Stevnx3 Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 He can't answer your Qs. Through this break up you also know he plays fast & loose with the truth. He is going to tell you what you want to hear. For right now, you need time apart. Let the distance serve as the buffer you need but don't talk. You don't have to worry about running in to him. If he does come home for the holidays or something you will have had the benefit of several months to work through your feelings. Talk to your parents. Post her. Speak to a trusted friend. Seek out your religious pastor. But stay away from him. I think that this is pretty solid advice, June. So I second this. Also, to note: Some people want to be friends after a breakup to keep the sure-bet in their life. Should any other venture go wrong. Either way words mean nothing. Action is everything. It is the proof of words when they matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JuneGirl Posted September 10, 2019 Author Share Posted September 10, 2019 I got an email from him tonight. I burst out crying. That was a strange emotion. Goodness.. Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 I got an email from him tonight. I burst out crying. That was a strange emotion. Goodness.. Block him! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
imhappy Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 Sorry to hear about your experience. Breakups are the best and worst depending on how you choose to look at them. At least that's what I'm telling myself as I go through one currently. I don't know. But they do give you so much opportunity to grow as a person. Good for you for diving in and learning something the hard way. I feel like there's no better way to learn and grow than that. My ex broke up with me a few days ago because her parents wouldn't approve of my religion (even though I'm agnostic, since I was raised in a muslim home it's a no for her). She also used to disappear on me and was generally "bad" with her phone. I can relate. More power to us After a break up every day that passes only makes you stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JuneGirl Posted September 15, 2019 Author Share Posted September 15, 2019 I couldn't ignore his email, because he said some ridiculous things. He emailed me saying that he wants to talk, but he is unable to right now since I "ripped out his heart" and "broke his heart", and he can't believe that I broke off something huge like an engagement, that it is serious stuff that I broke it off. He doesn't hate me but he is hurting and unable to sleep because of it. I just had to reply, I just told him that I can't believe that he is so focused on ME doing the act of the "breaking up" rather than the actual horrifying circumstances leading up to it. Did he really think I was going to stay in a relationship where he lied about everything big and small, broke promises left and right, never spent time with me? Couldn't even call ONCE a week? If he cherished the engagement so much, then why was I the only one who was doing any kind of planning? Why was I the only one who was available? Why was I starting to feel so alone in the relationship? Where was he the entire time? I get that he had hobbies, but can't even take out one day a week for your FIANCE that you are ENGAGED to? Suddenly I matter SO MUCH now that I'm not in the picture?? How do I feel? I feel nothing except anger and annoyance that he wasted so much of my time. I feel angry that he is upset at me doing the "act" and dumping him. It's like he refuses to look in the mirror and see how his actions (or lack of) led up to it. He said he wants to talk to me, but is hurting too much to talk right now, and will message me when he's ready. I don't expect a message. I'm pretty sure that's just a twisted way of him to keep me "waiting". Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 15, 2019 Share Posted September 15, 2019 He's playing games. There is nothing he can say that will change his religious views. Remember he lied to you about such an important thing. The longer you stay connected to him, reading his emails & caring about what he's doing / saying, the longer your healing will take. You asked when it would be a good time to start dating again since you want to get married. At a minimum you need to wait 1/2 the length of this relationship after you get over him. Also although your goal is marriage, it need to be with the right person not just for the sake of getting married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JuneGirl Posted September 15, 2019 Author Share Posted September 15, 2019 Yup you're right, it just INFURIATED me that he was the one who has the audacity to be mad that I had broken something huge like an engagement, painting me to be the bad guy, rather than focusing on how he was at fault. This means he expected me to stay with him regardless of what he does! He is probably conjuring up more ways to push my buttons and get me to reply the next time he gathers strength to send an email. I really do not have time for the games, I'm wasting my precious mental energy on this negativity. I'm done falling for the bait. And yes you're right, I need to find the right person first before thinking of marriage. And I guess dating can happen for after 4 to 5 months, a good time to refocus in the gym again. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 15, 2019 Share Posted September 15, 2019 He is probably conjuring up more ways to push my buttons and get me to reply the next time he gathers strength to send an email. I really do not have time for the games, I'm wasting my precious mental energy on this negativity. I'm done falling for the bait. You can stop this by blocking him from contacting you. It serves no purpose in your life to be in contact with him and will set you back from healing. Do it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Commongoal123 Posted September 15, 2019 Share Posted September 15, 2019 There are red flags everywhere in your post JuneGirl. You absolutely did the right thing. Once I read the nudes part in exchange for believing in something religious for you, I had all the evidence I needed to be positive that this guys is a manipulator and incredibly immature On that note, there is nothing wrong with wanting to talk and stay in contact with a partner via texts, calls, etc... especially long distance. That other poster on here saying you were pressuring him gave bad feedback on that. -Common Link to post Share on other sites
Author JuneGirl Posted September 15, 2019 Author Share Posted September 15, 2019 stillafool, yeah it was my mistake responding to his dumb message, but I blocked him on email. Commongoal123, yes once he said the exchange nudes for religion part I knew it was time for breaking up. and thanks for the comment on the contacting part, I agree that it wasn't too much to ask for, and I definitely wasn't pressuring him. It was the least of the least he could've done considering that I was a "fiance". Link to post Share on other sites
Author JuneGirl Posted September 27, 2019 Author Share Posted September 27, 2019 Because of lies and neglect on his part, and a LOT more strange and inappropriate things from him, I broke off an engagement. I was hurt too because of it. However, he wants to remain friends. It's only been 20 days since I broke up with him. My question is WHY?? Why on earth does he want to be friends with me? I am in NC, but this has been nagging me. It just seems contradictory to me. Its eating at me. So please tell me why he wants to be my friend. Its too fresh to ignore so please don't tell me to ignore it. This is a forum, if it was so easy to ignore, this forum wouldn't exist. Some good thoughtful answers will be appreciated please. I've been journaling a lot to vent as not to annoy anyone else, but this is one question that is nagging me so much. I have posted this in the coping forum, because answers will help me cope. I've been really messed up because of him... Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 27, 2019 Share Posted September 27, 2019 Because he thinks you will eventually go back to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted September 27, 2019 Share Posted September 27, 2019 Why do dumpees want to be friends? Because they want to use you to get over you. It's a soft way to rehab from the addiction to having you in their life and not have to go through the withdrawl pains of you suddenly no longer being in it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JuneGirl Posted September 27, 2019 Author Share Posted September 27, 2019 I feel like I'm in a weird rehab situation myself. Every time I feel pain and hurt I just tell myself to stop because of *list of all the bad things*. Its just a matter of time when the logic overcomes the feels. So he either wants me, or trying to use me to get over me? Even though both are totally different things, both are also gross and selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted September 27, 2019 Share Posted September 27, 2019 Your ex sounds like a sociopath, a manipulating d-bag whose ego was crushed when you rejected him. (due to good cause mind you). Don't let him rent anymore free space in your brain. Quickly change your thoughts of him and what he may be doing/thinking/conjuring up or what his motives may be. Change your thoughts to something else so you more quickly get to the stage of indifference to him because it is when you are indifferent to him that you will be open enough in heart and mind to find a good man worth having that shows you n actions that he values you and wants you for a lifemate. Not just for a narcissistic supply that was your ex's main agenda by all accounts. It was nice to read that you had the love of self and the self worth to get him out of your life. You don't feel it probably but you should be very proud of yourself. Now... just get him out of your head and abandon this need to know his motivations and you'll be well on your way to indifference. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JuneGirl Posted September 27, 2019 Author Share Posted September 27, 2019 Thank you sooooo much for the kind words, a lot of people tell me I should be proud of myself, and I should be, but today I was feeling the worst. He was a terrible person and I should be celebrating. Yes he is a sociopath and you're right I need to stop thinking about why he wants to be my friend still. Probably because he's a sociopath and wants control over me. (easiest answer) He's definitely been taking up free space in my brain a lot. How do I kick these thoughts out? I really want to reach indifference so badly. How can I change my thoughts to positive ones and get to a level of mental peace? So far my only escape has been watching tons of girly shows and I feel mental peace when I watch things like that lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted September 27, 2019 Share Posted September 27, 2019 Girly flicks can be awesome but a good horror is always a good way to keep your mental focus on whose going to get it next One way to quickly change your thoughts of him is to put an elastic band around your wrist and when he pops into your mind, ping that band hard and then immediately change your thoughts to something lovey and positive something agout you, not him. Its called aversion therapy. Then if feasible go do something nice for yourself or Neflix and chill with a good chick flick and a glass of wine. Treat yourself in other words. You're going to be fine. You clearly have good personal boundaries in place and a solid love of self. Those are two things that are going to quickly get you through this. Cheers *raises my glass of wine to you* Link to post Share on other sites
Author JuneGirl Posted September 27, 2019 Author Share Posted September 27, 2019 Your post made my day, thanks. I can get through it, just need to power through a few more days!! I'm really glad I can come here and vent sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JuneGirl Posted September 30, 2019 Author Share Posted September 30, 2019 So he keeps finding other channels of communication to do small talk like "how are you" and "hope youre well". What is the point of all this fake small talk? Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 It doesn't matter what his motive is. Block him and then you don't have to wonder about it. If you just want to read his crumbs for an ego boost (knowing he is still reaching out) then so be it but his contact seems to get you allowing him to rent free space in your brain again. If you can't just read it and then dismiss it then block him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JuneGirl Posted October 1, 2019 Author Share Posted October 1, 2019 I blocked him in all ways, he has been using new emails to get in touch. I might have to make a new email. Link to post Share on other sites
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