Scared and anxious about how to proceed

[d0nnivain]

Fabulous! Good for you for being brave. Go enjoy your date.

[usa1ah]

One reason why I am so scared is probably because I don't know if she actually ment what she said. Like the one night we were at he club and some dude started buying her drinks and then started dancing with her. She always looked at me while dancing with him. At some point, like 3am, I told her that I would leave but she could stay. She then said "nah I don't wanna dance with him, it doesn't mean anything. I will leave when you leave cause I wanna be with you". Why does she dance with that dude in the first place then?

 

Because you were not dancing with her. Some girls just love to dance.

[Tim453]

@usa1ah that might be true. I am going out with her again on Friday since we are in the same friends group and I will try to dance with her then!

 

Oh and coming back to my "anxiety". So she said yes and even suggested another day since she isn't free on Sunday but I still think stuff like "what if she just said yes because she was to scared to say no?" or "maybe she is just being kind" or "maybe she thinks it is not a date" or so on and so on.

Is there any advice I could get for not being so negative or worrying so much about stuff? And my worries aren't event reasonable, are they?

[smackie9]

She offered a different day....most would just say no that doesn't work for them and not suggest anything if they weren't having it. You already told her you were taking her out and paying...that's a date. She's not stupid.

Oh and don't ask to kiss her, don't say you don't know what she sees in you, or "I can't believe you said yes to a date..."...none of that crap.

Edited September 11, 2019 by smackie9

[Marc878]

@usa1ah that might be true. I am going out with her again on Friday since we are in the same friends group and I will try to dance with her then!

 

yes, this is a must do. She's interested so return the favor.

 

Oh and coming back to my "anxiety". So she said yes and even suggested another day since she isn't free on Sunday but I still think stuff like "what if she just said yes because she was to scared to say no?" or "maybe she is just being kind" or "maybe she thinks it is not a date" or so on and so on.

Is there any advice I could get for not being so negative or worrying so much about stuff? And my worries aren't event reasonable, are they?

 

If she didn't want to go she wouldn't have suggested a different day. Your worst enemy is your baseless anxiety.

 

Once you get the knack it'll be like riding a bike.

 

Confidence is a very attractive trait to have.

 

Let's say you got turned down. So what? That's not the end of the world. You just move on. No big deal.

 

This was a slam dunk. She's interested so all you had to do was ask.

 

Now be yourself and go have fun.

[Marc878]

On Friday ask her to dance. Don't wait around.

[Tim453]

On Friday ask her to dance. Don't wait around.

 

 

I know I have to do that. But as soon as other guys are around and they start hitting on her I get anxious. I feel like they are better and I feel like they look better. Just FYI, I don't look terrible. A lot of people even call me good looking. I don't know why I feel like this.

 

It happens a lot. Just imagine I am out with her and some guy starts talking to her. Right away, I get in a pretty passive position which means I am not even talking to her and not making a move. I feel like she is happier with the other guy then. She probably sees that as "he isn't even fighting for me when I am with other boys" or "he DOESN'T care". But I care.

[Tim453]

I know I have to do that. But as soon as other guys are around and they start hitting on her I get anxious. I feel like they are better and I feel like they look better. Just FYI, I don't look terrible. A lot of people even call me good looking. I don't know why I feel like this.

 

It happens a lot. Just imagine I am out with her and some guy starts talking to her. Right away, I get in a pretty passive position which means I am not even talking to her and not making a move. I feel like she is happier with the other guy then. She probably sees that as "he isn't even fighting for me when I am with other boys" or "he DOESN'T care". But I care.

 

 

So as I said, I was out with her tonight. Eventually we ended up together again, with me grabbing her butt while cuddling. And you might not expect it but I asked whether she thinks it is a date tomorrow or not. And she said she didn't think it is one. I then asked her if she actually knows how dating works... I then told her that I don't think we can continue this, like it is going rn. She just said "OK". Then I left. I am done with her. Thank you for your help. I think it's just her not being grown up enough. A lot of people told me that I deserve better.

[Marc878]

I know I have to do that. But as soon as other guys are around and they start hitting on her I get anxious. I feel like they are better and I feel like they look better. Just FYI, I don't look terrible. A lot of people even call me good looking. I don't know why I feel like this.

 

Lack of self confidence

 

It happens a lot. Just imagine I am out with her and some guy starts talking to her. Right away, I get in a pretty passive position which means I am not even talking to her and not making a move. I feel like she is happier with the other guy then. She probably sees that as "he isn't even fighting for me when I am with other boys" or "he DOESN'T care". But I care.

 

Lack of self confidence. Why? All you have to do is step up. The signs are right from her.

[Marc878]

So as I said, I was out with her tonight. Eventually we ended up together again, with me grabbing her butt while cuddling. And you might not expect it but I asked whether she thinks it is a date tomorrow or not. And she said she didn't think it is one. I then asked her if she actually knows how dating works... I then told her that I don't think we can continue this, like it is going rn. She just said "OK". Then I left. I am done with her. Thank you for your help. I think it's just her not being grown up enough. A lot of people told me that I deserve better.

 

Geeze. She accepted even offered up an alternate day.

 

It sounds like you self sabotaged this. Over whether she thinks it's a date or not? You haven't even taken her out before.

 

Sounds like you're the one who is immature.

[Tim453]

Geeze. She accepted even offered up an alternate day.

 

It sounds like you self sabotaged this. Over whether she thinks it's a date or not? You haven't even taken her out before.

 

Sounds like you're the one who is immature.

 

Wait, why? If someone tells me they don't wanna date anyone than why I am wrong canceling the plans I had with this person?

 

And isn't a date just a way to get to know someone? I told her that I just wanna get to know her more.

[Marc878]

She accepted your offer to go out with just you, right?

 

Instead of just taking her and having a good time you quizzed her about is it a date or not? Why? Who cares? She's showing interest.

 

Then "we can't go on like this" ? Go on like what? You've never been out together one on one. You aren't exclusive.

 

Then you get up and leave?

 

It sounds really childish on your part.

[Tim453]

Well so I was drunk, I messed up. It's a consequence I have to live with. But most importantly she said she doesn't wanna date anyone so it's like what am I supposed to do?

[Marc878]

Whether she defined it as a date or not you had plans to go out.

 

IMO you got butt hurt over nothing and came off looking really bad.

 

Not sure you can salvage this now but girls talk. I suspect you may have torpedoed yourself more than you think.

 

From what you posted it came across as childish at best, strange or weird at the worst.

 

Like you had this relationship going on and she was stringing you along, etc. when you'd never even been out.

 

Now you're trying to justify this to yourself but that's not how it's gonna be perceived.

 

Hope you learned something here. You need to.

[Marc878]

About the only thing you could do is appologize and proceed with the plans if she is even interested at this point.

 

I wouldn't be but I'm not her.

[Tim453]

About the only thing you could do is appologize and proceed with the plans if she is even interested at this point.

 

I wouldn't be but I'm not her.

 

Yea that's what I did. And I told her I would accept either decision!

[Marc878]

It's hard getting started but you do need to learn so you don't repeat the behavior.

 

Confidence is attractive. It's all in your mindset. You don't have to be a rockstar, bodybuilder to have it either. I have a friend who isn't particularly attractive or in great shape but women find him attractive. It's that inner confidence and independence.

 

The other thing is fear of rejection. It's a weak mindset. That will keep you down. So what if you get rejected? It's nothing. No one cares or gives it the slightest thought. Why should you?

 

There is no one and only soulmate. There are many who could fit that bill.

 

Not every realtionship works out for a variety of reasons. You just move on until you find the right mutual fit. The world won't end because one didn't work out. Far from it. One door closes another opens. You just have to step through it.

[Tim453]

It's hard getting started but you do need to learn so you don't repeat the behavior.

 

Confidence is attractive. It's all in your mindset. You don't have to be a rockstar, bodybuilder to have it either. I have a friend who isn't particularly attractive or in great shape but women find him attractive. It's that inner confidence and independence.

 

The other thing is fear of rejection. It's a weak mindset. That will keep you down. So what if you get rejected? It's nothing. No one cares or gives it the slightest thought. Why should you?

 

There is no one and only soulmate. There are many who could fit that bill.

 

Not every realtionship works out for a variety of reasons. You just move on until you find the right mutual fit. The world won't end because one didn't work out. Far from it. One door closes another opens. You just have to step through it.

 

She did not reply to my message. It's fine. I messed up. And to make things worse: I hooked up with another girl at the party she was at and when we were "done", my other friend, the one I like, was gone. Obviously. I am dumb. It's fine. I will find someone else.

Edited September 14, 2019 by Tim453

[SumGuy]

So as I said, I was out with her tonight. Eventually we ended up together again, with me grabbing her butt while cuddling. And you might not expect it but I asked whether she thinks it is a date tomorrow or not.

Why !!?

 

... I then asked her if she actually knows how dating works...

What? Seriously, even if you were an expert (though if you were your posts here seem out of character) why insult someone like that?

 

I then told her that I don't think we can continue this, like it is going rn.

As in she is all in to you and making every effort to help you go out with her despite your anxiety.

 

She just said "OK".

That is very big on her part after the emotional wringer of an interaction.

 

Then I left. I am done with her. Thank you for your help. I think it's just her not being grown up enough. A lot of people told me that I deserve better.

You may, but from what you describe (and your posts to date on this) it is that you are the one not grown up enough. Don't put this on her. Edited September 14, 2019 by SumGuy

[SumGuy]

.. And to make things worse: I hooked up with another girl at the party she was at and when we were "done", my other friend, the one I like, was gone. ...

Makes me wonder if you are as innocent and inexperienced and anxious as you say or just acting so as to get advice and sympathy.

You post wondering if she is in to you and not even sure how to initiate a kiss, then all of a sudden you are just hooking up at party after you told this other girl off?

[Marc878]

She did not reply to my message. It's fine. I messed up. And to make things worse: I hooked up with another girl at the party she was at and when we were "done", my other friend, the one I like, was gone. Obviously. I am dumb. It's fine. I will find someone else.

 

Geese man. You really hurt her badly. That was not just dumb but pretty petty and cruel. Put the shoe on the other foot. How would you react if that were done to you?

[Tim453]

Geese man. You really hurt her badly. That was not just dumb but pretty petty and cruel. Put the shoe on the other foot. How would you react if that were done to you?

 

I know how I would feel, I know I hurt her. I know what I did wrong and I wanted to talk to her about it. At first she said "sure" but when I went to the place we were supposed to meet at, she didn't show up and said "I don't think I have time today."

 

I hurt her extremely. She didn't even give me her birthday present that she got for me. Which is understandable, I might just get it because, well what is she gonna do with it...

 

After she left at the party, we accidentally bumped into each other at the club. On the way back home, another friend asked her if she had plans for tonight and she said "no" although we scheduled to go out tonight. This set it off. I was mad and I said "well we are not going out anymore now". Her friend tried to calm me down. Eventually she herself said "I felt like you were going to ditch me. I felt like you didn't want to talk to me at all tonight."

 

And let me retell what happened without me being drunk. I was at her place and she was a little sad (cried a little). We cuddled and hugged a lot again.

And then, for some reason, I asked whether she considered tonight a date or not. Her answers was "I just see it as friends, if that's fine for you. I am not ready to date anyone. It's not about you, it's about me trying to figure out my own life right now. I am not attracted to anyone right now." And I got kinda sad about that and told her that I don't understand why we are cuddling, holding hands, I can touch her butt... I then said that we both apparently have a different definition of friendship and that I don't think we can stay friends with such different definitions of friendship. When I left I told her "I don't think we should be in close contact right now and tomorrow is not going to happen." and she said "well, I will see you soon" and (drunk me) said "I don't think we will see each other soon" and then I left.

 

In case she actually likes me and is just not ready for a commitment, I might have just broken her heart with what I did. And I can't expect her to let me get close to her (and especially her heart) again.

 

I messed up. I was drunk which is not an excuse. I shouldn't have done what I did. And it hurts loosing her, no matter if she was just a friend or a potential girlfriend. She was a great person. Especially she was not just a friend. I can probably name at least 10 things she told me that she has never told anyone, just me (and vice versa). I was a close person in her life. A rock she could always count on. And what did I do?

And if she is ever going to forgive me, I can only be extremely thankful.

 

//Edit: I don't know if she knows about me hooking up with another girl (we weren't having sex, just kissing, etc...). But at the party I was in that room alone with that girl for like 30 minutes. So well she can probably add up what happened. So I am guessing she knows.

Edited September 14, 2019 by Tim453

[Tim453]

Makes me wonder if you are as innocent and inexperienced and anxious as you say or just acting so as to get advice and sympathy.

You post wondering if she is in to you and not even sure how to initiate a kiss, then all of a sudden you are just hooking up at party after you told this other girl off?

 

So I have told her off after I hooked up with that girl. I am anxious with the other girl because I care about her. I am literally crying every 30 minutes because I messed it up with her.

[The Outlaw]

She's hinted at you taking her out on a date twice now, so go for it. As said, the signs are there. She wants you to take her out. You'll never know unless you try.

[Marc878]

The thing is something said or done can never be unsaid or undone.

 

Learning from this is all you can do at this point.

 

Hopefully you'll be wiser and smarter in the future.