Introversion

[mortensorchid]

I have had a lot of people hurt me in my lifetime. Starting way back when I was in elementary school through junior high, through high school, college and on jobs since. Now it's been the same stuff as most people have encountered (mean girls stuff), nothing horrific like rape or attempted murder. These experiences, however, have left me beaten but I have risen up from it. As a result, I have become introverted and private. I am a blank slate with others, I mind my own business and stay very silent for fear of doing or saying something others take the wrong way or that others can and will use against me. Need an example? At my second job a woman returned from medical leave and the tension level went from zero to a thousand. After a staff meeting that erupted into a screaming, caddy fight between everyone in the department with her leading it, she approached me later that day in the cafeteria. She then asked me if I wanted to know what others say about me - (Name) says I am stupid. That was one of those cut you to the bone moments. I stay in my own little world because of it.

 

I guess my questions would be that if you have been in said situations with others, how does one make friends and acquaintance and lovers when you are introverted and private?

[preraph]

You're not introverted so much as withdrawn and defensive. Introverted people have no problems making friends if that's their whole issue. They just like more solitary pastimes.

 

I have to believe that if you are under attack consistently, that you are saying or doing something to make that possible. In this case, you said a lot of screaming was going on. I'm assuming you were involved in that one way or the other. You're participating.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I agree with preraph. You may be an introvert and private, but what you're describing is more of an inability to trust people because you've been hurt. So the way you handle it is by purposefully being aloof (sending a text that just says "evening") and assuming the worst/being pessimistic.

[FMW]

I agree, you may be introverted but you did not become that way because of experience. What you are describing is being withdrawn and distancing yourself from others. It sounds like you have built up a defensive wall around yourself. That makes it difficult for you to open yourself up enough to connect to others and develop friendships.

 

It sounds like you are highly sensitive and take everything to heart. I'm not sure how you go about it, but it would help to learn to take things in stride and let things roll off of your back a little more. Don't see everything as a personal attack. The world in general and people specifically can be a little rough at times and it mostly has nothing to do with you personally.

 

I can't remember if you have tried counseling for other things, but if so, maybe ask the counselor specifically what they suggest to stop internalizing all the negativity. We all encounter good and bad, the trick is to soak up the good and to learn what we need from the bad but then let it go and not let it paralyze us.

 

You seem very curious about things, which is a great first step. Next is learning to not let your natural automatic reaction be to step back/close down. Of course it's easy for us to tell you about the "what". Hopefully a trained counselor can help you with the "how".

[alphamale]

over time you can learn to become extroverted and public. I did. When I tell people that I am really a shy person they look at me like WTF??

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Well, I don't think you can change whether you're introverted or extroverted, but you can work at being more outgoing and optimistic. I'm definitely an introvert, but I'm not particularly shy. I'm an outgoing introvert. Being an introvert is mostly about how you feel about alone time and doesn't equate to a lack of a personality lol.

 

I feel like I've talked about this here before, but at the risk of repeating myself, I'll say it again. Many moons ago when my exH and I were going through pre-marital counseling we both did the long version of the Myers-Briggs personality test. I came out right on the line of introversion and extroversion and our pastor/counselor said, "You get to choose!" (not those exact words ) and basically said the way you can "tell" is how you prefer to handle things when you're upset - does being in the company of others make you feel better or do you prefer to be alone and work through it. Extroverts prefer the company of others and introverts prefer solitude.

[alphamale]

Extroverts prefer the company of others and introverts prefer solitude.

 

actually women prefer the company of others and men prefer solitude when upset

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

actually women prefer the company of others and men prefer solitude when upset

 

No. That's a stereotype.

[alphamale]

No. That's a stereotype.

 

I've never met a man who wants to be with other people when he is upset

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I've never met a man who wants to be with other people when he is upset

 

Even in a romantic relationship?

[nospam99]

On a 'quick' MB, I test as 63% I, which is lower than my S and J percentages. From a practical standpoint, I feel uncomfortable in large crowds like a packed sports stadium. But I enjoy parties like weddings and small (20+/-) groups like hikes. Although I'm male (alpha ) when I'm 'upset' I'd prefer to have a lover to hold and comfort me.

[alphamale]

Although I'm male (alpha ) when I'm 'upset' I'd prefer to have a lover to hold and comfort me.

 

what if your lover was the one to make you upset?

[preraph]

I think it's a mixed bag what men want when they're upset. What they don't want is to be around who upset them unless it's just to have sex. They seem perfectly fine with running to another woman though. I've been on both sides of that.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm somewhat guarded, I guess you could say, because I know I'm sensitive and particular by nature. By now I'm pretty good at figuring out if another person is also sensitive and kind. It's very unusual I have to deal with a mean person because I just don't let them near me. The people who are close to me are generally sweet and loving in general, not vindictive.

[spiderowl]

Why did the tension level rise when this woman returned to work? It would be helpful to know.

 

Ignore what she says. Anyone that walks up to another person and says such things is clearly a trouble-maker and bully. Whatever she said is not the truth about you, she is just trying to upset you.

 

It sounds a very difficult situation for you. Are there people at your workplace that you get on well with? Stick with them. There are obviously bullies in your workplace too. You might want to think about applying elsewhere because the workplace culture should not allow such people to even be there. A place that tolerates bullies is not a good company to work for.

 

You sound a very sensitive person. I can really empathise with that because I am the same. It is natural to want to withdraw from threats. That stupid woman does not have the intelligence to judge you so please do not take her comment to heart/ She is trying to affect your confidence because she sees you as a threat to her friendships there. In that respect, she is telling you (indirectly) that you could have good friends there and that's why she is trying to get in the way of this. Try to make an effort with the nicer people there. It is also important to show people if you like them. This is something I often fail to do myself but it does make a difference to others when people feel you like them and are not avoiding them. I know it takes effort, which can be tiring for an introvert, but strategically developing friendships would be a good move.

[basil67]

What you are describing isn't introvertedness. Rather, it's a self defense mechanism.

 

You make friends by trusting that most people are good, but in also covering your bases with a strongly developed sense of resilience. Resilience is required to be able to deal with the rubbish which a minority of others will put on us over the years. It's about knowing that while you may feel troubled and a bit shaky for a while after someone has said or done something, you'll get over it and move on.

 

The place you're currently at with others - defensive, private and blank slate - will almost guarantee that you have few friends and no love life. What work have you done in therapy to develop your resilience required to be able to open yourself to risk?

[SumGuy]

I agree with preraph. You may be an introvert and private, but what you're describing is more of an inability to trust people because you've been hurt. So the way you handle it is by purposefully being aloof (sending a text that just says "evening") and assuming the worst/being pessimistic.

Agreed. Sounds like you have been traumatized, and it is not unreasonable at all that it has affected you this way (especially if the mean girl stuff was never ending in school). I'd seek someone who can counsel you on that.

 

 

Each of us responds in different ways to such events. It's hard not to lose trust in all humanity when you encounter too may bad apples.

[Foxhall]

Some people by nature are abrasive, they would go through you for a short cut so to speak,

 

Did I read before OP that you are a teacher, I have gone into that game in the last three years and the biggest challenge as a relatively introverted /sensitive type was dealing with criticism from the abrasive personality types.

 

Another poster, I think it was Outlaw, made a good point previously - "that we all have our critics"

 

the secret is to not be as sensitive to that and work on developing a thicker skin,

when you feel challenged think of the situations you are comfortable with and of the people who you know will support you and do not be as traumatised by whoever is criticising you,

you have this self doubt now which is causing you to hold back, to be timid really in the fear of not pleasing a person,

try to get out of this mindset because you will never please people anyway, so be your own person and do not be afraid to put your opinions out there, let yourself be heard.

[mortensorchid]

To answer a question or two from this thread (yes, noticed in another that I was not, as a poster said, answering additional questions when I should be to provide further information):

 

1) The office situation - I said that when this woman returned the tension level went from 0 to 100. Why, one of the posters asked? Quite honestly, I think the woman was mentally ill somehow. How someone could be so rotten to another person with the confrontation in the cafeteria with me later that day is beyond me. She obviously lived to start fights and verbally abuse others - when someone didn't have any material for her to take and use against them, she looked for things and reasons to make others angry. And, let's face it, she was evil.

 

2) Defensive - Someone said that I am not introverted, I put up my aloof / blank slate as a defense mechanism against others so that they will not take things and use them against me. Yes, I agree. Sometimes you have to have someone put things in perspective for you and say it another way, and this is the way it was said to me that made me see it as it should be.

 

So with that being said, if I have a defense up against others, what to do?

[basil67]

I answered that in post #16. It's about developing resilience. Are you working with a therapist who can help you with that?

[mark clemson]

I guess my questions would be that if you have been in said situations with others, how does one make friends and acquaintance and lovers when you are introverted and private?

 

 

I think others have given good feedback on your personal situation. Hope it's helpful to you. I'll address the above a bit. Per what others are saying, you may wish to wait a while on trying these things, until you're fully ready to "open your defenses" a bit.

 

On friends - consider finding someone you know as an acquaintance who seems trustworthy and otherwise acceptable to you. Take opportunities to engage them in a bit of small talk. Do this a few times. At some point ask them if they'd like to go have coffee or similar. Have coffee and conversation with them. Confide in them a bit (nothing too personal).

 

Boom - you have a friend. Hope I'm not stating what you already know, but as an adult it's different. Unlike when you were younger, most adults spend only limited time with friends due to jobs, kids, SO's, etc. So, being respectful of their time is important. If you are lucky enough to find one with lots of time for you - well, good for you! But don't expect that is likely.

 

You could actually take the same approach for a BF. Turn him into a friend, then start dropping hints that you want to take it further.

 

Another approach for BF (and remember I'm a guy so there are probably women who could give much better advice here):

 

 

- Dress well so you look pretty (at least a tad sexy as well)

- Find an available guy who seems like he probably won't hurt you (never guaranteed unfortunately)

- Start dropping hints that you find him attractive and he has a chance with you

- If he's "alpha-ish" and interested he'll start chatting you up a lot and ask you out (not necessarily in that order)

- If he's "beta-ish" or inexperienced or insecure with women (not the same things, BTW) you may need to do a lot more hinting and/or ask him on the date yourself

- Keep your expectations low; you never know what's going on with another person, he may think you're great but be in an LDR or have an STI or loyal to his ex, etc. etc. Who knows. So be prepared to have to go through at least a few guys to get to a good one. You might luck out on the first try, you never know. Thinking of it as a 15% chance of success on each try may be a good idea for realism.

[Mr.Me]

Extrovert or introvert?

 

An extrovert, after a long hard day of stress finds a big group of people to socialize with like a happy hour thing. That helps to recharge their batteries.

 

 

 

An introvert likely goes straight home and disappears into the favorite hobby, ignoring the rest the world. That helps them recharge their batteries.

 

 

 

 

 

I am an introvert, I preferr groups of a few, close people and my favorite hobby. Working in my shop, alone.

 

 

 

Extrovert and Introvert can and will be the opposite when they want to, it's just mentally and physically demanding and exhausting to be introverted and pretend to be extroverted.

 

 

 

I frequently am the center of attention in a large groups at work. I train on the use of sophisticated software and hardware and develop ways to integrate that into the small business's I'm working with. I have to be charming, likable, adaptable, patient, articulate and develop relationships with new people on the fly. I love it, it pays well, and I meet a lot of great people.

 

It's also mentally demanding and exhausting for me to be "on" all day.

 

On vacations, I prefer my shop time or avoiding people and activity at all costs. I once went on vacation for 7 days and the only person I talked to was the hotel room keeper and the front desk attendant. It was the most amazing vacation for me.

 

 

 

I feel like what you are by just your words is jaded, scared and distant.

 

There's nothing wrong with feeling that way at all. I think to overcome this you must get back out there and open yourself at least some to let the good people in the world fill you with peace and joy.