Is it okay for my boyfriend to be talking to girl online?

[Binny90]

Hi there,

 

I have been with my bf for almost 4 years this October. He plays games a lot and i have found out previously before talking to this girl.

 

I've confronted him about it and he's told me that she's like a penpal who he has been talking to online since 10 years ago when he first starting gaming.

 

At first, I didn't really think anything of it.I did let him know it made me feel a little uncomfortable and that i would preferred that he moved on from old girls he use to flirt with before our relationship however, he assured me that its just a friend/penpal.

 

That was a few months ago and then yesterday I was on his computer, he had left his gaming chats up and I had a snoop.

 

It all seemed innocent, he even mentioned at one point how he cant believe its been almost 10 years since they've starting playing online or when they first started chatting. She even mentioned about her boyfriend and how her boyfriend was asking her 'who's that messging you?' to which my boyfriend replied, "If my girlfriend knew i was talking to you she would probably get angry".

 

A part of their conversation that upset me was when she mentioned how her boyfriend stopped playing games with her and she now has no one to play with. Sadly, to which my boyfriend replied back, "If i was your boyfriend i would play WoW (which is the game) with you "

 

Now after seeing all that i am so upset and angry...is this acceptable? Need advice please

Edited September 8, 2019 by Binny90

[preraph]

Don't worry about that. For one thing, they're not even in the same city, sounds like. People who've been friends that long have very little chance to spark a romantic attraction.

[Binny90]

Don't worry about that. For one thing, they're not even in the same city, sounds like. People who've been friends that long have very little chance to spark a romantic attraction.

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

Im mainly upset about what he said when he said that if he was her boyfriend he would play games with her since her bf wasn't

[elaine567]

Im mainly upset about what he said when he said that if he was her boyfriend he would play games with her since her bf wasn't

 

Yes that was the bit that stuck out for me too.

Sounds like he was chatting her up. They may be old friends, but the OW forum is full of "friends" converted into lovers...

[schlumpy]

Lots of EAs have happened over the gaming channels. I thought at first this girl might be part of a online team but it looks like she's exactly what he said - a penpal.

 

I think it's your call. It comes down to trust. The problem is if you demand he stop talking to her they may go underground and create exactly what you are fearing. At least now its out in the open.

 

I think he should be willing to let you read what they talk about if he has any consideration for your feelings but be aware he may apply the same rules to you.

[preraph]

Thank you for your reply.

 

Im mainly upset about what he said when he said that if he was her boyfriend he would play games with her since her bf wasn't

 

Yeah, but he's not her boyfriend. He was just being sympathetic.

[snowboy91]

He's been (online) friends with this girl for 10 years, longer than you've been together. If he wanted to actually date her, he had 6 years prior to meeting you to make that happen. He chose you instead.

 

It seems like his comment about playing games with her as a BF was really him trying to be kind and empathetic to her - I doubt after 10 years he would actually make a move.

 

I understand why you're upset about it, so I feel as if you need to mention to him that you've seen the messages, otherwise hiding the fact you're upset is going to degrade the relationship.

[Mrin]

I wouldn't worry about it

[Watercolors]

I would be annoyed if I were you. Flirty banter online is line-crossing despite their geographical distance. He has a girlfriend. Flirting with other women in general is super disrespectful to you. He should let you read ALL the transcripts of their 10 year online chats. I'd be annoyed. And keep my eye on him.

 

A good friend of mine has been an online gamer for 20 years, married for 15. His wife is VERY intolerant of his online friendships with women, so he lets his wife read all of his chat transcripts. He's a very flirty, charming guy in person and online, so his "intentions" can easily be misconstrued by the women his charm is directed at. What he intends to be goofy humor, can be misconstrued as flirting.

 

Yes, your boyfriend had 10 years to have a real offline relationship with this woman. So, right now, I think you need to set some boundaries with him as his girlfriend about what is acceptable and what isn't with regard to his online gaming relationships like this one. Tell him you read the chats and how that comment he wrote made you react. If he gets mad and deflects and tries to keep the attention on you snooping, that's a red flag. He may be annoyed that you read the chats, but HE left them up for ANYONE to read. So you technically were not snooping. If he balks, well, that means his priorities are skewed. IF he values his online relationships with women more than he values his relationship with you, then you need to decide if you're happy playing second fiddle to these online women and being an option to your boyfriend rather than a priority.

Edited September 9, 2019 by Watercolors
fixing spelling

[d0nnivain]

You are overreacting. She was in his life as an online game pen pal for 6 years before you came into his life. They don't appear to be flirting or cheating. They are playing a game & talking.

 

It appears your BF knows you well. He's "hiding" her because he knows you overreact. It's easier to just keep that part of his life apart from you rather than deal with you being upset. It's not him being unfaithful. If you had the maturity to be calm about his hobby he'd be more open about it.

 

Perhaps, try playing the game with him. If you can't be interested in his hobbies at least let him enjoy them in peace.

[crispytoast]

I have an online lady friend across the country that I met through gaming. We are both charismatic people and have constant quick witted banter along with generally being very synergistic and winning most matches. But its definitely plutonic. Her boyfriend used to get really jealous of us and tried to set all of these boundaries. She would talk to me about how much she loved him and how it hurt her that he acted that way about an online friendship. Then She broke up with him. Not to get with me. Now she's dating another guy who lives near her and the guy could care less. Me and him actually get along quite well.

[SumGuy]

You are overreacting. She was in his life as an online game pen pal for 6 years before you came into his life. They don't appear to be flirting or cheating. They are playing a game & talking.

 

It appears your BF knows you well. He's "hiding" her because he knows you overreact. It's easier to just keep that part of his life apart from you rather than deal with you being upset. It's not him being unfaithful. If you had the maturity to be calm about his hobby he'd be more open about it.

 

Perhaps, try playing the game with him. If you can't be interested in his hobbies at least let him enjoy them in peace.

This 100%, you're overreacting and if you keep at it you may drive him away.