Financial & other differences

[HusbandFather77]

My two cents: Once you take on pets, they're your responsibility to care for. They don't cost that much.

 

I get what you are saying. I have and continue to take responsibility for the pets even though I really don't want the responsibility the decision was basically made for me and so now I have to deal with it. How much pets cost and if you consider that to be expensive is subjective. Given the current state of our finances I honestly feel they are expensive. Even without the pet insurance the basic costs for the pets feeding and cleaning up the waste is about $250 a month. As I said before I really don't want to even attempt re-homing the pets as an option because of the affect it would have on my daughter. On the pet issue I am satisfied with being able to reduce the costs from $550 a month down to $250. The pets are something I can deal with ...I don't expect that I will be 100% happy by any means. I am very willing to compromise on things but some of the issues I have already talked about have to change in order for the situation to be workable.

[BluEyeL]

I think you should get a divorce. The kid will be fine . BTW I didn’t even know what pet waste removal was. I pick up our doggies poop myself once a week.

 

Anyway, the problem is, the person who makes the money has the upper hand so she won’t listen to you. Better off divorced.

[HusbandFather77]

I think you should get a divorce. The kid will be fine . BTW I didn’t even know what pet waste removal was. I pick up our doggies poop myself once a week.

 

Anyway, the problem is, the person who makes the money has the upper hand so she won’t listen to you. Better off divorced.

 

You may be correct. I am committed to giving the MC a try at least. We will see where it goes from there. I know something has to change.

[Big Aus]

Wow did I just read this? So glad your behind a computer and that I dont have to deal with you in real life. Your completely insensitive response can be summed up simply as "suck it up" with all the rest of the condescending insults left out. Sound more like you have something up your bum when you feel the need to post a response like this. Dropped on my head really? I think it's the other way around my friend.

I'm sorry, my bad, I thought you actually wanted advice.

If all you want is to be patted on the head and told you're a good boy, that's what your mommy is for.

 

Oh, and apparently you also want people to tell you its ok to abandon your wife and daughter because "you're not happy."

 

My advice is anything but "suck it up."

 

So far you have outlined 3 problems:

Your Wife is Fat.

You hate/resent the dogs.

Your wife won't let you control the money.

And you feel this gives you grounds for divorce.

 

Your love and affection for your wife should not depend on her weight. That just shows you to be a shallow, pitiful little man. And undoubtedly your attitude contributes to many of the other so-called problems.

Like I said, man up and be the husband your wife deserves. Improve your relationship, and you may actually find she will start listening to you about health and money.

 

I don't know why you're fixated on the dogs. You're the one who keeps bringing them up.

 

As I said, I sympathise with your financial predicament. My point is that you should stop beating your head against something you can't change. All your wife sees is that YOU are the one stopping her from having things, so let her run with it. The bank will turn her down, and then maybe she'll actually see the need to reduce spending and debt if she wants the new house.

Instead of "financial counselling" call it "financial planning". Tell her the goal is to get the finances sorted so that she can work towards that new house.

 

Look, if you were earning and controlling the money, my advice would be different. But since its her money, you can't force anything on her, you need to be much more patient and subtle, and try not to stress out about something you can't ultimately control.

 

Only you can ultimately decide if things are so bad that the marriage is irrecoverable.

[Mr. Lucky]

My point is that you should stop beating your head against something you can't change. All your wife sees is that YOU are the one stopping her from having things, so let her run with it. The bank will turn her down, and then maybe she'll actually see the need to reduce spending and debt if she wants the new house.

 

Bad advice when you've got a spouse excessively consuming anything, whether food, alcohol or money.

 

HusbandFather77, you're in a tough position, but you should continue to provide financial checks and balances to whatever degree you can.

 

Going to affect your future - and your daughter's, regardless of whether you're married or not...

 

Mr. Lucky

[HusbandFather77]

Bad advice when you've got a spouse excessively consuming anything, whether food, alcohol or money.

 

HusbandFather77, you're in a tough position, but you should continue to provide financial checks and balances to whatever degree you can.

 

Going to affect your future - and your daughter's, regardless of whether you're married or not...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks Mr. Lucky. your advice is very good here. I will continue to do as you have suggested.

Edited September 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I didn't even know I could hire someone to scoop the dog poop! I agree with you about the pet insurance. Why, though, if you're not working, are you not just scooping the poop yourself?

[schlumpy]

I agree with you about the pet insurance.

 

Not so quick on the pet insurance. If you are thrifty and put aside some money for your animals health needs no insurance makes sense but if not, it could be quite a shock.

 

My Bichon Pookie blew out a knee that cost $1600.00 to fix and years ago I had a large mixed dog that had a twisted stomach. Blew him up like a basketball. That was 5k to fix.

 

It can be challenging.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Not so quick on the pet insurance. If you are thrifty and put aside some money for your animals health needs no insurance makes sense but if not, it could be quite a shock.

 

My Bichon Pookie blew out a knee that cost $1600.00 to fix and years ago I had a large mixed dog that had a twisted stomach. Blew him up like a basketball. That was 5k to fix.

 

It can be challenging.

 

Oh I hear ya. I spent nearly 3K last year to have my cat's eye removed! But, if it's $3500 a year over the dog's lifetime, it probably doesn't pay. Similarly, I do not have health insurance for the same reason (I do a healthcare sharing ministry).

[rabsaque]

First post here. I'm looking for some advice and support on my situation with my wife of 14 years. We have a 12yo daughter and three large dogs.

 

Finances are a big point of contention in our relationship. We have a ton of debt including various credit cards and my wife has well over 100k in student loan debt. I have done everything I can to try and get her to stick to a budget and try to get our debts paid down. My wife makes a pretty good income and I was too up until about 5 years ago when I became disabled. My wife wants all these things with the primary being a new house with almost double our current mortgage payment. I know we can't afford this an I explained many times why. She doesn't seem to comprehend this. It has been an epic struggle to even get her to agree to a budget in the first place. She constantly shames me saying that it's all my fault because I became disabled among other things. The details aren't so much important as the things that are going on. We got into it today because I cancelled pet insurance policies because it was costing us $300 a month and we really can't afford it and I don't agree with the expenditure. She had a complete meltdown and is turning my daughter against me with my daughter saying if anything happens to the dogs it will be all my fault.

 

My wife is very negative all the time, we really don't have intimate relations because I am just not attracted to her for a number of reasons. The way she treats me makes me not want to be around her add onto that she weighs over 300 lbs and refuses to change her diet or exercise even though she has multiple health problems. The crazy thing is the other day she tells me she want to spend 20k on IVF treatments to have another baby. She refuses to see a financial counselor and insists she wants to do all these things and "make it work" which to me is code for spend now and then figure out how to pay for it later. Our debt situation is so bad that I know we will not be approved for a home loan and she tried to get financing for IVF about 2 years ago and was turned down due to our debt situation.

 

I have a plan to get us out of debt and try to get her the things that she wants but it requires sacrifice and discipline and I feel like giving up when at every turn she wants to do battle with me. It's not just the finances either. It seems like everything I want she wants the exact opposite and wants to fight about it at every turn.

 

At this point I just left and went to my mom's to take a time out. I'm just not sure the marriage is able to be saved. I can't continue to live like this as its affecting my physical and mental health. The constant negativity, shaming, bringing up the past and constantly talking about we should have done this or that. I am very now and future focused and I can't see myself living like this. I'm 42 years old and I am so mentally and physically exhausted I can't even argue anymore. I honestly feel happy when she is not around and I dread when she comes home.

 

My big concern is the affect all of this is having on our daughter and how to get out of this with minimal damage to her.

 

I understand your situation my brother and your pain to i'm in kidn of that situation myself , fortunately my wife has not that amounts of debt but she likes to spend money on things shee thinks we need like new set of sheets for the bed or a trip to our home country so our son knows it ( he is 2 months old btw) everytime i tell her, honey we can't afford that she jus uses this "BUT THIS WE NEED THIS!!" i mean for an example for the trip she wants to our home country which we can't aford tho, she is spending money on a lawyer to get our son the passport and yesterday she told me , baby ran out of formula (which is expensive AF) and i told her what did you dod with the money a gave you, she spent that on the lawyer cause oir son needs its papers for the trip.

 

 

Women can be really mean and they seem sometimes to don't see or not wanting to see reality, i'm currently thinking about leaving but i don't want to leave my sont with her caus she will turn him against me that for sure.

 

I feel you my man if you wanna talk it would be nice.

[Crazelnut]

Women can be really mean and they seem sometimes to don't see or not wanting to see reality, i'm currently thinking about leaving but i don't want to leave my sont with her caus she will turn him against me that for sure.

 

Don't start in with that "WOMEN can be really mean" nonsense! It's not about women. You realize MEN can be really mean too, right? And bad with money. And manipulative. And selfish. And ...

 

The issue is that you picked a bad one and stayed with her and even had a kid with her. So before you start disparaging my gender, look in the mirror and stop generalizing.

[Veronica73]

Wow.

 

I respect that you are staying for now to see if marriage counseling helps. I hope it does. And I mostly agree with you on the pet insurance thing. That is A LOT of money. But if you can’t afford to pay for an unexpected healthcare expense for them, it makes sense. Really, to a certain extent, surgeries for a dog aren’t that different from a similar surgery on a person. I don’t have health insurance for my pets, but I also have a nest egg and no debt, so I can afford to take care of them when something happens (which most likely it will).

 

A few other things I wanted to say:

 

1. I strongly disagree with whoever said that pets are a luxury. Nope. Once you own a pet, their lives and well-being are your responsibility for the rest of their lives. Period.

 

2. It boggles my mind that you are paying for a poop-picking-up service. Your kid should be doing this. Does she have other chores/responsibilities for the household? She should. That’s absolutely ridiculous. Do you hire somebody to mow the lawn too?

 

3. Your wife sounds awful. Again, I hope marriage counseling helps.

[Fluffkitty]

You are in a very difficult position, absolutely. Try MC but also start planning an exit strategy. It sounds like she has issues that would need years of individual therapy to address and she's not going to do that until she hits rock bottom emotionally.

 

As for your daughter being affected by the divorce, yes it will be a jolt for her but right now she is watching how you treat each other and it is laying the groundwork for how she will model her behavior when she is an adult. It might be more damaging for her to be living in this constant conflict. I grew up in a household similar to this, not a day went by when my parents were not at each other. I use to pray that they would get a divorce so I wouldnt have to live in a constant war zone. It took years of therapy for me to undo the damage and understand how to achieve a heathy romantic relationship.

 

I hope it works out best for your family, be it divorce or making the marriage healthier for everyone.

Edited September 27, 2019 by Fluffkitty

[HusbandFather77]

It's update time. I left again on 10/28 and I am confident that it is permanent now. About two years ago she brought a coonhound into the home that belonged to her sister. Every morning it is barking and driving me nuts. These dogs have a terribly loud and obnoxious bark. My family will no longer come to visit because the barking hurts their ears. I can't deal with the dog situation anymore and she refuses to do anything about it.

 

Second problem is that she continues to make snide remarks to me about the finances daily so we separated all the finances last month and that has all gone downhill.

 

Third, we went to MC and the therapist gave us paperwork on things not to do and she just continued with the negativity and basically did everything on the list the therapist said NOT to do. I went to MC a second session and she was caught in two lies and I told the therapist I just want a divorce. She refuses to cooperate with me on a mutual consent divorce. She says we are Catholic and don't believe in divorce. She also says she doesn't want a divorce.

 

At this point my personal therapist agrees that divorce might be the best thing for my mental health. I feel like I have no future at all to look forward to and I am very unhappy. Living in my own house and ignoring her just isn't going to work anymore. I have become a very miserable and unhappy person and I can't continue to live this way. I am back at Mom's house and the plan is to stay apart from her and try to get my life back.

 

There are so many things that would have to change in order for this to work I don't think it's reasonable to think there is a chance of that happening. All she says to me is that she is sorry and this isn't what she intended but that makes no sense at all to me. How can she not see that doing nothing is only going to keep the marriage in a downward spiral? The last time I told her face to face and in writing all the things that were a problem for me and it seems like she just ignored all of it. She says one thing but her actions show the complete opposite and so now I can't trust a word that comes out of her mouth.

 

I really can't afford divorce attorney right now so my plan is just to just get the debts that are in my name paid down and keep living apart. Maybe eventually she will come to realize that divorce is the only option or maybe I will get to a point where I can afford the attorney and initiate things. I think I need to just move on with my life at this point and not put anymore energy or time into trying to save this marriage....I am doing it by myself and that will never succeed. I have been mentally and physically sick and drained but I'm feeling a bit better now that I have been out of the situation for a few days. She keeps trying to contact me about stupid stuff but I am not engaging.

[schlumpy]

It sounds to me like you made an effort and the ball is in her court. I'm very sorry it's all ending up like this. Don't try to make sense of it all, you will just bruise your brain.

[Mr. Lucky]

HF77, how will you support your relationship with your daughter as this moves forward?

 

Mr. Lucky

[HusbandFather77]

HF77, how will you support your relationship with your daughter as this moves forward?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

That's a good question. She is mad at me right now but I will keep open visitation every other weekend.

[spiritedaway2003]

Thanks for the update. I hope you're doing ok. I'm sorry for the way it has to end (it's not final until it's final), though it seemed that you tried what you can to try to make things work. Definitely focus on taking care of your mental health first and getting that debt down first. You can't take care of anyone else or anything else until you get yourself into a good headspace. Best of luck with everything.

[spiderowl]

It does sound like you were in an impossibly draining situation.

 

I do think when a marriage or relationship is failing, even if one party does not wish to acknowledge it is, they often behave in such a way that break up becomes inevitable. She can cling to the marriage and be angry about it breaking up but still be precipitating that unconsciously.

 

Neither of you are happy as you were fighting most of the time. As you said, you and she disagreed over almost every tiny thing. I do know what that is like and I cannot see how it can be overcome. It is the way feelings have gone and a way of pushing headlong into separation. Sometimes people need to separate!

 

It is important to separate out the finances so that you are responsible for yours and she looks after her own. This should prevent you being dragged further into debt and she will have to face reality on that front.

 

I can see why you thought cancelling the pet insurance was the wise thing to do. However, unless you both had savings (and I was not getting that impression), if anything happens to the pets, you will not be able to afford it. Plus, knowing how she feels about the dogs, it could be seen as a provocative act. Yes, I know there are debts, but there are other ways to reduce them too.

 

I only mention the above because there is usually an element of both people contributing to the upset and anger when a relationship breaks up.

 

Separation and divorce sounds the best bet here. You two seem much too angry and bitter to make the marriage work. Your daughter should not have to cope with all this upset on a daily basis.

 

I suspect that your suffering an injury which led to disability, while sad for you, was also worrying and depressing for your wife. If she knows you are unlikely to be earning in the future, she will feel the responsibility. It threatens her security (mentally if not actually). It is not your fault, it is tragic circumstances, but so many things seem to have contributed to the marriage falling apart.

 

I hope you have some peace now and the divorce goes as well as it can. Hopefully, you, your wife and daughter, will find some equilibrium and be relieved of some of the stresses that were clearly destroying your marriage.

[HusbandFather77]

Another update.  I am really having a lot of emotions right now.  She is saying she missed me on Christmas and that she still loves me. I sent her a letter a couple of weeks ago at the urging of my priest outlining 13 different items that needed to change in order to save the marriage.  At that time I asked her to please tell me if she is willing to change those things or no.  She is now stonewalling me and telling me she wants to change but she needs to talk to her therapist before she will tell me how she plans to address all the items on the list.  I go see the lawyer tomorrow to start the process.  I have been gone for 71 days at this point and she has changed nothing at all.  She talks all of this talk and then her actions are the complete opposite of what she says.  This is the most difficult part about this whole thing...I mean if we could both agree that its over then we could save a lot of money but she will not even respect me enough to agree that its over.  I couldn't sleep tonight and its almost 4am as I type this.  I have good days and bad days but I just keep trucking on.

 

Thank you all again for your kind words on this situation.  It's a total mess.

[PegNosePete]

I wish I'd seen this thread back in September - the one thing I would have drummed into your head is that you NEED PROFESSIONAL LEGAL ADVICE!!! Even while in MC you should have seen a lawyer to learn about the legal side of your financial situation, the options available to you, and the implications of actions you are considering. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

It seems you're on the path to divorce. You've given it every chance you can but she is not living up to her side of the bargain. When words and actions don't match, trust actions.

If you do divorce then unfortunately you may have shot yourself in the foot somewhat. (Sorry for that metaphor, hope your disability is not foot related!)

Imagine the genders are reversed for a minute. Husband is the breadwinner with good income, bad with money, has big debts. Disabled wife at home with the kid(s). What do you think would be the usual outcome of divorce? The wife would get the house and primary custody, husband would get the debts and be living in a crappy bedsit with visitation every other weekend. Now let me remind you that this outcome has nothing to do with gender! There is NO mention of gender in divorce laws of any Western country. So if the genders are swapped, there is no reason the outcome wouldn't remain the same. As the disabled husband with no (or low) income, you should be given the bulk of the assets of the marriage because it's impossible for you to afford rent or mortgage payments on your own, and as the higher earner your wife can (on paper) easily afford to rent whilst paying you alimony and child support.

However now that you've moved out and set the precedent of limited contact with your daughter, it could be very difficult to come back from that.

This is the reason you should ALWAYS see a lawyer sooner rather than later when divorce is on the cards, and certainly BEFORE moving out! Yes, lawyers are expensive but good advice can pay for itself many times over.

I hope you can recover this situation. When you see the lawyer, presumably this is for a free initial consultation. You should certainly see 2 or 3 or more! You can learn a really good amount of knowledge of the whole process and your situation by seeing more than 1. Try not to focus on the technicalities of how to get a divorce when your spouse is not cooperating: that is simply procedural and a matter of course, you can research that on your own time. Rather, focus on the finances and how to get the best outcome for yourself. Take an A4 sheet with a summary of the assets, debts, figures, incomes, outgoings, etc. To make the best of your time with the lawyer, try not to get bogged down in small details but look at the big picture, how your life will be post divorce, and what actions you can take NOW to improve your situation for years to come.

 

[Mr. Lucky]

7 hours ago, HusbandFather77 said:

This is the most difficult part about this whole thing...I mean if we could both agree that its over then we could save a lot of money but she will not even respect me enough to agree that its over.

Why should she say it's over?  She gets to keep her options open, you're hanging on her every word and she can continue to do what she wants without consequences.

The good news HF77, is that it doesn't require a unanimous vote to pull the plug, you can do it on your own.  If you have 13(!!!)  points of major discomfort in the current relationship, chances are she's never going to make you happy - and that assumes she tries, no guarantee at this point.  Don't negotiate the things important to you or you'll continue to be filled with doubt and resentment.

Agree with above, time to get a lawyer and understand your options going forward.  Given the disconnect, I'd guess you'd both be happier apart...

Mr. Lucky 

[PinkFlamingo]

Most insurances are based on fear mongering and they do not even cover everything. Sometimes it makes more sense to save the money one would have put into an insurance and then use the saved money when needed. But I do not know the details of your pet insurance, you have to do calcuations and decide for yourself.

All in all, your wife sounds very self-centered and 300 lbs is of weight is certainly not going to make things easier in a marriage, despite what other posters may say. I'm quite curious about your disability though, somehow I feel you are not telling as all the relevant details of the story, but it's nobody's business either. 

[HusbandFather77]

Thank you folks for your replies.  Having another bad day today.  I'm not hiding anything here...I'm not blaming everything on her....I haven't been the perfect husband by any means.  If the marriage would have broken up in 2013 I would have said the disability had something to do with it.  Quite the opposite actually because I think she liked the fact that I became disabled.  She has never expressed resentment over my disability but she has tried to use it as a way to control me.  I don't want to get into the disability discussion because it's private other than to say that she was fine with everything until I started standing up for myself in the marriage.  Her verbal abuse had become progressively worse over the last couple years.  The bottom line is that I allowed this to happen and at this point I only have myself to blame if I allow it to continue.

I really appreciate the support from everyone here though.  I feel terribly lost right now.

[PegNosePete]

The best way to find your way is to respect yourself going forward, decide what you want going forward, and make a game plan to get there.

Did you see the lawyer? What did they say?