Scared and anxious about how to proceed

[Tim453]

The thing is something said or done can never be unsaid or undone.

 

Learning from this is all you can do at this point.

 

Hopefully you'll be wiser and smarter in the future.

 

 

It can't be undone. But it can be forgiven. And that is all I am hoping for.

She agreed to go on a walk but said that she needs time before we talk again.

I am supposed to go to a meeting with her and her friends tomorrow but I am reconsidering this, just because I don't think it would be helpful.

[Marc878]

I think id skip it and give her some space.

 

It might be good next week to pick up something thoughtful along with a card. Or send her flowers.

 

Doesn't have to be expensive if you want to try and mend this.

 

About all you can do at this point.

[Marc878]

We all have done/said stupid crap in our lives that we look back and cringe at. It happens. All you can do is appologize and learn from it afterwards. Don't do repeat mistakes.

 

I get it. You were expecting more faster and frustration sit in.

 

Some things you can't rush. You'll be fine.

 

There is no one and only, soulmate thing. There are many who can fit that bill. Finding them is a different discussion.

 

This isn't the end of the world.

[Tim453]

We all have done/said stupid crap in our lives that we look back and cringe at. It happens. All you can do is appologize and learn from it afterwards. Don't do repeat mistakes.

 

I get it. You were expecting more faster and frustration sit in.

 

Some things you can't rush. You'll be fine.

 

There is no one and only, soulmate thing. There are many who can fit that bill. Finding them is a different discussion.

 

This isn't the end of the world.

 

It obviously is not the end of the world.

And if she really cares about me she will forgive me, I think.

 

Because, well, we aren't dating, so hooking up with another girl should not be held against me. That I was mad at her because she acted like we weren't gonna go out and that I said some pretty harsh stuff is the biggest problem.

 

I will get her something small for when we should go on a walk. Just a small thing, something I know she likes.

 

One question. My friends tell me to go to her place and just ask to talk to her to show that I care. Should I do it? I don't think so right?

[Marc878]

I don't know her. You do.

 

2 schools of thought

 

Let it cool off a bit first but not to long.

 

Address it upfront/early so it doesn't fester.

 

When you do address it put some thought into what you're going to say. Rehearse it a bit.

[mark clemson]

FWIW, I think she likes you in part because you don't APPEAR shy/anxious but actually ARE about this particular thing and she is as well so it gives her a comfort level with you.

 

You have trouble asking her on a date, but you hooked up with a rando girl?? I think perhaps this shows the difference between how you feel with someone you really like vs. someone you don't have any strong feelings for. It can make it easier sometimes.

 

You probably didn't intend it this way, but the hookup with her friend around to see it (and therefore tell) could be viewed as taking a victory lap stomping on her heart. Hopefully she doesn't see it that way.

[Tim453]

FWIW, I think she likes you in part because you don't APPEAR shy/anxious but actually ARE about this particular thing and she is as well so it gives her a comfort level with you.

 

You have trouble asking her on a date, but you hooked up with a rando girl?? I think perhaps this shows the difference between how you feel with someone you really like vs. someone you don't have any strong feelings for. It can make it easier sometimes.

 

You probably didn't intend it this way, but the hookup with her friend around to see it (and therefore tell) could be viewed as taking a victory lap stomping on her heart. Hopefully she doesn't see it that way.

 

It does show the difference. I care about my other friend way too much and am scared to mess it up (what I basically just did).

 

I know her and I know that she is a forgiving person. She also knows me and we always joked about that I get aggressive when I am drunk. Which means she knows who I am when I am drunk (which is not an excuse obviously).

 

She somewhat agreed to go on a walk with me today. I will give her the whole control about when to go and will be ready for her any time of the day. Question is, am I going to bring up the "hook up"? I am not 100% sure if she knows, I can just assume it. If she does not know and I bring it up, it could potentially make things worse.

I am also planning on admitting my feelings towards her. Tell her why I feel that way and why I got so mad after she said she didn't have plans although we planned to go out. It just hurt because I care so much about her. This basically set off the whole other stuff. Is that smart or should I not do that?

 

//Edit: She said "I might be able to go on a walk I suppose" which doesn't sound to excited but that is understandable. I told her that she should only agree to it if she is ready to talk. And she cancelled it again cause she "has so much to do". I told her a place that I will be at today at a certain time and said I will go no matter what and if she has time she can show up.

Edited September 15, 2019 by Tim453

[mark clemson]

Fair enough. At this point I wouldn't pin too many hopes on any of this, but it sounds like you know that. If it were me, I wouldn't bring up the hookup, but you know her so do as you see fit. I doubt she would react well to you talking about that at a talk that's supposed to be about you and her. If SHE brings it up, it's time to own up and to explain that it meant nothing.

[Tim453]

Fair enough. At this point I wouldn't pin too many hopes on any of this, but it sounds like you know that. If it were me, I wouldn't bring up the hookup, but you know her so do as you see fit. I doubt she would react well to you talking about that at a talk that's supposed to be about you and her. If SHE brings it up, it's time to own up and to explain that it meant nothing.

 

Okay that's how I am going to do it. It's just bad. Drunk me ****ed it up and sober me cares way to much. I was supposed to meet her parents on Friday. But I guess that's just a dream from now on.

 

I just try to keep myself busy with stuff to not think about it.

Edited September 15, 2019 by Tim453

[Marc878]

Good luck.

[Tim453]

Good luck.

 

I am talking to her in a bit. I got her her favorite snack. I hope we will figure it out. I will let you guys know.

[Tim453]

I am talking to her in a bit. I got her her favorite snack. I hope we will figure it out. I will let you guys know.

 

Well, I talked to her. We had a little small talk for first and then I started explaining why I did what on Friday night and apologized for it.

I asked her how she felt and she said "I felt really ****ty and really bad". I told her that I really looked forward to the "date" and she said "I really did too". I didn't think it was the right time to ask to "reschedule it". I might just let our "relationship build up" again.

 

She didn't wanna bring up the fact that I was alone in a room with someone but at one point she did and I said "yeah it wasn't a good decision" and she just asked "Did something more happen????" and I only told her about the kissing part. I told her that I care about her and that I would have preferred being with her than being in that room with someone".

 

In general she seemed pretty hesitant to admitting what she felt, but that's her. She said that she is afraid to open up.

After we talked I wanted to leave but she just looked at me and asked "Don't you wanna come study with me and my friend" and I did. We didn't study but just flirted the whole time. Her friend even asked us "why are you guys sitting so close to each other".

When we were done "studying" I wanted to go home but she asked me if I didn't wanna come to her place for a bit. So I did, only for like 30 minutes tho since she had to read some uni stuff.

 

Honestly, at this point I can only say this: A similar situation happened about 5 month ago. It was about the same stuff. She always forgave me. And I know even if it would happen (I don't want it obviously) a third time she would still forgive me. And like why would she do that if she wouldn't at least have some sort of feelings for me? Or am I just that good of a friend?

[Marc878]

Sounds to me like you need to reschedule the date.

 

In the future you need to grow up and mature a bit. If you don't you'll do another repeat.

 

Pause and think before you do something impulsive. There is no guaranteed second chances.

 

That old saying bite your tongue and count to 10 is still solid advice.

[Tim453]

Sounds to me like you need to reschedule the date.

 

In the future you need to grow up and mature a bit. If you don't you'll do another repeat.

 

Pause and think before you do something impulsive. There is no guaranteed second chances.

 

That old saying bite your tongue and count to 10 is still solid advice.

 

Should I? I just thought it was a little fast to do it today. I will ask her sometime this week when I am with her!

[Marc878]

Should I? I just thought it was a little fast to do it today. I will ask her sometime this week when I am with her!

 

Perfect. Now the big question? Did you learn anything?

[Tim453]

Perfect. Now the big question? Did you learn anything?

 

Yes, Yes I did.

But I have also learned another thing. I spend a lot of time on this particular girl and well, at the end of the day the question is: Is it worth it?

I will keep her around, but I have also met some new people over the weekend while I was arguing with her. I am interested in like 1 or 2 other people. So I might just use my energy more efficient.

[Tim453]

Yes, Yes I did.

But I have also learned another thing. I spend a lot of time on this particular girl and well, at the end of the day the question is: Is it worth it?

I will keep her around, but I have also met some new people over the weekend while I was arguing with her. I am interested in like 1 or 2 other people. So I might just use my energy more efficient.

 

Yeah, so I think I am letting her go. She is not the right one. I realized it today because although she was around I was still swiping on tinder and when I was with her friend I talked about a tinder match and she just went "oh what about the date with *insert girls name*?". Yeah, I am way to indecisive.

I should grow up first and get my own feelings right before trying to get a serious long-term relationship. Thanks y'all!

[Marc878]

Sounds like you figured it out. She may have noticed that and maybe why she's non committal. Plus she's young too.

 

Have fun you have plenty of time for serious relationships later.

[Tim453]

Sounds like you figured it out. She may have noticed that and maybe why she's non committal. Plus she's young too.

 

Have fun you have plenty of time for serious relationships later.

 

And if she is "the right one" we will get together eventually. Everything happens for a reason.

Thank you for your help. This whole thing helped me figure out what I want.

[mark clemson]

Interesting. Something to be aware of: from one perspective, you are "dodging" a relationship where you have strong emotions for the person. Instead you are going for Tinder swipes etc where there are presumably less feelings.

 

There's nothing inherently wrong with this and I'm not saying that your instinct that she "isn't right for you" is wrong. Just be aware that you may have, in an emotional sense, taken the easy road. It's your life and you'll live it how you see fit. But if this becomes your habitual style, you may not feel the gratification that comes from "having someone you really love".

 

I'll point out that for many if not most people, those initial intense feelings do eventually fade - there's more to a LTR than just that. However, maybe consider whether being with a girl you "really" feel something for is something you don't want to miss out on having at least a few times in your life.

[Tim453]

Interesting. Something to be aware of: from one perspective, you are "dodging" a relationship where you have strong emotions for the person. Instead you are going for Tinder swipes etc where there are presumably less feelings.

 

There's nothing inherently wrong with this and I'm not saying that your instinct that she "isn't right for you" is wrong. Just be aware that you may have, in an emotional sense, taken the easy road. It's your life and you'll live it how you see fit. But if this becomes your habitual style, you may not feel the gratification that comes from "having someone you really love".

 

I'll point out that for many if not most people, those initial intense feelings do eventually fade - there's more to a LTR than just that. However, maybe consider whether being with a girl you "really" feel something for is something you don't want to miss out on having at least a few times in your life.

 

 

Hey, sorry for the late answer.

 

Yes I took the easy way out. I know.

 

I don’t wanna miss out on having a LTR but the question is whether this girl is worth it. Especially because she is now flirting with some other guy. Why would I spend my time on her? I could try being as “aggressive” in terms of flirting as the other guy. But why? I did and what happened?

 

 

Although I am not sure if she is rather flirting with that guy to make me jealous or bc she likes him. But like, we hung out yesterday with her best friend (she joined me and her best friend). And she was like “So I guess I have to prank this one guy” and me and her best friend were talking and we weren’t picking up what she said. She said that like 3 more times but no one said anything and reacted to it and then her best friend left and the first thing she said was like “So, I have to prank this guy” and I was about to lose my ****.

She also treats me different. Either she is done with me even as a friend or that is her way to act cold towards me to get me to give her attention. Like I would ask her about studying and she said no and then the other guy was with me, she comes up to the other guy and asks “do you wanna go study?”. Same thing happened with making plans for friday. We were talking about plans and she said “I dont wanna drink”. Other guy shows up “Oh sure I wanna drink...” Like on whatever level, that is an ******* move to a good friend or a “potential” date....

Edited September 19, 2019 by Tim453

[Marc878]

There is no benefit to playing those type of childish immature games. The way YOU play that is not to play. Period. You walk away.

 

What you'll find is life is too short to waste it on fruitless ventures.

 

It does sound like you started it first though so you are reaping what you sewed.

 

Not s good choice upfront on your part. So learn from it.

[Tim453]

There is no benefit to playing those type of childish immature games. The way YOU play that is not to play. Period. You walk away.

 

What you'll find is life is too short to waste it on fruitless ventures.

 

It does sound like you started it first though so you are reaping what you sewed.

 

Not s good choice upfront on your part. So learn from it.

 

What do you mean by “it does sound like you started it first”. Did I? How so?

I don’t see how.

 

I am on my way of letting her go. It takes time.

[Marc878]

The night you had the fight. Hooked up with another girl.

 

Normally your actions will cause a reaction. That's what you're getting here.

[Marc878]

What do you mean by “it does sound like you started it first”. Did I? How so?

I don’t see how.

 

I am on my way of letting her go. It takes time.

 

Nope, it really doesn't. You act civil but you go your own way.