Desperate for support :'(

[lainey595]

Hello everyone, I'm new to this forum, and I'm here to talk to someone who might have been in the same situation I'm in and managed to get through it somehow, or at least has advice :'(

 

So, my long distance boyfriend (24, lives in the US) and I (25, live in the UK) have been together for 2 years and 4 months. We met on a mental health forum since we both suffer from the same anxiety disorders and got talking every day and eventually developed feelings for eachother, and our relationship overall has been amazing, except there's one big flaw, he doesn't ever want to meet me in real life! He talks about our future, and talks about places he wants us to visit in america and in the UK together, talks about children and says he wants us to get married someday! I've been feeling very depressed and lonely just lately and feeling as if I'll never get to experience what it's like to be physically with the one I love! I've brought it up many times and he gets uncomfortable, and says he couldn't ever bring himself to do it. I've been totally understanding and accepting of his feelings of anxiety about meeting me and left it alone and not spoke about it for long periods of time, now I also feel anxious to death about meeting him, but I know in the end it would all be worth it, and I'd do it! We talk on skype every day, don't video call very often as it makes us both uncomfortable, but our voice calls are amazing, we're both very happy with each other, we understand each other, are supportive of one another and we always have conversation and something to do, we're compatible! It's just the physical stuff that's missing, I can't touch, hold, hug and kiss him, or go places with him, and it's increasingly making me depressed and lonely! :'( and I feel so trapped in this relationship because I adore him so much, but at the same time I don't think I can cope with this long distance being forever, yet he's totally fine with it, and says he'd rather us be together online for the rest of our lives than not at all, and it just sinks my heart, and makes my stomach turn whenever he talks about us doing things together in real life, and talking about our future when it isn't going to happen! :'( I'm at a loss, I'm unhappy with the relationship, but happy when I'm with him, emotionally, I just don't know what to do, please any advice on what my best course of action will be, I'd appreciate it very much! :'(

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Hmmm, maybe try contacting MTV's Catfish....I don't think they've done a US/Europe episode yet. When you have video chatted, have you gotten a clear view of him?

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think I can cope with this long distance being forever, yet he's totally fine with it, and says he'd rather us be together online for the rest of our lives than not at all

 

This is completely unrealistic and, frankly, not a relationship.

 

It'a a friendship at best, but you two cannot possibly have a romantic relationship without ever meeting in person. I would be very suspicious that he is not who he says he is, or that he is not actually single. I realize you have spoken on the phone and video chatted a few times, but that is simply not enough to verify much of anything he's told you about himself.

 

It's a very unhealthy situation as it keeps you tethered to a device when you could be working on meeting a nice guy locally who can actually offer you a real relationship and love.

 

The only course of action if he refuses to meet you is to stop communicating with him.

[justwhoiam]

Hi lainey,

 

 

The two previous posters are right... but I'd like to add my perspective too.

 

 

He's got mental issues, so you need to realize that trying to be with a tool like him will be hard. Now, assuming that you saw him on video and you made sure of who he is, you can gather info on him: there are services for that and they won't cost too much. You can check if he's a registered offender, if he was ever in trouble with the law, check his credit report and get a drug screening...

 

 

That said, I was the one saying I would have never met him (he's American). Then, one day (by then we had been talking for like 10 years already), he was coming to Europe on a business trip. He told me about it and asked me if there was any chance we could meet, and I said yes. We met and it was magic. It all started from there.

 

 

My advice is:

 

1. don't agree to be his girlfriend until when you actually meet in the flesh; 2. if things don't progress but your background check makes you optimistic about him, you could travel to the U.S., tell him you're there and ask him to meet up. If at that point he refuses seeing you, you cut contact with him and move on.

 

 

Be prepared for the worst outcome.

[basil67]

So to sum it up, he loves you over the phone and would be happy with how things are even if it causes you great stress? Sounds like a great guy (sarcasm)

[anika99]

If you want a relationship with someone that you can touch, see hold, and go places with then stop having this online relationship and try to find yourself a real in the flesh man.

 

Look this guy has straight up told you that he is never going to give you the things you want. His mental health issues might have something to do with that. He can't handle the intimacy or the responsibility of having close relationships so he chooses a fantasy online relationship. I think that's true for a lot of people who choose long distance relationships.

 

In any case you know this guy is never going to marry you, have babies with you, or have any sort of normal relationship with you. He doesn't even want to meet you. You don't really know him and have no idea what is truly going on in his real life. Maybe the reason he doesn't ever want to meet you is because he already has a girlfriend. Maybe he's some middle aged man who is already married with 5 kids, or maybe he is really who he says he is. Doesn't really matter because you are wasting your time in every scenario.

[preraph]

I'm so sorry you got emotionally involved with this guy. This is not real to him. It's just fantasy. No telling if he's even who or what he says he is. He might just be mirroring you to keep you talking so he can masturbate at the other end. He may just be saying he has what you have, etc.

 

Thing is him knowing he never wants to meet -- that is the ultimate dealbreaker! Doesn't matter why. Maybe he is so mentally ill his anxiety will never let him meet anyone or so anything in real life -- or maybe he's just a catfish posing as someone he isn't.

 

Please believe me when I tell you that the only thing to do here is to block him and stop talking to him or communicating at all. Block him from all social media so you don't have to think about what he'll think about this and that or if he's looking and so you can move on. He could be some old married guy with a beer gut and five kids and a wife. That's actually your best-case scenario because if he really is who and what he says, he's too dysfunctional to ever meet and have a real relationship with anyone. I believe he's a poser, though.

[Foxhall]

Its going to be difficult for you to end contact in the near future because that will traumatise you,

 

you need however to look for other real life options,

 

get yourself out there joining meet-up groups or something,

 

are there people from the same forum you could get to know closer to you,

 

this guy will probably never be ready to come to the UK, but I accept you still need him for now,

 

keep it open with him for now, but start trying to meet other people in real life,

just get out making new friends, broaden your horizons and so on and find other social ways of passing the time.

[lainey595]

First of all, I'd just like to say thank you so much to all that responded to my post, it really does mean a lot to me!

 

I'd also just like to assure everyone that he definitely is who he says he is, we know each other's families (I don't know his personally, but I can confirm information I know about them), we know each other's birthdays which can be confirmed and when we're skyping which is more often than most would consider healthy, we hear everything that's said and goes on at both ends, he works, has a landscaping job and he's took me with him via video call many times over the past 2 years, he's spoken to my parents, however he does have to hide me from his family as when he told his mum about me the first time back in 2017 she wasn't happy at all and brought me up in an argument they had calling me the b word. I just don't know what to do, at some point I felt wrong and selfish to want to be with him in real life after 2 years like this, but my therapist reassured me I'm not wrong for wanting this, and neither is he for not wanting it.... I just don't know, I have really strong feelings for him and I know it might sound silly for some people, but we've made unforgettable memories, and I feel like we're happy, and he says he feels the same way, and that he couldn't feel this way with another woman, we just have this connection, and one that I feel won't ever happen to me with anyone else for the rest of my life! :'( I just don't get why he's made all these plans for our future, all the places he's listed off he wants us to visit, all the things he wants us to do together, and getting married and having a family, getting my hopes up, only to say he could *never* bring himself to do it, he seems to think I have a certain expectation of what he'll look and act like, even though I've promised and reassured him I don't, told him he is who he is, and looks how he looks, my feelings don't revolve around his appearance, and it's not like he's been faking his personality to me all this time, and I even said of course I know there's going to be a little difference in the way we are online versus real life, and I accept that, I don't expect us to just jump into all the romantic stuff right away, I know that would take time... but he isn't willing to accept any of this, he says he knows I won't like him, and can't do it... :'( So I just don't know, I really don't...

[ExpatInItaly]

If you have never met his family, you don't know each others' families.

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but you need a significant reality check here. You have clung on to an idea of who you think he is, but you have very little way of knowing who is actually is. Nobody can know that without spending time in person with someone. You know what he has told you, but I would bet my bottom dollar that there is plenty he hasn't told you, and doesn't want you knowing. If you met, you'd learn the truth and my strong sense is that he has been hiding some things from you.

 

At the end of the day, the above doesn't even matter that much - in light of him telling you that you two will never met, there is no future here. He is making too many excuses and it's time for you to let go. Listen to him when he says it's not going to happen, and believe him.

 

This is dreadfully unhealthy for you. Do you date offline at all? Have a social life, a job (or studies)?

Edited September 13, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[Happy3917]

It's difficult when you've put in a lot of time... but if it isn't right, and he want's different things, then it's sadly time to move on... in my opinion, that is.

[ahayy]

Sorry to be harsh, but it sounds like more of a friendship where both of u rely on each other to share emotional thoughts rather than romantic relationship?

Even people meeting physically might not really "know" each other, it's so much harder to "know" someone just online.

For a real relationship meeting up in person is a must. If he doesn't understand that then he's still a kid with all fantasy in his mind. Probably u should move on to find someone else, whom can give u mental support and even make u feel better.

All the best!

[BaileyB]

I just don't get why he's made all these plans for our future, all the places he's listed off he wants us to visit, all the things he wants us to do together, and getting married and having a family, getting my hopes up, only to say he could *never* bring himself to do it

 

I think you underestimate the impact that his anxiety has on his ability to develop a healthy and intimate relationship with a woman.

 

I also think that you underestimate the appeal of a “fantasy relationship” online. It’s not uncommon for people to be attracted to the fantasy of an online relationship, particularly people who have anxiety and/or have difficulty forming relationships with other people. Developing an online relationship is relatively safe and easy to acheive, as there is a certain security in knowing that you are separated/not required to meet. It’s easy to dream up all the things you would like to do when you don’t ever have to leave the comfort of your home and your computer. Going out and actually putting yourself out there to develop a relationship, be intimate with another person, travel, etc... is another thing entirely. Surely you know people who get very wrapped up in their dreams, but have no intention or ability to actually follow-through...

 

Of course, your therapist is not wrong in telling you that you are not wrong in wanting a real life relationship with a man. However, at some point you must look at the reality of the situation. This man is telling you - for whatever reason - he can’t do it and it’s never going to happen.

 

For that reason, it’s unhealthy for you to continue in this relationship. Relationships develop in person and healthy relationships progress. This relationship is neither of these things.

 

To a certain extent, you are doing something similar but different by clinging to a relationship that has no future. Your interest in this man most definitely keeps you teathered to the computer and allows you to avoid putting yourself out there - to meet new people and perhaps acheive your goal to develop a real life relationship with a man.

 

How much more of your life are you planning to spend pursuing a relationship that is not going anywhere... a relationship that will simply not be what you want it to be because he is sadly not capable of being who you want him to be?

 

I’m sorry, but when he tells you that he can not do it, you need to believe him. I think you need to consider this a friendship and look elsewhere if your goal is to have a real life relationship with a man.

Edited September 14, 2019 by BaileyB

[justwhoiam]

First of all, I'd just like to say thank you so much to all that responded to my post, it really does mean a lot to me!

You're welcome!

 

we know each other's families (I don't know his personally, but I can confirm information I know about them)

Based on what? How can you be so naive? I think this hating mother might be the wife? He talks to you while he's working... Can you spend the night with him on Skype call if you wanted to? If that can't happen, then you have your answer.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry to hear this. You are suffering because you are still emotionally attached to him.

 

You are both far apart from each other and that, in itself, is a big barrier. Both have to have the will and determination to meet and make it work. Even then, such long-distance relationships are an uphill struggle unless you actually move to be with each other. For many people, moving away from family and all you know to another country to be with a partner, is a huge step and not to be taken lightly.

 

He should not be talking about a future, marriage, babies, all that, if he has no intention of meeting you in real life. That is just weird and manipulative. He does not want to lose his online companion but neither does he want to meet your needs. This is completely wrong and unfair to you. You need to see that he is manipulating you emotionally in that respect. A guy who cares about you would never do that.

 

It seems from what you've said that this guy is happy with this limited relationship and you are not. He is clearly not going to change this. It may be because of his anxiety but, whatever the reason, he is not going to make this happen in real life. You need a whole relationship not this online relationship.

 

I know you will not want to give up on him but I think you need to, otherwise you will stay emotionally attached and not open to others who could offer you more. If you have expressed your needs to him and he is not willing to change anything, you have very few choices:

 

- to stay in this half relationship and suffer the frustration of never having a caring physical relationship;

- to keep him as a friend and withdraw any romantic feelings from him (difficult to do if you stay in touch);

- to give up on him and stop contact.

 

Stopping contact will give you chance to emotionally withdraw from this guy and, when you have got over that, you will be able to look outwards and consider other relationships. I know it just seem impossible at the moment, because you are in love with him, but you know this is not enough for you. You do have the possibility of a better, more fulfilling relationship out in the world but probably do not believe that at the moment.

 

Yes, it would mean starting again, abandoning this online relationship, and reorienting yourself towards another possible future. You can do this but you need to be determined. I think once you realise this is not going anywhere you will find the pain of this online relationship starts to override the pleasure.

 

I doubt you will be able to remain online friends with him but who knows? For your sake, I think you will need to cut contact for a while at least to allow you to create a life without being attached to him. You need different opportunities now. I'm so sorry this has become a frustrating disappointment for you.

Edited September 14, 2019 by spiderowl

[Big Aus]

I can empathise with where you BOTH are coming from.

Dealing with anxiety is difficult, and sometimes it just doesn't allow sufferers to do the things other people take for granted. And if you can find ways around that, then more power to ya.

Presumably, for somebody who struggles to get out and meet people, the internet has been a great bonus.

You DO have something, and it would appear to be something that he would not otherwise have. And frankly, if that were enough for you both AND all you could reasonably aspire to, then who's to say its wrong.

 

The first thing you need to understand is that the very reason your relationship has thrived is because you are an ocean apart. There is no fear for him. He can talk about all the things he'd like to do, with no fear it will ever be realised. He'd be scared of a relationship with a lady in the next town, because one day she's going to suggest getting on the train and actually meeting. He only continues this relationship because he knows that neither of you will ever get on a plane.

Please understand that this isn't something you can overcome, because its intrinsic to the relationship.

 

I don't think he's being "a tool", because frankly the idea of you meeting is simply a dream.

 

The hardest part for you, if you want a real-world relationship, is not just that you need to end this one, but that you will need to start looking outside.

 

My concern is your own lack of comfort with even video-calling, and that even you seem far too happy with this virtual relationship. You dream of a real relationship, but can you overcome your own anxiety enough to actually pursue one.

 

If it helps, please also understand that what you have, even within the strictures of a virtual relationship, is based on only a partial reality.

 

And I'll pass on the following advice, that I found a little helpful:

If you have only one leg, and want to enter a 3-legged race, look for a partner with two legs, not a fellow amputee.

ie: Try to find somebody that can love you and support you in overcoming your anxiety.

[Gretchen12]

Yours is not a LDR problem. He can live in the same town and refuse to meet you. What you have is a virtual boyfriend. One day you will want a real boy. Most guys in their 20's want to be sexually active. Maybe he has some sexual issues that he's too embarrassed to tell you. In any case staying with him means a lifetime no sex.

 

You can also just buy a ticket and show up at his address.

[lainey595]

Hey there Big Aus, I'd just like to say thank you so much for your insightful response!

 

Your entire post was a real eye opener! You're absolutely right about anxiety being incredibly difficult to deal with, and doesn't allow the people suffering from it to do these things such as meeting people. We both suffer badly with social anxiety, so I do completely and wholeheartedly understand his feelings, I do, and that's why I haven't brought the conversation up again I do hope we will one day find a way to work around it though, because I really do feel strongly for him, and he says he feels strongly for me too and fears losing me more than anything.

 

You're right about us having something, we do have an amazing relationship despite this, we talk endlessly, have been there for each other at difficult times, have endless things in common, similar interests, likes and dislikes, dreams everything, we're just very compatible and that's something very hard to find! we are generally happy when we're together, and that's why I'm just so torn apart over feeling this lonely, depressed and unhappy.

 

"He only continues this relationship because he knows that neither of you will ever get on a plane." My stomach has turned, because I've thought about this a lot I too fear that he is only continuing the relationship because he knows that neither of us will get on a plane, and when I've mentioned being the one to eventually do it, and bare in mind, I've said when we're both ready and feeling totally comfortable, he repeats "no no no I can't let you do that" and I've gotten these same responses when I've asked if he'd do it *if* we were both feeling comfortable!

 

I don't think he's being a tool either, it's extremely cute that he imagines us meeting each other, and doing all the things he talks about together... yet in a way, whether it's right or wrong, I don't feel he should be saying it like he intends on doing it. I say these things because it's something I intend on doing, it's something I want to work up to, and I have a belief that I'll overcome my anxiety enough to be the one to get on a plane, but I won't do that as long as he declines me.

 

I realize, and it really hurts and knocks me sick to my stomach to, that if I want a real life relationship, then I have to end this one, and work on overcoming my social anxiety so I can get out there and meet someone locally. I can't stand the thought of this, as this man is the one I want, and it'll be incredibly difficult to let go of all the feelings, the memories and what we have and open my heart to someone else!

 

It's so hard, it truly is, I'm tearing up because I know I can't deal with this for the rest of my life. I really love this man, I care about him and would absolutely hate to hurt him like this, and he's perfect for me, we have something that I probably won't ever have with anyone else for the rest of my life! He says he is more than willing to spend the rest of his life with me online, and expects me to feel the same way and at first, I felt that way, I felt that I could deal with that before the loneliness and realization kicked in, I see couples everywhere, on facebook, real life, the tv, and it makes me just want to cry, because I want all of that with him, but realize if I spend the rest of my life like this, I never will, and I'll never know what it's like! :'( :'( :'(

Edited September 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[ExpatInItaly]

It's so hard, it truly is, I'm tearing up because I know I can't deal with this for the rest of my life.:'(

 

OP, nobody could. It's completely unrealistic.

 

The more you write, the more I'm convinced this guy is hiding something from you that he does not want you to discover. I don't think this is all down to anxiety, but you both frame it that way because it's "easier" for you to accept and it keeps him from being transparent about who he really is.

 

Whatever the case may be, you need to walk away. This is preventing you from developing healthy relationships with people you can actually interact with in real life.

[Calmandfocused]

Op a few months ago I “met” someone off here. I’m in the uk, he’s in the US.

 

For a (brief) period of time I was written poetry, told I was the most beautiful woman he’s ever known, how when he met me it was going to be everlasting love ... blah blah blah. We’d talk about meeting up, the future, how wonderful everything would be .... you get the picture.

 

Op it was wonderful but it wasn’t real. I enjoyed it, but I knew deep down it was a fantasy, an escapism from the world and real life. There is no way we could have been together. It was never going to happen.

 

Op he’s not your boyfriend. You cant be in a committed relationship with someone you can’t even touch. You’re in love with a fantasy, a dream. I’m sorry but it’s not going to work out the way you want it.

 

You’re really young. Why aren’t you dating young hot men who live close to you.

 

You’ve wasted 2 years on a dream. Please don’t waste anymore.

[lainey595]

Hey there Calmandfocused!

 

I'm so sorry to hear it didn't work out with you and this guy, and that you invested all of that time only to realize it wasn't going anywhere! it really does seem like we've both been in a very similar situation, both been swept off our feet by a man halfway across the world, and made to feel like there's a future, only for it to turn out they don't actually have any intention on making it happen I hate that you've been through this, and at the same time proud of you for realizing you didn't deserve that, and doing what was best for you, and I do hope you'll find someone closer to you if you haven't already, who truly means everything they say, and who's actions meet their words

 

I did try and have a conversation with him tonight, told him I felt there was something missing, and he said "I know it's me, I can't be a real man and give you the time or physical affection you crave, that's why you're better off being with a real man" and this, of course hurts, because he will then say he doesn't mean it, he doesn't want me to be with someone else, doesn't want to lose me then says he just can't imagine us being together physically... it's confusing, but the more I read posts on here like yours, the more I realize that our relationship as wonderful as it feels just isn't going to go any further than the internet :'( I'd make it happen despite my anxiety, but if he won't then I don't want to disrespect him by just showing up it's heartbreaking, it really is, and I just don't know if I can let go like this right away, I'll need time, but don't know where to start on emotionally detaching myself :'(