Has couples counseling actually saved a relationship?

[Lobouspo]

Everyone I've ever known it just magnified problems and resentments and hastened divorce/end of relationship. What are your experiences? If it clarifies that you should not be with someone, that's not a bad thing, at least you can say you tried everything. I just don't hear alot of cases of it saving/strengthening a relationship.

[Redhead14]

Everyone I've ever known it just magnified problems and resentments and hastened divorce/end of relationship. What are your experiences? If it clarifies that you should not be with someone, that's not a bad thing, at least you can say you tried everything. I just don't hear alot of cases of it saving/strengthening a relationship.

 

As a rule, couples seek counseling as a last resort -- when the issues, resentments have become untenable and out of control which makes counseling a more difficult process for sure and one that most people, by that point, do not have the ability to tolerate. Counseling by nature, highlights and brings the issues out to the surface, so to speak, and it's difficult to address because of pain, anger, etc. is overwhelming. Most people will throw their hands up because their tolerance level is low.

 

The most difficult part of counseling is often when it comes to delving into and requiring the partners to be introspective about their roles and behaviors in the relationship. It's extremely difficult usually to get them to do is to stop blaming the other partner for whatever is going on.

 

And, most of the time, one partner has little respect for counseling and counselors and so the quality of their participation is less than desireable. And, very often the couple thinks the counselor has some kind of magic potion that makes the process easier or faster. They don't understand that it took years to get to the point they are at and it will take quite some time to untangle the mess that's being brought to the counseling office. They have unrealistic expectations for what will happen and when, etc.

 

The time when couples counseling is effective for keeping a relationship/marriage together is before the couple has reached the point when divorce is coming into the conversations . . . If there is a particular long-standing unresolved issue and rears is starting to rear it's head often, that's the time to get into counseling.

 

I am an advocate for couples counseling before marriage or shortly thereafter to learn relationship skills before the more difficult couples' issues are reached or need addressing.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It only works if both people are equally willing to admit they are flawed individuals in need of guidance, and are 100% committed to staying married. If one person is only in it to appease the other it will never work.

[preraph]

I think it depends on what the problems are. I know shared parenting counseling for divorced parents can help them tolerate each other long enough to get their kid business done if both follow the rules.

 

Sometimes people even take parenting classes together when they don't agree with each other's approaches, and it's a good idea because you have to be on the same page.

 

It might help people learn to communicate and air their feelings and get things moving. But it certainly doesn't always work.

[Redhead14]

Co-parenting/parenting style/approach is one of the things that needs to be discussed and evaluated in the dating to relationship phase. This is a big one that couples who are dating for marriage neglect to discuss or just ignore the differences even if they do discuss it. Partners in a relationship are sometimes afraid to have these kinds of deep/open discussions for no other reason than they are afraid to hear or find out those differences. They don't want to rock the boat for fear losing the other partner over it and/or they tell themselves things will work themselves out. Very often, this one doesn't.

 

The fact is, though, that in these situations where this attitude prevails, the relationship is doomed to fail anyway because they are either afraid to communicate effectively or don't understand the importance of these kinds of things in the success or failure of a relationship.

[chillii]

l dunno , but l think you somehow have to be very careful about who you see. l have hear of a few successes though.

But in my case , l'd actually still be married if not for counselors.

Mind you , l wasn't sure if l even wanted to stay married and l still don't know , but they sealed the deal no doubt about it.

Edited September 9, 2019 by chillii

[d0nnivain]

A friend of mine is a counselor & her husband is a coach. They host relationship weekends.

 

Shortly after DH & I married was frustrated. I knew we weren't communicating but didn't know how to fix it. My friends / the couple invited DH & I to one of their weekends. DH & I weren't fighting per se but I was struggling. I didn't know how to function as a unit.

 

The sessions helped us to talk & to talk about our communications styles. The differences in how we communicated were leading to my frustrations.

 

Maybe a year after that I read some books focused on fighting for your marriage. The books were about appreciation & listening rather than assigning blame. It had been my sense that some counseling is about making somebody the bad guy which just exacerbates the problems.

 

So to answer your Q, I think the counseling helped up but we went as a preventative step before the problems got so bad we couldn't fix them.

[Happy Lemming]

I had one married friend that was headed towards a divorce when he and his wife went to counseling.

 

It didn't seem to help or hinder the marriage. They divorced. My friend (male) told me he thought his wife and the counselor (who was female) were ganging up on him. And that his opinion didn't matter and he should just fall in line.

 

He also got "scolded" for not doing his homework that was assigned. In his defense, he had just worked a 70 hour week (trying to keep their finances from imploding) and was exhausted. He didn't have the time for the homework, whereas she was a stay at home mom and had plenty of time to write a whole host of grievances against him.

 

In the end, he told me the whole counseling process was crap and he formed a hatred against the counselor.

[Geraltt]

In my very limited experience with such counselling (two different counselors at two different times with two different women) it was very apparent right up-front that the counselors took their degrees from the "men=bad, women=good" school. Men were assigned responsibility. Women are allowed to operate without responsibility.

 

Even when I brought up the fact that one of my partners had been physically violent with me - she threw a thermos lid at me which cut my temple - the counselor insisted that I must have done something to deserve it.

 

So, while my experience may not be indicative of a larger trend, just be careful. Not all counselors are good, some may be biased against the male in the relationship. And all of them know that they get their fee no matter how well they do.

[pepperbird]

It helped us, but it wasn't exactly "marriage counseling" per se. It was ment to help me understand my husband's PTSD and for him to understand what it was doing to his family.

 

 

Martial issues were discussed as well, and it did benefit both of us.

[Gaeta]

I have a very poor opinion of marriage counseling, pre-marital counseling, and therapy in general.

 

 

 

My ex-h and I had pre-marital counseling and it didn't keep him from hitting me a few months after our marriage while I was pregnant of 8 months. He was a charmer, he charmed me, charmed my family, charmed the pre-marital course teacher.

 

 

 

Fast forward a couple of years, we end up in marriage-counseling and our therapist listened to my ex-h describe that when he was mad he was fantasizing about torturing me with a knife. She sent us home that night, together, with a suggestion we speak at least 20 mins after dinner.

 

 

 

If you need counseling, consider your relationship done.

[Foxhall]

A couples massage or something might be better

[basil67]

A stitch in time saves nine. This is how marriage counselling works - get in early and address the issue before the whole thing unravels and becomes irrepairable.

 

Blaming marriage counsellors for not being able to help a couple who's marriage problems have been neglected so long that the marriage is ruined is no different to blaming a doctor for your death when you've been ignorning the melon sized tumor in your abdomen.

 

In my previous marriage, I knew I was unhappy and couldn't put my finger on why. I begged for counselling - he refused. Repeatedly. In the end, I left and he then wanted counselling. I went along, but only to help him to understand that it was too late and I was done. Interestingly, he walked out saying that it was a waste of money.