When your boyfriend says he needs space...

[nothingsintheflowerz]

My boyfriend of a year and a half recently told me he needs space. We usually talk throughout the day; he says he wants limited communication. We're long distance starting again this school year, about 2 hrs. We have been having a lot of arguments about things and recently while taking a trip together, had some difficult spats.

 

Well I want to work things out with him, but I can't seem to stop obsessing over whether or not he will break up after this space (about one week) is over.

Does 'space' usually mean he just is softening the blow of an imminent breakup? How do I prevent this breakup from happening? Thanks so much in advance.

[smackie9]

You can't prevent anything from happening. BUT the best thing you can do is back off. If you step in at anytime to push for answers or try to bring it all up, it will make things so bad.

 

 

 

So lets talk about what these arguments have been about....maybe I can help you there.

[Redhead14]

My boyfriend of a year and a half recently told me he needs space. We usually talk throughout the day; he says he wants limited communication. We're long distance starting again this school year, about 2 hrs. We have been having a lot of arguments about things and recently while taking a trip together, had some difficult spats.

 

Well I want to work things out with him, but I can't seem to stop obsessing over whether or not he will break up after this space (about one week) is over.

Does 'space' usually mean he just is softening the blow of an imminent breakup? How do I prevent this breakup from happening? Thanks so much in advance.

 

 

When someone tells me or shows me that they want space, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is. If they take too long, they may not have a place to land their aircraft. While they are taking their space, I am evaluating mine and whether or not that space is enhanced by having the other person in it or not.

 

 

I am not in the habit of allowing a partner of a significant period of time to unilaterally decide what will happen with MY life. Do not reach out to him for any reason. If he reaches out to you after that week, you can decide to answer or not. If he goes longer than a week, I wouldn't answer if he reaches out.

[Lobouspo]

Could be the classic fade out. Respect his wishes. At some point however, you both need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk if the relationship is worth saving. Ultimately, no matter how much you want to make things work, it takes two people to make things work. If he's "checked out" you will just be banging your head against a wall.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's not a good sign when someone wants space, but without much context, we can't give a lot of advice beyond giving him all the space he wants.

 

What were these arguments about? How often do they happen, and how long has there been this level of conflict?

[Watercolors]

My boyfriend of a year and a half recently told me he needs space. We usually talk throughout the day; he says he wants limited communication. We're long distance starting again this school year, about 2 hrs. We have been having a lot of arguments about things and recently while taking a trip together, had some difficult spats.

 

Well I want to work things out with him, but I can't seem to stop obsessing over whether or not he will break up after this space (about one week) is over.

Does 'space' usually mean he just is softening the blow of an imminent breakup? How do I prevent this breakup from happening? Thanks so much in advance.

 

"I need space," is a total insult to you, because essentially your boyfriend's telling you that you're not worth the effort it will take him to sit down with you considerately and tell you why he's breaking up with you. This phrase is the coward's way out of a difficult break-up conversation.

 

Your boyfriend doesn't respect you enough to put in the effort to tell you directly, and kindly, that he's done with this relationship. He figures if he stalls for a week, leaving you confused, it will be easier for him to walk away from you without any consequences; you holding him accountable, means he has to feel guilty, and since he doesn't want to feel guilty for dumping you, he will try to put this on you, and make you feel guilty instead. Make sense?

 

Whenever that phrase is used, it's a sign that the relationship is over. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to change this outcome. I would be shocked if your boyfriend actually used the week apart to consider everything and decide to stay together.

 

Every relationship I've been in, where the man has used that phrase with me, was because he wanted to break up and was a coward about the way he did it. He'd distance himself from me for a week then would text me, "sorry it's over." Literally, I had 3 men do this to me over the years. Breakup via text.

 

So, just prepare yourself for a breakup. Why not date a boy at your college? Long distance relationships are hard. College should be about having fun, for you. Just date a boy who attends your college. It will be much easier for you and you'll have more fun.

[Beendaredonedat]

My boyfriend once told me he wanted "space" so I gave it to him and went radio silent on him until he finally contacted me about three weeks later. Its not an insult, it is a request to get one's head together and to decide if going forth with one another is emotionally healthy for BOTH of you.

 

It was hard not to contact him and tell him how I missed him but I kept busy, did lots of things with friends, enrolled in a new class and kept up with my hobbies.

 

That was a long time ago and we've now been married for 43 years on Sept 17th of this year.

 

Get out of your own head and let nature take its course which may mean he breaks up or it may mean he misses you and you both make the effort to get past whatever it is that is causing you both to be at logger heads with one another.

 

Either way, its best to find out now if he actually misses you or he's done. Be a strong, confident woman and give him the SPACE he's asked for. Hounding him won't endear you to him at all right now.

[preraph]

Busy people don't have time for idle chitchat, so after a while it gets very old and becomes nothing but a nuisance because it's basically needless chatter. Mostly insecure people feel they need to keep the line open all day every day. This was never even possible before internet and would have been firing grounds for many employers if their employee was constantly distracted by their wife or kids calling.

 

It's boring. If you want him to value being with you, save something to say for when you're face to face instead of bombarding him with your daily minutae.

 

Anytime someone asks for space, give them space and stop contacting them. I don't believe in giving someone a permanent "I'll wait for you to contact me," but during this space period, that is what you need to do. He never intends for it to go back to you staying in contact like you have been. I don't know if it's permanently turned him off or not, but if it hasn't likely your wounded attitude about it and resultant fights will. So giving him total space is your only tool here. Maybe he'll get the idea you can accept his boundaries going forward, although it doesn't sound to me like you can.

[scooby-philly]

Let's try and play Solomon on this topic. Seems like people are split on what you should do.

 

NO matter what you do - you need to establish the ground rules and a timeline with your boyfriend that you both agree to.

 

It's not an insult to ask for space. It's especially not an insult if they truly want time to process stuff that's going on. Not every processes emotions at the same rate as others. He may simply want to think about how to work things out with you and to see what he can do to change.

 

Now, a lot of people say that without the intent to come back and as people pointed out - in those cases - they're being immature and not valuing you and your relationship. However, that's why you need to to establish the ground rules and timeline before agreeing to it.

[d0nnivain]

If you are already long distance due to being at different schools there should be no need for space. An LDR is all about space.

 

You say you talk throughout the day. That could be part of the problem: you are smothering him. Dial it back.

 

If he really wants out, there is nothing you can do to change his mind.

[scooby-philly]

OP,

 

I have just found myself in a similar situation. I wanted to provide impartial advice first, before I shared my story. People put time and energy and commit to the things they want. If he wants a relationship with you, he will clear his head and you two can work on communication and your relationship. However, you cannot just sit idle either. I'm not advocating that you do anything rash or sudden. Certainly not because he wants to dial it back for a week. But it sounds like you're both relatively young - so I would caution and say - give him what he's asked for but keep communication to a bare minimum and see what happens. Perhaps he wants you to eventually come begging for him. Don't do that. If he loved you he wouldn't put you in that sort of position. It's immature and not helpful. Let the situation take care of itself and focus on you. I just had a gf of two years force me into a messy, emotional (by text, email, and IM) break up because she can't confront me to my face, can't find a consistent story, etc. So don't bog yourself down in his crap. If you've been loving and supportive along the way then continue to do so by respecting his wish. You do not want to be with someone who truly wants to leave but cannot respect you enough to do so and to do so like a fully functional adult.

[basil67]

Needing space = reconsidering the relationship

 

The two of you had lots of arguments and difficult spats while away together. If you can't have a nice time together after so much time apart, I would say that reconsidering the relationship is exactly the right thing to do. Honestly, it sounds a bit late to be working on trying to fix it.

[elaine567]

We have been having a lot of arguments about things and recently while taking a trip together, had some difficult spats.

Sounds like you are most likely basically incompatible.

Honeymoon period wearing off and you are left with reality...

Why do you want to stay if you are arguing a lot?

Why the LDR and is there any end in sight?

My guess, as a young man he needs sex as often as possible, LDR no good for that.

He is starting yet another year of this, so time for reflection maybe.

He may have his eye on someone else so needs "space" to pursue...

Be prepared for a break up, is my advice.

[Lotsgoingon]

Unfortunately "needing space" is a sign that the relationship is over.

 

Usually it's a sign that the person asking for space ... somehow sees the relationship as a duty and burden as opposed to this great addition to their lives. BTW: this does NOT mean YOU are doing anything wrong. Not at all.

 

Leave him alone ... I say as painful as it is ... start the process of letting him go. You don't want to be dating someone who thinks time with you is like being trapped in a suffocating closet.

 

Most likely there were signs and hints before this that he was working really hard to be in the relationship. See if you can go back and review and identify those signs. We ideally want to be aware of the ways people pull away or show disinterest, so we can protect ourselves, initiate a conversation, talk to our partners about this and so on.

 

A sign that he was struggling or unhappy, for example, could be your sense before this "space" request that YOU were working harder to be kind to him, to do things for him. Often we work harder when we sense the other is pulling away. Any points where you felt some insecurity (that could have been him subtly pulling away) ... or times you helped him a lot or did a lot for him beyond what you might normally do (again often a sign that YOU were working too hard because you felt the need to work hard because he was being distant).

 

Good luck.

[BC1980]

This sounds like a situation where he is trying to ease his way out of the relationship. You'll be long distance soon, so I think he's trying to slowly break up with you in anticipation of that.

[Highndry]

Arguing over the phone and also on trips is awful. You two do not sound compatible at all.

[mortensorchid]

When he says he needs space, he's going to end the relationship sooner or later. Last time someone said that to me, he freed himself to be with the other woman he was juggling on the side and married her about two years later. They're still together I think, but ... He has his space from me doesn't he?

 

I'm sorry to hear this, but life goes on. You'll be okay.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Thank you for all your feedback!!!

 

We spoke tonight and it looks like we're doing much better now. We had a conversation and he said, while he wants to be with me, that he would also like for us to distract ourselves less from our individual goals...which I think makes sense. He works full-time and wants to start a company while I'm in a master's program (on a fully-funded fellowship at a prestigious university). I've been worried way too much about this relationship drama at the expense of my future aspirations, both of us have. We've been giving each other space and he also suggested him coming up to spend this weekend in my city. I don't think he'd suggest driving two and a half hours to see me if he wasn't still interested?... I might be wrong. Not sure as of yet, but hoping that we have a good weekend...

[Beendaredonedat]

Thank you for all your feedback!!!

 

We spoke tonight and it looks like we're doing much better now. We had a conversation and he said, while he wants to be with me, that he would also like for us to distract ourselves less from our individual goals...which I think makes sense. He works full-time and wants to start a company while I'm in a master's program (on a fully-funded fellowship at a prestigious university). I've been worried way too much about this relationship drama at the expense of my future aspirations, both of us have. We've been giving each other space and he also suggested him coming up to spend this weekend in my city. I don't think he'd suggest driving two and a half hours to see me if he wasn't still interested?... I might be wrong. Not sure as of yet, but hoping that we have a good weekend...

 

Just make sure he is on the same page as you regarding exclusivity.

[elaine567]

I don't think he'd suggest driving two and a half hours to see me if he wasn't still interested?... I might be wrong. Not sure as of yet, but hoping that we have a good weekend...

 

"Men in general" will do almost anything for sex, so do not get too starry eyed.

Also some will use a break or space as an excuse to date or sleep with other people, so be aware, especially as your relationship seems to be taking a step backwards.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

My boyfriend of a year and a half recently told me he needs space. We usually talk throughout the day; he says he wants limited communication. We're long distance starting again this school year, about 2 hrs. We have been having a lot of arguments about things and recently while taking a trip together, had some difficult spats.

 

Well I want to work things out with him, but I can't seem to stop obsessing over whether or not he will break up after this space (about one week) is over.

Does 'space' usually mean he just is softening the blow of an imminent breakup? How do I prevent this breakup from happening? Thanks so much in advance.

 

Space=Person asking for space is no longer interested. PLUS you are 2 hrs apart! You never see each other! This is extremely ridiculous. I had a guy do this while in a long distance and he just wanted to get rid of me. Tell him he can have his space, but you'll consider yourself single and go out w/other guys. Asking for space is manipulative because they have all the power to decide what happens. When the guy asked for space, he was enjoying himself and I was tearing myself to emotional pieces.

[Beendaredonedat]

Op: Just because someone's b/f or g/f wanted space and then broke up with them it doesn't mean that all people that ask for space are going to do the same thing.

 

Now, that being said, there are some need to be cautious going forth in making sure that you both are on the same page with regards to your feelings for one another in general and with making sure while you take your space from one another (as you have agreed to) that you remain exclusive and committed. If he's thinking that that portion of your relationship has changed with this space you are taking then you have a real problem and you'd do well to say your goodbye to him, heal and find someone that "space" is the last thing he wants from you.

[greymatter]

I know many people who have started businesses or been in graduate or medical school, and have proceeded with serious relationships. We all do.

 

I wouldn't invest much in this guy. It doesn't sound like he is that interested.

[Highndry]

I know many people who have started businesses or been in graduate or medical school, and have proceeded with serious relationships. We all do.

 

I wouldn't invest much in this guy. It doesn't sound like he is that interested.

 

 

Exactly. Does anybody think a man or woman would ask for space if they were really into the person and didn't want to lose them? Of course not.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

I know many people who have started businesses or been in graduate or medical school, and have proceeded with serious relationships. We all do.

 

I wouldn't invest much in this guy. It doesn't sound like he is that interested.

 

Why would he be visiting me this weekend if he's not interested? He's invested so much time and energy into this relationship and even casually mentioned having children for the fourth time only two weeks ago.

 

We don't emphasize sex and I doubt that he'd be seeing me because of that. The important piece in all of this is that we were arguing and in constant communication. We would talk even while he was at work, even while I was trying to study. We weren't being productive. Our honeymoon phase turned into a lack of focusing on ourselves, and it started to cost more than it was benefiting us as individuals or us as a whole.

 

I'm not saying that he's seeing me the same as in the beginning at this current juncture, but I will say that he most definitely is trying to set boundaries. I don't believe with a 60+hr full-time job plus a 15+ part-time job, plus a disabled mother, preparing for a certification test and renovating a house, that starting a company is possible if our relationship continues in this way. I don't resent him for it and I obviously want both of us to succeed. I have my own full load to deal with anyway.

 

I suggested breaking up and still being friends yesterday (i feared he was only holding on because he might lose me) and he told me he still wants to be with me but doesn't want us to continue bad habits. Despite the fact he worked a 13hr day today, he checked in on me throughout the day and still called me tonight and talked to me for two hours. I doubt he's disinterested.

 

Not saying he's going to propose tomorrow, either. But it feels like he's testing the waters with new habits, prioritizing responsibilities and believing we still can reconvene after they're handled. If it works out I'm glad that the nature of the relationship has a healthier aspect to it. I want us to be a power couple, not an unproductive, emotional mess.