Complicated relationship

[Ostepop]

Well, this might become a bit of a long story. We met in a game and started talking outside it as well. Long story short, we became a couple before even meeting as we are pretty long distance. Our chemistry was just so strong that we couldn't deal with the limitations not making it official between us anymore, so we just decided to become exclusive. She's a great girl and i love her deeply.

 

Problem is her male friends and some of her actions. I don't mind her having male friends really, not at all actually, other than if they have the goals of winning her over. Good friends are good friends regardless if they're male or female.

 

She's also in contact with her ex and i said i find that unacceptable as she's telling me how she has a hard time getting over her past, which naturally makes me tell her that keeping in contact with her ex is not dealing with it, and not only making it more difficult for her, but also for me.

 

She went to a party and joined a truth or dare. She said the dares were like licking each other and stuff. Naturally harmless fun is all well and good, but licking/kissing other men or stripping in front of them is a no ****ing go in a relationship and i told her this was an activity for single people or when we're together and both agree that it's fine. I read a saying once: don't do anything you wouldn't want your partner to see. And that is one of them, i'm sure of that.

 

This makes her call me a very jealous person naturally. I don't think it really is being jealous, but more like telling how I as a person want my relationship to be and what i find unacceptable. If i was the bad kind of jealous i'd ask her for every detail for everything, which i don't. Deciding what's OK in a relationship is totally necessary, especially in long distance.

 

And it keeps piling on unfortunately. She seems to keep me a secret from her legion of orbiters and maybe her irl friends. Gamer girls usually have a legion of orbiters. It seems she leeches a bit from them, be it games or attention. I'm totally fine with her having male friends, but this is not an attitude i appreciate in my girlfriend. She doesn't volunteer this information, but was caught accidentally. Might be a misunderstanding, might not. I'm not totally sure about that and i didn't ask for clarification at the time.

 

I'm about to order a pretty expensive ticket to her place, which i won't travel to for like 4 months. If she already thinks i'm a super jealous person for saying what i've said, then i just think we don't have the same values and it won't work out.

 

I guess i kind of want her to prove to me that she is serious and not taking us lightly. If it weren't for the tickets i couldn't care less, but i'm about to spend a lot for her, and i kind of want to know she's taking me and us seriously, and not just getting comfortable because i'm the one sacrificing something. I don't usually care about facebook and all that stuff, but in this case i think we announcing our relationship will be a good way for her to show she's not just keeping me as her (current) boyfriend with loads of backups.

 

Unfortunately i feel i know the answer before even asking her to make it public. Usually girls are very proactive in these kinds of things. Usually.

 

Any advice on making me feel safe in ordering that plane ticket without feeling i'm being some kind of sucker?

[schlumpy]

And it keeps piling on unfortunately. She seems to keep me a secret from her legion of orbiters and maybe her irl friends.

 

Any advice on making me feel safe in ordering that plane ticket without feeling i'm being some kind of sucker?

 

Save your money. She is not your GF if she is hiding you from everyone she's knows.

 

Throw in her contact with an ex BF, a legion of male friends, a predilection for licker and stripper twister parties and you have the perfect case to block all contact with extreme prejudice.

 

Spend that money on a local girl. What about a nice strong farm girl who can hug you so hard you can't breathe?

[Ostepop]

Save your money. She is not your GF if she is hiding you from everyone she's knows.

 

Throw in her contact with an ex BF, a legion of male friends, a predilection for licker and stripper twister parties and you have the perfect case to block all contact with extreme prejudice.

 

Spend that money on a local girl. What about a nice strong farm girl who can hug you so hard you can't breathe?

 

I was hyperboling a bit. She never mentioned stripping, but that can be a dare the next time for all i know. She doesn't (at least give me that impression) do these activities often, but she did seem confused about what the problem was. Which is more confusing to me.

 

The ex boyfriend is JUST a friend and she has said it multiple times, as i'm not going to be the guy who invests too much into a girl only for her to go back to her ex.

 

I do not know for a fact that she hides me irl`to her friends. Just an inkling suspicion since she has so many male friends and even her best friend is into her, and she knows it. I know she doesn't view him like that and i trust it, but she seems to be unwilling to see this whole thing from my side and falls on the good old "you're being jealous".

 

Which is why i wanted to at least make her publish our relationship so i know she's serious. If she agrees to something like that then i know she's not just having me as the better orbiter or something like that.

 

Any thoughts?

[schlumpy]

You shouldn't have to make her do anything. If she is head-over-heals for you she should be talking you up to everyone she knows.

 

If she isn't then you need to reconsider. It would be much better if she flew in to see you and have her stay with relatives.

[Ostepop]

You shouldn't have to make her do anything. If she is head-over-heals for you she should be talking you up to everyone she knows.

 

If she isn't then you need to reconsider. It would be much better if she flew in to see you and have her stay with relatives.

 

If she flew here then she'd stay with me though. I am a grown man, just very inexperienced with relationships really. I'm biting the bullet for it now.

 

I know it's easiest to just say "Cut your losses" But before cutting my losses i should attempt at communication. Even i think "want to become facebook official?" or something along those lines sounds needy and insecure. I'm just looking for a smarter way to go about it where she can show me that she's not afraid of showing me around and that she truly loves me.

[salparadise]

Have you met in person and spent time together already, or will this trip you're planning in four months be the first time?

 

If you haven't actually met then you're getting way ahead of yourself. Long distance is difficult even if you're spending time together regularly. If this is only a virtual association, then it's more of a fantasy than reality.

 

Regardless of whether you've met in person, you know her propensities and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. If she's of the type to cultivate orbiters and maintain whatever with her ex, do you really want to be a spoke in that wheel, with your emotional wellbeing dependent upon her not doing what she does?

 

Most of us have learned the hard way that women think nothing of encouraging you invest heavily even if you're only an amusement. I've quit driving more than an hour to meet women I've talked to online after having been humiliated by the casualness with with they will dismiss someone who has made a big gesture. If I were you I'd suggest meeting somewhere in the middle. If she won't invest in a plane ticket, you have your answer.

 

And yes, if she's keeping you a secret it's a game. You could simply be the orbiter of the month.

Edited September 9, 2019 by salparadise

[Ostepop]

Have you met in person and spent time together already, or will this trip you're planning in four months be the first time?

 

If you haven't actually met then you're getting way ahead of yourself. Long distance is difficult even if you're spending time together regularly. If this is only a virtual association, then it's more of a fantasy than reality.

 

Regardless of whether you've met in person, you know her propensities and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. If she's of the type to cultivate orbiters and maintain whatever with her ex, do you really want to be a spoke in that wheel, with your emotional wellbeing dependent upon her not doing what she does?

 

Most of us have learned the hard way that women think nothing of encouraging you invest heavily even if you're only an amusement. I've quit driving more than an hour to meet women I've talked to online after having been humiliated by the casualness with with they will dismiss someone who has made a big gesture. If I were you I'd suggest meeting somewhere in the middle. If she won't invest in a plane ticket, you have your answer.

 

And yes, if she's keeping you a secret it's a game. You could simply be the orbiter of the month.

 

You are absolutely right about never having met, it's just i need some assurance so i don't waste my time or money flying there.

 

Well, just got in a large fight over this. A bit of guilt tripping me and plainly saying she doesn't publicize things because she's a private person. She hadn't even told her closest friends about me, and this is a girl who says she loves me more than anything. I'm not sure what to make of this tbh.. The thing is that i truly believe she loves me, it's just that her actions are weird and not really reflecting her words. Her actions are more of someone who is in doubt. Her best friend loves her and stays single most likely in hopes that she'll look at him, and that became another point in our discussion.

 

Ugh.. This became a bit of a mess, but there are some things here which doesn't work. I've always done my best to do right by her, but these factors.. I don't know.

[d0nnivain]

On line relationships have certain allure. You have somebody to talk to. You feel cared about. They become very important to you.

 

Unfortunately they are not real. The internet makes people think they can overcome the distances. The reality is that is not as easy at it sounds.

 

Because you are inexperienced this interaction with this woman feels so good. You talk & she makes you feel loved. But it's not real.

 

End this fake relationship. Don't try for an OLR. I will only bring heart ache & jealousy.

 

Date local people who you can actually see & hug/ kiss.