Should I pursue an overseas relationship?

[celtic]

I have a situation I desperately need some advise on. I have been with my girlfriend for approximately 2 1/2 years. We live together and during the relationship I continually find myself frustrated over her lack of motivation and willingness to do her part in the relationship. I am not the type of guy who sits on the couch and says "get me a beer now". I actually do most of the cleaning now because she doesnt. I have talked to her about this several times and it just seems like we are on different frequencies with domestic issues. I guess the best way to describe it would to say that I find her very "selfish" in a sense. This has been bothering me all through the relationship - basically her selfishness. Not to say she is a bad person, I just find her unmotivated and selfish to a degree.

 

Recently, I was on a business trip and ran across another woman and ended up having an affair with her. I never planned for this to happen - it just did and I let it mainly because my unhappiness with my current relationship. And the worst part about it, is I don’t feel guilty about it! The woman I had an affair with is everything my current girlfriend isn’t - smart, selfLESS, caring and motivated. It really opened my eyes to how unhappy I am.

 

So I don’t know what to do now. The women I had the affair with – we really feel a close connection to each other. She is overseas. Do I go back home and pretend it didn’t happen and go on with life or take action and get out of my current relationship? I would love to pursue a relationship with this women overseas and having her come to America is no problem. She is very open to it. But I feel like a real ass for breaking my relationship off with my current girlfriend because we have been together for 2 ½ years and I don’t want to break her heart. Please help!

[Outcast]

The woman I had an affair with is everything my current girlfriend isn’t - smart, selfLESS, caring and motivated. It really opened my eyes to how unhappy I am

.

 

The thing is I'll bet that you thought/said exactly the same thing about your current partner when you first met her. Everybody looks like a saint when you first meet.

 

I wonder whether your standards are unreasonably high? Are you being 'selfish' expecting her to do things your way? How are you two at compromising?

I suggest you learn how to communicate with your current partner - possibly with the help of a therapist.

[celtic]

I didnt think the same of the girl I am with now as I do with the one I had an affair with. Trust me, there is a difference. I understand the whole deal with someone looking perfect in the beginning, but my current girl really has issues with lazyness and selfishness. My expectations are definitely not too high. As a matter of fact since I have been with her, I think they have been too low!

 

I dont think I am unreasonable about the situation. I am pretty easy going, however, when I have talked to her about it, she just doesnt get it. Like I said, different wavelengths.

 

Anyway, in regards to the therapist thing, I dont believe in therapy so I am going to pass on that one. Thanks anyway.

[d'Arthez]

I have a situation I desperately need some advise on. I have been with my girlfriend for approximately 2 1/2 years. We live together and during the relationship I continually find myself frustrated over her lack of motivation and willingness to do her part in the relationship.

That is bad. Are you certain that your girlfriend is really lazy, unmotivated and selfish? Lack of motivation to do things or anything, could point to depression for example. It does not take your frustration away, though. But it could give you a bit of understanding why she is that way.

 

I have talked to her about this several times and it just seems like we are on different frequencies with domestic issues. I guess the best way to describe it would to say that I find her very "selfish" in a sense. This has been bothering me all through the relationship - basically her selfishness. Not to say she is a bad person, I just find her unmotivated and selfish to a degree.

It is good to see that you have tried to address the issues several times. We all are selfish, barring a few saints. The selfishness is not the issue, but the lack of the selfless things she does for you.

And that might also work the other way around. That your 'selfless' behavior is seen by her, as a means to get whatever you want. I am not saying that that is objectively the case, but she might be thinking like that subconsciously.

 

But the truth is, if you are unhappy in a relationship, and can't see a way to improve things, exhausting your possibilities, you need to get out. Sure it may break her heart, but that is not a reason for you to stay - that would imply that your heart has little or no value.

Recently, I was on a business trip and ran across another woman and ended up having an affair with her. I never planned for this to happen - it just did and I let it mainly because my unhappiness with my current relationship.

I believe you did not plan this to happen. But the fact that you were willing to let this happen is telling. About yourself, and about your relationship.

 

And the worst part about it, is I don't feel guilty about it! The woman I had an affair with is everything my current girlfriend isn't - smart, selfLESS, caring and motivated. It really opened my eyes to how unhappy I am.

I wonder, how would you know all these things, if you have known her (at least that is the impression your words give) for such a short amount of time. Perhaps, as you probably are in the same professional field (as opposed to your girlfriend?), your perception of smartness is a bit colored by that. You could make points about all of these attributes. And if your girlfriend is not motivated to do anything, that could suggest depression.

 

So I don't know what to do now. The women I had the affair with ? we really feel a close connection to each other. She is overseas. Do I go back home and pretend it didn't happen and go on with life or take action and get out of my current relationship?

You must first decide, whether or not you want the relationship you are in now. To succeed, and be much better than before. It may or may not be possible, or you might feel trapped in the relationship. But ultimately, before you can decide on what you are going to do, you should make a decision with regards to the relationship you are in now.

 

Only then you can decide whether or not to pursue the other woman. These decisions should be made independently of each other. You cannot exchange the live-in girlfriend for a long distance relationship at a whim. And because of the distance the other woman seems even more attractive. At a conference you don't have to cook, you don't have to deal with the nosepicking, the snoring, the toe-clipping, the many everyday hassles. In short you have seen more of a contrast of the differences in life-style between home-life and professional life, than differences in personality and character between the two women.

 

But I feel like a real ass for breaking my relationship off with my current girlfriend because we have been together for 2 ½ years and I don?t want to break her heart. Please help!

It could be that the relationship has run its course, and that both people in it are unhappy with it, and both people realize that it does not work for them. It may work for your girlfriend, but as things are standing now, it is not working for you. And it may not even work for her. Not all relationships end in marriage, and not all marriages last forever.

 

Are you being 'selfish' expecting her to do things your way? How are you two at compromising?

These are questions I would ask too, and they have not been answered. I am quite easy going myself in a number of departments, but that by no means implies, that I am easy going in the "results of behavior" department.

And how do you compromise, if at all?

[Outcast]

I dont believe in therapy

 

Do you 'not believe' in auto mechanics? Do you 'not believe' in pharmacists? Therapists are people who are educated in helping people uncover the reasons for their problems and find a way out of them. No human being is born knowing how to do everything well, including how to relate to other human beings well. Therapists go to school for years to learn how to do this.

 

A good therapist would help you solve your communication problems with your current partner.

[Iluvsiamese]

d'Arthez is correct here. What you need to determine first is what to do with your current relationship. You need to put newbabe out of the picture until you have come to a conclusion here. Are you sure that you aren't making excuses for your behaviour? Also, have you done anythng more than make noise about being on different frequencies domestically? Does she have a real understanding about how much this bothers you? If not, then you haven't yet tried to make your current relationship work. EVERY relationship involves work and I don't mean just the domestic stuff, though that enters into it. A long-distance relationship has it's very own collection of perks and pain. I find it interesting that when you refer to your current g/f not doing her part in the relationship, it seems to involve primarily domestic issues. If it were her doing all the cleaning, cooking etc. would you see it differently? Maybe the first question you need to ask yourself is if you want a relationship at all.

 

As for the newbabe being all that and a bag of chips, well, maybe. There are lots of people, though, who are very charismatic, seem to be motivated, smart, ambitious, and have everything going for them. But after you get to know them, you discover that this is largely a front. I could tell you all about my ex here--a perfect example. He was motivated, smart, and ambitious, yes, but the rest was purely fiction. Few people have it all together in every area of their lives. Most of us have some area where we are less than top-notch. You will find that it is often proportionately inverse--the more they seem to have it all together in the visible areas, the greater the disaster lurking in the closet.

[celtic]

Yes, my current girlfriend is lazy - no questions asked. I have talked and talked and talked to her about it and she just doesnt get it. Again, she is very self centered in many areas and I am getting of tired of waiting to see a change.

 

Its not just issues on the domestic front, its everything related to life. Paying bills, filing paperwork, washing clothes, etc etc etc - she doesnt do it. If she does, it takes forever.

 

I agree with your advise above - and i think it is good advise. I need to separate the two issues. I agree that i need to first decide if I want to be with my current girlfriend at all; and if not, then make the decision to pursue or not pursue the long distance relationship.

 

I think the two were intermixed because the affair I had made me open my eyes to how much I have been sacrificing in my own mind. I have been in other relationships with other women and I know how other women are and understand there is a varying degree of traits, etc in different areas.

 

The good points of my existing girlfriend are that she is not jealious, very understanding about work, and very easy going. But I dont think the good points outweigh the bad points anymore.

 

I find it extremely difficult to make a decision whether to leave someone because you always have it in the back of your mind that you are making the wrong decision.

[celtic]

I got back in town today.. I saw my girlfriend today and I can tell you I can feel the distance. However, its not as bad as I thought. At this point, I am very confused. I am going to take about a week and think on it and see how I feel. I am having a hard time determining my next move...