Should I just let him go???

[Desperate500]

I will start by apologizing for this lengthy post and thank you to those who read the whole thing.

 

I met a what I thought was 100% single man, we dated and everything was fine for a few weeks. He has 2 kids by ex GF and I have 1 by ex hubby both of us early - mid 30's. We live about 30 min away fro each other.

 

So ex GF has expressed her having a problem with me dating him,she threatened to maybe not have the kids at his house most of the time if he is going to be with me. (she now lives with another man, kids are 90% of the time with my BF and no I have not been "bad" to,for or around the kids.)Now instead of risking that, he decided to break up with me solely for that reason.

A few weeks go by and I find out I am pregnant, he says he is happy

and didn't want me to terminate, said we should try again, to which I agreed because I really do want to be with him.

 

THE ISSUES!!!JUST TO NAME A FEW

I am never invited to "family" activities like before....BBQ,Movie night,etc

If his ex is coming, I can not be around

Ex still has "connections" to his family

They still go out as a family unit (him,ex and kids)

Her current partner is invited to everything

 

With what I have shared, I now have questions like, where do I fit in in this ? Am I stupid to think things will change once my baby is born?

 

He claims to not have time to be with me (i've only seen him 2x in 2months) but he will call me when he is hanging out with his friends, or i would see pictures of him and the kids doing stuff. Some of you might say I should get over myself, he is spending time with his kids, but i cant help but think where will my kid fit in his schedule?

 

I will stop here, if you guys want me to elaborate on anything, please let me know, dont want to bore you:(

[Beendaredonedat]

Its up to you but if I were you, I wouldn't see him again and I would immeditely seek sole custody of the baby (if I wasn't going to have an abortion).

 

This man is still very much (too much) involved with his ex to the point I'd question if they were actually even broken up.

 

You will have a harder time finding a man now that you are a single mother but you'll have an even harder time if you are a single mother who is still hung up on the turd that is stringing her along with his BS about his ex not wanting you around his children.

 

Never, ever be with someone that keeps you a secret. See a lawyer about child support from him and having his wages garnished if need be to get it. Of course that won't start until you have the baby.

[Noproblem]

You know what will happen if you stay with this guy.

 

You will never ever be happy, you will never feel fullfuiled and you won't feel like a priority ever.

 

You will never feel loved and appreciated

 

You will always feel like an outsider, the other woman!

 

At the same time, you will not have a chance to be with a decent guy because you know, you are with your baby papa!

 

He'll ruin every relationship you will try to build, he will use the kid as a leverage.

 

So yeah, I hope you leave him and raise the kid alone.

 

This guy only cares about his kids, and he wanting you back is because of the kid.

 

He loves having kids! Otherwise why the hell he didn't use a condom!

 

He loves kids, not you, not his ex gf, just the kids!

[chillii]

l might've missed it but if not how long you been seeing him ?

You can't be around the kids too soon anyway, well new people shouldn't be anyway , 12mths at least.

Also some couples try to do things as a family hoping it's better for the kids some agree some don't but it's their choice but his kids will always be top of the list if he truly wants to do best he can in a divorce , sorry , at this stage anyway .

As far as time with you , few times in a few mths, sure doesn't seem like his all that keen to me he couldn't managed a lot better than that whatever the case.

[Desperate500]

Been together for 8 months. its kinda late to have boundaries on when i should be around the kids when he is the one that insisted that I be around them, his words were " I want my kids to know you,because i feel it is pointless me falling for you and then finding out you don't get along or my kids don't like you"

Trying to be a "family" when in fact you aren't anymore,who does that help? I feel it further confuses the kids. I have no problem with how he chooses to raise his kids with his ex, problem is eg: him not answering my calls when they are on their "family" outing!

I also have an ex,but I know there are boundaries once you have separated, like @Beendaredonedat said, it does make me wonder sometimes if they even broken up.

[preraph]

Him and his ex have to sort out that stuff before a judge under a judge's order. Judges don't like kids being around new people, but they're more worried about new men than new women because that's the majority of abusers/molestors. So he could come out just fine on it, plus what the kids are used to (being with him) weighs heavily on a judge's decision.

 

But why isn't she taking 50 percent custody herself? I think anyone is crazy not to insist the spouse take care of the kids half the time. I guess he's doing it to pay her less money in support. But just know that has been his choice. It isn't normally that way. Normally it's 50/50, so he chose that. And he can unchoose it.

 

I wouldn't get in the middle of that at all but I won't tell you what to do about the baby. I'd have been using birth control, and he would have too if he had any sense.

[Desperate500]

They were never married so when they separated, they never thought to get a custody agreement/child support and he has his mom living with him, so I guess the ex left the kids more to him because she has no family near by...and he doesn't seem to want to get a legal custody agreement fearing that he will lose that 90% he currently has (my personal opinion from the little he does say about the situation)

[chillii]

Been together for 8 months. its kinda late to have boundaries on when i should be around the kids when he is the one that insisted that I be around them, his words were " I want my kids to know you,because i feel it is pointless me falling for you and then finding out you don't get along or my kids don't like you"

Trying to be a "family" when in fact you aren't anymore,who does that help? I feel it further confuses the kids. I have no problem with how he chooses to raise his kids with his ex, problem is eg: him not answering my calls when they are on their "family" outing!

I also have an ex,but I know there are boundaries once you have separated, like @Beendaredonedat said, it does make me wonder sometimes if they even broken up.

 

 

 

 

Yeah but some try it that way whatever anyone else thinks. You got kids with your ex ?

l can understand him not answering while they're all together , just let them have that time it'd be pretty fragile. And her having hers around , just the good old double standard stuff and she's got him on tender hooks somehow too.

Bit late but why on earth did you get pregnant so soon and in a sitch like this , can well understand your concerns now though.

But because of that your gonna have to hang in there and try to work this out first of all.

Communication , you guys have lots of talking to do and things to work out.

[preraph]

They were never married so when they separated, they never thought to get a custody agreement/child support and he has his mom living with him, so I guess the ex left the kids more to him because she has no family near by...and he doesn't seem to want to get a legal custody agreement fearing that he will lose that 90% he currently has (my personal opinion from the little he does say about the situation)

 

That's him just avoiding paying child support, in my opinion. Married or not, they need to work out custody before a judge to stop crap like this from happening and lay ground rules.

 

When it comes time, if you're not staying with him, you'll need to get a lawyer and judge involved or he'll do the same to you.

[Desperate500]

Yes i have a child with an ex

[S2B]

They were never married so when they separated, they never thought to get a custody agreement/child support and he has his mom living with him, so I guess the ex left the kids more to him because she has no family near by...and he doesn't seem to want to get a legal custody agreement fearing that he will lose that 90% he currently has (my personal opinion from the little he does say about the situation)

 

These are excuses. There is not one single reason I would have ever left my kids when they were growing up.

 

In fact - my exH has 50/50 custody on court papers but my kids were with me every day.

 

I never fought to show 100% and get money for 100% of the time with them - my priority was them.

 

A decent Mom would have them at least 50% of the time.

 

File court papers for support ASAP. Outline time you want with this baby.

 

Don’t expect anything else from him - if he doesn’t have time now he likely won’t have time later. Consider getting 100% custody from the court.

Edited September 8, 2019 by S2B

[Mr. Lucky]

They were never married so when they separated, they never thought to get a custody agreement/child support and he has his mom living with him, so I guess the ex left the kids more to him because she has no family near by

 

You are interjecting yourself into a very complicated situation. If you're interested in an eventual life of peace, harmony and contentment, you should reconsider any relationship with this man at this time.

 

A few weeks go by and I find out I am pregnant, he says he is happy

and didn't want me to terminate, said we should try again, to which I agreed because I really do want to be with him.

 

A baby isn't a tool for facilitating relationships. Desperate500, you're making some ill-considered decisions with long-lasting consequences. Do you have a trusted friend, family member or religious adviser you can discuss this with?

 

Mr. Lucky