Dumper but Hurting

[JuneGirl]

Hello, I just broke up with my fiancé of 10 months just yesterday, and I also initiated No Contact. It was a LDR, along with those complications, there were things that happened throughout the relationship that caused me to make a clean break.

 

We were supposed to get married last month, but due to some paperwork issues, it got delayed.

 

Besides that, he used to disappear on me for 8 to 12 hours at a time, that ate away at me. But I'm talking about the time when he's actually free and not busy.

 

During his free time, his hobbies took preference over spending time with me, that hurt me so much.

 

There is some time zone difference between us, and I always stayed up for him, even during times he ignored me.. this probably caused him to take me for granted. My mistake for sure.

 

There were a few times where when I needed him for some emotional support during a traumatic time, he wasn't there, and if he was, he got mad at me. Which confused me to no end.

 

He rarely called me, and when I called him, no answer.

 

I recently found out yesterday that he calls himself an atheist, which trust me I don't mind, but he lied about his beliefs for the entirety of the relationship.

 

There were some lies, inattentiveness, I mean we were fiances, and there was no talk about the future at all.

 

Most of the conversation became sexual if he did give me his time, other than that, he found it too boring to have normal conversations.

 

All of these things hurt me, and I believe were the cause of the disintegration of the relationship, at least in my mind. I feel like I had mourned the relationship starting 4 to 5 months ago, and then the recent stuff was just the "last straw" for me.

 

I started feeling so alone in the relationship, for SUCH a long time, months of time passed and I felt alone! It didn't feel like I had a fiance. It ate away at me so much.

 

I tried to break up with him last Friday, but he called me and said he didn't want me to go. So I stayed, but the next day I poured out all my concerns about his lies and shadyness. I told him that I didn't like that not only did he lie about small things, he lied about huge things, like belief. Also he rarely spent time with me, unless it was sexual. And how could I trust him if this is how he is? Pair that along with all the other hurt, I felt as if this relationship was beyond saving and that it had run its course.

 

Then last night came, and he wanted to have a talk with me. He basically said that he would be religious for me and play out the actions to make me happy but he doesn't believe in God, but he would want some things in return like nudes.

 

Once again, I get that in LDR, that stuff might be necessary to keep the sparks alive but he started sounding like an ultimatum and basing my worth off of those things.

 

I get that this stuff is hard on him (pun intended) so what I did is I decided to tell him that this probably isn't going to work, and if he isn't happy he should find someone that does make him happy.

 

He told me he doesn't want anyone else, he only wants me. I just said we both probably want different things, and the lies were too much for me to handle anyways. When I needed him, he wasn't there, and that was really important to me.

 

Then he asked if we could remain friends, he didn't want me completely out of his life, but what good is that? Isn't it selfish? and I told him that its better if we make a clean break so we both could move on faster and not prolong the pain.

 

When I cut off all contact, I felt a sense of relief, followed by some pangs of pain because of the realization of never seeing him again or hearing from him again, which made me google what I was feeling, making me come onto the forum.

 

I was the dumper in this case, but the internet makes out the dumper to be the bad guy/girl. In this case the Dumpee had completely abandoned me. Beyond the LDR physical distance, there was a huge emotional void already with his constant disappearances and inattentiveness, happening several months before the break up, that ate away at my soul.

 

I'm not even sure why he never dumped me first?

 

Anyways such is life.

[ermac]

man sorry to say , but i can only comment on your end, im guessing your early 20s? it kinda seems like your pressuring him alot, can you blame the guy , who wants to talk on the phone constantly, sometimes people need to relax, also if hes an athiest , why does it matter, it seems like you want him to be a certain way instead of just want him for who he is. but in all fairness im not only going to say that, obviously you needs need to be met aswell and he needs to understand that relationships are about compromising. go back to him, see a councellor, because often HE wont see the things you are complaining about , and its easy too miss them sometimes because people just dont understand people, and chances are YOU wont see the things he is complaining about aswell.

[JuneGirl]

Hi, thank you for your reply. I did say that the atheism didnt matter to me. It was just that he pretty much lied about that, along with other things from the beginning. What bothers me is the lies, rather than his actual beliefs. I never asked him to be religious ever. It's just that when a couple does get to know each other in the beginning stages, whatever he told me was not true.

 

The calls though, especially in a LDR, at fiance levels, once a week surely isnt too much to ask for? That's all I asked for.

Edited September 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ermac]

yes , and from the sounds of it, he seems to be getting cold feet, thats why i asked if you are early 20s , most young people will obviously get cold feet and start to flake. if hes not calling you at least once a week , then there is somethnig wrong. i cant say what, but it probably has to do with commitment and marriage . ive not called exes before, sometimes i just didnt want to , i just wanted to lay there and not have to talk about my day or anthing. other times, i didnt care about the person trying to get a hold of me because i was lazy and only wanted to talk to certain people.

 

there could be many reasons,, n yes often people lie in the beggining of relationships to try and get the other person interested. its stupid but alot of people do it. he could possibly even be talking to another women, you should do your research. people are shady , thats what i learnt in life, the people closest to you will back stab you

Edited September 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[basil67]

the internet makes out the dumper to be the bad guy/girl

 

Yep, the internet is full of stupid people. People being worried about being called a dumper has led to an invention of the phrase "forced dumper". I've never heard anything more ridiculous.

 

Being able to dump someone shows that you can be proactive about getting your needs met. That you're not going to put up with being treated as second best. Yes, it still hurts terribly, but at least it's done.

 

Onwards and upwards

[JuneGirl]

yes , and from the sounds of it, he seems to be getting cold feet, thats why i asked if you are early 20s , most young people will obviously get cold feet and start to flake. if hes not calling you at least once a week , then there is somethnig wrong. i cant say what, but it probably has to do with commitment and marriage . ive not called exes before, sometimes i just didnt want to , i just wanted to lay there and not have to talk about my day or anthing. other times, i didnt care about the person trying to get a hold of me because i was lazy and only wanted to talk to certain people

 

 

Yes in the early 20s.

 

I suspected that much. I figured that the lying thought process was already there, so he could be lying and hiding things already. I just don't understand why I was the person who initiated the break up.

 

No woman was mentioned, but how would I know, it was a LDR, and clearly the trust is already gone. Guess he wanted the best of both worlds.

Edited September 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[JuneGirl]

Yep, the internet is full of stupid people. People being worried about being called a dumper has led to an invention of the phrase "forced dumper". I've never heard anything more ridiculous.

 

Being able to dump someone shows that you can be proactive about getting your needs met. That you're not going to put up with being treated as second best. Yes, it still hurts terribly, but at least it's done.

 

Onwards and upwards

 

 

Thanks I feel a lot of relief obviously, but the hours following the break up were painful, but I slept fine and woke up feeling fine like a huge burden had been lifted.

 

I guess in my mind, there was just not even an ounce of reconciliation prospects. I did a clean cut. I just felt like I wanted to share my story to show that "Dumpers" can also be the victim, and being the first to leave a failing relationship can be really nice.

 

I could have stayed, he didn't want me to leave at all. Last night he begged for me to stay, but how can I after all that?

 

My only regret is that I should've trusted myself to break it off last week, and not let him talk me into staying 1 more week longer.

 

Staying a day longer in the relationship started feeling like self harm!

 

Its more of a combination of shock, relief, "wow I could've been married last month had the paperwork not been delayed", etc.

[ExpatInItaly]

How much time had you actually spent together in person with him?

[elaine567]

Then last night came, and he wanted to have a talk with me. He basically said that he would be religious for me and play out the actions to make me happy but he doesn't believe in God, but he would want some things in return like nudes.

 

WTF!!!

Trading religious fervour for nudes...

 

Run. This guy is not serious about you. He is just getting his jollies, by discussing sex with you online...

[stillafool]

My goodness from your post I'm wondering how and why you ended up engaged to this guy in the first place. If you were LD how much did you see each other in person? I definitely think you did the right thing by ending it because it wasn't going to get better but much worse.

[JuneGirl]

How much time had you actually spent together in person with him?

 

About a couple of months before the engagement, and then LDR.

 

WTF!!!

Trading religious fervour for nudes...

 

Run. This guy is not serious about you. He is just getting his jollies, by discussing sex with you online...

 

I'm really glad you read that part and yes exactly. WTF was my reaction too. I saw it for what it was, true colors and everything. You should've seen how he worded it. He said the nudes would be me meeting him half way...

 

My goodness from your post I'm wondering how and why you ended up engaged to this guy in the first place. If you were LD how much did you see each other in person? I definitely think you did the right thing by ending it because it wasn't going to get better but much worse.

 

Yes. The things that were coming out of his mouth basically were all terrible things, not indicative of strengthening a relationship but out of selfishness.

 

When I met him, he was nicer and different than what he became. He said a lot of things that ended up being lies. I couldn't recognize him anymore near the end. He made some promises to me in the beginning, like even little ones, that he ended up backing out of. Or he would say things like "yeah I was in a different place when I said that, but now...". His promises had expiration dates. We were together a few months before the engagement... I see how stupid that was. Our relationship didnt make it to the 1 year mark.

 

I feel like I cant trust myself so I'm basically going over the red flags in my head that I overlooked. Another huge thing was that he said a lot of pretty words but there was no action to follow it up with. 0 action. Along with the combination of my self esteem not being so great. So I am going to work on that. I mustered up a lot of courage to break free, it was such a clean cut that theres no way for him to contact me, the only thing I worry is he knows where I live.

[d0nnivain]

You get to be sad. You had certain expectations about this relationship & being married. You were disappointed & that hurts.

 

However, it's for the best that you two didn't marry.

 

You can't marry somebody if you haven't even figured out the logistics. Paperwork notwithstanding were you planning to get married & still live apart? How was that going to work.

 

Religious differences should have been ironed out before you got engaged. If religion is important to you, marrying somebody who doesn't believe would have been stressful. How were you going to raise the kids?

 

There also appears to have been sexual incompatibility in here. To have 1 fiancé begging for nudes while the other one is horrified by that idea tells me you two were not on the same page.

 

Lick your wounds. Commend yourself for having boundaries. When you are ready consider dating locally rather than long distance.

[JuneGirl]

I completely agree. I've learned my lesson.

 

But we were going to live together after marriage. He was going to be my first, so I'm glad the wedding didnt happen in August as scheduled, as I found out about all this now.

 

It's just that I thought he had belief the entire time. Him being atheist was new to me. He lied about huge things, small things, everything in between. All he was concerned about was nudes and he said all kinds of things that fooled me into believing it was more than that.

 

Moments before dumping him, I found out he has no belief and was hoping to negotiate acting like he had belief in exchange for nudes. Nope.

 

I definitely know what to look for now. Thank you for your reply.

Edited September 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[elaine567]

Why did you get engaged to man you only knew for 2 months before getting engaged?

Why was it then an LDR?

[JuneGirl]

I was stupid and naive and thought I was in love. Refused to see all the red alerts flashing before my eyes. Believed all the pretty words that had no follow up action whatsoever. Allowed myself to be placed in his last priority. Hindsight is 20/20. also It was LDR because of his work.

Edited September 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[d0nnivain]

I was stupid and naive and thought I was in love. Refused to see all the red alerts flashing before my eyes. Believed all the pretty words that had no follow up action whatsoever. Allowed myself to be placed in his last priority. Hindsight is 20/20. also It was LDR because of his work.

 

You are young & you made mistakes. It sounds like you learned your lesson. Everybody does dumb things in the name of love. It's part of life & growing up. You figured it out before any permanent damage was done. You now know that red flags are to be heeded. You will heed them in the future.

[JuneGirl]

I should add though that we were acquaintance like friends for 5 to 7 years prior. So we thought an engagement was normal. He had a crush on me for many years.

 

I feel like he ruined something that couldve been good.

[JuneGirl]

You are young & you made mistakes. It sounds like you learned your lesson. Everybody does dumb things in the name of love. It's part of life & growing up. You figured it out before any permanent damage was done. You now know that red flags are to be heeded. You will heed them in the future.

 

Thanks! It feels good that I did the right thing finally.

[d0nnivain]

I should add though that we were acquaintance like friends for 5 to 7 years prior. So we thought an engagement was normal. He had a crush on me for many years..

 

That makes sense. He wasn't some random guy off the internet. You had reasons you thought you could trust him.

 

You were simply naïve. Where were your parents in all of this?

 

Still, when push came to shove & you realized that it wasn't going to work, you had the sense to call it off. That is real growth. You will power through the hurt & betrayal. In time you will find the right guy.

[JuneGirl]

My family disapproved at first but then they saw that I was so into him that they backed off and mentioned some doubts here and there throughout the months, I never listened to them. Until last month, something my mother said was a wake up call. She said that something seemed off and she was most afraid that I would find the truth after marrying him. To that I said, "yes this crossed my mind but I dont know, I've known him for a long time."

 

When I ended it they were the first ones that I went to and I said I wish I had listened to you all.

Edited September 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[d0nnivain]

I'm glad you have support

[JuneGirl]

When is a good time frame to get back into dating and relationships? My goal is for marriage purposes, so I want to do this the smart way.

 

I don't want to get into something too fast, but I also don't want to wait too long.

[JuneGirl]

It's tempting, it really is, that's why I cut off all contact when I broke up with my fiancé.

 

I don't get why he wanted to remain friends with me. He said he couldn't imagine me out of his life.

 

If that was the case, why did he treat me in the way that he did, that led me up to feeling so alone in the relationship?

 

What is up with contradictory behavior? Words and actions never matching up?

 

Does he really think being friends is going to fix anything? Is he really that stupidly immature to be attracted to me when I'm missing and ignore me when I'm actually present and in a relationship with him?

 

 

In this case I was the dumper who initiated NC. But god I have so many unanswered questions.

[d0nnivain]

He can't answer your Qs. Through this break up you also know he plays fast & loose with the truth. He is going to tell you what you want to hear.

 

For right now, you need time apart. Let the distance serve as the buffer you need but don't talk. You don't have to worry about running in to him. If he does come home for the holidays or something you will have had the benefit of several months to work through your feelings.

 

Talk to your parents. Post her. Speak to a trusted friend. Seek out your religious pastor. But stay away from him.

[JuneGirl]

Yes he was amazing at telling me what I wanted to hear! He said "I love you so effing much" the day I broke up. Obviously that was just something, anything, to get to my ego to make me stay.

 

But why waste 10 months of my life if he loved me so effing much.

 

I guess I'm just shouting questions into the air.

 

 

If people want to know my dumper feelings stages:

 

it was first shock, relief, now anger. Its just been 2 days sorry.