Should I allow a threesome...I already suspect she slept with him

[bluefish99]

I totally suspect that my wfe has slept with my neighbor. I can list about 50 reasons why I think this and when I confront my wife with them all she can say is 'it didn't happen.' I might be able to believe this except flat out lying to me is one of my 50 reasons. Whether she has or hasn't doesn't really matter. What matters is I believe she has and she can't convince me otherwise so I am assuming it happened.

 

During the past year our 7-year marriage hit it's lowest point ever when my wife told me how unhappy she was. We tried a separation but that didn't go so well as we have kids involved and both wanted to be with them. At no point did we dislike each other - we are great friends - but have just changed during our marriage and have drifted away from each other. Anyway, at some point my wife tells me how much she would like a threesome - her and two guys. So, one drunken night it was arranged with our single neighbor. The one rule I had was 'no penatration.' Everything else was fair play and took place. Thinking back on that it doesn't bother me that it happened. It was just something to do - there were no emotions involved. It was trying something new and something my wife wanted. Anyway, I suspect that while I was out of town she and the neighbor finished what was started.

 

Assume they did...the 'sex' part doesn't bother me as much as I am bothered by the fact they now have this 'little secret.' Their interactions today have 'let's just act like nothing happened' written all over them. I feel like a complete sucker when I think that those two are trying to pull one over on me. I have pushed my wife to the limit trying to get her to confess, but she hasn't and I don't think she ever will. It was a one-night thing, alcohol certainly involved, and based on how we are working on our marriage today, isn't probably something she will do again. So we are 'trying to move forward' with our relationship and making things better but I keep going back to what I think happened with her and the neighbor. So what if I eliminated their secret? What if all three of us had the same secret? What if I allowed another threesome and allowed the sex? I reallized how screwed up this is, but it's the only thing I can think of that would help me move on. I would do this for 2 other reasons...1) it would fulfill my wife's fantasy of 'being' with two guys and 2) she would owe me big time and I might get that threesome I want...two girls. I think if we could get this all out of system we'd be able to move on. Any thoughts??

[lynnered]

from what ive read about 3somes ,U should only do it in a non-serious relationship,because it causes lots of problems .

"The one rule I had was 'no penatration.' Everything else was fair play and took place."

so did it happen i wasnt sure?

 

"I think if we could get this all out of system we'd be able to move on"

i doubt that would happen,u have started something that U may not be able to stop.

But its Ur marriage Ur life do what U think is best ,i myself have never had urge for 3some .

[933KJL]

I think you are tweaked and either need to seek marraige counseling or a divorce. It is eating you up that your wife MAY have slept with a guy, so in order to alleviate that pain, you are going to set up a situation where she WILL sleep with him?

 

You two have kids, so grow up and put their needs first. They need a loving home and they can tell if it is not loving no matter how hard you try to hide it. They know. And if they cannot have a supportive environment, you need to divorce. Two happy single homes are much better than a single unhappy one.

[Cecelius]

I don't get it -- it's somehow okay in your eyes for her to have sex with another man if you are there, but it eats you up if you suspect she cheated on you, because of the secret?

 

WHat if you have a 3 some and then you suspect that the secret she's keeping is that the other guy was much better at sex than you?

 

I'm trying not to let my own views cloud things (a girl who's been with two guys at the same time is simply undatable: she's one camera short of being a porno actress) but it seems like more facts that add to your worry that she is keeping secrets will not help things.

[bluefish99]

I think you are tweaked and either need to seek marraige counseling or a divorce. It is eating you up that your wife MAY have slept with a guy, so in order to alleviate that pain, you are going to set up a situation where she WILL sleep with him?

 

We've done the counseling, got it all out in the open and are now working on making our marriage stronger....and things are going much better except for this 'trust' issue I am having. Yeah, you hit the nail on the head...in order to get over this trust issue I am going to allow what I think happened to happen. If you can't beat them, join them. I absolutely realize how 'twisted' this thinking is but my wife will never confess and I can't convince myself that it didn't happen....too many 'little things' say she cheated. So how am I suppose to get over it if we are at a stalemate?

[Skeered]

I think this person is a troll...I have noticed lots of threads lately that are accounts just opened in this month and have 1 or 2 posts..and they are people that have these big lengthy posts about these weird issues...

 

Anyone else noticing this??

[bluefish99]

accounts just opened in this month and have 1 or 2 posts..and they are people that have these big lengthy posts about these weird issues...

 

Sorry I don't have 154 post but this 'weird issue' has just recently reached a boiling point for me so I thought I would open account and see what others might have to say about it....

 

I thought this was the appropriate forum for what I am dealing with...

"Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here."

[Skeered]

My apologies..no you are in the right place for this dicussion I have just recently seen several threads started on issues that are either very complex or detailed by people that have no posts. But knowing your not a troll if I can post my opinion...LOL

 

Me personally I think that if you feel it will ease your pain to let your wife sleep with this guy with you there I think the issues are pretty deep in your marriage. I think that you guys need to seek counseling or move apart. Don't stay together for the kids alone.

[933KJL]

It sounds like you will not accept her version of what happened or did not happen. As sad as it may seem, I think that for the sake of your sanity, the mental well being of your kids, you may be best off to agree to go your separate ways.

[Jayhawks]

I think you have to take the blame for this situation. You allowed the 3some in the first place and open up the door for more activities. You can't say, "you can do this but not that" when you agree to another person in the bedroom. If she would have allowed another women in your bed and told you you couldn't penetrate her, would you agree to her proposal? If you did and you enjoyed it and you had an opportunity to complete the act at a later date with her alone, would you do it and then tell you wife of your adventures?

You need to get over it if you want your marriage to last. Quit blaming her for something you allowed. You will just have to live it or divorce.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I agree you were crazy in the first place to allow this. Here is a thought since it is rightfully eating you up. How about arrainging to have your wife take a polygraph test. It will cost about $400. In most cases they are very accurate.

I am guessing if your wife agrees to it she is probably telling you the truth. If she is adamantly opposed then I think you may already have your answer. If she does not like this that have her go under hypnosis while you are in the room.

[bluefish99]

Thanks to you all for the feedback. While I certainly wasn't expecting much 'support' for what I was thinking of doing I was very surprised with how easily some of you think it is to just end the marriage. End the marriage based on what? My list of 50 reasons why I think she cheated? That is not something I want to do which is why I came up with this idea for a desparate act to what I thought could help save it.

 

After reading some of your posts I now realize that is a bad idea and I need to just get some additional counselling or just get over it; she will never admit to it as she has too much to lose. I am trying to move on from this by telling myself that everyone makes mistakes and deserves a 2nd chance. Marriages have peaks and valleys and we are in a valley (a deep valley) at the moment. We can get out of it.

 

My wife is not a bad person and we are not weird sex freaks like you might think. I should have probably gone into a little more detail about the year we have had the stress we have been under...moving 2000 miles from our families, moving for a new job that didn't work out, having to find another new job, I suffer from mild depression, trying to meet new friends in a new town, financial woes, etc., etc. It's been tough and people deal with stress and a lack of emotional support in different ways. I have no doubt we can get thru this one way or another. Thanks again for your input....