OW and Infidelity sections if you care to read them and the vast majority express trauma and regret.

[Blanco]

If they were only dating I'd agree with you. But they are married. They took vows. That has to mean something, even if it means you try before throwing in the towel only a few months.

 

But it doesn't sound like this is really a new feeling for the OP. It's gotten worse following the move and wedding, but it sounds like deep down, she knew before she got married that this was not the guy or relationship for her.

 

Honoring your vows is one thing. Trying to do so in the face of the reality that she married the wrong person is another. If she were in her mid-20s, I might say, yeah, give it a shot; try counselling, and see if you two can come out of this stronger. I don't know if the OP should be giving up more prime years to what sounds like a sunk cost.

 

30 is not old, but let's say she invests another year into this via counselling. Assume it ultimately does nothing because they really are just two different people. A divorce, time to heal/grow, and then likely having to date a few people to find someone she wants to build a life with; you're probably looking at several years. All in, she could find herself in her mid-30s by time she is able to start a family. Again, that's not old, but it's really starting to push it.

 

I'm all in favor of trying to salvage and rebuild a serious relationship. It's just I don't see a lot her to suggest that they got married for reasons outside of comfort and having been together through their young adulthood.

[schlumpy]

30 is not old, but let's say she invests another year into this via counselling. Assume it ultimately does nothing because they really are just two different people. A divorce, time to heal/grow, and then likely having to date a few people to find someone she wants to build a life with; you're probably looking at several years. All in, she could find herself in her mid-30s by time she is able to start a family. Again, that's not old, but it's really starting to push it.

 

I accept your premise as possible but I need a better picture of her husbands behavior through all of these years that she was with him. Is he really as insensate as she presents him? How could he not notice that they were growing apart unless she was hiding it.

 

She hid her feelings for 12 years? That's a long time to keep a secret that is driving you towards divorce.

 

When I don't understand something it's likely that I don't have the correct information.

[aria789]

You need to try some kind of collaborative activity or hobby. If a married couple does not have any common activities, then over time it will be even harder.