You can't change your relationship attachment style...can you?

[Watercolors]

I've done the cognitive behavioral therapy. I've read books and articles and had discussions galore about how I believe our attachment styles attract the right or wrong relationship partner.

 

I know that I am only attracting unavailable men because of my attachment style. Because, their behavior reinforces beliefs I have about myself. But, I can't change my attachment style. I recognize why anxious-avoidant types are attracted to emotionally unavailable types. It's a push-pull of reinforcing each other's attachment styles. I desire emotional intimacy with a man, yet I attract men who are terrified of emotional intimacy. Each and every time.

 

And I can't break this pattern. Not sure why.

 

Every relationship I have been the placeholder rebound. Even when I can see the pattern unfolding before me; he sends me mixed messages right off the bat to keep me guessing, lovebombs me online or via text messages, deflects my questions, ignores my concerns and gaslights me, is totally unreliable as a partner and untrustworthy.

 

Should I blame my attachment style on emotionally neglectful parents? I could, sure. But that doesn't change the fact that I am stuck with my relationship attachment style and can't break free from attracting emotionally unavailable men.

 

I met two men this past spring -- both emotionally unavailable -- one divorced and the other recently broken up with a long term relationship. Both "claimed" to be emotionally available yet acted quite the opposite. Neither connection lasted more than a few months and I ended both myself out of sheer frustration.

 

Can anyone relate to this? I understand attraction should be simple and unfold naturally and one should watch out for and avoid red flags. But life's not that black and white. If only relationships with other people were that simple but that's just not the case.

 

If you have a codependent attachment style and attract emotionally unavailable partners, what have you done to break that attachment style? Is it even possible to break it?

[carhill]

What happens with a man who demonstrates emotional availiabilty? In general, do you make snap decisions on attraction or take your time to get to know someone? Emotional availability, in an otherwise unknown human, takes time to discern elementally. Sure, people can put on masks but over time their real self comes through. If your style is immediate attraction/revulsion/unattraction, then you never get to know anyone other than who floats your boat immediately, presuming it's mutual.

 

My FOO history is uneventful and attachment style is secure but I have been attracted to and had relationships with a wide variety of women, some compatible and some oh my, what was I thinking? Regardless, though, that attachment was calm and secure.

 

I'd stick with a professional who specializes in attachment styles. You may not be able to change the core of it but can make changes in how you assess potential partners and attach to them.

[Watercolors]

Cahill I *wish* I had met men who exhibited calm attachment styles with me. None of the men I've been involved with have; they all share the emotional unavailable pattern. I have never had a man demonstrate that he was emotionally available to me.

 

For example, "future talk" is not a sign of emotional availability. It is in fact, a sign of emotional manipulation. That one I get a lot. Another red flag is when he (the general 'he') attempts to keep all communication with me online. And uh, that's not real communication in my dating rule book. It may be for others, but not for me. Real communication for me, is face to face. Or, even over the phone. But texting? Emailing? Facebook instant messaging? Nope, nope, nope.

 

So, I really wish I could explain what I think emotional availability looks like in a man, but I can't, because I've never really experienced it and I'm nearly 50. I don't know that I could even recognize real emotional intimacy from a man, since I've only ever held the status of placeholder or rebound with men. None of the men I've dated have ever attempted true emotional intimacy with me because they were simply not interested in me that way, hence, they were emotionally unavailable.

[Watercolors]

Well, I just took the Relationship Attachment Style Test online and was surprised to learn that I actually have: secure attachment style NOT the anxiety attachment style I used to have.

 

Under "traits that are potentially unhealthy" it reads:

 

You are somewhat fearful of being rejected or abandoned by a partner

 

That comes as no surprise.

 

Under the section "traits that are healthy" it reads:

 

• You are comfortable with emotional closeness
  
• You have a healthy level of self-esteem
  
• You do not display an excessive desire to please others
  
• You are comfortable acting on your own
  
• You do not display an extreme desire to control a partner or the relationship
  
• You are willing to offer support and help to a partner when needed, but not to an extreme degree
  

Then there is an "Advice" section on each relationship attachment style. I'm happy to read that I don't have any of the negative attachment styles I thought I did. So, it's a start.

[divegrl]

Well, awareness is the first step. Identifying and noticing the patterns, as they are happening can help you make better decisions.

 

The dating pool is filled with emotionally unavailable men. Most men who are stable, mentally and emotionally healthy are in a relationship.

 

Just know this. We all attract emotionally unavailable men. You must stop dating them when you first notice the red flags. Don’t hold on and hope things get better.

 

Have a beautiful day my friend!!!

[Reavers]

Must be so encouraging to see that not only is change possible, but you've already made some. Way to go, Watercolors!

[Watercolors]

Thanks Reavers! Maybe being single for a long time is why my attachment style change though I wonder what will happen if I ever date again...Hopefully, if like divegrl said the dating pool is saturated with emotionally unavailable men, I'll be able to dodge them successfully so that I can find a man with a healthy attachment style.

[Ruby Slippers]

I doubt it's possible to change your attachment style or basic way of relating to people. However, I do think it's possible to find someone who, in all their imperfections, aligns with you and your imperfections.

 

For the long haul, I couldn't figure out how to make it work with my last boyfriend. He has PTSD from wartime Marine service and his emotional volatility and resulting issues were more than I could deal with.

 

However, we had similar issues from childhood, and seemed to be able to understand those in one another pretty well. I think we set a new standard for each other with how sensitive we were toward each other in that regard. Our attachment styles were different, but somehow for the most part complementary. Obviously not a perfect fit, but on the emotional level, a better fit than I'd experienced before, so in some way it felt like progress.

[Watercolors]

I think it's important to know what each other's attachment styles are. Because, that gives you both tools to use, in how you communicate and relate to each other. It also makes clear for both people where the strengths and weaknesses are between both attachment styles.

 

Maybe your boyfriend and you are emotionally available to each other and that's why your relationship is successful, despite his volatile temper due to his PTSD issues from his Marine service.

 

So, if one partner isn't emotionally available, then of course the relationship won't work because both people have to be emotionally invested for it to be a good relationship.

[Soak]

Hey Watercolors,

 

I originally composed this as a private message, but i'm not sure that it was sent.

 

Your post about unavailable people really resonated with me.

 

If you don't mind me asking, what sort of childhood did you have? What was the relationship with your parents like? Did you have one absent parent? Did you suffer emotional or psychological neglect or abuse from a parent?

 

The reason i ask is that i believe this all plays into this. Eg, holding on to every scrap of attention like it's love (what i've done, not suggesting you or others do); mistaking kindness / niceness for attraction and therefore allowing myself to get deeper.

 

Was one of your parents a narcissist or BPD?

 

I don't know.. Interested in your thoughts if you'd like to share?

 

For what it's worth, i've identified the trigger in myself that interprets kindness for attraction and these days i'll be nipping it in the bud (stopping it) before it turns into a fully blown obsession and 'unrequited love'.

 

Still don't know how to deal with emotionally available people, but i am guessing that self-respect, patience and 'evidence' (about how they feel, their reliability perhaps?) is the key?

 

I think this stuff comes deep, but it's all got to start with us. Eg, we have to deal with this space we have inside. We have to fill our selves with the love we're not getting from others, or didn't get in our earlier years.

Edited September 21, 2019 by Soak

[Soak]

if like divegrl said the dating pool is saturated with emotionally unavailable men, I'll be able to dodge them successfully so that I can find a man with a healthy attachment style.

 

It's actually really selfish for people to jump back into dating to 'heal' themselves, or as rebounds, as i read here all the time. I've been tempted to do it (and nearly friended somebody on FB last night for a bit of attention), but got the better of myself and cancelled the friend request, as i know i am not available at all, and it would be selfish to use somebody.

 

Having said that, we've got to get our dodginess detectors on and recognise the signals. I know myself, i am too old to waste time on anymore of these one-way, useless ordeals. Lol

 

Looking forward to hearing everyone's thoughts ��

[I'veseenbetterlol]

 

If you have a codependent attachment style and attract emotionally unavailable partners, what have you done to break that attachment style? Is it even possible to break it?

 

I used to think I had anxious attachment, but eventually I learned I didn't. What made me so anxious was being w/the wrong guy. I dated a guy long distance for a short while and thought I was going crazy. He never wanted to message me or spend time on the phone. A lot forums told me I needed to work on insecurities and leave him alone. Turns out I was just feeling his disinterest and he ended up dumping me. Once I found a stable relationship, there were no big insecurities, no anxiety.

 

The way you stop attracting guys that are emotionally unavailable is to train yourself not to fall for them too fast. This takes a lot of practice, but going into a date/relationship w/a clear head can help you avoid getting too invested.